TOCD is awful. Period.

I think I can relate to those symptoms but I'm now not even sure it's OCD which I know will possibly spike you but I feel like I might actually fail the pupil (attraction) test at this point. Now, I know its not 100% conclusive but it's the best way to tell from what I've heard.

I tried it and nothing seemed to change. I'm always paranoid that she'll start flirting with me, which is absurd because she's straight as an arrow. And I don't want her to flirt with me anyway. But like any time any girl strikes up a conversation my brain is like "she's flirting with you, and you're flirting with her." But I know what real flirting feels like. My best guy friend and I practically do it all the time, and it makes me happy. This just makes me want to crawl in a hole somewhere and never come out

Tried what?

The dialating pupil thing. I went and looked in a mirror. Seems kinda silly now that I think about it.

Ugh I feel like I'm barely holding on by a thread at this point. I don't feel like myself at all

I know what you mean by hanging on by a thread and not feeling like yourself that's pretty common with ocd. Problem is I don't know if I'm just OCD doubting my condition or I'm genuinely doubting it because I don't want it to be true.

Love how words like to get added when typing on phone sometimes.

Yeah I have the same problem with autocorrect on my iPad.

I dunno really how to describe it. It's like it's gotten rid of any of my resistance and is like now you have no choice but to accept it. And I still refuse. Like something switched in my brain and I feel the complete opposite of how I used to feel (this has happened before too.) and it's like I'm trying to find more reassurances (bad idea ik) and not being able to find anything anymore because it's already altered pretty much everything I have

Pretty much how I feel with my situation as well but I still am unclear about the whole thing. Like I just somehow always had this identity but never thought about it before OCD took the subject of identity and sexuality and it was lying and waiting for me to discover it and the only thing holding me back is me but then I don't know. I don't think I want to date anyone but girls still and hold them or live with one the rest of my life but who knows if I'm just imagining that because of what society wants of me.

My mind likes to take the littlest things and make it into gay or replace straight thoughts (mid thought) with gay. But then why do I try to use non-gay thoughts or thoughts of girls to ease the anxiety and then not be horny?

I'm beginning to think I just used OCD to cover up the lack of attraction to opposite and an attraction to same without realizing I had it all these years.

Why else would I be able to partially spot dudes out of my peripheral vision etc more so than chicks of its not the case.

Anyone? Need help...

Oh, I'm sorry I haven't replied to you! I had a different response but my iPad died before I could finish it. Sounds to me like the OCD is trying to trick you again. That's what it does to me all the time, even now. It's trying to trick me again by making me feel sleepy.

I just had the first stress dream in a while ( it's like 5 in the morning est). I dreamt that I was on a school trip in Japan or china. (I think japan cause that's what they were speaking) and I hit it off with this once chick (in a just friends type of way but somehow she took it to mean I liked her romantically and suddenly I found myself engaged to her. The whole time I was thinking honey, I don't like you like that. I want to save myself for a dude, but I didn't want to make her sad at first. Finally I started hiding from her but she still found me and then I just had to Be up front with her. She got sad and started crying but then I told her I would like to be her friend instead. But now I've got this weird feeling in my chest and it's making me doubt everything now, and it feels in a way that makes me scared. Like I guess it's making me feel in a similar way to you jdd, in which it's making me think that i was just using OCD as a cover up and I only just realized it now and I hate that feeling. It feels really bad, and yet at the same time it's like I've stopped caring and am just like "screw it, just roll with it" and I hate it. It's like my attraction to guys is pretty much completely gone and my OCD almost has me convinced that it never was there in the first place, but that's not true! I know when I first watched a Markiplier video I started crushing on him really hard. I know I got all flustered because I thought our tour guide at this mine we went to (it was a dude) was reeeeeally cute. I know feeling like that made me insanely happy and any time if thought I was attracted to another girl all it made me was anxious and upset and wanting to throw up. Why the sudden change?????? And it was a sudden change mind you. Why the hell would I worry and be anxious over it for four freaking years if it was not true. What suddenly changed???

I guess it's also in part because of the TOCD cause now every time I look at a guy my brain goes "no you don't think his body is hot and want to snuggle with him, you want to have his body and be like him" but that's not true!!! Any time I think of hugging and cuddling with a guy it makes me feel good. I had a dream that I was cuddling with Markiplier somehow and like it felt so real and I felt so happy and never wanted him to let go of me (partially because it's him and mostly because it felt so nice) and I've noticed that whenever I've had a same sex dream it was always of a sexual nature (up until the last two, including the one I just had) and I was always mostly a spectator and I felt so anxious and upset afterwards. But when it was of the opposite sex I was a direct participant and it all felt so real and I was really happy. Like I've had dreams about my crushes (who were all DUDES) and they made me really happy when I woke up. And I found I get turned on way more by gay porn than lesbian porn. And I don't really like yaoi unless it just of a sexual nature, like I'll only like it if they bang a lot. The idea of experimenting upset and disgusted me. And for a moment when we were at the mine with the cute as hell tour guide I thought I was a lesbian and it made me feel so sad, and then I saw the cute tour guide and that thought went out the window very quickly. Cause I mean he was really cute. REALLY cute. And he smiled at me once and I felt super flustered a and giddy afterwards. As I thought Egon Spengler was hot when I first watched ghostbusters (RIP Harold Ramis. You were my favorite Ghostbuster) and Ray Stantz was really cute as well. And I've had a celebrity crush on Ewan McGregor for a long while now too XD I mean him as a padawan Obi Wan, holy CRAP. And if you've ever watched the Book of Life (HIGHLY recommend you do if you haven't. That movie is AMAZING) I was swooning all over the main character because he sings love songs and has the most beautiful singing voice ever and I wish he was real. And who doesn't agree that Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day was really hot.

So I'm not imagining that I was attracted to dudes. I really was, but the OCD for some reason is like "let's kick this up a notch" and it's like "oops now you're not attracted to them anymore". But at the same time I want to feel like sisterly or motherly to other women. I don't know. I just don't know anymore.