POCD and web history - has anyone ever got in trouble?

A few years ago I suffered from obsessive thoughts that I might be into various paraphilias and fetishes, including pedophilia, bestiality, incest, watersports and scat. This started when some people I was close to suggested I might have suffered sexual abuse as a child and blocked it out or been too young to remember. I started reading about sexual abuse and found that I identified with a lot of the common symptoms, like a history of anxiety, and experimenting with other kids when I was very young. But I also kept seeing mentions of how some abuse victims grow up to be pedophiles themselves or have abnormal sex lives in some other way, and so I started worrying about what was lurking in the hidden corners of my brain. A lot.

I'm now 100% sure I am not into any of the above. I'm actually not into sex much at all - my sex drive is low and intermittent. I like mutual closeness like cuddling and making out but I feel violated when anyone touches me sexually, and "doing things" to the other person has no appeal either. This was part of what triggered the speculation that I might be an abuse victim. The only sexual attraction I've ever experienced was towards other girls around my age.

But going back a few years, I would occasionally read sexual stories about the paraphilias and fetishes previously mentioned as a way of "testing" or "exposure therapy" I guess. It happened a handful of times over 2-3 years. I would feel increasingly uncomfortable as I read them and would end up putting my phone down in disgust and resting assured for a while. I don't believe I ever searched for them deliberately but I would enter general terms about sexual acts and orgasms into google when I was feeling curious or sexually frustrated and would click on a result only to realise it was a story involving one or more underage people. Other times I would be on a website where sex stories were published, look at the categories (which would often include the things I was scared of being into) and start panicking that I "secretly wanted" to click on certain categories. I'd then "have" to click on them and read stories while monitoring my responses to confirm that they were "normal" enough and I was "adequately repulsed".

I still don't know what in my right mind possessed me to read that stuff. I don't think I could handle it now. It was partly pure desperation to figure out if I'd been permanently screwed up from the abuse I might have experienced. I think I was also somewhat desensitized and numb due to being a deeply depressed older teenager/young adult who spent hours every day on the internet and had seen pretty much everything (for example I once found a story someone had written about a man with dwarfism climbing fully inside the vagina of a woman with gigantism so she could "give birth to him", and I read the whole thing just because of how bizarre it was). I also think I was too naive and immature to really be aware that there was an actual person on the other end writing this stuff because they were seriously into it - the thought makes me shudder now, but my only concern at the time was achieving that feeling of being 110% sure I wasn't into it.

I recently found this article which talks about how some POCD sufferers actually view C.P. in order to achieve that reassurance of being "adequately disgusted", which seems like the same basic concept. https://www.academia.edu/4075725/Problems_in_the_Diagnosis_of_OCD

I just wanted to know, are there any known cases of law enforcement finding out the search history of someone with POCD? How would it be handled, assuming no illegal images or videos were viewed? Would the person's life be ruined just because they looked at some weird, yet technically legal stuff, or googled stuff about their concerns that they might be a pedophile? What if someone's POCD got so bad that they attempted to turn themselves in, as I believe some users on this board have considered?

I recently recycled my phone that I was using when I viewed those stories, and couldn't wipe it first because it was broken. Ever since, I've been terrified that I'm going to be arrested because there was some trace left in my phone of viewing those pages. Some days I can convince myself that it's unlikely and keep the constant feeling of dread more or less at bay, but other times I won't eat or sleep for days because I'm so scared. With so many sufferers out there who probably have web histories that could look really bad if someone saw them, I really want to know what would happen in this situation from a legal standpoint.

Hi Silly,

About 15 years ago, I was heavily into reading and writing taboo erotica (not pedo stuff, which I abhor). At times I would start obsessing about all sorts of related fears that would keep me up at night. I really shouldn't have, because I wasn't breaking any laws.

And that's the point. Each country has different obscenity laws, especially regarding things like erotica. I doubt very highly that the authorities are worried about someone with POCD exactly. They are concerned with what has been done, POCD or not. We have had a few people with POCD admit to searching for CP (and finding some) just to 'check'. Again, I don't think the authorities care too much about motive (maybe the courts do), so checking, in this case, can be dangerous.

But you are nowhere near that. You have nothing illegal on your computer and only some possible evidence that you have visited places where there are taboo stories, that even the hardcore stuff may not break obscenity laws. With the RAMPANT exchange of unlawful images and movies online I doubt very highly that anyone is investigating you, because more than likely you didn't break any laws.

However, what is almost assured, is the anxiety that is forcing you to distort reality and paralyze you. And, if I may, I think the first half of your post is something that needs to be looked into (events of your past). I would focus on that and getting to the heart of what causes your anxiety and possibly other issues.

Otter.

As someone trying to build an IT career I can honestly say you don't have anything to worry about. Not that my words will mean too much, I've struggled with OCD myself, and you'll probably have the same "but what about A, B, and C ..." that I do - so you should know first off that no amount of reassurance will EVER be enough with this affliction.

First off, if you're on the internet, you're going to come across some stuff either intentionally for reasons that have no ill intent, like yourself with this OCD struggle, or unintentionally. If you've EVER visited the site 4chan, an anonymous message board, rest assured at any given time you've probably run across child, scat, decapitations, and all kinds of disgusting types of imagery that are most likely illegal. If law enforcement tried to track down all the people that probably had that kind of stuff saved in a temporary cache on their computer, they would have to arrest basically every visitor of that highly trafficked website. Probably in the millions.

Second, there are no laws I've EVER been aware of regarding stories of anything on the web, unless someone is writing something as a threat to another individual or public official, you don't have to worry about it. Individuals who get arrested aren't people who just type things in a Google search, read stories, or really even search for people on the web. Honestly, most of this stuff these people do, is go onto something called the "dark web" connect using Tor relays where their usage isn't traced and goto website you or I cannot reach. You would have to actively seek out the Tor browser, know where to go to find this material, and then these individuals store that material on their computer or in the case of one recent bust, actually did not secure their site correctly which allowed the feds to infiltrate their forum and take them all down. Ever hear of the recent Silk Road case? This is the type of stuff law enforcement is worried about, there is 0% chance anyone is concerned with your web history on an old broken phone, and that's making the huge assumption that anyone even ACCESSED the phone in the first place. Practically every piece of hardware you ever send in to be recycled is wiped or destroyed off the bat.

You did nothing wrong, and nothing will happen to you. Your struggle though is with OCD and fighting uncertainty. You've got to fight it on these grounds and not the subject matter.

Thank you for your replies, both of you. It really does help.

There are no laws about reading written material in my country, just obscenity laws about publishing it. Even so, there has only been one case of someone actually going to court over writing an obscene story, and he was found "not guilty" even though the story was very horrific and involved real people. A couple years back they did consider including obscene stories about children in the definition of C.P. which would make it extremely illegal to view them even by accident, but it wasn't passed in the end.

The situation I've been afraid of is one where someone reads the memory chip on my old recycled phone for some reason, sees one or two of those stories in my history or cached pages or whatever (I know a lot of files can be easily recovered even when deleted) and turns it in to authorites because they think it must have belonged to a p*dophile. Once they had it, wouldn't they want to investigate me to see if I actually was one, and find out if I'd looked at anything illegal in the years since I was using that phone? Although there wouldn't be any crime to convict me of, being suspected of that would surely ruin my life. Imagine family and friends finding out, not to mention it would go on some kind of permanent record.

I don't want to make anyone worried, but I imagine this could theoretically apply to others with POCD who have searched for things like "am I a p*dophile" or searched extensively for ordinary pictures or videos of kids. None of that is illegal, but if the wrong people were to see their history for any reason, I'm guessing it would be looked into, wouldn't it?

I know it's extremely unlikely in my case that anyone would even try to look at the contents of my phone. But as we all know, OCD isn't rational. I think I'm getting a little better, but I'm constantly up and down. Sometimes I can kind of see it rationally, other times it feels like there's no point in being alive or trying to achieve anything if there's even the slightest chance that I could one day be the subject of such an investigation.

The worst part is not knowing if it will happen and having absolutely nothing I can do to make it any less likely. Usually when I obsess over something there are at least preventative measures I can take. All I can think is how stupid I was to get rid of my phone without making sure to destroy anything inside that might have contained data, thus preventing this entire situation and saving me weeks of stress (possibly months or years, depending on how long it takes me to stop worrying about this). I've even thought about visiting the recycling centre and finding out where things go and how quickly they're destroyed etc, even though I know even that wouldn't give me total reassurance. It's just the only thing I can think of that might make any difference at all. I need a way out of worrying about this, and I can't see one.

Otter, when you talk about focusing on events in the past and getting to the heart of what caused my issues, do you mean figuring out if I was sexually abused? I still feel like it really might have happened, I match almost all the common symptoms found in adult abuse victims. Since I have no memories of anything happening, I've always assumed I'll probably never know and I'll just have to accept that, unless a spontaneous memory crops up one day. How would I go about making any progress with this?

Again, you're already making about 40 assumptions before you even get to the point that anyone would even be in a position to care. You've started with assuming by recycling the phone anyone would even track who you are, even if the return was tied to your name, it most likely was accepted then thrown in a pile.

Then you're assuming that broken phone wasn't parted and separated and just melted into raw material value.

If it wasn't you're assuming they wouldn't wipe it themselves, which would make no sense that they didn't.

After that you're assuming if they didn't that someone would even look at your history or even care, but the phone would have been reset anyway if someone would be able to get it operational.

Then if you make the humongous leap through all that you're assuming law enforcement would care, which they don't. They have better things to do than to pour tax dollars into investigating someone's Google search history. They're after content MAKERS and PROVIDERS - that's why they goto these hives of individuals on the dark web to find these people. And even then you're assuming what you did is even illegal, which it isn't. I don't know if you live in the US, but I do, and I know it's not. Obscenity laws are never used, I even recall a case where an adult film maker made some hardcore crazy stuff involving religious figures and things like that and they couldn't even indict on obscenity grounds.

If I had to count all the "on paper" illegal things on the web I've done myself in terms of copyright violation to looking at celebrity leaked pictures it would probably total in the hundreds, like most average users on the internet. Not that I do the same stuff anymore, but if you're worried about the law and what you access on the normal web through things such as Google searches, 90% of the US would be fined or put in jail.

As for your other OCD problem, what does it matter if you were abused or not? You clearly can't remember, so it likely didn't happen, but even if it did - then what? Lots of successful people who WERE abused and have vivid memories of it went on to live successful lives, like Oprah and countless others. What is getting to the 'root' of the memory going to solve?

Once again, I doubt logic is going to play a role in reassuring you, because you have OCD. Just like from my perspective it makes no sense why you think the way you think, you could probably say the same thing about me and why I've resold dozens of items due to the tiniest perceived defect, or the same about people who drive around in their cars making sure they didn't hit anyone for hours at night or worried they spilled battery acid. That's the point. That's why Howard Hughes, one of the most successful people in history locked himself in a room and filled bottles of urine and was a recluse.

If you want to combat this, you need to look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. If not a therapist, goto Amazon, there's great books, look for Jonathon Grayson, there's books showing how to implement this therapy for yourself, which may be hard to do but it's something. And there's dozens of stories similar to yours in his book where people are caused agony about the most random things.

I'm totally aware I'm making a bunch of huge leaps. Like I say, I know it's ridiculously unlikely, it's just the fact that it's even possible that gives me the horrible uneasy feeling. I guess it's similar to when people have locked the door multiple times but still go home and check just in case they didn't. Although with this particular thing I feel like I didn't even "lock the door" to begin with, and there's no way to "go back and check". All I can do is research stuff online that might reassure me, and post about it on here.

The obsessing about whether or not I was sexually abused is pretty much in the past now. I haven't really worried about it in a couple years, just as I'm no longer looking at weird stories to monitor my sexual responses. A few years ago, whether I was abused or not seemed very important and relevant because I was actively trying and failing to form intimate relationships with other people, and my issues and conflicts surrounding sex, body image, intimacy and a bunch of other stuff were really holding me back. I felt like knowing there was an explanation might help me to overcome some of those issues or at least explain them to people I was close to, rather than just seeing myself as broken and assuming others saw me as broken as well. Now there has been no hint of romance or sex in my life for years, so there are fewer reasons to think about it. I imagine if by some miracle I found myself getting involved with someone now, I might start obsessing over it again, but for now I've kind of accepted I may never know. I was only talking about getting to the root of it because another user suggested I should. I am open to the possibility that it might not be the best idea.

My recent obsessions have all been centered around privacy, getting in trouble, or ruining my life somehow. These started a few months ago when some people I have a bad history with tried to get me arrested. They were also exacerbated by some reports of crimes near my house - people came round asking about it, and I was terrified I was a suspect even though I wasn't. I even thought it might be the same people falsely reporting crimes to get me in trouble again. It was these thoughts that caused me to hastily get rid of my old phone and a bunch of other stuff, and start thinking about every legally or morally dubious thing I had ever done and whether any of it could come back to haunt me.

Thank you for your input though. It does seem to help (at least temporarily) when people are straightforward with me and tell me this stuff isn't going to happen. I do have an appointment with a new therapist soon. I'll also look up the author you recommended, and I'll try to spend some time today focusing on other things and see if I can fade this out of my mind.

it's just the fact that it's even possible that gives me the horrible uneasy feeling." I guess it's similar to when people have locked the door multiple times but still go home and check just in case they didn't. Although with this particular thing I feel like I didn't even "lock the door" to begin with, and there's no way to "go back and check". All I can do is research stuff online that might reassure me, and post about it on here.

That's the point, classic OCD. Living with uncertainty is the point, and that's actually the title of the book:

mod edit- link removed

Seriously, get this book. It's written by the director of the OCD Treatment Center in Philadelphia and it's not expensive.

And actually reassurance is the exact opposite route you should be going, I just responded to the subject matter to prove a point. No matter how much you're reassured you will, or are already, thinking of some caveat to say "Well but ..." to. It's never enough.

We can't be assured about anything. Is it possible any obsession related to OCD could come true? Sure. So could my vehicle leak a trail of gasoline behind me that ignites when a family driving by throws a cigarette out the window and causes an accident killing dozens. And I'm sure that's someone's obsession somewhere at sometime. But you see my point. Try to get that book at work with it.

sillycat this is a really great post of yours ive often thought about that same question and said hmmm why dont more people ask that question...but i've read your post and it sounds to me you DID nothing wrong; in a related note let me pivot and say this: twice when i was 19 i sexted and texted a 14 year old girl and we were both interested in each other and she sent me several X rated pictures... i'm pretty sure that was illegal and i feel guilty about it to this day... i am afraid not that i am a pedophile which i know i'm not but that i am a hebephile (someone attracted to teens)... and there have been many times i have felt sexually attracted to girls 13-16 and i am afraid i dont have OCD and this is some sort of sick perversion i have... maybe i have OCD and have hebephilia... but technically ive actually had actions in my past that were concerning...you just googled stuff...totally normal

Hi mfs12,

Thank you for your reply. Thankfully the replies on here have helped to ease most of my obsessing over my web history, for now at least. My OCD-type thoughts have mostly shifted onto various other things I feel guilty about in the past, which isn't fun but is slightly less terrifying.

Onto your situation. What you did was almost definitely illegal, depending where you live. But you know it was wrong, and that's really important. I do think 19 and 14 is much too big an age difference, but I also know that when I was 19 I was still extremely immature and clueless about the world. When I was 19 I knew 14-15 year olds were too young for me personally and wasn't attracted to any, but I saw others in relationships with similarly inappropriate age gaps and didn't think into it much at all, and even thought some of them were good couples (being complicit in those situations is one of the things I've been feeling horribly guilty about lately). It was only when I reached 20 or 21 that I fully understood the potential for harm, and the huge difference in maturity between someone who has reached adulthood and someone who is still several years away.

Generally I think adults seeking out or engaging in inappropriate contact with children or underage teenagers is one of the most abhorrent things in the world. But there obviously are situations (usually involving a young adult and an older teenager) that aren't completely and totally wrong, even if the gap in maturity is still unhealthy and poses psychological risks. A 19 year old pursuing a 14 year old and later feeling guilty about it probably falls under that category, and is not on the same level as an older person doing the same thing.

I also don't think it's inherently wrong for adults to notice the attractiveness of a (post-pubescent) teenager, as long as the knowledge of the person's age quells any desire to actually pursue them in any way. So even if you do have some attraction to teens, as long as you would feel completely wrong about actually being involved with one, I don't think that would count as a "sick perversion". Passing attraction is okay, realistic desires or attempts to act on it are not.

I agree with everything you said except for the second to last paragraph where you seemed to say children and teens are the same. I would feel very guilty if I ever physically did something with anyone under 16 (age of consent here) but when I was 19 and she was 14 idk if "abhorrent" would be a word I would use... Especially since I was also a teen not an adult. And 14 is legal in Italy Germany France etcc. But again do I think it was wrong and just ewww yea I do but abhorrent is a bit strong. But yea I truly hope I'm a good person and this is just ocd