possible trans OCD

Hello. I'm 20m who has been having some trouble recently.

For the past 8 months I've been dealing with what I believe to be some sort of trans OCD. Though I'm not certain.

Firstly, I've had a history of anxiety, depression, and PTSD, diagnosed, all throughout my life. Though nothing, absolutely nothing, is on the level of sheer awfulness of what I'm going through right now.

It all started when one of my closest friends came out as trans. I began researching and came out across this article.

http://freethoughtblogs.com/zinniajones ... dysphoria/

After reading it, I had the biggest panic attack I've ever had and had a complete mental breakdown. A lot of these were symptoms of plain ol' depression, but it got to me anyways. I was vomiting, could barely sleep, had daily panic attacks, would pace for hours. I had to quit school. The two months after were an absolute hell.

I went to the boards. /r/asktransgender, emptyclosets, /lgbt/.I would spend hours a day researching, questioning, and testing. Reading stories, checking my past childhood, looking for clues, anything.This went on forever. Every day was the same cycle of dobut and questioning. I simultaneously spiked my anxiety and gave me relief, like some sort of fear-checking impusle. I would check the mirror whenever I could to see if I hated myself. The stories that stick with you are the worst. Every last one of them gave me anxiety, and I try to forget about them. The one person who thought they liked being a guy but really were attracted to guys, and transitioned. Or the people who were attracted to their old self after transitioning, it just makes me queasy. Or the person who started cross-dressing at a middle-aged and then suddenly transitioned, just like that. These come back to haunt me and make me doubt myself.

It got worse. It went from "no way I want to be a girl" to "maybe it wouldn't be so bad". After researching physical dysphoria I started to feel weird about my masculine features. After learning about SRS I started to feel weird about my penis, and I started freaking out that maybe I hated it. This can apply to many different concepts. I even briefly considered hormones just so this terrifying questioning would end. Everything felt so real, so absolutely real. I can't believe I had gone that far in my questioning. Would a cis person ever do that? Am I deeply in denial? How could I be so unsure of myself? This sparked some of the worst anxiety I've ever had.

At this point I was suicidal, so I decided to do something about it. I found a therapist who specializes in GID. After a few months, she said she believed I had trans OCD. I had never even considered I had OCD before, and that's how I found this forum. I had relief for a week or two. This was it! I related more to these stories than any trans story I ever read. I was on 50mg of Zoloft and finally felt like life could be normal again. I thought it was over. Then it came back with a vengeance.

Recently I've noticed I've been stuck in a cycle of doubt and reassurance. I come to this board for answers whenever I feel the panic start to creep up. I've read that ERP is the only end in sight, which is horrifying.

Plus there's a bunch of sexual stuff related to this that I'm also obsessing over. I have lots of intrusive and upsetting sexual thoughts that are hard to avoid that makes everything x10 worse. I just feel so lost. No other story I've read can relate to this aspect, but it's all so sudden. I can't afford my GID therapist and I was feeling really bad tonight so I just needed to tell someone. Thoughts and PM's welcome. Thanks for your time.

God this is awful. I've had two dreams in a row where I was female, one of them in a sexual situation. Is my mind trying to tell me something? Are my dreams my true desires? I hope it's just an obsession. How does this happen? I never, not once, EVER thought about being a girl, or even had one sexual fantasy remotely close to. I have this whisper in my head that says "no, you DO want to transition!" and it's really stressful. I can't tell if it's my gut or my anxiety. I read about adult onset GID and pray this isn't happening to me. I don't know what to do....

Also, I had a weird thought that maybe at one specific moment in my childhood I told myself I wanted to be a girl. I really don't think it's true, but now I don't know if it's real or not

I basically went through the same thing you did. I read that exact same article last June and got an anxiety too. Okay first no you ain't trans this will give you relief for a few minutes then you'l get anxiety again. Your constant checking hasn't helped has it? No matter how much reassurance you reieve it's never going to beat something like OCD because you're trying to use logic (reassurance) on something that is illogical (OCD). You can do ERP therapy by yourself PM me or look online, or continue with your anxiety spiral for the rest of your life.

I tried passive acceptance for a few days, as well as habituation, trying to accept uncertainty, and I felt better for a little. But one night, I heard in my head" you would be happier as a female, stop lying to yourself" and I had probably the biggest panic attack I've ever had. My vision was cloudy and for a few moments I thought I was going to die. It felt like I was in a dream-like state it was really scary. I can't believe I've gotten to this point of doubting myself. This was never supposed to happen. I hope I'm not "realizing" my true self because this is awful.

Now I'm obsessing over the fact that I'm an autogynephiliac or crossdreamer, due to the sheer amount of intrusive sexual thoughts and the sexual dream I had since this all started. I read somewhere that this condition can start after puberty and in early adulthood, and that it is caused by severe social anxiety, lack of self-esteem, and narcissistic tendencies and that in turn you try to make yourself into the object of your desires. They said this can also create SOCD. This scared the hell out of me because I fit all three of those. It doesn't help that I'm reaching into my childhood and wondering if I had miscontrued my sexual fantasies in my past. I'm so lost it's hilarious. I want this hell to end and to return to my normal life....

I talked to my parents and I'm going to find a cheaper therapist who I can just talk to, and perhaps talk to my GP about finding a psychiatrist who specializes in OCD, and do guided ERP. I've also started a meditation regimen. I'm in a bad spot. I hope this becomes manageable.

sadgrasshopper95 wrote:I
Now I'm obsessing over the fact that I'm an autogynephiliac or crossdreamer, due to the sheer amount of intrusive sexual thoughts and the sexual dream I had since this all started. I read somewhere that this condition can start after puberty and in early adulthood, and that it is caused by severe social anxiety, lack of self-esteem, and narcissistic tendencies and that in turn you try to make yourself into the object of your desires. They said this can also create SOCD. This scared the hell out of me because I fit all three of those. It doesn't help that I'm reaching into my childhood and wondering if I had miscontrued my sexual fantasies in my past. I'm so lost it's hilarious. I want this hell to end and to return to my normal life....

I also recognize myself when it comes to social anxiety, lack of self-esteem etc. But that itself can't cause OCD. I believe there has to be some genetic component in the mix, which science suggests. Do you have someone in your family with anxiety-disorders? Any relatives?

I read somewhere that people with OCD is much more likely to have anxiety-disorders running in the family than those who don't have OCD. My father had anxiety issues in the past. My brother also had anxiety issues and panic attacks in the past. My sister is probably having symmetric OCD but she has never been diagnosed and don't want to because it's not such an interference in her life.My cousin had OCD, the nasty one where she cleaned her hands until they literally bleed. I don't know how she cured herself, but she went to a psychologist to get rid of the problem. I myself are having problems with HOCD, I've had TOCD and POCD in the past.

TOCD and HOCD likes to go back into your past and dig up things that does not mean anything quite frankly. I mean, most trans and gay people know from an early age. There is that percentage that find out later, but they don't obsess about it. They don't find the thoughts to be upsetting. They don't engage in compulsive behavior. I hope you can recover from this dreadful disorder, there are plenty of people who have done it. Just make sure you won't tolerate the crap OCD throws at you.

Thanks for the reply luxury. Yes, severe anxiety disorders and chronic depression run on both sides of the family, though mostly two generations behind. I was referring more to the adult onset GID / crossdreaming stuff, that it can be picked up later in life due to those factors, it's really freaking me out.

I've never recognized myself as having OCD before this, though that was the therapist's diagnosis. I guess It happened when I was much younger (worried I would die in my sleep, worried of extreme illness) and forms of BDD which I hear can be symptoms of OCD, but it sure as hell doesn't make things like "OMG is that dysphoria?" any better. Anyways, this is the only outlet for my anxieties atm so posting here feels like the only way to ground myself.

Thanks again luxury. I really appreciate the input, and I wish you luck with your HOCD

I understand you completely. I suspect I might be having BDD because I remember obsessing about my appearance some years ago. I literally couldn't go out because I was afraid people thought I was extremely ugly. I am to this day resentful of posting pictures of me on social media. When I see myself on pictures or videos, I want to just lay down and never go back. If I would have posted pictures on social media, I have constant thoughts about other finding me ugly as hell.

I have periods where I find features on my body to be ugly or not in my taste. All from my boobs, my hands, my teeth, my nose, my eyebrows, my lips etc. And I also have a hard time deciding what to wear day to day, I can't get satisfaction from any type of style.

I believe this has fueled my social anxiety, but I rarely have any problems socially anymore.

The other obsessions about dying in your sleep or having an extreme illness is what I have gone through as well. I've had multiple obsessions. I did not even know about OCD 3 months ago. I even doubt I have it. I told my mother about all this and she said it had to be something because it did not seem normal to her obsessing about it for so long, creating so much anxiety etc.

sadgrasshopper95 wrote:I tried passive acceptance for a few days, as well as habituation, trying to accept uncertainty, and I felt better for a little. But one night, I heard in my head" you would be happier as a female, stop lying to yourself" and I had probably the biggest panic attack I've ever had. My vision was cloudy and for a few moments I thought I was going to die. It felt like I was in a dream-like state it was really scary. I can't believe I've gotten to this point of doubting myself. This was never supposed to happen. I hope I'm not "realizing" my true self because this is awful.

Now I'm obsessing over the fact that I'm an autogynephiliac or crossdreamer, due to the sheer amount of intrusive sexual thoughts and the sexual dream I had since this all started. I read somewhere that this condition can start after puberty and in early adulthood, and that it is caused by severe social anxiety, lack of self-esteem, and narcissistic tendencies and that in turn you try to make yourself into the object of your desires. They said this can also create SOCD. This scared the hell out of me because I fit all three of those. It doesn't help that I'm reaching into my childhood and wondering if I had miscontrued my sexual fantasies in my past. I'm so lost it's hilarious. I want this hell to end and to return to my normal life....

I talked to my parents and I'm going to find a cheaper therapist who I can just talk to, and perhaps talk to my GP about finding a psychiatrist who specializes in OCD, and do guided ERP. I've also started a meditation regimen. I'm in a bad spot. I hope this becomes manageable.

Yup I went through the autogynephilia thing too, I even got a groinal response from it aswell and it scared me. You can do ERP therapy yourself you don't need anyone's help for that.

Hi,

I'm going through almost an identical thing and I'm so worried it's not TOCD. I have a Gender Therapist, Psychiatrist and a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist who all tell me this is TOCD (I have been diagnosed with Pure O OCD) but I keep digging through all of my past and find little clues as to why I might be transgender.

I have been tearing my hair out, almost quit my job and keep having all these thoughts that I really do want to be a woman because I have always had more girl friends and I was feminine as a little boy. I am so terrified of it and I, too, even considered starting hormones just to get these thoughts to go away because all of the stories I read say that it will only get worse until you start hormones. Now I keep having images of myself as an old woman and graphic images of me having sex as a woman that make me really scared. I've lost so much sleep over this, keep tucking my penis in the mirror to think if I'd rather not have it and convincing myself that I don't want it (even though I've never had a problem with it) and I even cross dressed a few times to see if it made me feel anything (while it was 'cool' as a hypothetical it definitely didn't give me any sense of excitement)

I am so so worried I am trans and have had a few days where I accept it and feel "happy" about it but then it comes back as a bad thing and I start checking and ruminating about it. I am really scared I'm gonna be like one of those people who represses it and transitions at like 50.

I feel your pain and I hope for the both of us that we can get through this. PM me if you'd like to talk.

Best,
Spencer