Transgender or TOCD?!

Hi All,

I have been diagnosed with OCD (in the thought realm) and have been terrified of being transgender for the past two months. It's eating at me so much that I am thinking of quitting my job because I can't even get through the day. I'm a 23 year old gay male.

As a child there were some signs I could be transgender. Most of my friends were girls, there was one time I wished I was a girl, but I never thought I was one and those feelings went away as I grew older. Sometimes I thought life would be easier as a girl because I'm not stereotypically masculine but I never desired to be one. I questioned being transgender like twice in my life but it never resonated and I always thought trans people were fascinating.

About two months ago I started researching transgender people and basically was hit by a train of anxiety and think I am transgender now. I never saw my future as a woman and I never considered myself a woman but I have been researching transgender identities literally nonstop, even at work for the full day (so probably about 10 hours a day). I've 100% convinced myself I am going to be transgender and even thought "ok I'll just start taking hormones because that's the only thing that will make this go away." This does feel a lot like other bouts of OCD behaviors I've had but I swear it just feels so real and now I've convinced myself that I've been living in denial all these years and because I had thought about it twice in the past that means I am definitely transgender. I just want to go back to being happy as myself. I've never had any issues with my body and now I don't like looking in the mirror because I'm wondering if I do have GID. Everything says "if you question if you're trans then you are trans" and "once this thought comes into your head it only gets worse and worse over time and it beats you down" so I'm terrified that my only option is to transition now or it will just get worse.

Also, I keep reading about people who thought they had TOCD and they realized they were trans. I met with a gender therapist and he said "In my 30 years experience you do not match the identity of a transsexual person but only you can decide who you are." That helped me so much but a week later the feelings came back and I am totally convinced I am going to be transgender and always have been.

Best,
Spencer

skier29 wrote:Hi All,

I have been diagnosed with OCD (in the thought realm) and have been terrified of being transgender for the past two months. It's eating at me so much that I am thinking of quitting my job because I can't even get through the day. I'm a 23 year old gay male.

As a child there were some signs I could be transgender. Most of my friends were girls, there was one time I wished I was a girl, but I never thought I was one and those feelings went away as I grew older. Sometimes I thought life would be easier as a girl because I'm not stereotypically masculine but I never desired to be one. I questioned being transgender like twice in my life but it never resonated and I always thought trans people were fascinating.

About two months ago I started researching transgender people and basically was hit by a train of anxiety and think I am transgender now. I never saw my future as a woman and I never considered myself a woman but I have been researching transgender identities literally nonstop, even at work for the full day (so probably about 10 hours a day). I've 100% convinced myself I am going to be transgender and even thought "ok I'll just start taking hormones because that's the only thing that will make this go away." This does feel a lot like other bouts of OCD behaviors I've had but I swear it just feels so real and now I've convinced myself that I've been living in denial all these years and because I had thought about it twice in the past that means I am definitely transgender. I just want to go back to being happy as myself. I've never had any issues with my body and now I don't like looking in the mirror because I'm wondering if I do have GID. Everything says "if you question if you're trans then you are trans" and "once this thought comes into your head it only gets worse and worse over time and it beats you down" so I'm terrified that my only option is to transition now or it will just get worse.

Also, I keep reading about people who thought they had TOCD and they realized they were trans. I met with a gender therapist and he said "In my 30 years experience you do not match the identity of a transsexual person but only you can decide who you are." That helped me so much but a week later the feelings came back and I am totally convinced I am going to be transgender and always have been.

Best,
Spencer

Hi Spencer. I have bolded in Red all of the signs that indicate to me, this is OCD. Especially that larger middle section, which sounds exactly like almost every other OCD we have - such HOCD, POCD, and others.

And one other thing. My COUSIN, who is in his 50's, was a woman up until he was 35. ALL THE TIME he was a woman he WANTED to be a MAN. Never any doubt, and NEVER, EVER any fear of becoming a man.

Also,

I keep reading about people who thought they had TOCD and they realized they were trans.

Did you really read many stories about people with TOCD that were actually trans? Where?

Otter.

thanks for the response.

In the back of my head I can recognize that this is most likely OCD but it still feels incredibly real. I've always found women's clothes very beautiful and that's another thing that's making me feel like I want to be a woman.

Since I started thinking about this I basically haven't been sleeping and wake up every single morning with the fear and "knowing" I am transgender. I've had nightmares about sex change surgery and keep watching MTF Transition videos on YouTube trying to find peace and accept that that's who I am since I've questioned being transgender.

I've tried to imagine having a female body and even though hypothetically it's a cool thought the thought of making my body into a female's makes me to freaked out. But still, I keep looking in the mirror and telling myself that all my insecurities that I thought were normal with my body in the past were really just GID.

I also read that once you think you're trans you are first more scared to transition and then eventually you're more scared not to transition. So I'm so terrified of reaching a point where I actually want to transition more than I want to stay a man. Sorry to rant, I just cannot stop thinking about it.

First off.. STOP LOOKING FOR EVIDENCE, it's like trying to get a confession out of torture haha... it will never be truth.

I always figured it would be easier for a gay man/woman to deal with TOCD as they generally in some cases feel disgust for the opposite sex, thus view the body of the opposite sex as undesirable.
Where as someone that is straight and has TOCD, has confusing reactions in regards of his mental checking/compulsions, as they generally desire the body of the opposite sex. Anyways.. I'm rambling.. I just find that interesting.

ALL OCD feels VERY REAL, you probably know this.. as you've stated that you've had OCD previous to this.
Could you perhaps mention the themes of OCD you've had in the past?
Lastly.. do yourself a favor .. and look up HOCD by jon hershfield (google him) .. there's not much literature on TOCD , or any at all.. but rest assure, you will find compelling similarities with HOCD as you will with TOCD.
Good luck , and God bless.

Thanks for the suggestion, I definitely resonate with the "Experimental History HOCD" and "(Really) Need-To-Know HOCD".

I'm basically going over everything in my childhood that is similar to transgender peoples childhoods (sometimes I dressed in moms clothes, played with girl toys, etc) and I even forced myself to cross dress because I needed an answer. I didn't get any huge sense of relief from doing this like a lot of transgender people describe. But I also didn't HATE it so that freaked me out.

How this all started is that I researched transgender videos for no reason and came across a "how do you know if you're transgender" video... this MTF girl said "if you're asking this question then you probably are" and right then and there I was like "omg I'm a girl" and now I can't stop thinking about pronouns and whether or not "he" or "she" sounds better even though this was never an issue in the past and I keep looking at guys and girls as they walk by and I'm like "can you not see yourself growing up to be a man?" "do you feel like the women you see?" This other gender therapist who had a youtube video up was like "imagine yourself with a woman's body does it feel good?" and I freaked out that maybe I do want a woman's body and at the end of the video she was like "you owe it to yourself to go on hormones" and that killed me. I have cried so much over this and feel like I have no choice but to become a woman and that some day I'm going to really want it.

It's truly eating me alive and even though I kind of recognize the similarity to other OCD moments I've had I keep telling myself there's enough evidence from my childhood that I must be trans.

This is the kicker though.. you're not going to feel like yourself during the anxiety and the intrusive thoughts/ideas/sensations/etc... because once the sense of FEAR/ANXIETY sets in your sense of self is put on hold, and that can be confusing for those who deal with HOCD/TOCD/HARM-OCD/PEDOPHILE OCD/etc.. because the only thing you're left with is the intrusive list of crap OCD gives you.
That's why when people have OCD like that of HARM ocd .. they feel like they are in denial and truly want to hurt someone because they never or rarely get a positive thought coinciding with those they care about , it's only constant thoughts of harm to those they care for. With that feeling of denial comes the ever consuming need for certainty and proof , which included the evaluation of ones past present and future.
Same can be said with HOCD, or TOCD or POCD .. the list goes on.
We have a disconnect with who we truly are once a theme of OCD takes hold because all rational thoughts and circumstances are replaced with fear and anxiety which generates the thoughts.

Yeah, I've had a brief stint of Harm OCD in the past, but it never got to the point where I was irrationally afraid of it. It was basically just unwanted thoughts of whether or not I was violent (I am most definitely not).

I think deep down I kind of maybe know I'm not trans but I just keep telling myself that I'm using TOCD as an escape as a form of denial. I really hope I do not have to become a woman in my life to be happy.

Thanks again for your input.

Here's my story. I was growing up and loved barbies, and sailor moon. My first encounter with OCD was when I was 8. Grade 9 I questioned if I was trans because I was very feminine for a guy and people would always mistake me for a girl. I would have day dreams about being a drag queen lip syncing sometimes and they were fun. I figured out I wasn't trans really fast since I knew I don't want boobs or a vagina. Grade 12 hit me so hard, I walked out of my chem class having the thought 'am I trans'? I had a downward spiral, I never felt like this before, this anxiety. I didn't know it was OCD util July 2014. I always hear trans people say "cis people never question their identity" This gave me an anxiety attack even though I knew it was OCD, because I DID question before this hit me. Most people with TOCD didn't. I would imagine myself in a female body, in 1st person and get really grossed out. Boobs and a vagina feel very unnatural to me, so this was my reassurance. I finally tackled my OCD and now im finally free, I didn't do it through reassurance though and torturing myself. Anxiety is a distortion it makes you think in black and white when gender is so fluid. I know the 'gender is fluid' will probably scare you, thinking you might be on the female side and have to transition. The thing is we are NEVER what we fear. Trans people may fear how people will treat them, but they never fear the thought of being trans. I didn't fear being gay, although I didn't want to be at the time, the thought wasn't scary. Using logic to fight something that isn't logical (OCD) will never work. Do ERP therapy, it's going to be very hard in the beginning, it might almost feel like you're going to come out trans because the anxiety is so high. If you have anymore questions PM me.

This was a beautiful post , and Glad to hear that you've gotten over it and are practicing ERP/CBT.
It definitely is hard sometimes, because even for myself at times start to ruminate and think about the "what if" without even noticing it , rather than just actively nodding my head and agreeing with the "possibility" of being trans/denial, because the brain is in constant search for certainty haha.

Thanks so much for sharing your story, I think after (obsessively) researching TOCD it's becoming more clear that that is what I'm going through. However, there are a few people on this forum who comment saying "I thought I was suffering from TOCD for two years and then realized I was really trans" and that definitely makes me lose hope that I'm not just using TOCD as a form of denial since there are some things from my childhood that fit trans narratives.

I'm going to start working on this in CBT and praying with all my might that I don't ever have to become a woman to be happy since I believe it's going to creep up on me like all the stories say it does.