POCD? Help please!

Hello

I'm almost 17, and for as long as I can remember I have been suffering from obsessive behaviours. I obsess over activities, hobbies, rituals, things I've heard and read and how others view me. Shortly after I hit puberty, however, I began to worry about my sexuality.

Until I was 14, I had been convinced (not merely in denial, but totally certain) that I was straight. However, getting over my own prejudices about gay people made me realise that I was, in fact, gay. I came to accept myself and eventually came out, but after a while I began to worry that I was a pedophile.

I am not sure exactly what triggered it, but once the idea dawned on me, I couldn't cope. As my life became busy the worries subsided, and until about 5 months ago I felt fine, before they came back with a vengeance - today things really came to a head, which is why I'm here.

Now I know I shouldn't be on PsychForums looking for validation or confirmation, but I need to know whether or not I am a threat to others because I don't believe I could live with myself if I were. Last week I learned some coping strategies for my worries, thinking it was probably OCD (I'm not diagnosed, and would not want to speak to a psychiatrist for fear of what I'd hear) - they included relabelling the thought/worry ("this is an obsession"), reattributing it ("it is caused by OCD, which is the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain etc."), refocusing (moving on to something else) and eventually revaluing (ceasing to care about the obsessive thought).

I am extremely worried that, given I was so "sure" I was straight when I'm actually not, I might in fact have an awful paraphilia but be in deep denial. The mere sight of a child, especially a male child 8-13, can send me off a cliff. I think about the sighting for an hour or more, analyse my initial responses and expose myself more (looking at more photographs of people in the same age range) for further analysis, scrutinsing everything for any signs that something might be wrong.

I always experience a weird sensation in the groin, which I have heard is called a groinal response. It's not an erection and it isn't arousal - it's often very uncomfortable. Of course, all the signs point to OCD (from where I'm standing).

But I'm here at the absolute end of my tether for three reasons:

1) I am worried that I may be convincing myself I have OCD when I may in fact have a pedophilic inclination, and I could merely be using the idea of OCD as an excuse to deny myself the truth.

2) I have been feeling less attracted to guys my own age (and especially older guys) lately. I don't know if this is an offshoot of OCD, with me going on guard at the slightest hint of sexual arousal, or if I am losing my ordered sexual orientation towards age-appropriate males. I am really worried the latter might be the case.

3) This is the big one. This evening I was watching a TV show which referred to some kid rapper named MattyB, who (according to Google) is 12. I immediately began to worry that I was attracted to him, and scoured Google Images pages to see if I got any response. I also watched some of his YouTube videos. In some pictures he seemed mature and I thought he was cute, but I am very scared that I might be a pedophile. I could never feel full-fledged arousal, but I did get a groinal response sensation and I am terrified that I was perhaps just "holding my arousal back" so to speak to save myself from the truth.

I'm sorry if this post is excessively long, and if you've gotten this far thank you for reading. I just need help. I need to know, otherwise this will destroy me.

All replies are truly appreciated.

Hi, OCDorWorse.

I see parallels in our stories and I want you to know my heart goes out to you.

To me, it doesn't sound like you're a pedophile. Your post sounds like a very obvious case of POCD.

It's good you've done your research and are trying to handle the problem yourself, but I do recommend that you try to see a professional anyway. I know it's very scary, especially because of this specific obsession, which is why I suggest you try to see someone who specializes in OCD treatment.

I want to address a couple of things I think you should keep in mind.

1) The sensation you're experiencing is likely groinal response. I'm not male, so I can't tell you for sure what legitimate arousal would feel like for you, but I'm certain you would know if that's what it was. The doubts in your head about the sensation are likely all a symptom of the OCD.

2) Your OCD is trying to convince you that it's not OCD. A lot of people go through this, struggling with their anxiety and going round and round in their heads trying to figure out what the "real" problem is.

Nothing is good enough for OCD. No explanations are good enough. No facts are good enough. OCD will make you doubt, doubt, doubt and doubt, even if it comes down to making you question if you have the disorder at all. This is one of the most important things to keep in mind when dealing with any kind of OCD.

The best thing you can do is continue to work with the coping strategies you've been using, until you get professional help. Remind yourself that these doubts about the disorder are a result of the disorder.

3) Your sexual attraction towards age appropriate partners subsiding is completely normal for the situation you're going through. OCD can be debilitating, and can lead to depression, which also causes a serious decline in sexual and romantic activity. Many mental health disorders can affect people this way, but it's very normal.

4) My suggestion to you is to stop checking, like you did with images and videos of MattyB. Checking doesn't work, and usually only serves to make things worse. While it may provide temporary relief, it will be fleeting, because this is not the correct way to cope with or treat this disorder.

I hope this provided you with some relief and some insight. Continue on with your coping strategies, and I have to say again, I really think you need to see a professional. Professionals can you help you infinitely more than people on the internet can.

I wish you the best of luck moving forward.