Cheating OCD- please help

Hi everyone, I'm new here.

I don't know if this information can help but I had depression when I was 13 and went to therapy for 4 Years because my mother tried to commit suicide and my parents divorced because of years my dad cheating on my mother. I thought I was fine until this started to affect my relationship.

This sounds crazy but what is driving me insane is the night out that happened almost 3years ago and is the only night out where I drank alcohol without my bf and I was talking to others guys who flirted with me. This 'guilt feeling' comes and goes in waves because I am afraid if I maybe repressed this memory of me cheating. I never had this image before until I read on forums that visualization helps and ever since I've visualize me kissing with another boy I can't get this image out of my head. I never have blackouts and I always remember everything after drinking, every detail. My friend was with me all the time and she says that nothing happened, I even talked these two guys about my boyfriend and how I am loyal. The problem is that both of them sent me messages the other day and I keep thinking what ifs.

When I'm not thinking about this I think about my boyfriend cheating. I never knew this could be ocd but now I keep thinking that I was so concerned about my bf cheating on me because I repressed this memory of me cheating on him, and it becomes vicious circle.

Please help me, I can't eat and study, and I can't enjoy this beautiful relationship I have with the first person ever who supports me and shows me what love really feels like.

Welcome to the forum, Lulu. I'm glad you've found us. And hope the forum can help and support you. I've split your post into its own thread. Since it didn't relate to the original except in the theme of the OCD. Please let me know if you'd like me to change the title to something that fits better, if you like.

And feel free to reply to other people's posts here too. We're all peers here, no professionals. You don't need to have any answers, either. Just support is good!

Hi Lulujacques -

Sorry this fear seem to be engulfing you. We had two of these kinds of fears in the last year. We don't get them often, but it does happen - so you're not alone in this.

The mind can be tricky as you know. I'm not saying you have OCD, but I will speak in those terms to address how the mind works on these occasions. One of the bad symptoms about the "logic" of OCD is that the person suffering must get to the "truth" of their fear 100%. If they are suffering HOCD, they need to know 100% what the truth is - that they are not gay.

But OCD creates this viscous circle. First it creates the fear, then it sends you off to find the truth. But because it knows that all it needs to do is introduce "doubt" it knows you will never find the truth.

So you can be given all the evidence in the world, and it all can be logical, but your brain just has to drop those two OCD bombs " WHAT IF ". Those two words are the evil of OCD.

But, as so many people with OCD know, it is the anxiety that fuels all the problems above. So that needs to be addressed. Have you thought about seeing a doctor?

Otter.

Thank you both for your kind words!
I just don't understand why this started bothering me months after that night out. Next days I remembered everything because I never have blackouts. And months after that, I had this guilty feeling but what if something like cheating was so horrible to me that I repressed it? And now, suddenly after almost 3years I read on one forum that visualization can help and now ever since I imagined me kissing this boy, I just can't get it out of my head!
This image doesn't feel right, it doesn't have any details, but when it comes in my mind it scares me so much that my heart starts beating fast and my brain just blocks!

I know in my heart that I didn't do anything wrong but my mind doesn't seem connected to it, this image feels so real and I keep thinking I conviced myself it is fake