Womanly advice for a severe OCD/HOCD sufferer?

Alright,
I feel at this point in time I am about to write every single thought in my. Knowing HOCD, it causes you to evaluate your past and me being the way that I am, I always want to explain and add EVERY thought I have to make sure there are ABSOLUTELY no misunderstandings.

I will try to keep the important parts brief. and keep to ONLY the important parts.

I am a 19 year old girl, born into a Christian family, Mom, dad, sister and a cat. I do believe in God.


Up until grade 5, I had bouts of looking at porn on and off. It ranged from nude pics of women, to bestiality to some lesbian stuff (only 2 I can remember) The first time my mom found out, she scolded me and I felt guilty after words, but I still would look at it from time to time (about 2 year gaps or so-but always felt guilty and told her about it) I also liked to climb polls and ropes because I'd get this tingly feeling in my genitals. (looking back, I was a VERY horny kid...more so than I'd like)

There were two times where I did something that to this DAY I wish I hadn't, but am kinda glad I did them so early, so I wasn't wondering later on in my teen years.

(SPIKE WARNING TO THOSE SENSITIVE WITH DESCRIPTIVE STORIES)
When was about 7, I invited the girl across the street over and asked if she knew anything about sex, she said. we went up into my room and we french kissed, licked each others bellies and rubbed our vaginas together. It was exciting. It happened about 4 or 5 more times before my mom became suspicious of why I was inviting her over so much and always in my room in the dark. I eventually told her. I don't remember her scolding me, but I do know I felt guilty about it. My mom told her mom and her mom told her dad. I was grounded for a week. After the grounding, I still asked her to do it. but she said "my dad says I'm not allowed" We also used to masturbate with marbles. I used to like sticking things in my underwear when I was younger because I liked the feeling of it rubbing me there. (see, I was a pretty horny kid....still not please with myself about that)

Later on when my family went to my grandparents house in the summer, I lured my sister into a room and tried to put my mouth on her vagina. I kept hesitating and she kept shrinking away saying no. My mom came in and started yelling at me. I felt ashamed.
(SPIKE WARNING END)

I remember having a lot of crushes on guys in elementary school, thinking they were cute and such. Never a girl. I could tell when I girl was prettier than another girl, but I never had a crush on them. I did however really want to be friends with everyone, and find a befriend, like on tv. the kind that did everything together and were super comfortable with each other.

This continued on into High school. I was excited, I get to see a lot of new cute boys. I do remember being somewhat excited to make new friends (mostly girls) because everyone thought I was annoying in elementary school, I'd get a fresh start in high school. At this time, I had never done anything sexual or looked at porn since about grade 5. I'd completely forgotten about all that.
I went through many failed friendships, tried really hard to find a best friend but they never worked. I eventually gave up. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, so I had to turn some guys down which I wasn't too happy about.

-The pivotal point.-
in the summer of transitioning into grade 11, I started to get into online voice acting. I had liked anime since I was in grade 2. I held auditions for a project I was doing. That's when I met this guy. We skyped a lot. He was super nice, super cute and just so wonderful. We fell in love.
But little did I know (dun dun) that I had (dun dun) a mental illness (DUN DUUUN!) I was very used to being anxious since I was little, finding it hard to get things out of my mind if it bothered.
After a year or so have unofficial online dating (don't worry, I webcamed him to make sure, he was only a year older than me) I was really happy, it made school easier to cope with knowing I could go home and talk to him, that I had someone all the way across the country who loved me.

Because of the way youtube and online voice acting works, you join a lot of group calls. I made a lot of male and female friends and frequented a group that consisted of one male-female transgender, a pan sexual girl and a questioning bi girl. I was never attracted to any of them. But one day, when I joined another group call with some girls and this one guy -who was very cute-. I started to notice I wanted to talk to him more. this set me off in a panic. I didn't want to lose interest in the guy I was sorta dating, we promised each other a lot of things (no sex until we were married). I felt so guilty that I almost vomited. I told the guy we can't be friends anymore. and then I told the "sorta dating guy" about what happened -he's extremely patient and understanding- and he didn't hate me or want to "break up" with me. But i fell into depression after that, I couldn't work up those butterflies for him anymore and I felt so sad. One day I got over it and told him "yes, i do still love you" but at that point, he'd given up and started dating someone who actually lived in his town. I fell into complete depression.

Through the depression, I would go into the call with the girls, to try to get my mind of things. Then suddenly, while one of them was talking, I though "Hmm, She makes me happy and her voice is kinda nice to listen to." then I freaked out. "What?! She makes me really happy!? Happiness means you like the person and I do NOT want to like her! I don't want to become a lesbian!" I was able to calm myself down and forget. Later in the year I ended up deleting everyone in the group for fear of having to talk to her and say "I felt like might have been attracted to you" and since she is open to any gender liking her, I was almost certain she was going to say "what? I'm surprised! I didn't think you swung that way!" When I really would have liked her to say "you not gay, so I don't know why you were worried".

From there it escalated, both male and female, if I felt happy around people, too happy ( like, I wanna talk to them all the time or they are on my mind a lot) I would purge (which for OCD is going through rituals) I'd delete everything of them and just boycott them. and it escalated from there. I was still depressed about the guy dating someone who was not me,

I'd forget about my worry of being gay. It seemed to strobe though. over my last year of high school, it seemed to flick pop up more and more frequently. I just wanted to get out of high school so I wouldn't have to be around the girls that made me uncomfortable. I still had fears of being happy around another guy who wasn't the guy from skype, which reassured me I wasn't a lesbian. But I'd end up deleting them if I felt to happy (a viscous cycle). The last 2 months of school, I was always worried about "what if this person found out I was a lesbian? how would they react?" then I'd feel scared, and shake it off saying "but I'm not so why am I scared?" My anxiety continually built up.

I got into Kendo (essentially, training to be a samurai with a bamboo sword) because I needed a physical activity. (apparently, gym and dance class wasn't enough) I liked it, and I wasn't worried about being gay, I was happy that I was able to do something with friends and learn a cool martial art! then one day, on the way home (my parents and a friends parents would take turns driving me and my friend home or to kendo) I randomly had the image of my friend naked with a dildo! I was disturbed! I had a hot flash come one and everything. I tried to act normal until I got home. From that time until now, I haven't been able to look her in the eye or even keep a conversation with her (i am literally trying my hardest to get rid of her) for fear that I will be attracted to her. I very much dislike how I feel sorta irritated arousal when she talks. she makes her voice all cute (like an Asian girl).


Thing is, when I was younger, I never thought of the things I did sexually as "Gay" i just liked the feeling of doing something sexual. My mom used to try to reassure me with "you were a kid, you were experimenting" when I know I wasn't, I liked the feeling. I also never masturbated after about grade 5, so some people tell me I may be sexually frustrated.

Right when I felt I was about to get over my fear of being gay, I saw an episode of Saving Hope, where the Ginger hair girl tells the other female nurse she's been battling something (I walked in on it so I didn't know what) but I felt a hot flash come one. At the end of the episode, the ginger doctor walks up to the female doctor and says "you're right...........I like girls........damn" then they start to make out and have lesbian sex. I felt like this is where my OCD and anxiety just EXPLODED. I couldn't get it out of my head for WEEKS! It kept building, and building and building. I was afraid to search up my feelings on Google because I didn't wanna come across the one post that said "you're just in denial, you're gay" But I actually cried with relief, I found a post about HOCD and it describe almost perfectly what I was going through. I felt better abit and couldn't wait to start getting better. But then more questions popped up. and they are still the same one I have as well as counters as well as facts I remembered.

Facts:
.You can't become gay, you either are or you aren't.
.Gay people know they are gay VERY early on (in which case, I knew I liked boys from the time I was little)
.Gay people are afraid of what other people will do if they come out, not being gay.
.they are sexually and romantically attracted to their own gender.

My fears right now though are:
Was I actually gay but had my sexuality repressed growing up to the point where I THOUGHT I was straight?
Am I turned on when I think sexually about a woman? What does it feel like to be repulsed? I think I may be, but I can't tell if I am trying to stop myself from feeling turned on.

I understand it's normal to have homoerotic thoughts sometimes. But I Don't want them, I don't want to get used to them. I am very afraid that if I give a girl a chance, I will fall in love with her. I feel like it would happen and I don't want it to. I don't like that it's even a possibility.

I think the thing that bothers me most is that when I try to say "I'm straight" I feel like I am upset with this answer, I try to say "I'm gay" I feel I accept it a little then I start going into panic mode again "that's not right! you want to be straight! you can't take comfort in it! you'll start to like girls!"

And then I think "Mom and dad are very accepting people, I'm not afraid that they'd reject me. I am afraid they'd accept me, and then I'd be okay looking for a girl"

Ultimately, i don't want the answer to be "accept that you are gay, or bi". I want to like guys, but I feel no attraction for them and I feel like even when I have the tiniest spark of feeling normal again, I feel like it all shoves me back down and says "No no no! I'm gay!" I can't even say "I'm straight" with out feeling worried.

I am a bit of a hypochondriac as well, so I if I read about an illness or something, I sorta think I have it. One of the things I read about HOCD for gay people is that they are afraid of being straight. Now I feel like my HOCD is making me feel afraid of being straight.

Someone please help. I am in a lot of pain right now. and I mean PAIN. My chest always hurts, I have headaches, my heart is always pounding and I LITERALLY CAN"T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!! I go to sleep thinking about it and I wake up thinking about it. I feel angry when I think back to when I was feeling 100% straight. Almost like I don't want to be. But I do. I can't find comfort an anything anymore.

I am taking setraline daily and cortisol at night... if that helps. I have lost so much wait from not eating. I am too scared to eat for fear my stomach will hurt more when I get an anxiety attack.

Please tell me my HOCD is making me think I don't want to be straight as a tactic to keep me upset?

I'm hurting so much.

Hi my name is sabrina im 16 and a female i have all these unwanted thought about me being being gay theres this vision of two girls as friends then they start kissing it doesn't arouse me but i check my lips if i smile,i dont but them i feel as if im holding it in so im always questioning my sexuality if im supposed to smile when i do smile it doesn't feel right .

Ive been having these thoughts for as long as i can remember at first i had visions og me kissing all my female friends which sickened me how could i think of such thoughts. I know im not a lesbian but when i was young i think i was abused by this women who used to do stuff to me. I then remember then going on to do disgusting things with my friends and other girls who were family friends i think i was 5/6 i used to touch there genitals and what not it makes me feel like im a bad person im still in contact with some of them but the topic has never come up.

Then when i was 9 or 8 my two best friends told me that they were doing disgusting things with each other i felt so left out so i joined them them im repulused at the things i did. However i have always liked guys even when doing those things at a young age. Now i cant get it off my mind before when i heard the word lesbian or homosexual i felt a shiver ip my spine and repulsed as i felt it was referring to me i went through a period where i hated myself as i had not started my period or developed any breast. So envied girls who had a chest. I would literally stare and be like how comes she has breast and not me.

They Would always be younger than me and had breasts. So at the age of 14/15 i researched that it could be because i was an hermophraodite i would cry all the time because i thought i was a man. I hate my voice noticed i had a moustache and saw that i had a v line which was supposed to be where my undeveloped penis was supposed to be. So i would stare at womens crotch are to compare it all stopped when i got my period but. My brain is always telling me im gay because i thought all those things and did all those things with girls.

I used to be so boy crazy but now i asses whether i was faking it or not. Ive never had an actual boyfriend but i have liked tonnes of guys. There was this time were i was obssesed with this girl in my class i literally wanted to be her and wanted her to like me in the friendly was no more than that. But my mind is telling me i liked her as i thought about the situation all the time. However i also disliked her at the same time would not want to be near her or wanter her to be near me. I am going through one of these again with this girl in my school i admire her so much like i would like t to be her. I envy her alot because when i revise really hard for an exam she always gets a better grade i also have a crush on this guy who i but my feeling aside because my brain is telling me your gay cos you like her but i dont.

I dont hate gay people i dont mind them but i dont want to be one i know im straight deep down but i cant let it go. This gets me on to sensations i feel in my lower area whenever i see or watch a girl. I hate watching porn i dont watch it but recently i watched all sorts straight porn i dont know gay porn im not sure but when i watched lesbian porn i felt physically sick. However this brings me on to the fact of whether i hide my smile which means i desire it or must mean thats what i want to do. Ive never had a lesbian dream that i was involved in i ha one but was about my old friend who mad me do things and this lesbian in my school.

I was thinking as long as it doesn't involve me. I also cant tell if im aroused. I get very frustrated when i go to malls and i feel very anxious or at least i think. Also in girls changing rooms i feel anxious i think i used to stare at girls who had boobs and envied them so much i was the only flat chested one. I guess i very depressed i struggle to eat and sleep and do my work as i feel it would trigger my thoughts the last thing i want to be told is that im gay because i know im not. Sometimes im really upset sometimes it doesn't bother me as much which would make me think hold on if your not bothered i must be gay. I occasionally smile when i see a girl who is pretty but i cant help it does that mean i gay.

I mean before i didnt now im question i must be attracted to them. I love my friends but i also question whether i like them more than friends. Ive kissed a boy and liked it i like male attention but lately ive been doubting myself. I dont understand attraction. If i smile does it mean im attracted to them cos i smile at most people. There was a time were i felt intimidated by this girl who claimed to be a lesbian i didn't want to be near her whatsoever. When i see lesbian i feel sick not to be rude but i feel the sense to point it out. I have also started to notice how awkward me eye contact is with other girls.

Before i wouldn't mind pointing a nice feature in a girl because i hate myself like a bun before i would say nice bum to my friends and just look at it. But now i feel so uncomfortable i dont know where to look. I am i supposed to e crying right now because im no but is that normal im disgusted at myself. As i just wanna be normal and forget what i did but i cant i cant forgive myself for what i did i feel terrible. I watch my every move i hate it when girls touch me. I hate it when they are near me i just panic i know im bot gay but my mind cant leave if.

What if im turing gay or something or just denying im gay. Before i used to hate the word gay and said if i used it then thats what i will become. I have a doctors appointment soon an im gonna tell them everything. Sometimes it kills me sometimes it doesn't. Ive hurt myself a couple of times but i would rather die than live a a lesbian lifestyle. Its gotten to the pint where the thoughts dont get a reaction as if i dont care. Does that make me gay??? I need some answers sorry about how long this is. Im also talking to this guy who i like but my mind is telling me that i should stop beacuse im a lesbian.

Man, so we've both gone through pretty similar things it sounds like.

As well as experiencing the same struggles.

I think what be both need to do, is eliminate our past experiences. Or rather, not add those past experiences into our current bout of questions. They really don't matter since we were so young.

Something I remember when I was wanting to be friends with people was I WANTED them to touch me, as in, If they poked me, hugged me, anything. I felt like this is a sign of friendship and trust. And as you have read, that's all I wanted. But I felt people were so repulsed by me that they didn't want to touch me. I went through a real ugly duckling stage from grade 7 to 9. I had dental surgery and braces, so my smile wasn't nice, I didn't wear make up and I didn't do my hair. One day, I decided "well, I'm not getting anywhere with my current, no make up, all natural look...guess I'll give into it, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" So I started to do my hair and wear make up (mostly on my eyes). Then SUDDENLY people wanted to be around me! I was so happy, but slightly off put that it took a change in my appearance to have this happen. I was noticed by guys more.

Something I always wanted to happen was have girls tell me I am pretty. I always felt that if a girl can tell me I am pretty, I must be super special. I don't know why I thought this was so important to me. I felt like it was an anime I guess, if the girls were looking at a really pretty girl in an anime and go "wow! she's so beautiful!" that meant they were jealous! No one was ever jealous of how I looked because I was ugly.

So I feel this is where we are similar. I am sorry you feel so bad about your body. I can relate on and off. Some days I say "I wish my boobs were bigger" or "I wish I had more weight on me, I'm so boney" and others I say "I like looking thin! Makes me look delicate and pretty!"

I am definitely in the same boat as you though with the "I have liked guys but I can't help but worry I will become a lesbian"

At this point, I find it hard to find guys attractive. I have practically gotten rid of all my female friends and only talk to my guy friends online. Which I know isn't helping me at all. But I feel so much better when I talk with them. There is one in particular who I talk to about my HOCD and I feel tons better. But I am worried I will start to only see guys as friends. and start to look for a girlfriend.

I feel like I have my genders mixed up.

As for your smiling thing, I can't relate because my face doesn't really react to thoughts, I go mostly on gut feeling or what I feel in my body. I will smile when I remember something funny. But that's about it. But everyone is different so I can't tell you what to do about that. If you feel your feelings show up in a smile, they may, if you feel your thoughts show up in a smile, that different.

Sorry if I ranted all over the place, I am very foggy right now because I have eaten very little.

Hi sorry for the late reply but lately things have gotten so worse its feels as if im actually starting to believe im a lesbian. I went doctors and they refered me to a psychiatrist which i am waiting an appointment on. I have to check more frequently i avoid eye contact with my friends and hate every single girl. The false memories are killing me to the point where i want to commit suicide. All my life i wanted to get martied and have children with a man of course but of couse the hocd is doubting everything. I hurts so bad everyday i want to cone home and cry, sometimes i just cant cos it hurts that bad i really nedd help and want to go back to the boy crazy sabrina that i used to be. Another thing this arousal feels so real and makes me think im a lesbian even more, i avoid watching tv and all sorts i didnt even go school today becuase i wanna be by myself, another wiered thing is that i googled what arousal was to make sure i wasnt being sexually aroused so i constantly have to check my nipples. I just hate myself to the point where i woukd easily trade places with someone

Another thing being last two years ago when i was 14 me and my friend went cinemas and we went toilet she said she hated the sound of people peeing sonshe made me put on the hand dryer while she peed everysince then i hate the sound of women peeing its aggeating like its definitely not arousal otherwise it would feel good but whenever i hear my mum or sister pee my stomach turns and i start to panic

Also my attraction to men has decreased as i shoukd have said before but the hocd starts to doubt that im just using it as an exuse, i hate being near my friends especially as i produce alot of vaginal muscus and i start associating it with them

Ive always been a worrier i use to worry that i was pregnant if my period didnt come and what not but that would be resolved by me having my oeriod however with this i dint know what can resolve it. Sometimes i think that becuase i have been desensitised to these unpleasant thoughts that i must be a lesbian. I have a tendency to cross my legs as i fear i will be aroused. If i gonto a new enviroment i start to panic and get axious but the doubt the anxiety i also find myself shivering alot when i am axious,

As i am only 16 the doctors said that they have inform my mum about it, so hes gonna have to tell ber that i fear being gay. I should hae never gone to the doctors my mum will tell everyone and everyone will think that im gay. I hate myself so much i just want these thoughts to stop. I would kill myself but i feel as if the thoughts would continue during my after life.

Another thing ive always practiced kissing so i would be ready to kiss a boy and last year my braid would change it to a girl that i hate, and would just brush it adide and now im freaking that it is evidence that i am infact a lesbian.

Ive always compared myself to others so when people feel butterflies near theeir crushed i start to freak as i only experience some, im actually more calm as i approach guys as friends then tend to like them which is a killer. I want to be so numb, i want to drink alcohol band forget everything but it only last so long

Is life even worth living i hit myself on my head when i have an intrusive thought as i need to be appraprately digusted by them, checking is not enough for me anymore. It does nothing.


The smiling thing i dont know its like i smile to be poly but then i start to think that i must like the person who has smiled at. The thoughts go on and on and on never stopping, i dont want to talk to anyone i wanna be by myself. I also cant stand the female voicr for again fear of being aroused buy then I actually start to think its actual arousal but i doesent feel right like it feels like anxiety.


I hate when females sit next to me or are anywhere near me instart to panic and get anxious. I have yo watch how boys look at an attractive girl then see if i looked at them in the same way.

The thoughts go on and on and my thoughts say how i cant hate girls, becuase im a lesbian
Its very distressing, i worry that if i dont or respond to the thoughts i must be a lesbian. Ive been having so many fake crushes that i would cry about it eould take anyone i admire for any particular reason and say i liked them. I fear words such as "women " and "girl" i also panic when i see one. I was baking one time and my thoughts were telling me that lesbian girls in my school bake and i had to stop baking. I just feel like killing myself as no one even cares about me. But if i have to live my life with a woman i would makesure i experience a slow and painfull death. Afain dont hate gay people just dont want be one myself.

Hello Sabrina.

I apologize for my late reply. I haven't been feeling that greatest (emotionally) this past week but I am much better than I was a week ago.

First off, we both know suicide isn't the answer.

Second, please try to avoid avoidance. This makes it 10x harder to get over when you do! I should know. I have graduated high-school and been out for almost a year now. I don't hang out with my friends anymore and only talk to guys on skype. I used to do kendo (a martial art) but quite that because I was so stressed about being around my friends. So I am jealous that you are still in school. Being around all those girls is a sort of exposure therapy.

Yes, the HOCD will make you doubt EVERYTHING about your life and create false sensations. I know it's very hard to stop thinking about as well. I am glad you went to see a doctor and are going to therapy now. I don't think you should worry about " people finding out you're gay." If your mom has a good head on her shoulders (which I am sure she does) She won't spread around you worry. The only people know that I am going through this are my mom, my dad and 2 friends.

Something I know that will be hard to do, but trust me it helps a lot; is when a thought pops up in your head, just say "ok". I freaked out a little bit when I first did because I was like "am I agreeing!?" No. HOCD is like one of those people who will never stop arguing with you until you just agree with them (even if you don't agree with them, you just say "ok." to get them to shut up. And you still stand where you are with your side of the argument....understand?)

Eventually you will become numb to the thoughts yes. There will still be anxiety when being around girls. But it goes away after awhile. I am in a different situation right now where I have found out I have a few other mental disorders and illnesses; so it's a little harder for me to get over it.

But I believe you will be able to over come this by leaps and bounds.

The fact that you said "I know I am a worrier." like worrying over your period or being pregnant, that's normal. If you suffer from constant anxiety about trivial things or are unable to resolve these worries, even after having factual information to debunk your worries, I'd say that's OCD. And if you start to see your mobility decrease (as in, become so anxious you become depressed) I suggest to start taking meds. It's stops that "circle" effect in out minds.

If you believe in God, I suggest you pray as well. I will be praying for you as well.

I believe you can get over this Sabrina!

God Bless!

-Forgetful

Thank yoso much for replying i just dont know myself anymore ive been praying for a long time and go to church every sunday now, im just so scared that i will infact end up being a leabian and having to live my life which a woman which i would truly hate. It doesent help im contantly putting myself into scenrios involving girls and i feel like im being aroused when i know its not. You are such a kind person and i will also pray for you so we can both get through this.

Im scared that my attraction gor men will never come back, right now i cant look at women otherwise i freak out. Ive never been so scared in my life. I just want to be normal back to the old sabrina eho nothing got in her way

Whats become even worse is the fact that the false memomories are killing me telling me i did certain things when i didnt

Another thing i use to think being a tom boy was trendy so i was a pretend tomboy and had guy friends in which the hocd uses as evidence, i had a male best friend in year 7 but i had a crush on him at the start but i stopped liking him. We remainded good friends but my mind tells me thats why im a lesbian i hate watching tv especially those adverts involving women, its as if my mind forces me to see them in a sensual sexual way.

I dont think i could ever forgie myself for those acts i performed as a child, i hate myself so much, if only i wasnt abused, then none of this would have happened, but i can only blane myself


Enough of me rambling on how are you getting on
Can i just say that i cannont do me work as i feel hopeless i also dont want those thoughts to haunt me when i am most vulnerable which i when recising my exams are in aprx 2 months and i have done nothing
I pray we can both get better (even saying this thoughts that im a lesbian as i am being nice to you) god will help both of us through
Thnx for your support

Can i just add weird thing i still experences crushes on boys, im assesig whether i was aroused by naked womens, i dont think i am as my mum was naked all around the house, i would look and feel nothing, but im dobting myslef, as if i know what arousal was i would kmow that i was getting aroused. I cant look at my mum anymore. Also in changing rooms i would feel nothing all i would do was compare myself to other girls
Im now really scared, me and my sister would see each other naked and not feel a thing but ever since i moved out of the room cos we had a huge argument i think the ocd started, i even saw a picture of my naked sister and never felt a thing. It realky feels as if im turning lesbian, i need reasurance as ive read every post on hocd as im that obsessed but i cant stop checking.

I know this obsessie but i have to read the post over again to get some peace as i am seriously scared

I too liked when girls called me pretty or looked nice as it made me feel above them. I would always smile, if another fellow girl called me pretty becuase i have a low self self asteem, people also found me annoying as i was the clasd clown and tried to make everyone happy. But its been blown out of proportion. i now always cry on my way to school as i have to asses anything posibnly lesbian that i did. Ive always seem myself to get along with people escpecially girls, but then i think it must because im a lesbian, i truly love and adore my friends but, i think it must be because im a lesbian. I look at guys an feel blank and wonder ehen the old sabrina will return, i also often dream or day dream about being another girl who is much prettier and better than me due to my self esteem, i would dream how all the boys would be after me and want to go out with me. And that if i was them them i would get more attention, but i never thought about this until now, is this a normal thing to do. Also can i add that a lesbian wouldnt want to have a period like i did, or dream of having big breast, i have to wear a push up bra otherwise i have nothing. And it kills me everytime a boy invites me over i think that hes gonna laugh at me small breast so i dont go.
I also had to pray for my period and breast so bad, beacuse everyone had breast, my younger sister had breast before me, and started her period before me i burst out i to tears when i found out she had started her period i was shattered
Also i wanted boys to like me and to touch me inappropriately before hocd, again i have no boobs literally nothing and this boy told me when am i going to start puberty, i burst out into tears and wanted to cry my ears out, i didnt want boy's especially to know that i didnt have breast or start puberty i was crushed, anytime my friends brought up the topic of breast i would have to talk about my mums, i had none, anyone who had boobs i hated especially younger than me, then I realised god gives you not what you want but what you need, i got fimally got my period and was happy that i was going to be able to have children, i told my friend and she congratulated me. I was so happy.


Then hocd struck, i would cry and cry and cry and ask god to forgive me for te acts i did when i was younger, i truly feared being gay, i didnt want to eat and contantly tested myself, i wast turned on, but it wasnt enough, I couldn't sit next to any pretty girls incase i was attracted to them,

I cannot add this enough but i have always loved guys had crushed on them, i would always come home and talk to my sister about my crush about how we would be in a relationship and have children. Whenever they had a girlfriend i would be crushed and would hate the girl and envy her, if i saw my crush do anything with another girl i would be jealous(do i sound like a lesbian) i remember i had a boyfriend in year 6 when i was 10 years old and we had been going out for two years will my friends had made me do digusting things with them. But i cried when we broke up i cried on the way to school, on my way back i cried for like a week non stop. Never had a real boyfriend. Talked to alot of guys who woukd have loved to meet up, but i was scared that they were going to judge me and be completely unlike what they expected, but its also dangerous to meet up with people online so.

Another thing is that my hocd attacks the fact that i dont have a type, im not very picky over guys, whereas my friends do, but i do tend to like black guys or mixed raced guys, i was envious of another girl i would stare at them and just compare how ungly i am to them, whenever i saw them looking so much prettier than myself.
I also love it when bous check me out but then i doubt thats becuae your a lesbian and they cant have you. Sometimes i cry. Weird thoughts like im the pretty one compare to my sister but the lesbian and then i cry a its not true.

I too was exposed to porn at an early age when i was around 6/7 my cousin from holland made me and my sister watch a porn movie which involved teo girls and a guy whi had a threesome. She took us to another room and told me and my sister had to do what the two girls had done in the video. I dint even remember what i fone all i remeber is her covering us with the blanket. I remeber my bad friend who told me that when she saw people kissing it made her tingle, i ha not started puberty yet so i didnt feel anything so i lied and said i felt the same thing i just didnt want her to hate me. I only learned about masturbation when i was 15 which is good as i didnt do it as a child, i had accidentally found a phone with a video of a women doing something to her vagina.

I was also a very sporty girl played all sports in which i attacked for doing, did most of it brcuase i was in love with this boy in my class called christopher my friend went out with him and i freaked, hated her wanted to kill her, but was a good friend
My first crush was a boy i still remember him
I always thought i was a privilege to talk to the older popolar girls in my primary school beacuse they were just so cool, one even considered me to be her daughter i was so happy, until my friends made me do digusting things with them, i think they made me look up lesbians because i had no clue what we were doing i dont think it turned me on but i was scared i was gonna get caught.
I also played families with this boy who we kissed all the time under the blanket im older than him this was when i was 5,
I remember humping my doll i have no idea why, and i would kiss it, i feel so bad for all i did as a child but i acnt possibly be a lesbian if i liked boys never any girls. I need reassurance constantly otherwise i freak out i feel as if im carrying a tonne of bricks my stomach sinks.

-- Sat Mar 07, 2015 6:09 pm --

I know this obsessie but i have to read the post over again to get some peace as i am seriously scared

I too liked when girls called me pretty or looked nice as it made me feel above them. I would always smile, if another fellow girl called me pretty becuase i have a low self self asteem, people also found me annoying as i was the clasd clown and tried to make everyone happy. But its been blown out of proportion. i now always cry on my way to school as i have to asses anything posibnly lesbian that i did. Ive always seem myself to get along with people escpecially girls, but then i think it must because im a lesbian, i truly love and adore my friends but, i think it must be because im a lesbian. I look at guys an feel blank and wonder ehen the old sabrina will return, i also often dream or day dream about being another girl who is much prettier and better than me due to my self esteem, i would dream how all the boys would be after me and want to go out with me. And that if i was them them i would get more attention, but i never thought about this until now, is this a normal thing to do. Also can i add that a lesbian wouldnt want to have a period like i did, or dream of having big breast, i have to wear a push up bra otherwise i have nothing. And it kills me everytime a boy invites me over i think that hes gonna laugh at me small breast so i dont go.
I also had to pray for my period and breast so bad, beacuse everyone had breast, my younger sister had breast before me, and started her period before me i burst out i to tears when i found out she had started her period i was shattered
Also i wanted boys to like me and to touch me inappropriately before hocd, again i have no boobs literally nothing and this boy told me when am i going to start puberty, i burst out into tears and wanted to cry my ears out, i didnt want boy's especially to know that i didnt have breast or start puberty i was crushed, anytime my friends brought up the topic of breast i would have to talk about my mums, i had none, anyone who had boobs i hated especially younger than me, then I realised god gives you not what you want but what you need, i got fimally got my period and was happy that i was going to be able to have children, i told my friend and she congratulated me. I was so happy.


Then hocd struck, i would cry and cry and cry and ask god to forgive me for te acts i did when i was younger, i truly feared being gay, i didnt want to eat and contantly tested myself, i wast turned on, but it wasnt enough, I couldn't sit next to any pretty girls incase i was attracted to them,

I cannot add this enough but i have always loved guys had crushed on them, i would always come home and talk to my sister about my crush about how we would be in a relationship and have children. Whenever they had a girlfriend i would be crushed and would hate the girl and envy her, if i saw my crush do anything with another girl i would be jealous(do i sound like a lesbian) i remember i had a boyfriend in year 6 when i was 10 years old and we had been going out for two years will my friends had made me do digusting things with them. But i cried when we broke up i cried on the way to school, on my way back i cried for like a week non stop. Never had a real boyfriend. Talked to alot of guys who woukd have loved to meet up, but i was scared that they were going to judge me and be completely unlike what they expected, but its also dangerous to meet up with people online so.

Another thing is that my hocd attacks the fact that i dont have a type, im not very picky over guys, whereas my friends do, but i do tend to like black guys or mixed raced guys, i was envious of another girl i would stare at them and just compare how ungly i am to them, whenever i saw them looking so much prettier than myself.
I also love it when bous check me out but then i doubt thats becuae your a lesbian and they cant have you. Sometimes i cry. Weird thoughts like im the pretty one compare to my sister but the lesbian and then i cry a its not true.

I too was exposed to porn at an early age when i was around 6/7 my cousin from holland made me and my sister watch a porn movie which involved teo girls and a guy whi had a threesome. She took us to another room and told me and my sister had to do what the two girls had done in the video. I dint even remember what i fone all i remeber is her covering us with the blanket. I remeber my bad friend who told me that when she saw people kissing it made her tingle, i ha not started puberty yet so i didnt feel anything so i lied and said i felt the same thing i just didnt want her to hate me. I only learned about masturbation when i was 15 which is good as i didnt do it as a child, i had accidentally found a phone with a video of a women doing something to her vagina.

I was also a very sporty girl played all sports in which i attacked for doing, did most of it brcuase i was in love with this boy in my class called christopher my friend went out with him and i freaked, hated her wanted to kill her, but was a good friend
My first crush was a boy i still remember him
I always thought i was a privilege to talk to the older popolar girls in my primary school beacuse they were just so cool, one even considered me to be her daughter i was so happy, until my friends made me do digusting things with them, i think they made me look up lesbians because i had no clue what we were doing i dont think it turned me on but i was scared i was gonna get caught.
I also played families with this boy who we kissed all the time under the blanket im older than him this was when i was 5,
I remember humping my doll i have no idea why, and i would kiss it, i feel so bad for all i did as a child but i acnt possibly be a lesbian if i liked boys never any girls. I need reassurance constantly otherwise i freak out i feel as if im carrying a tonne of bricks my stomach sinks.

Hello Sabrina.

To reiterate:

Everything you are going through is exactly HOCD. and you NEED to remember some of the things I've told you.

1. OCD fights back with the same amount of power, if not more. So fighting is not going to help, you'll just become more and more tired.

2. Just say "ok." we both know you aren't gay but the HOCD will not leave you alone until you agree. It's okay to lie and say "ok." because YOU know you're not.

3. Stop checking. The chemicals in your brain are mixed up right now so any kind of anxiety will feel like arousal.

4. Continue to be around girls.

I know it is INCREDIBLY difficult to do these things but it's the first steps towards getting better.
Your attraction for boys will come back. The HOCD just wants you to say "yes" right now. So do it. It will leave you alone afterwards.

Something I learn recently that I want to bring to your attention and help you is:

. It's ok to think a girl is pretty.
. homosexual thoughts are normal (everyone has them)

I really hope you are able to get some meds to help sort out your emotions. What I read about OCD and anxiety is that the cell tower that controls our chemicals in our brain (gonna be using metaphors because I am terrible with remembering biology terms) is kinda malfunctioned. We need the meds to fix it. sorta like a repair man that comes in and makes an upgrade to an old cell tower.

And don't worry. I am some what worried about the whole "being nice to you" thing as well. But It goes away because I am happy to help.

Some things that I have been doing recently that have helped relieve stress that I hope you can do as well are:

Eating bigger, healthier meals
talk with people about how I feel
Watch documentaries about mental and physical health (like 'Child of Rage' and 'Born Schizophrenic')
Going on long, fast paced walks with my mom
Praying
seeing a counselor
taking the meds prescribed by my doctor

the #1 thing is to never cut off contact with what you are fearing. I failed in this miserably.

I hope I have been able to help some. Please, while you are in hysterics; remember some of the things I have said. Crying is 100% ok, it releases a lot more stress, but so does talking about it)

Please take care (eat and sleep well, this is a major contributor to anxiety, especially lack of sleep)

God Bless!

-Forgetfull

I dont think i could talk to anyone, but i have taken the adivice of facing the feared people i had a group chat with my friends which included my friends, i also force myslef to watch tv,

Today i forced myself to think of women, it felt wrong and my heart and chest ached, in scared this is arousal. As it doesent feel right

Im going church to pray as i need god to hlep me alot, im trying to say its okay to be gay and it hits me with a fake crush all i saw is i like her but as a friend nothing more. Any girls name that i bring up in my head, i just let it pass as normally i would cry and tell it to go away. But now im much calmer. If anyone brings up lesbian i spike and just think of myself. I look a girls pictures to force myself to get comfortable with them i still feel anxious, but i feel its decreasing. I was talking to my friend whose a girl, for a long time and i felt nothing but i was still scared i was gonna be aroused. I am much more happier occasionally, apart this morning as a cried becuse i was scared i was aroused by the thoughts of women.

We should hopefully get through this
Sabrina

Can i ask if your hocd is getting better, or getting worse due to your illnesses