HOCD & ROCD + More My Story

Hello all,

This will be a long post. I am a 22 year old male that has always suffered with Anxiety. Most of my life I sort of thought everyone felt the way I did, had fears, and intense feelings of anxiety. I was pretty sheltered up until highschool going to an private school. I was always mischievous, usually getting in trouble for talking to much or being the class clown (which I now think has something to do with me making people laugh and being silly to help me feel welcome) Well highschool I went to public school didnt fit in befriended the biggest baddest people I could that always watched my back and I started smoking pot which I did heavily until 10th-11th grade when I developed extreme paranoia when smoking. (Thoughts that people where trying to kill me) I then switched to cigarette smoking to help me relax and pretty heavy drinking, would drink alot at school and on the weekends. I never really had the whole boyfriend girlfriend things because I was to busy getting high and hanging with friends. I liked and had crushes on many girls and had many girls into me but I never knew how to "hook up" or transition from friends to more than friends. I had a gf for about 2 months in 10th grade but we just kissed a few times it was a terrible relationship because I didnt know how to be a bf and I was always just drinking. 11th grade I fell for a girl we where brought together by a tragic incident and comforted eachother which then turned into more, I felt such strong feelings for her again didnt do anything sexual just making out and kissing. Well that ended went she had to move out of state and that was really the end of it.

(ending the first paragraph randomly because it looks like an eye sore )

Anyways partied alot between 11-12 grade hooked up with a few girls but again not going past making out. Then senior year I met a girl who was new and I thought she was the prettiest thing. My first long term relationship. First girl I had sex with and I was hers. I loved having sex, never had a problem getting turned on by her. We dated and had a sexual relationship for about 3 and a half years when we broke up and I found out she had been cheating (the last year or so of our relationship had been tough I should have known she checked out along time ago by how she treated me at times)

I cant say I was the best as sex (not gonna lie I typically didnt last all that long but I always did my best to take care of her) Again always had major social anxiety which I covered with drinking and I think that/my low self confidence really played a roll in my sexual performance. Then there was about 5 months of desperatism. Tried getting with girls that really werent my type. Had sex with a random neighbor girl (it was terrible I couldnt keep an erection) but without sounding to much of an ass my ex had been way more sexually attractive to me so I feel that was the reasoning plus I feel like having an emotional attachment makes for a much stronger sexual connection. Another month or so passes and I get really drunk with a girl from work as she is about to leave she comes on to me. We had sex forever I couldnt finish because of the alcohol but I remember her being wild and I loved it. That is pretty much my whole sexual history.

I then got with another girl nothing like my first this girl was a "good girl" didnt drink or smoke taught at sunday school and was a virgin. I tried changing my ways of drinking and smoking and thats when this all began it was december of 2013 when I experienced my first panic attack I literally thought I was dying didnt know what it was. I was fearful for weeks went to the doctor and they ran tests couldnt find it then told me it was stress related. Me and my gf didnt have vaginal sex but we did fool around and had oral. I cant remember my first intrusive thought but I believe it was something like this. I worked in a place where it was just me and a buddy selling things in a showroom. I was busy with work I didnt socialize at all and my anxiety was at an all time high. We had a ton of gay people come into my work and most of them I could sort of tell. However, there was a couple that where really cool and tough dudes. (Please dont take offence I dont mean gay people cant be tough and cool) but it got me thinking man I thought gay people where usually flamboyant and these guys seemed like someone I would think is strait they even reminded me of me with how they acted. I think that is when it clicked to me and the HOCD began. Gay people never bugged or made me uncomfortable before. I come from a family where my dad wasnt a huge fan and voiced his opinion as a kid but when I went to my first job I had some gay managers and one became a good friend we would hang after work and drink he knew his boundaries and all was well.

After the initial click the next months where hell on earth. I couldnt eat much the thoughts where so strong if I ate I would throw up and gag. I couldnt go to work at times or leave bed. Couldnt talk to people hang with any guy friends. I stopped watching my favorite show because it had a gay guy in it and I kept seeing gay things making me think it was a sign. I had constant thoughts of kissing every guy old new young it didnt matter. I had so many panic attacks and felt like I was going crazy. I kept alot of it from my gf. Then we where fooling around one day and I lost my erection I just assume it was because we werent having real sex and I had had real sex so it wasnt the same. She freaked made me feel bad and felt terrible about herself. Shortly after I told her about my thoughts she was actually very understanding and wanted to help any ways she could. Somewhere in the mix my ocd bounced from hocd to other sexual thoughts with my parents and even thoughts toward a friends child. It sickened me I felt like a terrible disgusting person. I had never ever experienced anything like this. I also lost pretty much all attraction to my gf I would judge her and find flaws in her physically. She had bad teeth and when I looked at her thats all I saw. Which made me feel even more terrible because she was so good to me and I always told myself there is more to life than just looks.

Well we broke up, one day I ended it out of nowhere I couldnt do it anymore I didnt feel love I didnt know what to do if I would ever be better and I couldnt lie to her and drag her along anymore. She was sad and so was I but we both knew it had to be done. I had tried journaling, exercise, and saw a therapist for a little over a month but it did nothing. Fast forward 5-6 months and here I am today.
Every day I question my sexuality I see guys and at moment think intrusive thoughts. I have not been with a woman since my ex and havnt had vaginal sex in I want to say almost 2 years now. I have no libido at all. I recently stopped looking at porn to see if that helps but so far I dont know. I tell myself if im gay thats fine but it doesnt sit right and I always have to question myself and my past. Im not very strong I have major anxiety and fears. I constantly make sure I dont do anytihng that might be perceived as gay. Its awful my heart goes out to anyone going through this because nobody else can understand the gravity of it all. Anyways went to a new doctor my parents have been going to for years and told him I want to see an ocd specialist he doesnt think i have ocd but I explained pure-o and he listened a bit. He told me based off the fact that it happens so often and has gone on for so long I should try medication. I come from a family against medication and they will not be happy. I wanted to fight this naturally but I truly am at my whits end and the quality of life for me is so bad now. Noone sees it externally of course but internally I feel it taking a toll on me every day. I also hope it will help with my general/social anxiety. I told him I dont want anything highly addictive or that will make me feel like a zombie and he promised. So I am having some blood work done and will go back in a month to talk/get my prescription. I have heard of cbt and am thinking of trying that as well.

Any words, advice, pointers are greatly appreciated thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this

I know this is a bit weird to try to give you advice since you are a guy but I think HOCD and OCD effects both genders the same.

I think meds would help greatly. I started setraline a bit ago, and we are currently working on finding my dosage (started on 25g then 50g now 75g, eventually 100g if I have to)

It's strange because I gave a pep talk to one of my church adult friend. I'm 19, he's ...idk married in his 40's? idk. He invited me out for coffee one day because he said I stick out in his mind (remember we are Christian so non of this is sexual) we both have high anxiety. So he said he wants to help me.

He is afraid to take meds because he dad became addicted to a lot of meds (his dad was a doctor and in a bad marriage) He's afraid that if he takes meds, he'll be addicted and unable to function with out them.

I explained to him "people like us were born puzzles with a missing piece. there is no shame in taking meds because thats our missing piece. we need it."

If you can give your family that analogy and maybe tell them to do some research on OCD, they'd understand.

When I first told my mom about my HOCD, she said "I am sorry, I don't understand." but in a very sympathetic way like "I wish I could tell you I understand through my experience as an adult" Because everything I go through she usually can relate. except when I would tell her that I can't get something off my mind. both my parents always tell me "you need to let it go" When in reality, I can't. Because of the OCD.

I think you should take both meds and continual see a mental health specialist (whether that be a councilor, therapist or physiologist) These things take awhile to heal and to give up after a month is not enough time for it to start working.