SOCIAL MEDIA MAKING TRIGGERING MY ANXIETY!!!! PLEASE HELP!!

I was never professionally diagnosed with OCD, but I believe I have it. When I was younger I would have thoughts like "what if I jump off the balcony?" or "What if I'm gay?" even though I know I'm not gay, but it's like my OCD can make me question EVERYTHING! The things I thought I was so sure of get turned into self-doubt I can make myself believe anything negative that is the opposite to who I am. I even got a thought one time that was like "You're a potential child killer" because I had just got done watching this special on children who were murdered and the thought brought me so much fear! I noticed I am never sure of my beauty of what I look like, where I stand. I can make myself think i'm hideous or beautiful. I can trick myself into thinking I look like certain people and then later look back on it like "i don't look like that person, what the hell was I thinking?" and it's like I see similarities in myself with people both attractive and unattractive and when I tell my friends I think I look like that person they say i'm delusional, but I also think it's because ocd makes me question everything and makes me see the flipside to everything. I get very intimidated by women who are considered attractive even if I think that woman isn't all that, the fact that other people perceive her as super beautiful I start to see her beauty just because other people see it even though I don't originally see it in the beginning. I question everything and social media is making my anxiety flare. I noticed most of my obsessions are based around what I look like. I want to change that.... I hate being this way.

It's like if I say I like red, my mind will say "you like blue" or if I like blue my mind will say "you like red" it's always the opposite of who I am, then I get so lost into thinking those thoughts might be true I start to forget my original beliefs about myself. It's like I'm looking at a photo very, very close up, like i'm zoomed into the picture so much that I lose the forest for the trees, if you get what I mean, I get so lost in details that I lose the whole picture of things. On social media with girls who I usually think I look better than if I see they are getting a lot of likes I will start to think they automatically look better and are better than me because if they weren't they wouldn't be getting that many likes. The obsession usually starts off with me seeing a girl on social media..... I'll ask myself "Is she prettier than me?" (sorry if it sounds vain and conceited.... I see this thinking as a problem and I don't like it so I want to get help) then I take her picture and mine and compare them, and look at them back to back to examine her best features and compare them against mine, in the end I always wind up thinking they are better/prettier. It's like I intellectually break down her beauty into pieces so I can then analyze and examine them against mine. I always give the other person the upper hand and never myself. I HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM HOW DO I STOP THIS????? If I upload a photos that receives very little amount of likes I feel like other are laughing and are happy that I failed and it raises their self esteem and this makes them better and in the end this proves that I am a loser! I am a perfectionist and I hate it, how do I stop these thoughts and being like this?

The "What ifs" indicate OCD, but it may just be anxiety. The whole things may be anxiety, or anxiety and depression (spurred on by self esteem issues). Only a professional can diagnose you, and since you really seem to be in the thick of things, I would look into seeing one. But you certainly have some sort of anx issues.

Otter.

Definitely what Otter said, search for help, you shouldn't have to cope with all this frustration and anxiety on your own.

As far as my comments on the individual aspects of your post:

The intrusive thoughts are more normal than you think. At first when my temporary foster mother told me that she had them too but just went on with life afterwards, I thought "ok, one functioning person, but that's still not normal." Then a few years later, my psychiatrist told me that he had them too, but that they're just random mind spurs and the fact that they are intrusive and unwanted alone already means that they don't reflect who you are. Then later still, I was browsing on Tumblr, and came across a post on the subject that had 386,102 notes. I'll link you to it here. That, in combination with those two other healthy people that had already told me it was normal, was enough for me to assume the intrusive thoughts are indeed a normal occurrence.

What differentiates us from the healthy individuals that experience this, is that we tend to take these thoughts seriously. I personally think that this is due to a sort of interplay between our creativity/flexibility (keeping all options open, trying to imagine why one would think something) and on the other side, our need for an answer, structure, something definite to rely on, which causes anxiety when these two aspects collide and you end up with insecurity. If this mixes with someone's liability to try 'controlling things' or shaping the illusion of control, through actions/trying to control these thoughts/infinitely analyse in search for an answer that doesn't objectively exist, it turns into OCD.

Key when living with these intrusive thoughts, is to not take them seriously. Put on a careless attitude regarding this, whether you actually have one or not. Focus on doing things for now. If you do look around, only try glancing at it from the surface. If you do think something, let it pass, let it flow. Whether it's authentic or not, you can build that later with professional help. The most important thing is that you can live, and experience life. Do the things you want to do. If you think too much, you kind of lock yourself into a spiral that shuts you off from the world. The spiral will be endless if you give into it, with some temporary halts at most, but never permanent if you keep thinking.

About the low self esteem. Personally, I don't have low self esteem. I recognize when I think someone is very very pretty. I never compare myself really. I know I have scars all over my knees and a very boyish figure. I don't care. I wouldn't want to trade with any supermodel. Not because I think I'm prettier. Just because I wouldn't be me otherwise. It's the authenticity thing. I used to have a boyfriend that was like "you should enlarge your breasts, blablabla." But I'm really glad I never did :b You know, I was really insecure back then, and I took his statements seriously. Then my sister saved me (like the true hero she is :]), anyone but she actually looked down on me for even considering it. I built up my confidence, not really consciously but more through becoming self-aware. When you have an identity, whatever it is, you don't want to lose it. Now I wouldn't ever want to change those aspects of me.

I don't know how a method like that (becoming more self-aware) would work out for you. I think it could be very good, but this particular subject could have a high risk of overthinking and analysing for you. It would be best to seek a psychologist for guidance on this matter. They also usually have templates and stuff to fill in to become more self-aware.

There's a few things I think I know about you already now though :]

- You have a creative mind, thinking very randomly and using figurative speech at some points
- You are very open-minded, and have the ability to imagine things from different perspectives. It's the closest to objectivity anyone will ever come :b
- You are very analytic

Also, regarding social media, don't take that too seriously either. The amount of likes and comments and stuff aren't just dependent on the beauty of the person in the photo. I can list several things from the top of my head:

- Quality of the photo (natural light, camera, composition)
- Amount of friends
- Whether the person in the picture is socially skilful
- Amount of fame or popularity
- Likeliness of friends to engage in 'following sheep'-behaviour/their own individual strength of opinion
- Potential status gained by those people who 'like' the photo
- To assure the person in the photo that they are still friends with them
- The person's skill in using what he/she has been naturally given to draw out his/her best potential
- The person's attitude (people tend to like people who look confident in their photos easier)

Honestly though, these factors only say something about people's ability to like something. Beauty is and always will be, subjective. For now, for someone as open-minded as you are, it's probably better not to deeply analyse any subjective things. But it could be good to build up some confidence through objective self-awareness.

Good luck! And certainly try finding some professional support :]