Do I deserve to die for what I did (OCD)

A couple years ago I suffered from pedophile OCD,I constantly worried about whether I was attracted to children and I couldn't figure it out. One day I couldn't cope with not knowing and I wanted to find out for sure whether I was a pedo or not, and in the heat of the moment I thought the only way to know would be to watch child porn. I went to my laptop and typed the words "child porn" into google, and I clicked on various links for around 10 minutes but I never found any child porn and eventually I stopped looking because the thought of watching children being abused distressed me and made me cry. I never wanted to see child porn I just felt desperate to get rid of my OCD and thought it would be the only way, like a reassurance thing.

I realised afterwards that if I'd watched child porn it would have been contributing to the abuse of a child, and I felt sick with guilt about it. Luckily I didn't find or view any child porn, but what if I had? I would have closed the browser straight away and never looked again, but it still would have been contributing to child abuse and I can't forgive myself for that. I also worry what other people would think. I told my friend about it and she told me that she considered reporting me to the police and told me not to work with children (I wanted to be a children's nurse). I am completely paralysed by guilt over this, I just want to die but I can't because it would hurt my family. I view myself as a sex offender and believe I belong in jail, in fact I might go and confess to the police to see if they will arrest me. All I've ever wanted to do is help other people, and now I can't even look at a child without feeling sick from guilt. Am I right to feel this amount of guilt? Or is it my OCD making me feel guilty? Please help.

HI

I'm sorry for your suffering. There are few things I would like to say.

Please do not heed the words of your friend who, probably doesn't understand why things transpired in the manner they did. They probably don't understand OCD or severe anxiety. Legally, you didn't do anything wrong anyway, so their comment about reporting you to the police is without substance.

A lot of people with OCD do "checking". For instance, someone with HOCD might watch gay porn to see how they are affected by it. I think you know what I mean. Checking is not good. For someone with POCD it's a bit more tricky. Checking by seeking out CP (child pornography) is problematic because it can land you in trouble.

You took ONE STEP in the wrong direction. That does not make you all of the bad things you are thinking about yourself. You are not a danger to children. As far as a I can tell you seemed to have symptoms of POCD (and may still have), which has nothing to do with a desire to harm children.

I think you need to stop listening to your friends and see a professional. Get passed this. If it helps at this time, make a commitment to help others, donate money to children's charity.

But POCD has nothing to do with how you feel about children. It is fear, pure and - not so simple.

You're going to be ok. You just need to start healing with the support of others, who can tell you what is really going on.

Otter.

Hi, sorry to hear you're having such a rough time at the minute. Otter is right, please don't take any notice of what your friend said. They have no knowledge of how OCD works and the in's and out's of this horrible horrible disease. You made a mistake, one which your OCD led you to make. You don't deserve this pain. From reading your post you're compassionate and caring and a pedophile wouldn't be going through the emotional turmoil you're putting yourself through.

As Otter said, heal yourself with the help of others and go see your doctor. Take care and good luck.