HOCD- need help!

About a year ago, I was alone in my room, smoking some pot and listening to music. I went downstairs to make a snack and as I was making it something popped into my head. Whatever it was, I have no idea. But I remember looking up and staring at my reflection in the microwave and saying in my head, "You're gay". FOR NO REASON. It freaked me out and I went upstairs, smoked more pot, watched some porn and thought about it for the rest of the night. Over the next six months it stayed in my head but I didn't always believe it. I wasn't a player or anything but I was still hooking up with girls and had a good time with them and stuff. My porn intake increased over this time. So did my smoking pot. I was a waiter and over the course of 3 months on two separate occasions I had two gay men ask me if I was gay because they thought I was so polite and good looking. I politely told them no I'm not and told my friends about it and we laughed it off. But those 2 memories always stuck in my head. Then I moved to Chicago because I got recruited for a job and I was right out of college and would be living on my own. I've been up here for 5 months now and I've spent the past 5 months dealing with depression, anxiety, rumination and now what I discovered to be classified as HOCD. I started seeing a therapist to discuss the death of my sister 7 years ago and then I told him about my fear of being gay and he completely understood and with confidence told me it's not homosexuality I'm dealing with it's Pure-O OCD and everytime we talk I understand more and more and become more confident that he's right.

But then I go home. To my empty apartment. And I think. And I think. And I think. And the intrusive thoughts are coming in stronger and stronger and more frequently to the point where I hardly am ever able to think about girls anymore. I sleep in late, go to bed at like 4 or 5 a.m., get panic attacks and do all that. And I have all the symptoms of HOCD. The anxiety, the physical checking for any sensations, avoidance behavior. EVerything.

But since this has been going on for a year and the anxiety and depression started 5 months ago, I'm so exhausted from fighting it and never being able to be at peace, I feel I'm on the verge of just collapsing and saying alright ###$ it I must be gay so let's start being gay may. Right now it feels more like a choice which wouldn't make me gay but I can't focus my mind anywhere else other than, "Am I?" or "What if?" and then I get a panic attack.

Any advice people?

Hi 2hm. Welcome to the forum I hope you can get some help and support here. And please post in other people's threads too. It helps them to feel the same support. And it can be a good way to reflect on your own experiences. Which can be valuable in itself. [I find this a lot.]

I split out your post because it might get overlooked in the main info thread. Hope that makes sense

First I want to start by saying me and you have very much in common. I too was an avid pot smoker for 2 years. I am a 20 year old male turning 21 in May. My whole life I've been sexually and romantically attracted to women. I watched straight porn growing up, crushed on girls, my high school teacher, got girls all throughout puberty. I went to an all guys high school and never once for a slight second thought about being gay or being sexually attracted to men. I've had sex with 12 girls, have had a girlfriend for the last 2 years. That first thought hit me when I reached rock bottom with my porn addiction. I noticed weaker erections to porn and real life encounters. Something flipped and that thought of what if I'm gay came into my head. Combine that with weed and porn for the next two years it was a receipt for disaster. Your not alone when it comes to this. It is HOCD. What I do recommend you to do and what I'm doing is STAYING AWAY FROM PORN. This is a MUST. Porn warps everything. It will make your anxiety and HOCD much much worse. I was addicted to porn and it has caused chemical changes in my brain. It is a know fact now that porn leads to addiction which leads to changes in the brain similar to those of drug addicts. If you want more info on that visit yourbrainonporn.com . Once again stay away from porn and weed. Weed only makes you more paranoid and anxious and does you no good. I'm porn free for 2 weeks now and weed free for 2 months.