desperate for help, hocd for 11 years

I'm a 27 year old female and before i was 17 i was very love with boys. I liked a lot of guys and liking them made me happy. In 2004 after seeing something about a lesbian i out of nowhere started worrying if i'm a lesbian and atracted to girls. I have not been the same ever since. I haven't done anything since graduating, i avoid being around people have really bad social phobia now, i'm afraid to look at other girls, i have just been wasting my life since. I'm always sad and afraid and tortured by thoughts, i'm afraid to watch movies in fear i'll be attracted to the girls, i use to always go out and look for cute guys to looks at and see if they liked me now all i notice is girls i get really bad groinal responses, i get thoughts saying i enjoy the thoughts. I just cry all the time and i think how other girls don't know how lucky they are not to have this mental torture. I tried therapy but because of my insurance i'm limited and only had talk therapy which never helped. I tried few antidepressants but they didn't work. I spend my life living in the past thinking of the times i enjoyed life and how happy i was with my crushes, and i get that excited feeling when thinking about it. The only time i'm happy is when i think of the past. I feel that i will never be the same as i used to be ever and that makes me just want to cry and stay in my room all day. I'm waiting to hear from someone at what i think is cbt i really want this to work but i'm afraid, i saw that they make you watch pornography for exposure which scared me since never watch that ever and i don't want to either. I'm sorry if this is long and doesn't make any sense but i'm just tired of wasting my life away this has been a horrible 11 years, and i want my old self back, do you guys think this is hocd? Will this ever go away? Will i ever be the same as i was? Will the thoughts still be there?

No one could help really?

hi..

i'm sorry you haven't received a response until now. anyway you said that you were prescribed anti-depressant and had talk therapy,so have you been diagnosed with ocd? it sounds like classic ocd to me though. you have anxiety attack (so you posted on this forum) which means you're not gay, also you're afraid to look at other girls and avoid them, which is a sort of compulsion, a homosexual always enjoy their homosexual relationship. and never had anxiety that you're having now

i never had cbt/erp therapy, so i don't know much about it. but i heard that it's very effective treatment for hocd, painful but it's worth it in the end, perhaps you could consult with your therapist

there are LOTS of members here who suffer from hocd. i hope they will chime in. hang in there, you'll definitely get through this, don't give up

Thank you Torrent for your reply it's been really hard even though cbt will be hard it has to be better than this suffering right?

yes.. so i hope you will consider cbt/erp as your option. good luck. i hope things improve for you soon

Thanks, i hope so too, i'll let you know.

yes keep us posted on your progress..

I'm so sad reading what you've been going through. I myself have HOCD (or at least I think so, hence the denial thoughts coming up all the time I mention having HOCD, a sort of trick OCD is doing to me). I'm only 18, but I feel completely like you. And it scares me that you haven't been able to live without these demon-disorder haunting you for over 10 years.

Have you ever thought about pursuing KBT-treatment? Talk-therapy is not effective against OCD, maybe that's why you haven't been helped. I think avoidance from living your ordinary life is the most effective way of feeding your OCD.

Since i've had hocd in 2004 any crushes on guys have not been the same, i'v never had a bf so far which adds to this nonsense. Before the hocd my crushes on guys made me happy and excited and after the crushes i had just felt empty like i didn't really have those feelings, anyone experience that? I also feel like i have to have a guy to crush on or my hocd is really bad and i feel i have nothing to look forward to. I also got upset after looking up old crushes on facebook and not feeling any feelings for them though of course these guys did hurt me and this was a long time ago, my point is i have no feelings towards them, has anyone experienced any of these things? Is this all because of hocd? Will the cbt fix this?

*mod edit-topics get merged*

Oh my goodness. I actually started crying when I read your story. 11 years!!? I can't image how terrible you feel!

I have been struggling with HOCD for a year and half now and it's at its worse right now. I feel sick to my stomach seeing that you have been going through it for 11 years! I am afraid that will happen to me.

I really hope your CBT works. Please tell me how it goes. I may consider it if I really find myself in the hole.

I'll be praying for you!

God Bless!