I'm Gay and I'm fighting HOCD

Hey there folks, I'm new to this forum and was wondering if I could maybe find someone to confide in or perhaps even get some advice or support so thanks for your time in advance!

First off, I'm 24, male, from Canada and identify as gay. I've always been attracted to men, ever since I was a little child I found myself being drawn to them more than just physically, it was an emotional and romantic connection. I rarely ever actually noticed women in the way most other males did and for the most part I did not even think about it at all, I just liked men.

As I grew older, I found myself struggling with my sexuality because I felt that no one around me would understand or accept me. Around 21 or so I fully accepted and acknowledged that I indeed was attracted to men more than just aesthetically, it was an emotional and romantic attraction and I was fine with it for a while but I did go through anxiety and depression because like I said, I felt alone, isolated and like no one around me understood me. I felt suffocated being in a heteronormative world and hardly felt I could connect with anyone.

In 2013 or so, big changes came about my life because I was moving away from home and attending a new prestigious university and because of it I had a lot of pent up anxiety. I have social anxiety and am introverted so I kept all my fears and nervousness of moving away and being alone inside to the point it was eating at me.

One night just a month away from moving, I was on netflix and browsing through the Gay and Lesbian section on netflix, as I often did in secrecy lest I be caught or whatever, and I came across two movies that were about bisexual men. Watching them triggered something inside me and I strongly feel caused my anxiety to spike way beyond anything to the point I started having HOCD like symptoms.

Watching those bisexual men be so free with their sexualities, being able to be romantic and physical with one another and then at the same time also be involved with women and be accepted for who they are made me feel incredibly jealous and panicky.

I kept asking myself "why can they be so free, allowed to indulge in their same sex attractions and at the same time also be allowed to have girlfriends and be a part of heteronormative society, or rather be normal"

Whilst watching it too I ended up getting turned on, not by the women in them but more so of the "tabooness" of a man being able to screw around with another man and then go back to his girlfriend.

All this ended up giving me severe anxiety and I began to doubt everything about me. I began to go through all the symptoms of HOCD like watching straight porn, something I hardly did before, and this time looking at the women in them and gauging my ability to be "turned on" or not. I tried watching gay porn and at that point I felt nothing, like there was a mental block preventing me from getting turned on. Whenever I went out, I ended up looking at women, any kind, and my mind would go "Well, do you like her? You have to! Look at her again! She has to be attractive, there you're bisexual now, just admit it! "

I began googling to the point it consumed my days and I came across men who identified as "gay" but were curious to try it with women and then I came across blogs about gay men converting to straight or bisexual and leading that lifestyle and that seriously caused me to freak the hell out. The more I researched on different sexualities, the more I became frightened and nervous because several people promoted the idea that "sexuality is fluid" which I guess is true but the idea of "changing" really terrified me.

I come from a south asian, Indian, background so the topic of marriage is always something that is present and my folks like to talk about my older brother, he's 28, and the prospect of his marriage. I just am afraid that if I were indeed bisexual, my parents will say "well there's no excuse, you're only choosing to upset and disappoint us by falling for men when you could as easily find a woman, you just need to find the right girl yet"

I just have no romantic or emotional attraction to women. Even physically I don't really notice them too much, they're just friends and family to me, nothing more but the more I keep obsessing about my sexuality the more I seem to fear the idea of "not" being gay is consuming me.

I noticed that I only act like this when one trigger is present ": Bisexual men

Whenever I come across bisexual men in the media or online or whatever, I end up feeling incredibly insecure and nervous, like my sexuality is simply invalidated by them, I know that sounds so biphobic but it legitmately is a concern in my head. I feel like all these years I was struggling to form a gay identity and then hopefully come out with pride but now I end up doubting every man who is not heterosexual, I feel like there's no such thing as being "GAY" anymore.

Funnily enough, I am not bothered by bisexual women at all, it's just the men.

One of the most frustrating thing about having symptoms of HOCD and being Gay is that all the resources online are directed at straight people who fear they are gay. There's virtually NOTHING for gay men who fear they may be bisexual. There seems to be this affirmative attitude towards heterosexuals assuring them that "it's okay, you're NOT GAY" but whenever I've tried to be vocal about my struggles, I've been told "well maybe you are bisexual, it's possible"

I just wanted to know, is there anyone else like me struggling? Does anyone have advice? Two years of my life have been nothing but filled with horrible anxiety and it's been hell to the point where I just don't want to be here anymore. I just wish I was like normal gay men and just had a fulfilling life

Hi Serph,

The root of your issue seems to be what is at the root of the issue for heterosexual people with HOCD: confusion, and how that affects the perception of your sexual identity.

And like the heterosexual community, you seems to be trying to figure out "what you are", based on testing, or the researching the lifestyles of others. But you're not other people and they are not you.

For some reason the anxiety of the sufferer is so palpable and motivated, it reverses the common logic of a naturally developing sexual lifestyle; that is, the normal desire that happens INSIDE, and then expresses itself OUTSIDE, becomes inverted, and the HOCD sufferer now looks to the outside world to see who they are inside.

Desire will happen, you don't have to look for it, you don't have to tempt it. Simply live your life and your instincts will tell you about you. Or as the old saying goes, "just be yourself".

This is why we always advise people who are suffering to stop testing, stop watching porn, stop research, if that research is meant to tell you who you are.

If you don't want to be "such and such", you wont be. It is not in your desire to be so. And you will KNOW. The body is a great and complex thing - let it do it's work. Tell the brain to take it easy.



Otter.

Otter wrote:Hi Serph,

The root of your issue seems to be what is at the root of the issue for heterosexual people with HOCD: confusion, and how that affects the perception of your sexual identity.

And like the heterosexual community, you seems to be trying to figure out "what you are", based on testing, or the researching the lifestyles of others. But you're not other people and they are not you.

For some reason the anxiety of the sufferer is so palpable and motivated, it reverses the common logic of a naturally developing sexual lifestyle; that is, the normal desire that happens INSIDE, and then expresses itself OUTSIDE, becomes inverted, and the HOCD sufferer now looks to the outside world to see who they are inside.

Desire will happen, you don't have to look for it, you don't have to tempt it. Simply live your life and your instincts will tell you about you. Or as the old saying goes, "just be yourself".

This is why we always advise people who are suffering to stop testing, stop watching porn, stop research, if that research is meant to tell you who you are.

If you don't want to be "such and such", you wont be. It is not in your desire to be so. And you will KNOW. The body is a great and complex thing - let it do it's work. Tell the brain to take it easy.



Otter.

Hi there Otter, thanks for taking the time to reply to my post!

The thing that gets me is that unlike heterosexual sufferers, I am constantly bombarded with hetero normative ideas. To be "straight" or with a "woman" is considered normal and accepted, anything non conforming is non acceptable so I just feel this pressure to be accepted and understood but I have no support because NO ONE understands what it's like . Straight people are not forced to be gay or anything else, whereas being gay is something that is not well received, especially if you come from an ethnic background like myself so it's just so hard because we're conditioned from birth that STRAIGHT = GOOD, ANYTHING ELSE = BAD . It's suffocating not being able to be myself around people

Idk I really want to be my self, I CRAVE romance with another man but it just feels like I have to hide and not be myself. I hate this tbh, I wish I could just accept me and move on rather than getting triggered by stupid things and going on an anxious over thinking cycle :/

Hi, I am a straight female but I have suffered from HOCD twice in both of my relationships and it's really frustrating. The thing about ocd is that we have to be certain, there is no 50/50. We need 100% for everything in order to move on and feel better.

I also would like to mention it's good that you knew from an early age about your sexuality and you were very certain you liked men. When you're ocd, certain things can trigger us to have our obsessive doubts. Since you stumbled upon the whole "bisexual" men thing on Netflix, that basically triggered your doubts on your sexuality from what your post says. Ocd usually hits you with things that mean the most to you or reflect who you are as a person.

Something I found out for me, was that when I was struggling with hocd was that when I had my doubts again, I realized I all of a sudden turned gay over night. Looking at women gave me anxiety, watching lesbian porn to see if I was getting turned on by it, it all terrified me. I had always been attracted to men and dated men. It made me depressed and I lost so much weight from it.

Something you need to remember is that you don't turn bisexual overnight. These thoughts are giving you anxiety. Notice your heart races when you think, oh my god I'm bisexual? That's your anxiety. Also...stay away from straight porn. From the get go it gives you anxiety but also remember...straight or not...porn is geared to turn you on. That's what porn is...its fantasy! So don't be scared of it. Also remember when you're trying not to notice women...you're going to notice them more. If I told you not to think of a white elephant, the harder you try to not think about it, the more you will.

Accept the thought, and It be there. Be present. I know you are still a gay man and that is awesome. Don't let your fear get in the way of who you are. The cool thing about ocd is that you have the choice. Don't let your head control you!

I totally get what you're saying too about not being accepted with your lifestyle. My aunt who is really religious is not for gay rights and it's so annoying to hear her stupid rants about why it's wrong. Don't be afraid to be yourself. You were born this way and it's okay to embrace it. I can see the pressure to be straight by society can really confuse you too, but remember you were born this way and it's totally okay! Society sucks anyways. :p

I hope this helps. And I do hope you feel better, I understand how hard it is!

Hey, I am almost exactly like you except I identify as lesbian (I think?). Even down to the south indian thing, since I am as well, so I totally relate to the idea that if you come out as bi your parents will pressure you to marry a woman, and that is not something you want to do.
Even for me, bisexual women are the main trigger, and I often read about stories where lesbians meet the right man and become bi/straight. It scares me so much!
Maybe its my confirmation bias, but I'm pretty sure the lesbian turning bi thing is way more common than the gay man turning bi thing, so don't worry so much about it.
My way to fight it is whenever I get this thought, I just recite in my head "so what? As long as I am with someone who makes me happy, nothing bad will happen" Eventually it will calm you down. The feelings of panic will come again but if you continue to think this, you can calm down faster.
Just remember, you are in control of your own happiness. You will ultimately do what makes you happy. One day you'll find a man that makes you happy, I am sure of it.