I think I am having suicidal thoughts?

I'm 17 (nearly 18) and I'm a girl.

I have OCD ( I have never been diagnosed but I have done extensive research and have been having these symptoms for years. I also have a friend who I made this year who has it and she has told me that I probably have it.)

So anyway, I don't know what's wrong. I get really overwhelmed by having to do the compulsions and sometimes I scratch my arm and headbutt things/hit myself. Sometimes I just harm for the sake of it. That usually happens during one of my bad days/weeks. It's like every time I feel OK I just end up feeling like crap again. I just can't live like this anymore. I don't want to die but I can't stop thinking about killing myself because I have lost nearly all hope in my future and I will never amount to anything. I don't think I will kill myself because I have this huge fear of death (don't we all?) but I just don't want to live this way anymore. I strongly dislike my life and I strongly dislike myself. I don't know if what I think is classed as suicidal thoughts because I don't have a plan etc but I just think about how being dead would end all of this $#%^.

Please help me. What's wrong with me? What should I do?

Thanks

I think that what you have is called a "death wish" (I have that, too, all the time, though sometimes I develop a plan and I guess that is more suicidal ideation). For myself, I just try to keep telling myself that it will get better. I know it will also get bad, again, but the bad only lasts for awhile and you can always ride it out.

I don't know much about OCD, other than I know it is from anxiety, so maybe you need to see a psychiatrist about anxiety meds and find ways to lower your anxiety. If you are like me you don't like the idea about meds, but they can help. I am on anti-depressants and sometimes I still get bad depression, but it isn't as bad as before I was on them.

kayb14 wrote:]I have OCD ( I have never been diagnosed but I have done extensive research and have been having these symptoms for years. I also have a friend who I made this year who has it and she has told me that I probably have it.)

Hello,

I guess I don't really have you this but unless your friend happens to be a psychiatrist, their opinion is sadly worthless. What I would suggest instead is writing down your symptoms (when you do that at home the possibility of forgetting something is smaller) and taking the list with you to a professional. To quote Wikipedia, "Other disorders with similar symptoms include: obsessive–compulsive personality disorder (OCPD), an autism spectrum disorder, or disorders where perseveration (hyperfocus) is a feature in ADHD, PTSD, bodily disorders, or just a habit problem"

Assuming you are correct about having OCD, there is help available in form of therapy and sometimes SSRIs (antidepressants).

Suicidal thoughts... I have a mood chart for my bipolar, on which I mark suicidal thoughts and their level. 0 means no suicidal thoughts at all. 1 means general "I wish I would die" thoughts. 2 means making plans. 3 means putting those plans into action. Being constantly stuck at level 1 is NOT good and does not mean something that can be dismissed, because if your normal state is level 1, a negative trigger can very easily push you into level 2. Even if not for the OCD-related reasons, I definitely recommend you see a psychiatrist and discuss those thoughts. You might be in more danger than you think.

Lastly, since you don't actually mention being depressed, I am moving this thread to the OCD forum leaving a "shadow" here -- which should hopefully give you more responses.

Big hugs. Stay safe.