help?! :( ROCD

i need advice or something i don't even know. maybe just a place to vent so here goes, this may be long!

i've been with my boyfriend for almost 7 months, but have known him almost 3 years. we actually dated once before for only a couple of weeks though. i was extremely upset when we broke up. we ended up getting back together about 6 months later and have been together since then. i noticed right away that i didn't experience butterflies around him anymore. also important to note we work together so i see him 2-5 times a week depending. so i started googling things like, "no more butterflies in relationship" and of course read the usual triggering things such as it means you should break up, you don't like him anymore. i panicked but realistically thought "well it's normal to not feel crazy about someone when you're around them often." so those thoughts went away. the end of november 2014 they came back and will not leave my mind. i was hooked on things like "do we have enough chemistry?", "he's kind of skinny maybe he's not attractive enough to me", "i don't think i love him" just all these things! we have a perfectly healthy loving relationship. i realize things have gotten routine lately. we've been working a lot. but it scares me to have these thoughts. i want to love him. then i see things like, "you can't force love" and it terrifies me! what if i don't love him? i love spending time with him, he's so easy to talk to, i trust him 100%, we share core values, despite how i feel sometimes i know he's attractive, we have similar interests but different enough in ways to keep it interesting. so what is wrong? i have noticed seeing relationships on facebook, instagram, wherever is super triggering because i feel like i'll never feel the love they have. i know deep down love is NOT A FEELING but i still worry i can't feel love. it scares me because we haven't been together thaat long so why am i feeling this way? sheryl paul's website has been super helpful but i can't shake this. i actually broke up with him the other night and got extremely worried i didn't feel sad. i thought, well i must not love him if i feel like a weight has been lifted or i'm not crying. i ended up texting him back saying i regret it. i'm so thankful he is so patient and understanding with me. i've told him my worries and he reminds me each time "love is not that butterfly effect." i know checking feelings is a sure way to not feel feelings at all but i'm always thinking when i kiss him did i enjoy that? or if i hug him, do i feel love? the other day i even started experiencing anxiety over thinking i was only with him because he looks like my ex boyfriend i had when i was younger. they both have brown hair, brown eyes and wear glasses. how ridiculous us that????

i'm not convinced i have ROCD but i have so many symptoms. then i get scared thinking i've talked myself into these symptoms?! it's probably worth noting i used to have really bad health anxiety. i was in the hospital several times a week afraid i had cancer, blood clots, anything. i feel that's so similar to this. in both situations i was obsessed with googling things. with my health anxiety it was googling symptoms and different illnesses and with this it's googling thongs about love. i'm obsessed with worrying it was infatuation that didn't turn to love. i'm going away for 3 weeks in april and i read that infatuation love fades with distance and i'm scared i'll feel even less for him when i come back

i don't really have any other OCD symptoms? sometimes i do think horrible thoughts or i actually remember playing this game when i was younger where i'd throw a ball in the air and if i didn't catch it someone i know would die? i of course had to keep trying to catch because i didn't want them to die. i feel i fit more with obsessive.

i think i'm so scared because he's honestly someone i could see myself with for the rest of my life. when i had that thought, worrying followed. any advice? anyone?

Ok.. this may not be helpful but IF YOU CAN just decide to drop it all and take it slow and however you feel about your boyfriend -at this time- is how you feel... still going out with him can't hurt. I've experienced things similar to this and it just got worse going through the thoughts, 'arguing' with them, trying to resolve them in my head... I ended up with like diminished physical attraction, etc. Ugh.

thank you prosojigoku!
so basically just think, i don't care how i feel at this exact moment i'm choosing to stay? you're definitely right about thinking about it too much just causes more problems. i find when i am not thinking about the relationship so much and just go with the flow~ i have all these loving feelings towards him again. that lasts a couple of days before i'm back to feeling anxious. i'm going to really try hard not to google anything for a while and see what happens. i was looking into taking st.johns wort as i heard it can help with depression/anxiety, any opinions? i guess whenever i feel like googling i should take a hot bath, a walk or exercise.

I am in the same boat as you right now...I have ocd and it is the worst type of ocd to go through.

My relationship with my bf has been the best thing that's ever happened to me. And then all of these doubts come into play, repetitive phrases and words come to play. I've doubted attraction to my bf, if I loved him, if having sex with him felt right. And when you fight it gets worse.

I think you have rocd. If you didn't love him or wanted to be with him, this wouldn't bother you as much as it does. Love is not a feeling but also a choice. If you're constantly worrying about what feels right to you about your bf, you won't always feel love. You don't have time to if you're worrying constantly. Take it one day at a time.

I know the kind of pain you're going through, if you do have ocd, I suggest don't break up with him again or anything. That's feeding into the ocd cycle and will make it worse for you.

I know your relationship means the world to you and you guys will get through this. I believe in your relationship. Stay strong. If you wanna message me, I'm here for you through this. Don't go through this alone. It's great your bf is so understanding on what you're going through. With him, you'll get through it.

-- Thu Jan 29, 2015 3:48 pm --

Also, drink plenty of water. Stay away from caffeine. I also like to take wwalks in the morning and listen to music (no break up songs, it'll make it worse, doubts that you can relate to the lyrics and what not).

yes! it's honestly the worst.
i had really bad health anxiety for a few years and i'd take that back over having relationship doubts. it's so frustrating because i went from having crazy anxiety over it where i'd have a thought and want to break up right that instant. now i think i've exhausted myself because i feel like i don't care anymore? which makes me doubt it's ROCD to begin with. although a bit of me knows it's ROCD or something because this all started when i started to google things about my relationship. "If you're constantly worrying about what feels right to you about your bf, you won't always feel love. You don't have time to if you're worrying constantly." i like this. it's true but so hard to do! those random days of being doubt-free are amazing. once you start analyzing every single touch or kiss it's so hard to stop. sometime i even will hear him say something funny then wonder if i even found it funny. i just want a normal relationship, well without the doubts. i think what's super hard about this is the fact that it's my first adult relationship. i'm turning 23 this year and my last relationship i was 13-16! i tend to compare it a lot to that. i always had butterflies in that relationship, well duh i was a kid and he never really was comitted of course. now that i have soneone who is fully committed i'm scared i don't love him (or anymore.) funny how that works lol.

p.s great note about the caffeine. i drink at least 2 cups a day and should definitely try to slowly eliminate!

Hey, sorry that I didn't respond. Rocd is the worst. I have ocd, and I have been going through these thoughts for about almost 2 months and I can't take it anymore.

So, I guess I'm in the same boat as you. When I have thoughts about not wanting to be with him, my heart starts to race, I can't talk and what not. And then I worry I'm just gonna blare it out and say I don't wanna be with him and then regret my decision. I guess it's because lately it's hard to deal with. And I have like repetitive phrases in my head that I say that bother me, and I can't get them out. And if I do, it only lasts for that day and when I wake up I'm full of anxiety.

I guess what makes rocd such a bitch is the fact that we only have the answers to if this is right for us. It's not a physical thing that someone can tell us were wrong, but, asking for reassurance is a ocd tick.

I was head over heels, in love with my bf. Whenever I talk about how much he means to me, I cry. Thinking that I don't wanna continue the best relationship of my life, I cry. It's the fact I can't get the thought out, that's what is causing so much anxiety, and I feel like you're in the same boat as me. But...I promise you, it gets better. It's like no matter what the voices say, we're still with our loves at the end of the day.

I'm only 19, almost 20 but if it started out as a random doubt one day, and you get random doubts about like physical appearance, worrying about not feeling things and it's hurting you, I can say you have rocd. Plus if you're obsessing over it too. I obsess about it all day every day, and it sucks so much because I never get a break. I get headaches and now I'm seeing a therapist 2 times a week. -___-;

She's a relationship therapist so that kind of makes me feel better because she knows the signs. She said if you've been miserable for a long time with your partner, that's a sign you don't wanna continue the relationship.

I think rocd comes off of the fact that we love our partner so much that we fear they're gonna leave us, or we will leave them because love is a scary thing.

Sound like what you're going through? And remember, rocd tricks you into thinking it's what you want, but why would you feel so much anxiety if it was true? Why do you cry when you get bad, intrusive thoughts like that?

I really hope you feel better. Reply soon. You will overcome your thoughts.

As someone who goes through spikes of rocd, you guys literally just described everything that goes through my head. Knowing I'm not in this alone is a huge relief. I'm literally having the worst week because of all this its driving me nuts. I just wish it would go away and I would be certain I love my gf. We've been together for 3 years, amazing relationship no problems at all, yet once or twice a year I'll have these spikes where I can't stop doubting and questioning everything and I end up feeling like a robot on the inside. Even you you said you start to question every little thing about did i actually find this funny or whatever. Literally I have the same thing right down to it. Just know you are not alone in this, and that means something, its not you, its a disorder we all have, don't let it beat you! Reading through other peoples make me feel better, thats why I'm seeing this a year later lol.