OCD Thought Testing

Hi, I am a 22 year old female and I am very ashamed of myself. I probably won't get many responses regarding this but I want to try and find help about this disturbing problem I am having. To get a better understanding of my problem maybe I should explain a little about myself. Up until I was 14 my mom had her male friend around in my life who did some peculiar things that would disturb most normal people. He didn't molest me but he did expose me to porn, masterbate in front of me, grope my butt, and teach me how to masterbate. Please note that my mother was unaware of what was happening at the time. I didn't immediately feel guilty about this because as a teenager I was curious and at the time it felt good to rebel. However, about a year and half later I suddenly started to feel guilty about the entire thing and told my mother about it. I never saw this man again since but this incident still bothers me today even 8 years later. BTW could he have gone to jail for what he did because we never went to the police about it and decided to just drop the whole thing and move on with life.

Onto my current problem. Please don't judge me and label me a pervert because I feel bad enough as it is. I don't know how it happened but somehow I've got it in my head that I am the P word. I'm not even comfortable typing the word but you should know what I mean. It is completely ruining my life and I can't seem to think about anything but this. I can't focus on things in my life that used to be important to me. For example, I used to be a really good piano player but I've been ignoring my playing because I don't feel worthy enough to continue on with it. But I don't want to go through life thinking about these repulsive, disgusting thoughts. It all started when I saw some dumb commercial on TV and I was worried that I got a weird response from it. I have always been paranoid about certain things and when I get something in my mind I can't get it out. This incident happened in March of 2013. Now, almost 2 years later I am worse than ever. Pretty much everyday of my life has been pure hell thinking these vile thoughts about these individuals that I don't even want and wish would go away forever. A few days ago I finally got fed up and decided to "test" my thoughts by masterbating to see if I was really turned on by them. This was one of the worst mistakes of my life. I was certain that I would not orgasm to these thoughts but somehow I did and it wasn't just once. Please be aware that I was not testing myself out of enjoyment because I was miserable and disgusted the entire time. It's not like I'm not attracted to grown adults because I certainly am. But can someone please tell me why I orgasmed? Sometimes I get turned on by things I actually find disgusting but about this incident I think it was out of fear and panic. I didn't orgasm to the same thought over and over again but the fact that I did even once has me completely devastated.

No matter how much I try to convince myself that I am normal something keeps telling me that I'm not. I am a religious person and I do honestly believe that these thoughts are the result of demons but maybe I really am I disgusting person who doesn't deserve to live.

First of all, you are not scum (as your title says). Not even close.

This is a complicated situation. There are different thing going on, most of which is something you need to take to a professional.

You seem to be anxious and depressed at the same time. The psychological impact of what happened with your mother's ex-boyfriend could be playing into the overall, but only work with a therapist can really reveal what kind of impact and how much. It certainly could have increased the anxiety/depression if you are predisposed to both of those things.

Obviously one of the indicators would be to first find out when you began to be paranoid about things, as you say in this sentence

I have always been paranoid about certain things and when I get something in my mind I can't get it out.

About the orgasm. The body are mind are wired together. But they are not always wired to logic. For instance, you can masturbate to an image or movie of something you don't like. But eventually the physical action of masturbating takes over, and even though you see the image (in your head or in 3D), your mind may disregard this and key on the physical motion. Also, we may get off on the fact that we are doing something taboo, which make the "idea" of the concept less important than what the context of that concept my be.

But the point is, if we use this precarious relationship between mind and body, as indicator for more complex issues, we are almost always bound to get it wrong.

You may have a propensity for anxiety and depression, and certain psychological issues and experiences such as the one with your mom's ex may have compounded the problem.

You are not scum. You are not a disgusting person who doesn't deserve to live.

What you are, is a person who is suffering. Get to a therapist and tell all. Let them work with you to sort things out.

You deserve to help yourself out of this.

Otter.

Hi Otter,

Thank you for responding to my post. I obviously feel very guilty about all of this. I am most bothered by the orgasm thing because I don't want to ever get "off" on things that disgust me and that I would never do. I would like to get professional treatment but unfortunately I can't afford it right now being a college student, not to mention how embarrassed I would be telling anyone in real life.

Probably the hardest part is telling someone, even a professional. I know this because it took me years to talk about my odd thoughts.

Ok, here are a few things you can do -

Maybe seek out counsellors at school. Many offer free services. You don't have to tell them everything, in fact be honest with them and say there are certain things you don't feel comfortable saying. This way you will maintain honesty, which is always a good way to start a relationship, even with a counsellor you may only see once or twice.

Discuss the fact that you are having obsessive thoughts about things you don't want to think about, things that cause you to judge yourself poorly. Tell them they are unwanted thoughts - or intrusive thoughts.

Also, do your best to stop judging yourself "a disgusting person". This will only make the depression worse. Try to make yourself understand you are saddled with a possible disorder that causes intrusive thoughts.

I'm not saying don't masturbate, but don't get on yourself about intrusive thoughts that happen. It happens to me when my anxiety is up. Until you can manage professional help, some things you are going to have to live with.

Read up on OCD. Read up on methods that might help you. Avoid checking to looking to people and lifestyles you don't want to be and seeing if you are like them. Again, this is checking.

Otter.

I agree pretty much with everything Otter said. I am currently suffering from this, and have been for about 7 months. It's awful, and I know exactly what you mean when you say that it makes you not want to do other things. But please listen-DO NOT "check" or "test". I know that Otter said this, but I cannot stress it enough. I put myself through a lot of stress I could have avoided by doing just that. I even got into a routine of looking at people that my thoughts are targeted on in public, and it only made me feel worse. I didn't listen to my friend when he told me to stop testing. I should have. I think that I am finally coming out of this. The thing about the orgasms are that (just like Otter stated) you really don't necessarily like what you are looking at. Think about it this way-you're goal, whether you realize it consciously or not, is to climax. You will reach that goal no matter what you're looking at. You're thinking about things that revolve around sex, and your focus at that time is to get off. It will happen. You could sit there for 3 minutes, 3 days, or 3 years, but you would make it happen. That's what you don't realize when you're caught up in the moment. And like Otter said, too, it wouldn't be a bad idea to look up things on OCD, or intrusive thoughts, and things related. One thing though-just don't keep looking things up to try to find answers. This kind of thing can't be dealt with by pure logic, because it in itself operates on the very opposite basis, by using illogical thoughts and images to convince you. I don't know if you've tried to look up the definition for pedophilia, but it's idiotic, to say the least. By the very nature of the "textbook" definition of it, every person on this earth that has thought about anything sexual would be one. I also believe that for anyone who has identified themselves to be a true pedophile, they know it. And it seems as though it usually hits not too long after puberty, so that is another reason why I don't think you have such a thing. If you haven't already, you'll probably ask yourself "What did this?" and you'll be off to find the answer, only to find that you never will. More importantly, it truly doesn't make a difference about the Whats or Whys of of how you got set off. What DOES matter, is you getting yourself out of this. You clearly state that you feel guilt, shame, disgust, ect. Yes, there are pedophiles who feel this to, but not to a degree that would hinder their everyday functioning. I would say that the majority, though, don't feel guilt. They just do as they do. I don't think they're bad people all around. As far as seeking professional help, I would have to say I disagree with Otter about the counselor. People like that don't know how to deal with this. If you tell them that something is distressing you to this extreme, and say you don't want to go into it, they will keep at you. Besides, you will have to mention the word "pedophile" at some point, to someone. Save it for someone who you really trust will take this seriously. Talk therapy will most likely not help you, even if the therapist has the best intentions at heart. CBT therapy or something similar would pretty much be the best bet. As for dealing with it on your own, I would say just don't give into it. Don't try to ignore it, and don't welcome it, but rather, just don't test, don't look at people in public on purpose, ect. It has died down for me greatly by doing this. Maybe that won't work for you, but what have you got to lose as far as giving it a try? You have to save yourself from going down the path that I did. One other thing to think about is that yes, there is that SLIGHT, little chance you are a pedophile. But ask yourself this-Do you TRULY believe, in your heart of hearts, in the pit of your gut, that you are? There are a million possibilities as there are people, for everything in life. You must not linger on the "ifs", because you'll get nowhere. I hope this has helped you in some way. I wanted to say this because I don't want to see someone suffer what I have had to. If you want to check out my story, you can find in the "Paraphilias" forum. Best regards to you, and I hope you find something that will clear this up.

I just feel so stupid for what I did. Why did I think that would help me when all it did was make me feel worse. I'm an expert at doing stupid things that I will later regret. The most ironic thing about this is that I absolutely can't stand kids in general, especially really young ones. I think they're annoying brats and if they disappeared from the planet I wouldn't care less. Sometimes I have thoughts about them getting killed too, which doesn't bother me as much. Sorry if that disturbs any of you.

Before all of this crap I never thought about or cared about them. I want to think like this again. I don't want to like them. I want nothing to do with them. I don't even care to be a mother someday. I just want my life back. Everyday I wake up with a sick feeling in my stomach and now because I had to be an idiot and test myself this sick feeling has become even more intense. I keep asking myself "Do I like that?" "Does this get me aroused?" and other nasty questions that I shouldn't even be asking.

Honestly I think I'd rather have any form of cancer than be a p. I've always been attracted to guys my age or older but sometimes when I masterbate I have a harder time getting off to thoughts of them compared to taboo thoughts. I'm still a virgin though and I'm pretty confused about what turns me on. Could this have something to do with it?

I'm sick of wasting my time and energy on this topic but it feels like there is this annoying little voice in my head that says everything contrary to what I really believe in. I feel like these thoughts aren't even me, like my mind is being controlled by someone else. And when I masterbate I don't usually do it for pleasure unless I'm really bored. Right now I have PGAD which makes me feel turned on 24/7 and I feel like I have to masterbate all the time to relieve the tension. So I'm not masterbating because I want to but because I feel like I have to. It still never helps and the annoying feeling always comes back. I'm definitely going to see a doctor about but this combined with the intrusive thoughts is a terrible combination.

To Otter: There's no way to talk to a counselor at my school. They do not specialize in mental health and would be no help whatsoever. I honestly think talking to people who have experienced this or something similar on psychforums is more helpful than going to a counselor and I can open up more on here than in real life even though my post is public and everyone can see how messed up I am.

To Graverobber: I will check out your story. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this.

Thank you both for responding.

P.S. Is there a way to change the title of this post. I was pretty angry at myself when I submitted it.

I don't have time for a full answer, but let me know what you want the thread title to be.

You mustn't feel stupid for doing this. It's just another sign, actually. I don't know how many times you've tried to test on stuff, but the first few times, one will think they really are helping themselves. But somewhere in your head (the part that ISNT nagging at you) you knew what you were about to do to yourself. After the first few times, you know EXACTLY what you're about to do, and your goal is to have an orgasm. I never used to care about kids, either. Didn't hate them, thought they could be annoying, but they were just there to me. Look at your second paragraph-you say how you don't want to be this, or that, or whatever. Your fear is taking that and using it against you, because it knows you don't want to be those things. You've got to stop the testing, and even the questions. Of course they will sometimes pop up in your head without consent, but you can't just keep asking yourself on purpose. I've thought, as well, "I'd rather have like anything but this", but you won't live with this forever. It has to go away. I had to look up what the PGAD thing was, but wow. It's something that fuels arousal. OF COURSE that is contributing to this. I'm on a medication that increases libido. I didn't used to believe that had anything to do with this, either. But it's an obvious. Is it not true that every single thing you think of, you second guess? Think about it like this-If you go and test with your thoughts, images, or whatever else is available, and you have an orgasm, you'll feel awful. But if you don't, you'll feel good for like 2 minutes and then question yourself, whether you really were paying attention to what you were looking at, or if you were just denying it, or something else ludicrous like that. Nothing is ever good enough. That's why it's not a real attraction, because you question it all the time. You would have a knowing if the situation were otherwise.

Can this post be deleted please.

PM sent.