Possible P-OCD

Hello everyone. I have been a member here for probably about 3 weeks. I already posted this in the Paraphilias forum and, not to my surprise (and a good idea), I was suggested to post the story here. SO anyways, here it is. Thanks for taking the time to read, it's much appreciated.

ll, before this all began I had a girlfriend, whom I met on an online dating site.
This was in December/January of 2013.
At first, we talked on Skype, and I thought she was an okay person, not great, not bad. Through the next few months we talked on Skype, and Facebook.
She wanted to go out with me after not even having seen me in person (she lives and hour from me).
So, because I just guess I liked that I was being asked out, I said yes, but my mind quickly changed (as I recall, in the next few minutes after I sad yes), and I said I couldn't do that because we hadn't met in person.
We still talked, and we fought heavily, however. When it was still winter, I went to see her on (I think) a Saturday.
She told her parents she was just going out with friends or something. So, I went to find it, and I finally got there after much hassle with directions. We went to Walmart, and then we ate at Burger King in my car.
It went well, and I took her home and she hugged me then got out. We started going out and she just told her parents that I was a friend of one of her friends. I don't think they ever found out about the night that I took her out in winter.
When the weather started to get better, I finally went to her house and met her family, she has two sisters, mom and dad, and her sister's boyfriends were there. So I talked to them for a few minutes and we left and went out, but we just did sexual things in a parking lot mostly.
Which I now realize was wrong. Anyways, we went out in total for about three months.
The whole way through, pretty much, though, we were both miserable.
But we just kept the relationship going anyhow. She's kind of a nut. She stole my this little rock that was shaped like a heart and that had been painted when she was at a gift shop on a school field trip.
I told her I didn't want it. Oh, and another thing I feel I should mention is that I got to go to this cabin they owned about 2 hours from my house.
But the second time (and last time) I went there, we had sexual intercourse, and I just used the pull out method, obviously a horrible idea. That night her family was sleeping and I was in the other room on the couch and I just kept thinking that she was pregnant.
She wasn't in the end, but (kind of like my worry of being a pedophile) for the whole next week, I was worried out of my head that she was. When we did break up, she dumped me. Although, I wasn't really hurt by it.
About a week later, she messaged me and a few days later, I took her back. She dumped me again about a week later. She dumped me the second time right on the 4th of July. This time, however, I was hurt by this.
I did have love for her, even though she was nutty.
Jumping to the current worry of mine now, it was July 25th when this really started. I had worried about it for maybe a week before that day, but that's when it really hit me.
I went to the store with a friend of mine ("Cork" is what we call him"), and I saw this girl who I thought to be 11 or 12, and I don't even know to this day whether I looked at her sexually or not, but it was about her legs.
And boom, I just got extremely worried and this all took off. On the way back home from the store I asked Cork what he thought, because he saw her too, and he said I was absolutely fine.
I asked him something like "is it weird that I think 13 or 14 year olds still look good?" and he of course assured me I was fine. I worried about it the whole day, and that night I used google and looked up kids' feet (I have a foot fetish).
I tried for 20 minutes to get aroused, but I couldn't. The next morning it was in my head still, and I went to Cork's and cried to him about all this for a while, and he again assured me I was fine. So, for the next day or two, I was okay.
I calmed down. But then it came back again, assuring me I was all bad. So I kept on going, it convincing me even further, and I gave into it's ways. I tested myself (only google and youtube videos, I have never once viewed CP in my life).
One night, I think a few months into this, I tested myself on a youtube video of a girl who, by the comments after, I found out was 9. I got off with the foot fetish, which is, to say, I climaxed.
The thing is, I felt really good that night, and then I did it.
But that's really when I first questioned myself VERY heavily, as to whether I got off over her, or if I was just feeling good that night so maybe that contributed to it, or maybe I was subconsciously thinking of someone who I really liked, or comparing her to an older person, or just something ELSE.

But I felt absolutely horrified. I was disgusted with myself, I wanted to just die, I called Cork crying telling him about it and what he said was interesting. He said "if you keep looking for trouble, you're going to find it."
I get what he meant, but of course, I still felt horrible and I still kept doing some testing.
Then there was this other girl who I got off over a few times (foot fetish related) that I thought was, at the oldest, 11. That of course didn't help and I again felt so horrible. I didn't tell Cork about that one, though.
In all of this, there has been the side of me that I like to call the "Logical Side", and the fear, or idea, or whatever it is on the other side of my head. They always fight, constantly. It's absolutely distressing.
I would try to give myself logical reasons why this happened, logical reasons as to why I may have been able to get off over those things (If I really did, and it wasn't something else),
but the fear just throws it all out and makes it illogical and useless.

I continued to worry and worry. I really didn't try to masturbate over these things for the most part, I would just click on them and see the response of my penis.
Sometimes it would move, sometimes not. Although, maybe I've just "trained" it to anymore, because of the fear and that I'm thinking about all of it, and the pressure
is on me. I sometimes think that being dumped kind of blew me into this in a way, that is, to say it was a contributing factor in this, not the main reason.
I'm a short man, 5 '5 at best, so I thought that maybe it was something else that is at play here. I think that the fear can really make it so even if I masturbate,
I will have an orgasm, but, I can't say that this is scientifically true. The medicine I'm on seems to increase many people's libido, so, maybe that could help, too.
But none of that matters, I still question all of that. But anyways, the other night, when this post was made, it was because I got off watching a video of someone who
I thought to be 9 or something like that. And even now, I still don't know whether I really cared for it much at all. I feel like I was thinking "eh, they're OK for
whatever age she is, but I can't tell. But, as one could guess, I felt horrible about this, and I stayed up that night until I couldn't stay up anymore. I don't really
want to be too sick here, and I apologize if for someone I am going too far, but I kind of think that maybe the reason for that night was partially because I had
gotten off twice in the last...probably hour of seeing that. I just wanted to clarify why this post came about. I guess that's just about the rest of it, besides
to say that there were two other girls in a video to which this happened before, and like the others, I thought about 9 years of age, but someone in the comments
asked "this was 3 years ago, how old are you guys now?" and some girl, not the OP of the video, said 15. In short, it would have made them 12. Althogh, I'm iffy on
whether it's true or not, but I have mentioned all the cases of actually getting off. I guess one more thing to add is that I read another story on here in the last
5 days I think, and the person told of his experiences, and someone told him "I think you're okay, but you have a pedophilic side." I really wonder if this can be,
although I have never heard of the two being simultaneous within someone but, again, I don't have the true knowledge to say it is or isn't. Well, that's it, hope it's
not too long.

-- Thu Jan 22, 2015 11:30 am --

I apologize for the way this turned out to be, all messy and whatnot. I had to take it from notepad. Hopefully it won't be too bad to read. Again, my sincere apologies.

I think you have to search for professional help. Your theme is tabu. Do you have other OCD issues?

I already have gone to a doctor, and he put me on Bupropion. I suppose it does some good, but it's also a libido enhancer. I'm seeing a therapist that I realize is useless in this situation, because it's talk therapy. It won't go anywhere, and I realize it now. I am reaching out to a hypnotherapist. I go in a week. As far as other signs, they are just mild. I have to line things up, make them neat, I sometimes even walk a certain way. My car has electric locks, so when I open a door with the key to get in, I do seem to repeatedly hit the button to unlock all the doors, for fear that I may get locked out. It's just that kind of stuff. I get what the taboo term refers to, but I can't figure out if it means attraction, or you just like breaking the "moral code", shall we say? Either way, I don't really feel that when I check, whether it is masturbation or just checking in public to see if I think someone looks good. I just feel guilt. I feel guilt before it even happens, actually. That's why I think the fear is doing something to me. One other thing that I'm fairly sure I didn't mention in the post (forgive me if I'm repeating myself like a babbling idiot) is that I don't usually hear of this happening out of the blue. I usually hear something about a guy in his late 20's or 30's (or above) noticing this, OR I hear that one knows this, to a certainty, when they hit puberty, or shortly thereafter. I've been in that stage for a solid 5 years, and I didn't start doing any of this until after that day at the store. Of course, to question that is to think that I always was like this, but never really found out until I went and started actively seeking this stuff out. I don't know. I don't come here looking for a true medical diagnosis or anything of the sort, just average people's opinions on the matter, because this is the only place that people who have these illnesses can get good support

So let me tell you this. I have a very mild form of POCD too (besides many others varieties)..

And from what you say, there is a very solid chance of it being OCD too.

Perhaps you're taking the wrong meds (for me it's escitalopram) and seeing the wrong doctor. For OCD it has to be CBT Therapy. He or she will give you tasks and all that $#%^.....

Ah, actual pedophiles don't feel shame or guilt, they feel pleasure and don't even think about. The same way as real murders (harm) just do it, without thinking.... etc etc etc

I, as well, believe that it is most likely OCD based, too. I don't believe that I truly like this stuff. At best, I probably just "appreciate" it, if you get me. I figured out that the therapist isn't going to do much good, though I realize his intentions are in the right place, he just can't really deal with this. I'm just going to tell the hypnotherapist everything I can remember, and stress how much distress that this has brought, seeing as how people who don't have it seem to think that I'm like...psychotic, or they just tell me to "blow it off my shoulders" (which obviously, I can't just do that right now). I don't really agree 100% that real pedophiles don't feel this way. There are some out there who don't want it, or do feel shame, guilt, ect. about it. I would say that pretty much all of them are sure of what they have, and that it is real. They may deny it, but come to accept it eventually. All I can really do is hope this hypnotherapist can really do me some good. I know that there are CBT Hypnotherapists, which would be sweet. Problem being, they're like ALL in London or Canada, for whatever reason. But I guess if the Hypnotherapy on it's own doesn't seem to help, I will seek out a CBT therapist. Something has to work. It can't be real, but I have to get it out of my head and basically forget this whole charade ever happened. Anyways, thanks for the input.

My friend, I believe that Hypnotherapy is a bad bad approach for your problem. It is very difficult to actually "find" that trigger. Also, it can "lock in" your thoughts even more! Perhaps the person won't even understand your problem, treating you as a sick monster.

As a matter of fact, there are certain women who are 13-14 years old which already look like grown ups. So I wouldn't blame you if you really feel attracted to them, in some way. The problem is that you can't act on that because of the law and of our society, who puts a taboo on that. But, guess what? If you are on your 20s or 30s, such young women won't be interesting in other aspects (romantically, intelectually, etc) because of the generation gap. If their body is the one of a woman, their mind is the one of a child. And it seems to me that you want to have a meaningful relationship sometime, right?

But it you masturbate to nine year old feet, this seems to me like a compulsion. Compulsion is a part of OCD. You feel so ashamed because of the compulsion because of that taboo.

Please see a CBT therapist!

Hello again everyone. I'm doing alright lately, though the depression over the stated problem in the post was pretty bad a few days ago, then proceeded to subside again the next day. The main reason I'm checking back in, however, is because I have a question-I'll be 19 on April 3rd. What age (going back) do you personally think it would begin to be creepy for me to think someone looks good in a sexual way? Be as honest as you can, please. I can take whatever answers you may have. And of course, thanks in advance.