TOCD? or Denial? Please help!!

I really need someone’s help please I beg of you guys. Ever since march of last year I got HOCD, as a little kid I showed signs of OCD but never knew what they were. I would always worry that I was going to die if I was sick. I once had terrible anxiety because I had I thought cancer, another time I was obsessing over having some sort of brain tumor. These periods of obsessions didn’t last very long, but they gave me anxiety and made me worry a lot. Now here’s where my real problem lies, after HOCD, what I hope is TOCD followed. After about two or so months of agonizing over HOCD one night I had a weird thought about being a woman. I didn’t think much of it that night, but the next day I was having such terrible anxiety over that thought. I went about a week with this new obsession and I couldn’t take it anymore so I looked up OCD fear of being transgender. I felt relief when I found out there were also people who had this. That relief was short lived and I went to doubting myself and having terrible anxiety. I would perform various physical and mental compulsions to make sure that I didn’t want to be a girl, these worked for a while. Shortly after this HOCD came back full force and I found myself not really worried about being trans yet rather I was worried about being gay. Fast forward two months or so TOCD came back and it was worse than ever. I have been mentally agonizing over this AGAIN for about 4 to 5 months nonstop. HOCD still bothers me sometimes but not as much as this TOCD. Now I really have a problem I feel like I am truly loosing myself and fear that I am deeply in denial. I never showed any signs of being trans as a little kid, never have wanted to be a woman so why now right? Problem is these thoughts don’t cause me as much anxiety as they used to so now I feel like I just might be a freak case of a guy who was truly happy with his life and just turned trans. WTF. That is just messed up. I used to be a pretty confident happy guy, now I feel less masculine, feel odd, like I am losing myself, sometimes I am convinced I feel weird in my own body. I still wish to be a guy and have more masculine aspects like a beard and being more muscular etc. But this $#%^ has me really convinced otherwise. I have been to a psychologist before and while she didn’t exactly diagnose me, she said that I had OCD, but I didn’t tell her about TOCD because it wasn’t bothering me at the time, HOCD was. I am convinced I am in deep denial. I go back and forth all day telling myself I’m not trans then I’ll doubt and ask myself if I am in denial. I mostly perform mental compulsions but they aren’t as effective as before. Please I really need help guys!!!!!!! Am I trans/in denial or is this just OCD trying to convince me I am these thoughts!!! HELP!

Well, I'll tell you this only once. You're not trans. Your story is typical of an OCD sufferer. I am a sufferer too, exactly of the same theme. You can PM me if you want

Sounds like classical OCD indeed. You should really check this topic: obsessive-compulsive/topic103176.html

Lockheed

Hey guys thanks for the responses. Quick question. How are you guys sure all I have is OCD and that I'm not just secretly in denial?

Please guys? How do I know if this OCD or denial??

HI!
I had the exact same thing as you. once my anxiety decreased over HOCD i got TOCD. Your brain is searching for new obsessions. I got scared because it felt super real. However i now know its silly because my ocd has moved to Rocd (i think). It is so common to go from HOCD to TOCD.
Just please remember it is not you. It doesn't matter what the thoughts are they are obsessional and make you worried ect.
please be kind to yourself and just think about how it didn't bothered you before HOCD. if it were true you would've thought about it before and not in a state of panic.
all the best
x

Sorry if this may be a little late in coming but I'm going through the same thing only I'm a girl. Its so nice to see I'm not alone in this. Mine just started about a month ago, but I've had the HOCD for 4 years before that. Honestly I'd rather go back to dealing with just that. For me it was easier to control and I still felt like myself for the most part. Like it didn't really manifest in my brain most if the time. It stayed in my chest (I don't think it was my actual heart telling me. Didn't feel like it most of the time) and I could always keep it pushed to the far corner somehow. This...this is another matter. It's messing with me and trying to convince me that I've always wanted it when I really haven't. I've always felt comfortable with my body and I was always proud to be a girl. Sure I'm a bit of a tomboy but I like girly things too.

Tell me, when you first started feeling this, did you start reading up about the signs of being trans and try to see if you matched with any of them? Cause that's what I did. Over and over and over again. And i think it just made it worse...a lot worse. Reading stories about people who found out they were just made me upset and I had to exit out as quickly as I could. I took quiz after quiz to see if I had a male or female brain and if I has really trans or cis. Did you do that too?

Agh this might be old and you might be kinda over it by now but I just felt I had to say something. I'm glad I'm not alone in this.

OCD is targeting our weakest spot. Gender and sexuality is something that defines us and control us in the society in different ways. Gender and sexuality is not just about standing firm in your values and being proud of who you are, it could also be a scary thing and makes us fragile. Of course OCD is there and it will thrive on every theme or subject that could cause anxiety and uncertainty.

I was having HOCD for 5-6 months. Then it went on to POCD. Currently I'm dealing with TOCD and HOCD all along. I was a tomboy growing up and was into sports and videogames. But then I started to enjoy dressing up nicely on parties, having make up on etc. I will always be a tomboy and like sports, that's just who I am as a person. I will occasionally find enjoyment in dressing up nicely, having my hair and make up done. So I'm still a mixed tomboy but it doesn't mean I don't want to be a woman. OCD does not care about that. It will as I said before thrive on pretty much everything so it can make you question and obsess over it creating a fine space for the OCD to develop and become more severe. When the HOCD knocks on the door, I still believe I'm a lesbian because I'm a tomboy. It's hard to maintain sanity, and I will get deeply upset and sad for these intrusive thoughts to even enter my mind and make up fake attractions/crushes, tell me I was never interested in boys etc.

OCD is not easy. There are times where I just wanna lay down and give up to the thoughts. But then I remember that the thoughts do not define me! OCD can say what it wants. I will accept OCD. By accepting my OCD-thoughts and label them as part of my OCD, i will win. It doesn't mean I actually believe what the OCD is telling me. So please, try to not stress when you have intrusive thoughts about your gender or sexuality. Accept the thoughts. Let them flow. They are not true, you know they are not true but OCD wants you to believe them. Accepting them and labeling them as part of your OCD is the only way to win over OCD. You will not win if you rationalize, question or obsess with the OCD. You will only win if you accept and let the thoughts be.

jdog18 wrote:Please guys? How do I know if this OCD or denial??

This in itself is part of the OCD process - the need to know 100%.

Hey i have the same thing , after 4 weeks or more of HOCD now I have TOCD I hope , how are you.doing ?Are you better?