HOCD HELP ME I FEEL LIKE DYING

Hello, I need help determine if I am gay or not. Please help me I feel like dying. But first let me explain my sexual history to you.

Ever since I can remember I have loved girls. My first crush was when I was in kindergarten for a girl and I remember getting a boner for a girl all the way back in grade 4. When I was in grade 6 I started to watch Latin Lover, a Spanish softcore porn show late at night about hot women having sex with each other and with men. I would get so turned on by it and I didn't jack off to it because I did not know how to.

Anyway when I was 4-8 I was sexually abused by a boy older than me and then I acted this out on other boys my age but I still liked girls.

When I got older I got into straight porn and liked it, it turned me on so much. Then I later started watching gay porn and got turned on by it and began to watch it more than straight porn (high school). One day I tried watching straight porn but then I noticed that I was not able to jack off to it anymore. I became afraid and scared that I became gay and was only able to masturbate to gay porn. Later in high school I took myself away from gay porn for two years and only masturbate to straight and lesbian. However I was still afraid of being gay.

I avoided watching the men in straight porn, I was afraid of getting turned on by guys. I go on various websites to prove to myself that Im straight and I read hocd blogs every night.Whenever people talked about homosexuality I got scared that they were talking about me and I was afraid that my same sex experimentation was part of my anxiety.

Now Hocd has come back in full force. I cannot masturbate to women as much anymore. Straight porn does not turn me on as much as it used to.

I monitor my voice to see if I sound gay and I check out men to prove if I'm gay and I check out women too.

Although I still like women, I feel like a I've lost some attraction to them and I can barely get a boner to thoughts of them anymore. I've started to look at gay porn to check my arousal but now I get aroused by it again and I started to masturbate to it again and I feel disgusted about it. I left high school recently and I am so scared about this. I keep checking with men and women. Now I'm scared to have sex with a girl because I'm afraid that I won't be aroused. Whenever other guys talk about girls I get uncomfortable and I'm afraid to say that a girl is hot out loud, but I say it to myself when I see a hot girl.

Even now I'm shivering and I feel like killing myself. Am I gay or bisexual? I can't even imagine being with a man or loving one, yet whenever I check with gay porn I get turned on.

I want to ask out a girl that I like but now I'm afraid that I won't be aroused by her.

Am I gay or do I have hocd. I have visited websites run by gay people and some of them believe that because I masturbate to gay porn I am attracted to them, but I don't feel like that. I hate the boy who abused me sexually and made me experiment with other boys. I read a post about a guy who said that he felt uncomfortable calling girls hot and talking to guys about them and he said that he realized that he was gay. After reading that
I got so anxious I felt like dying.

I really need help. Thank you.

How have you found out that it's HOCD?

This does resemble HOCD, I think. That's due to the fact that you're extremely worried and obsessive about whether you're gay; gay people tend to be afraid of coming out of the closet and how the world would respond to them.

What also really stands out in your post is your way of thinking about being gay or bisexual. In your opinion, being gay is something wrong. You expect to sound more gay if you are turned on by men. That's not true. Whether you are gay or not, you are yourself and that's fine. What's the problem with being attracted to men and women? Or men only? I'm not saying here that you are gay or bisexual, but I would encourage you to work on your image of gay / bisexual people too. Once you realize that nothing is wrong with them, that it's all just natural and that if you're gay, you're not automatically the extrovert type, the fear will become less - automatically. Because you no longer fear being gay.

I would also encourage you to read obsessive-compulsive/topic103176.html, if you haven't done so yet. It's a great resource.

Lockheed

Thank you for replying.

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against LGBTQ people and I actively wish for them to be free and I hate bigotry. Personally, I just cannot see myself as being gay and the thought of me being gay gives me so much anxiety. Maybe because of the boy who abused when I was little?

I don't know if I have Hocd but I really need to know. Every time I see men I keep checking and I'm going crazy. I miss just being able to be aroused by seeing a woman's body. I remember playing God of war when I was younger and getting intense erections seeing the naked women. I miss that and I'm afraid that my sexuality has changed. Is that even possible?

It is not possible for your sexuality to change as it is predetermined before birth. However, it is possible that sexual desires that have long been suppressed, emerge. But that only happens whenever you actively tried to suppress those feelings due to your environment. In your case, you say that you are open towards gay people and that you actively wish that their environments will accept them. That makes me convinced that you haven't been suppressing any gay feelings, and that your sexuality has not 'changed'.

OCD is strong. It can make you believe anything. Yes, during my HOCD episode, I found it also getting harder day by day to get certain feelings for women. That's because of the fact that OCD takes over your entire life.

This post is really strong on the topic:

bendib wrote:No you can't. Listen carefully, this is OCD. Do NOT allow it to ruin your life.

Listen.
OCD can create intrusive thoughts and emotions
OCD can create false sexual arousal
OCD can suppress your feelings for others
OCD can even make you feel like you're pissing yourself all the time

OCD is fear. To conquer it, you must decide that you aren't going to entertain it anymore, even though it appears (and only appears, it's a lie) to have real dangers. OCD will try to trick you back into the game with severe, deep guilt trips, bursts of panic and fear, or false 'signs', but it's all bullsh!t. Remember that.

Read this: obsessive-compulsive/topic144944.html

PM me if you wish, I am always happy to reply, but it takes many hours sometimes.

Lockheed

Uhm, why is the fact that he was abused by a BOY when he was younger being ignored?
Many men who were abused as children by a fellow boy or man during his childhood result in having confused emotions and feelings for the gender that afflicted them .

If your first physical life experience of an orgasm (dopamine spike) was of that of a rape situation you will in some ways trigger a pavlovian response, which is a survival mechanism that helps us establish a connection to something that benefits us.
Sex is a huge beneficial survival mechanism and it spikes dopamine more than any kind of food, sugar, fat, drug available to man.
So when your first initial response of sex or idea of sex is with a rapist who happens to be another boy.
Your brain uses that as it's search out factor that in order to successfully have an orgasm you must search out that of what gave you it.

Now is this reversible .. yes.. but it takes celibacy for months (sometimes a year or more) to revert tastes to a natural response.
*mod edit - link to another forum removed*

djslanty wrote:Uhm, why is the fact that he was abused by a BOY when he was younger being ignored?
Many men who were abused as children by a fellow boy or man during his childhood result in having confused emotions and feelings for the gender that afflicted them .

If your first physical life experience of an orgasm (dopamine spike) was of that of a rape situation you will in some ways trigger a pavlovian response, which is a survival mechanism that helps us establish a connection to something that benefits us.
Sex is a huge beneficial survival mechanism and it spikes dopamine more than any kind of food, sugar, fat, drug available to man.
So when your first initial response of sex or idea of sex is with a rapist who happens to be another boy.
Your brain uses that as it's search out factor that in order to successfully have an orgasm you must search out that of what gave you it.

Now is this reversible .. yes.. but it takes celibacy for months (sometimes a year or more) to revert tastes to a natural response.
*mod edit - link to another forum removed*

Because this forum is about OCD and I was looking for things that resemble the disorder, that's why I never mentioned it, I guess. Moreover, I have no experience with abuse, so I can't say anything about the relationship between abuse and obsessive thoughts whatsoever, someone specialized should say more about that.

From his posts, though, I clearly recognize things that I see often when reading forum posts describing classical OCD situations. But one shouldn't exclude another, the abuse that was experienced could become a trigger for HOCD in a later phase of life.

Lockheed

Thanks for the responses.

I am so confused about porn and masturbating. When I masturbate to women it doesn't feel as good as it used to and sometimes I cannot even enjoy the experience and now I fear that I will never be able to enjoy it again. However I recently relapsed to gay porn to prove whether or not I'm gay and I experienced an intense ejaculation. I'm so confused now. I felt so dirty and disgusting while doing it and I had to force myself to watch the porn because of how scared I am of getting aroused by it.

Should I quit porn altogether? I tried but then my anxiety increased and I relapsed to straight and gay porn as a way of checking my orientation. I think I may have a masturbation addiction.

Someone please answer. I relapsed to gay porn again and I don't understand. I can masturbate to straight porn and it turns me on but it doesn't provide the rush that gay porn provides me now, although straight porn used to give me a rush. When I masturbate to gay porn I feel fear and disgust and I have to force myself to do it, so that my thoughts go away. I get these thoughts that make me want to check my sexuality and jack off to gay porn. Please I need help. Did my abuser alter my orientation? Did he make me gay? Even now I have a crush on a great girl and I want to love her yet straight porn is not turning me on as much as it once did. Please I am not homophobic but I'm so scared. Does gay porn determine sexual orientation?

Should I give up porn for a while or is this what I truly enjoy? Will I ever fully enjoy a woman again? Now when I watch straight porn I feel like I won't be turned on and as a result I don't get turned on.

Brian1997 wrote:Someone please answer. I relapsed to gay porn again and I don't understand. I can masturbate to straight porn and it turns me on but it doesn't provide the rush that gay porn provides me now, although straight porn used to give me a rush. When I masturbate to gay porn I feel fear and disgust and I have to force myself to do it, so that my thoughts go away. I get these thoughts that make me want to check my sexuality and jack off to gay porn. Please I need help. Did my abuser alter my orientation? Did he make me gay? Even now I have a crush on a great girl and I want to love her yet straight porn is not turning me on as much as it once did. Please I am not homophobic but I'm so scared. Does gay porn determine sexual orientation?

Should I give up porn for a while or is this what I truly enjoy? Will I ever fully enjoy a woman again? Now when I watch straight porn I feel like I won't be turned on and as a result I don't get turned on.

- STOP the porn! NOW! It gives the illusion of relief when you orgasm, but behind the scenes it is causing all sorts of problems. When you suffer anxiety, as you clearly do, what kind of porn you watch doesn't determine a damn thing. People who become addicted to porn, watch more and more different kinds of porn because there brain needs newer stimulus to feed off of - to get them off.

Did my abuser alter my orientation? Did he make me gay?

Abuse at a young age is going to cause harm. Men and women who have suffered so have gone on to painful odysseys in which they have expressed themselves in different sexual ways. But it will not change your sexual orientation. No matter what your fears are now, or how you take care of the anxiety get help for this abuse you suffered.

Otter.