The worst plague I've had: Cheating OCD

Hey guys, I had a really bad day yesterday. And my ocd right now is off the walls.

First off, my bf and I got into a huge fight over the dumbest thing. My mom bought some munchies for him to keep in his room along with a gift card, and I brought it inside and I put it somewhere that I don't remember. Well, his guardians are out of town and they bought snacks for their trip, and we think they took the bag because he couldn't find it and I can't even remember where I would have put it. Long story short, we got into a huge fight because he told me I need to be responsible and all of this stuff, and we fought all night about it. And he was asking me if I'm unhappy with him and all of this. I am happy with him and it's just annoying when we fight because nothing gets solved. And then he proceeded to tell me he didn't want me to come pick him up from work and to not see him today.

I understand that I can be more responsible. He always gets on me because I'll forget some of my stuff at his house, like little things. Like my work shoes or my make up case, you'll find some of my socks laying around his room but I didn't think it was an issue. And when he didn't respond last night, I was crying and I was sad I didn't want us to break up I didn't want to lose him, and then my ocd keeps in and doubted everything and was like you don't deserve that, you deserve better and making me have thoughts about him being with someone else, him leaving me. I talked to our friend and I worried I was being a bad gf for venting about it, worried I was bad mouthing him and then I felt like a bad person for talking about how I feel and obsessed about that. My ocd just fed off of this fight. I even apologized to my boyfriend bc I can tell he was hurting and I just wanted to make things right, but ugh...luckily I see my counselor tomorrow. She told me were gonna talk about ocd more and I plan on talking about my obsession with my relationship too.

sorry, I had to let this out. It was bugging me last night that I just watched tv and didn't wanna touch my phone. But, remember, that's usually what ocd does to you. You'll obsess over something but when you see that person, it goes away and you're calm. Mine does that, but only sometimes. I too go through the whole checking other people out. Is your girlfriend insecure? Or are you insecure? Those always play factors in why sometimes we look at other people to find attraction in them. Rememeber, thinking someone is good looking is not cheating. You're not wanting to date them, you just think they are a good looking human being and nothing more! I can promise you she does the same...everyone does it. It's human nature to be attracted to other people. And also, maybe it's not in your character to notice other women but since your mind is at an anxious state, you'll notice people differently. Does that help at all? Its good you're calm, love your girlfriend and embrace her!

lockheed, are these thoughts obsessive? Are you worrying about it constantly, Analyzing your relationship at every angle about little tiny details? Scared of losing your gf? Fearing what could happen of you two were to split or having doubts of love? If you said yes to the majority, that is signs of rocd. And remember, you have ocd. So try to remember what is your brain and what is in your heart.

Hope everyone has a good day, I'll probably be on this afternoon. I shouldn't but I'm getting a coffee today.

Hey guys sorry for the late reply, I had a busy night last night and was unable to reply but I hope you are both doing well. Fireworkeyes I'm sorry to hear that you and your boyfriend have been clashing heads lately but guess what? ITS NORMAL . Just remember that OCD tries to trick us into believe that "anything and everything" is a sign that something's either not right or that we have done something. Don't be too hard on yourself about the junk food and gift card, you have a lot of emotional stress and as well as your OCD messing with you so I think anyone could see how that could interfere with memory! I'd just try to politely apologize to your boyfriend but also remind him that your OCD is acting up and ask him to just support you. I've noticed one of the best thing my girlfriend does is if I tell her that my OCD is acting up she'll immediately snuggle up to me and start talking me through it and comfort me, it really helps. Another thing, this forum is for the brutal honest truth and by no means are you bad mouthing him, you are simply stating what is going on and how it is making your OCD spike which is understandable. Never be afraid to share something on here in fear as this is what it is for. To be honest with you I think your boyfriend may have been having a really rough day as he got that upset over the gift card thing, I wouldn't take it personal or look to much into it. My advice to you would be is to try and do something really sweet for him, cook him something that he really loves or buy him some of his favorite candy and take it to him. Just try to be over the top sweet and I garauntee you all this will pass and you'll be back to where you guys were. Now here's another suggestion but if it makes your OCD spike to the point you can't do this then DISREGARD what I'm about to say, why not try to challenge your OCD and write him a love note telling him how you truly feel about him? After you do that go where ever his car is and leave it in his windshield wipers and let him find it.


Well my OCD yesterday started acting up last night when I was with her and she immediately knew something was wrong and kept asking me what's wrong? I finally caved in and told her and she reassured me then we cuddled up and fell asleep. Everything was good for the rest of the night, we cooked dinner together and watched tv and cuddled with our belly's full. Everything was great until I woke up this morning, I could feel my heart racing and I could feel my thoughts racing. I had a nightmare that during the first 6 months of our relationship I was texting this other girl saying sexually flirty things and in my dream it was like an other of body experience, I could see myself doing it. I woke up scared and sad and immediately tried to calm myself down. My anxiety last night was again wrapped around the subject of did I upload "suggestive pictures of her online" and did I try and send "suggestive pictures" of myself online to other women. It sucks but if I can distract myself or when I am with her I am fine. I just want to go back to where these thoughts never crossed my mind. My anxiety makes it worse by saying "You're feeling guilt so obviously you did all these things and are just having trouble coping with it, you did all this to your girlfriend you love and betrayed her." It kills me to think all this and sometimes it's hard to believe all this could be anxiety.

Hey guys! Sorry for no post yesterday, I was not doing so well and I needed some time away from the internet. I kept googling my symptoms and it was getting to be too much so I couldn't stand looking things up on my phone.

So...tonight is the happiest I have ever been in my life. At first, my boyfriend and I were not getting along, but we worked passed our differences and he did some really romantic things for me and I actually really enjoyed myself! Although doubt crawled through my head a little, I ended up feeling very lovey to him and it felt great. I almost feel...normal? I'm beating my ocd, and it feels great to prove my mind wrong. Of course, I feel doubt like I only feel this cause I'm happy, or I'm faking it or everything we did earlier together means nothing to me. I have decided to live in the moment. Not label myself as anything. Not worrying about typical love words and focusing on what would make me happy. Tomorrow I see my bf again and we agreed to watch a movie we both like and lunch will be on me.

I did have some scary intrusvie thoughts though tonight, that I did shake away thank god. I looked into something that happened on the news, and it was on my news feed and it was a weird but interesting topic. Sadly, a couple died in my state by a murder/suicide. And I read part of the article, and I had to stop myself. I started having thoughts about if I did that to myself, if I would hurt him and it was bad. Then I remembered he has a pocket knife he keeps downstairs (pretty sure he uses it to open his packages in the mail) and I had some thoughts about that and worried. But, I know I'm worrying because I don't want those thoughts there and I'd never hurt my boyfriend!

But besides that...today has been good. Hopefully tomorrow will treat me good too!

So you're saying, you're dream kind of gave you some intrusive thoughts about if you've cheated in your girlfriend in that sort? My therapist gave me the best advice the other day about these thoughts. When you're worrying that you did something or do something, it's the thought of you acting these things that are giving you this anxiety. The more frequent and the more you fight it, the stronger it gets. So remember, if the thought of you doing that is disturbing, it means you didn't do it. Always remember. You would have known if you would do that and I can promise you you've never done that. It's because you love your girlfriend and it's because you love her, that your ocd loves to target her. Ocd will make these things feel real, believe me. The feeling of numbness next to my boyfriend bugs me so much, but when I allow it to be there and just let the thought go, I feel happy with him. Don't let your ocd get in the way of those precious moments with your lover. Remember, you are a faithful and loving boyfriend and your ocd is trying to ruin what you have.

Now my question for you, is are you on meds? If so, how does the meds work for you and any side effects?

Debating on going on meds so it could help me with my obsessions so I can be normal again.

How are you doing today?

Hey fireworkeyes glad to hear back from you. I'm glad that you and your boyfriend had a great time yesterday and that you were able to put your OCD in the back of your mind and enjoy the moment. I am also glad that you are on a high streak and that you are able to keep your OCD at bay for the time being. Regarding your question about medication when I first met my girlfriend I had a bad bout with ROCD fearing whether I loved her or not and after a month of dating I broke down and told her all about my OCD, luckily one of her older brothers struggled with OCD and so she was understanding. After breaking down and telling her everything I went to a psychiatrist who prescribed me Welbutrin 150mg and for the next two years it seemed to work okay but there were times when my OCD would come back and I would obsess about other things. After I got off my Welbutrin I discovered it is not used for anxiety disorders it is used for depression and can actually make your anxiety worse. I was extremely agitated and after getting off of it I realized that my anxiety got worse. I am now on Klonopin which is very similar to Xanax which basically all they do is take care of anxiety as it was happening. Klonopin tends to last longer than Xanax but when I take it I can feel it kick in and I can feel it working. The only downside to these two is that people abuse them and they can be addictive, i've never had a problem with either because only use it like I should and don't have a problem getting off of it. If I were you I would talk to your therapist about trying out SSRIs which are generally used to treat anxiety and help improve OCD, I've been on quite a few of them over the year and can say they do help!

Right now my anxiety is acting up bad, I keep getting these images in my head when I would Think your girl is attractive and how I would lust after her even though I have a girlfriend. Grant you I would never act on these thoughts but the fact that I knew some of these people I would see and lust after is driving me crazy. I keep thinking to myself how could I think that way when I have a girlfriend who I love very much and who loves me dearly. It really sucks because I have a clear memory of looking at these girls and thinking these thoughts and it kills me now looking back to Think I could have these thoughts while having a girlfriend. I literally feel like I'm not normal and that any normal and real boyfriend wouldn't have these thoughts about other girls sometimes. I'm literally terrified to feel any attraction to anyone else right now because I'm afraid of the thoughts. Like I said before these are just thoughts and not me acting on them but it still makes me feel guilty that I had these thoughts and at the Time I didn't feel guilty. It really bugs me thinking how can I be in a serious relationship with a girl that I love more than myself or anyone else and still have these thoughts whenever I see an attractive girl I know. Ugh.

Hey, ocdfanatic22, sorry for the lack of updates. I worked till close and an all day shift, then went to my friends house and out to dinner and was too tired to pick up my phone. I now know what I suffer from is ROCD. And it's so bitter sweet. I basically have negative thoughts that are the exact opposite if what I want to feel. I just had a really real dream that my boyfriend broke up with me, apparently he just couldn't take it anymore and cut it off and I was so devestated In my dream. The whole time I was crying and asking people why did he do this. I looked it up, and it means I truly want to be with him. In all of my dreams with him, it reflects how happy I am with him and that ending it wouldn't make me happy. So because I am so concentrated on trying to feel something, worried he isn't what I want, having intrusive thoughts about him, really shows I love him and I don't want it to end. And it feels good, maybe this dream can help me with my rocd? What are your thoughts?

Also, thank you for your response on the medication. I think meds will help me get back on track, because lately it's hard to function. The only reason why I'm so iffy is because of the addiction aspect and the side effects. Did you have any?

I understand what you're going through. When I see an attractive guy, I feel bad for looking at them. You're in a relationship, why on earth would you think those things? Sometimes, we think these certain things, and just label em as a thought. I've done the same, having weird thoughts like that but I know they're just thoughts. Your girlfriend probably has had it happen to her too. Right now, you're fearing attraction to women. That's a good thing. It's bitter sweet, but this means you don't wanna think those things about anyone else other than your girlfriend. Are you anxious now when you see an attractive woman? Have you ever thought that the reason why you didn't feel guilty is because you know you'd never act on those thoughts? Its normal to find attraction in other people. Look at models for example, I have a friend who loves tattoo models and latex models. He calls them hot all the time. He has a girlfriend he's madly in love with. It's okay to find other woman attractive just as long as you don't act on things. Maybe focus on making your girlfriend feel beautiful. Buy her something nice that she can wear. Make her feel beautiful. Also, if you ever see an attractive girl think: Yes, you are an attractive human being. By doing that, you are only focusing on the attractive part, not having a relationship with this person or anything like that. You can only think one thought at a time. If you have an intrusive thought that is sexual with this person, let the thought be there. Reacting to it will only make it stronger, make you feel worse and making you believe you wanna act on these thoughts. This is your ocd. Remember, ocd loves to target your girlfriend because you love her so much. Keep making her feel important. I understand how hard it is, but your ocd is just trying to remind you how important she is to you and it's being bully. Bullies never win though! I hope you feel better after what I wrote. I go through the same thing every day. You will get through this.

It's been quite some time since my last post here, sorry about that. Been quite busy and wasn't in the mood too, sorry about that.

The last few days have been quite weird. There's still those doubts that my girlfriend doesn't love me, then doubts that I don't love her. What confuses me even more is that what I feel is not equal to what I expected of being in love. She is my first girlfriend and the first girl who reciprocated my feelings, so there's still a lot of checking against my expectations of love and relationships. Guess this is fuel on the fire for my OCD. The case is that I feel no fireworks. Yes, I want to spend time with my girlfriend. Yes, I was excited as heck when I could see her again after quite some time. Yes, I feel sad for not being able to have quite a lot of we-time recently (I got my exams, she's got hers now - until Thursday). Yes, whenever she says cute things I smile all over my face. I saw her on Friday; yes, I couldn't stop smiling in the train back home next to her. Yes, I am absolutely sure that I do not want anyone else - all I want is to be with her. Yes, time passes too fast whenever I am with her. Plus, I forget about all stressful situations and problems whenever I am with her. Yes, I like her a lot too - and find her physically attractive. Yes, we have no awkwardness between us - we can just lie down being silent and still enjoy our time together. Et cetera. But there are no fireworks. I expected love to be equal to being obsessive about someone - thinking all the time about her, a lot of butterflies, no eating, no sleep. I understand that this is merely what you feel when you don't know yet that she likes you - and yes, I experienced those feelings during the two weeks after our first kiss and our first date. But since then, they got less, and a happy, steady feeling got in the place. Of comfort. I'm not saying that there is no passion, as there is - quite a lot, actually. We're not brother and sister, but, as said, there are no fireworks. I'm content with it and do not want anything else, but it's my OCD that keeps questioning whether ...this is what love should be. And as I have no past relationships to compare my feelings with, it's an infinitely deep tank of gasoline that the fire known as OCD uses. What do you guys think? What would be better for a long-term relationship: crazy passion and head-over-heels love, where you can't stop thinking about someone all day long, or this happy, comfortable and (very!!!) safe feeling (especially when I'm with her), which I feel now (and am quite glad with it)?

(Now that I write this down, actually, I think what dumb it is to doubt that this does not is what I want, but hey, that's the OCD that can't stop make you doubt. What is more evidence for it being OCD to me is that the doubts keep switching from "does she love me?" to "do I love her?" all day, with short time intervals between them. I also feel anxious about them, and I guess I wouldn't have felt fear if I didn't love my girl)

Lockheed

Hey Lockheed! Glad to finally hear back from you. It's seems t me you're experiencing ROCD. You're having constant doubts about your relationship. I'm sadly in the same boat as you. Remember, this is your ocd. To me, you do sound like you wanna be with this person and she makes you happy. So because you choose to stay with her, even throughout your doubts, she's obviously someone you want to stay with and continue to love.

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. For quite some time, we've been head over heels for each other. We go through periods where we are more friends than lovers. And then we go through times where he just wanted to be around friends, but when we got our time together, we were in love. Being in a relationship, you build a connection, love and friendship for each other. How long have you been seeing your gf?

Also, love is not just a feeling, but a choice. But since you are OCD, Remember, if you're constantly worrying about if you love this person, you're not gonna have time to feel that for them. I went through a period during this time where it was so hard to feel for my bf, but once you let the doubt be there, it becomes easier to express your love to your partner!

My advice to you is take it one day at a time. My therapist tells me that every day. Live in the moment. Don't worry about what tomorrow will bring you, focus on your day, the moment and always remember why you continue fighting for the one you love.

I've been seeing her for 6 months now. The ROCD ruminations were there from the beginning, and there were periods that I felt completely numb (I know that's a symptom of OCD). It's just not the extreme fireworks that I expected that are there, it's just a happy, safe, good feeling to be with her. More than on a friendship level, that's for sure to me. But still, I fear that due to the fact I had no fireworks, this will fail. (common theme in OCD, lol, crap)

Lockheed

What I just remember is that between our first kiss and the two weeks after (then we had our first date) I had all the signs... no appetite, sleep, whatsoever. But also this OCD if I really liked her. So I think the OCD numbed down the being heads over heels thingy.

I'm not quitting the relationship. That's for sure, as we have a great time together on more than a friendship level. I don't see her as a mother or a sister too. But it's weird to me that I got into this warm, happy, comfy state without having these fireworks first. And that's where the OCD kicks in with its intolerance of uncertainty.

Whenever I read this: http://rocd.net/rocd-and-cognitive-models-of-ocd/ speaking about a feeling of: wow, that's me. I recognize all the cognitive processes written there and see that I'm like that. So I guess that's where I should start working on myself

Lockheed

I'm not quitting the relationship. That's for sure, as we have a great time together on more than a friendship level. I don't see her as a mother or a sister too. But it's weird to me that I got into this warm, happy, comfy state without having these fireworks first. And that's where the OCD kicks in with its intolerance of uncertainty.

I think you've answered your problems right there. You are in fact having ROCD. Which is really bitter sweet. It all just feels so real sometimes, and it gets annoying.

Take it one day at a time. c: