The worst plague I've had: Cheating OCD

This is literally my 3rd time typing out what I want to say, haha. My phone kept clicking out and deleted everything I wrote so here goes nothing:

Ocdfanatic22, talking about my past did not make me spike at all...in fact it made me realize some important traits that I need to work on myself and I will explain later in my post!

But for now, I can see your struggling again and having urges to check to see if you really did in fact cheat on your girlfriend. I'm going to give you reassurance and some things that helped me deal with my cheating ocd.

1. It is a very good thing your girlfriend is keeping your laptop battery. By trying to dig deep into your computer history, you're giving into your compulsions thus creating more anxiety. And I understand because your guilt is eating you alive, but understand this is your ocd. And by doing your compulsion, you're only giving yourself brief reassurance before something else comes up.

2. This thought came out of the blue. Randomly, after having 2 years of a perfect relationship. It was a blurb and it was something that revolved around the opposite sex. It didn't indicate what was said, when or who it was with. It just shows a brief indication that it could have been flirty. Have you ever thought that maybe...just maybe this happened before you two got serious? Or maybe this conversation was just playful? When I thought I flirted with another guy, I was devestated. But, talking about what happened helped me figure out that my intentions were to not flirt. And my memory of it was just a vague as yourabouts. I realized, it was just a joke, whatever we were talking about. Because the memory is so vague, it reveals the sort of importance it has. So remember, it's not as important as you think.

3. Another good reassurance tip: if you weren't guilting about it 2 months ago, it's not real. If this wasn't an issue on Halloween, July 22st, or on your birthday, it shows that you have no reason to be guilting about whatever went on. Remember when your anxiety is low and you feel at peace, you can and will get there again. That's something that helps me feel better.

4. Accept the thought. Let it be there. If you show its not important, it will slowly linger away. And it's not a bad thing. You need to find the trust again in yourself that you once held. You trusted yourself this far, leave the past in the past. Realize that you love what you have and learn from it. Don't let your ocd come in between with what you love and what you both have work toward. By the sounds of it, you've seeked reassurance from people you knew from the site and they said nothing bad. That also should indicate that you did nothing wrong.

It's hard going though this, and I hope you know I feel like you did nothing wrong. You fear you did this. Ocd feeds off of fear. Try drinking tea, going on walks and doing some hypnosis tapes on youtube. It truly helps. And keep posting on this forum. It helps just talking about how you feel.

I went over to my boyfriend's house today and we had a very good conversation. I found out he struggled with some of the same issues that I have gone through. So when I really thought that he didn't understand...he really did. And that's why he never got mad at me. Because he went through similar situations. And it helps because all along this could have ended awhile ago but oh well. I did end up telling him how I feel and he took it pretty well. We are still together and he offered for us to go on a 3 day break, still together and we would talk on Thursday so we could plan out our plans for the tattoo convention, but I said no. I didn't want to because I was scared. My ocd was feeding into it like I was going to find out I liked not talking to him and I was better off without him. I know for a fact that I couldn't have went a day. I'd go to bed feeling like crap. I felt awful though, and I just cried and he held me and it felt good. I apologized and I told him I promised we would get through this and everything will be okay and I made him promise to never let me leave him. He made me smile a lot tonight and I kept seeing if I thought he was attractive and boy...I seriously was like, yep my man is a hot one, haha.

It's weird though because everytime after we have sex, I feel fine. And my mind is just clear and I could run a marathon. Like I'm happy and everything is peachy keen. I mean I've had times where I wanted to cry and I've been mad at him, but lately it's made me happy. Is that a good thing? I also struggled with tonight saying that I love him...I don't know why. But...after I stopped doubting and giving it power, I felt okay. And I felt like I meant it! So I realize the more power I give this, the more real it is.

I know this all started off of a thought with no real reason. So, this could in fact be all in my head and I really hope so. Because I'm fighting it and I told him how I feel about it and he's really supportive. I also agreed to work on the whole tattoo model thing. It is selfish and controlive of me to tell him he can't follow tattoo models on tumblr because it's like he's setting himself up and he knows how it upsets me. He has a good point that he loves me, he's with me, coming home to me and thinks I'm beautiful. I mean it still bugs me but that's only because I haven't started building confidence up. So I will work on this, and hopefully I'll gain it in no time. I'm just a jealous girlfriend!

I'm hoping this really is ocd, and thank you for telling me it is. It all started off of a thought. Out of no where. And I panicked at first and it started to escalate into something new every time. If I was to end it, idk why I would. My mind keeps saying I don't feel the same sometimes buts like....well yeah I don't feel the same, you're messing with me but I can confidently still say I'm in love with who I'm dating and I still feel the same things for him. My stomach is in knots when I say that but like when I first had the thought, I had no idea why it came into my head. So like any ocd, it's creating issues that weren't ever there. But...the cool thing is I don't have to listen to these thoughts if I don't want to.

Just remember the less importance you give these suckers, the less alarming it feels. Hope you feel better, ocdfanatic22. It means a lot that you think I really do love my bf, want to be with him and that you have faith. It truly means a lot and I know what you're going through is so rough, but remember the things I told you. If I got through it, you will too. You will appreciate what you have, and you'll win the fight!

Lockheed, I'm happy to hear that you can confidently say you're happy with your loved one. That is a sign of ocd that yes, that is your primary feeling and you can and will get there again if you're having any doubts. It's good your girlfriend is so supportive with what you're going though and understanding. It seems we all have a very supportive group of people and it's amazing what kind of hope I get from this forum.

For the both of you, how is the anxiety going for ya? Any new spikes? Please tell!

I

I went over to my boyfriend's house today and we had a very good conversation. I found out he struggled with some of the same issues that I have gone through. So when I really thought that he didn't understand...he really did. And that's why he never got mad at me. Because he went through similar situations. And it helps because all along this could have ended awhile ago but oh well. I did end up telling him how I feel and he took it pretty well. We are still together and he offered for us to go on a 3 day break, still together and we would talk on Thursday so we could plan out our plans for the tattoo convention, but I said no. I didn't want to because I was scared. My ocd was feeding into it like I was going to find out I liked not talking to him and I was better off without him. I know for a fact that I couldn't have went a day. I'd go to bed feeling like crap. I felt awful though, and I just cried and he held me and it felt good. I apologized and I told him I promised we would get through this and everything will be okay and I made him promise to never let me leave him. He made me smile a lot tonight and I kept seeing if I thought he was attractive and boy...I seriously was like, yep my man is a hot one, haha.

It's weird though because everytime after we have sex, I feel fine. And my mind is just clear and I could run a marathon. Like I'm happy and everything is peachy keen. I mean I've had times where I wanted to cry and I've been mad at him, but lately it's made me happy. Is that a good thing? I also struggled with tonight saying that I love him...I don't know why. But...after I stopped doubting and giving it power, I felt okay. And I felt like I meant it! So I realize the more power I give this, the more real it is.

I know this all started off of a thought with no real reason. So, this could in fact be all in my head and I really hope so. Because I'm fighting it and I told him how I feel about it and he's really supportive. I also agreed to work on the whole tattoo model thing. It is selfish and controlive of me to tell him he can't follow tattoo models on tumblr because it's like he's setting himself up and he knows how it upsets me. He has a good point that he loves me, he's with me, coming home to me and thinks I'm beautiful. I mean it still bugs me but that's only because I haven't started building confidence up. So I will work on this, and hopefully I'll gain it in no time. I'm just a jealous girlfriend!

I'm hoping this really is ocd, and thank you for telling me it is. It all started off of a thought.

Well I'm glad you told your boyfriend no about the break, thats not good for your OCD you need to face this head on and tell it that it won't control (I need to take my own advice). Whenever two humans have sex the brain is flooded with serotonin and dopamine which are two chemicals that are responsible for feeling really good. A lot of times OCD can be caused my an chemical imbalance in the brain which one of which being a lack of a serotonin, so when you have sex the high from the climax I guess could be compensating for the lack of it and making your brain chemistry level again. Dont quote me on that to anyone as its just a theory but I do know that the part about lack of serotonin is true and how sex releases it lol. Also have you ever noticed you're a little sleepy after sex? Its because the physical work makes you tired but also your brain secretes melatonin into the body which makes you want to sleep, all these hormones being secreted are most likely responsible for making your anxiety go down as your brain chemistry is back in check, you have a feel good hormone, and you're drowsy (ever notice you don't tend to worry as much when you're sleepy)?

About your thoughts still persisting if there's one thing that I have learned from Anxiety and OCD it tends to feed on the unanswerable questions. It tends to feed off of the questions only WE know the answers too, and being the doubting disease it is it makes us second guess ourselves. You're inlove with your boyfriend and sometimes the best thing you can do is just NOT THINK; easier said than done but I've noticed when I try to distract myself and not think (like when I'm working) and focusing on boxes (I have the most interesting job in the world I know lol) I tend to feel a lot better. You just have to find a way to try and accept the thoughts but go on without, which is hard when they scare you I know. You've got this!

About my anxiety, well last night was GREAT. I was watching TV with my dad and my girlfriend who was out of town was having fun with her family so we both kind of did our own thing last night but called each other at the end of the night. I woke up fine and then BOOM anxiety strikes back round 2 :/. This time its focusing on things that I know happened in our relationship but where technically out of my control. First off like I told you I am in college and I was in a math class where everyone did their own work on assigned computers. Well this one girl next to me always needed help and she would turn to me for help, naturally I would help her and that would be in end of it. Well slowly she started talking to me more and more about her personal life and about how she "went out of town to see her ex boyfriend while she was dating her current one but NOTHING HAPPENED." By the way she was acting towards me it was obvious she was lying so I told her to her face I could tell she was lying, she looked stunned and said "OMG how did you know?!" Well it ended up with her almost everyday me helping her with math and at one point she said "Thank you so much I'm going to bring you Starbucks one of these days as a thank you", me not thinking anything of it was like ok sure. Well she slowly quit coming and never brought me starbucks (I figured she wouldn't) but one day she did something when she came back I never thought she would do. When she came back she squatted down to ask me a question, when she did my arm was on my leg so her boobs where pratically resting on my forearm. I froze because I didn't know what to do and as she asked me the question I just answered and I think I moved my arm and thats what I told my bestfriend and my girlfriend. Looking back in panicking thinking what if I didn't move my arm and what If I actually enjoyed the attention from her ect. It's eating at me and I can't stop it it makes me think if you didn't move your arm why didn't you?! It was on my forearm but its not like I asked her to do it

It sucks that you have had such a bad day, OCDFanatic. But hey, read your message again! It clearly shows that you're seeking for reassurance, the compulsion crap again. Here, you have something for your rationalization-and-hey-I-rationalized-it-technique again:

Cheating is whenever YOU get interested in somebody. Want to know them better on a physical and emotional level. And then act on it.

This is clearly not the case! I hope that you will feel better anytime soon.

My day was already a lot calmer. I still do have some anxiety and compulsions, but it's going the good way again. I've been reading a lot of scientific literature over the past 48 hours to be able to clearly distinguish between limerence (which was my issue) and ROCD. I wrote a topic about that yesterday.

Lockheed

About my anxiety, well last night was GREAT. I was watching TV with my dad and my girlfriend who was out of town was having fun with her family so we both kind of did our own thing last night but called each other at the end of the night. I woke up fine and then BOOM anxiety strikes back round 2 :/. This time its focusing on things that I know happened in our relationship but where technically out of my control. First off like I told you I am in college and I was in a math class where everyone did their own work on assigned computers. Well this one girl next to me always needed help and she would turn to me for help, naturally I would help her and that would be in end of it. Well slowly she started talking to me more and more about her personal life and about how she "went out of town to see her ex boyfriend while she was dating her current one but NOTHING HAPPENED." By the way she was acting towards me it was obvious she was lying so I told her to her face I could tell she was lying, she looked stunned and said "OMG how did you know?!" Well it ended up with her almost everyday me helping her with math and at one point she said "Thank you so much I'm going to bring you Starbucks one of these days as a thank you", me not thinking anything of it was like ok sure. Well she slowly quit coming and never brought me starbucks (I figured she wouldn't) but one day she did something when she came back I never thought she would do. When she came back she squatted down to ask me a question, when she did my arm was on my leg so her boobs where pratically resting on my forearm. I froze because I didn't know what to do and as she asked me the question I just answered and I think I moved my arm and thats what I told my bestfriend and my girlfriend. Looking back in panicking thinking what if I didn't move my arm and what If I actually enjoyed the attention from her ect. It's eating at me and I can't stop it it makes me think if you didn't move your arm why didn't you?! It was on my forearm but its not like I asked her to do it

Hey! So I can see your cheating OCD is now moving to other things that you've never worried about before, which was the same thing for me. My mind frantically searched for all of the things I could have possibly done wrong, and I can tell you, I've been in the same position as you. My story is that a guy messaged me on Facebook and he was like, "Let's go see a movie, I'm bored." I didn't understand why, because we never talked. I avoided the question because I didn't wanna be like, "Back off jerk, I have a boyfriend." So I just tried to change gears and I was like, "I feel ya. I have no social life." (At the time, it was hard for me to see my boyfriend because my parents didn't like me "alone" at his house). He then said, oh you have a bf, my bad haha. And I just said it's okay, haha. Like...twice. I now look back at it and was like, "Why the hell didn't I just say I have a boyfriend? Would have made the issue so much easier for me and less guilt. My mind then proceeded to try to figure out if I was flirting, if I really wanted to go out with this guy, if I would have dated him, ect, ect. I felt major guilt. So talking about it helped, because I then realized, I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't cheat, I didn't go to the movie, imply that I wanted to, I just simply wanted to avoid the question: WHICH IS A GOOD THING!

The real issue is, you know you did this. You now look back at it and go, why the hell did I even do that? Why did I let that happen? People change and we grow. It's obvious that at the time, you were frazzled. You didn't want to date that girl or have any physical contact with her like that, she's just a peer. Just a person you see everyday at school. So...that can help eliminate the fear factor. The fact that you even froze and you didn't know what to do, you kind of just let it happen, shows that you just didn't know what to do, that's so awkward, you know? If YOU didn't want that to happen (which is obvious) you didn't do anything in the cheating sort.

I had a time where this guy put his hands on hips to get around me at work, and I was like holy $#%^ why did that happen? And I panicked, like I questioned if I felt butterflies, if I liked it, but I didn't ask for it to happen. He was simply moving around me to go to the cash register at work. Things like that happen, and it's okay to trust yourself because it wasn't your fault that she did that. You will frantically try to search to see if something bad really has happened, so be prepared for a whole wave storm of issues to come flying into your head.

But remember, when you start to obsess, worry and analyze the issue you're having, if you didn't feel this or worry about it before, you did nothing wrong and it's simply just your anxiety. I got through this cheating OCD, and you will too. It just takes time.

Well I'm glad you told your boyfriend no about the break, thats not good for your OCD you need to face this head on and tell it that it won't control (I need to take my own advice). Whenever two humans have sex the brain is flooded with serotonin and dopamine which are two chemicals that are responsible for feeling really good. A lot of times OCD can be caused my an chemical imbalance in the brain which one of which being a lack of a serotonin, so when you have sex the high from the climax I guess could be compensating for the lack of it and making your brain chemistry level again. Dont quote me on that to anyone as its just a theory but I do know that the part about lack of serotonin is true and how sex releases it lol. Also have you ever noticed you're a little sleepy after sex? Its because the physical work makes you tired but also your brain secretes melatonin into the body which makes you want to sleep, all these hormones being secreted are most likely responsible for making your anxiety go down as your brain chemistry is back in check, you have a feel good hormone, and you're drowsy (ever notice you don't tend to worry as much when you're sleepy)?

I thought about doing the 3 day break, just because like he said, it could show how much I still want him and to appreciate him. But...I was scared that that it would make me realize how much I don't need him and how I'd be fine without him. He said we would still be together and in a relationship, but I would just get to figure out what I needed to work on myself. It was a risk I didn't want to take. I didn't wanna go 3 days without talking. He seems to be doing fine with the whole situation. And I felt awful because when I was crying, I really felt like I needed to tell him I didn't wanna be with him. And it hurt A LOT. And I think it really does hurt because I love him a lot. I told him I was sorry I felt this way, and he told me it's okay and I just thought about how it would feel to just go home and know he's not mine anymore. And that was something that I knew going home, I'd be sad and I would probably call back and wanna get back together. So that's why I don't wanna end things, because I don't know what would happen. We did get intimate and I threw some of it out the window, just so I could relax and enjoy myself. I was high on emotion, that any thought I was having, was ruining what I wanted to concentrate. I just wanted to enjoy myself and be connected with him. Which I could feel it. I remember looking up at him and just smiling and it felt good, because I know in my heart I love that face. I love looking at him. lol...I just started crying. Idk why, thinking about that made me so emotional. I remember having trouble wanting to say I love him during it too. I felt like if I said it, it would make me out to be this liar. I was doubting I loved him. I remember telling him he was my best friend, because he is. And he said you're my love. And I said it back, but I felt like I was lying. Then I worried I was looking at him as just a friend now, not my lover. Eventually that kind of faded and I realize when I worry about the smaller things, they tend to disappear. But after it was all done, I felt fine. And I'm never tired after sex, which is weird. Like I had moments where it wasn't in my head, but I know the harder I try to push it out, the harder it is to deal with and the more real it feels.

I never wanted to feel this way...ever. And I'm glad he's very understanding and is supportive. But I feel so depressed...wondering if this is what I really want. But I don't wanna make the mistake of ending something with so much potential. I love him so much. I know I'm in love with him. I wish I would have never had these doubts, because my life could be happy and I would be excited to think about my future with him. I don't understand where all of these emotions come from. I'm really scared this is how I actually feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm just making up excuses. But walking away from something so real is so hard to do. I never thought i'd feel this way. And I hate the argument that people change. Feelings change. But they don't just change over night, over no reason what so ever. When I was going through my HOCD period, I remember looking at photos of us when we went to the state fair, and I was so happy. We had such a good time, and I just cried looking at them. I wanted that life back. And anything is fixable when you put your mind to it, and I'm fighting this so hard because I know just by yesterday, I know how hard it would be for me to walk away.

These feelings just happened one day, and I do blame the whole HOCD, making me become less attracted to him and all of a sudden feeling the need to leave him. But, I overcame that, and went back to my cheating OCD and I just wanted everything to stop. I felt awful, undeserving and what not. Myself 3 months ago, could have told you how my boyfriend is the best boyfriend in the entire world.

I think this is so hard, because I'm so fixated on one thing, that I really just don't want to be true. And it's hard, because I love him so ######6 much. He's been everything to me. We've been through so much, and he's given me so much happiness, that I'm holding on. I'm in love with him as a person, and his heart is so huge. I would hate to see someone else replace me. I don't want to leave him, I know I really don't. I think about 2 years ago, he came over to my house for the first time. He wasn't allowed in my room, but we hung out and watched music videos and it was such a blast. I can assure you, a year ago, I was probably getting ready to go over to his house. We always hung out on Sundays, chilled in bed and just talked. I'd KILL to go back and relive those moments.

I can't leave him for no ######6 reason, that's letting this all win and it feels SO ######6 real, I just want it to stop. Why do I break down and cry everytime I think about leaving him? Because I want to or because it makes me sad, thinking about it? I just don't know. And whenever I'm not thinking about it, I have to test myself to see if I can say it confidently. I almost feel like I have to think about it.

I texted my friend today, and I was just talking about how i wanna talk about moving in with my bf (after MONTHS of planning). I also really wanted to see him today, wishing I didn't have to work. I woke up this morning around 6am and texted him. I was just wishing for him to be with me and just kiss me on my forehead and what not.

I have a slight glimmer of hope. I don't have to make a decision right now. I can live in the moment. I know I'm going to wait until therapy to figure out whats going on with me. And if I do come back with being diagnosed OCD, I can finally be like, "Thank god, this isn't me." In my head, it's so easy to know I love him, and I wanna hold his hand, be happy, smile and laugh. That's the happy ever after I want. Not this depressing ######6 #######4 I'm dealing with. Before it was just a thought and a worry, with no reason behind it, to becoming a full out panic attack. I don't wanna let it win, but it's consuming me.

My job isn't any better...we cut boxes too, haha. And fold 'em. I work at a pizza place. And I really hate it. So, when I'm at work, I do things to keep my mind preoccupied and play kind of mind games. But lately, nothing is taking this off of my mind.

What are your thoughts on this? Also, how are you doing today? I'm gonna lay down now. I like looking at our old photos together and watch old videos of us. Brings me to happier times.

I do need some advice. Is this Pure-O, ROCD or is this really what I want? (fingers crossed this isn't what I want, this is an ocd tick, looking for reassurance!)

That you are not making a decision right now is a really good point of view. Your mind is in an (extremely) anxious state right now, and any decision you make is not based on what you really want, but only on what your OCD tries to make you believe you want.

And yep, you're looking for reassurance. OCD Have you ever tried the extinction response? It's in here: obsessive-compulsive/topic103176.html

By the way, Pure-O and ROCD are the same. ROCD isn't an official term for what you experience, but it only describes the 'subject' of your obsessive thinking: in this case your relationship. In the case of HOCD, whether or not you are homosexual. Pure-O is the official term for all of these forms of obsessive thinking.

Lockheed

I thought about doing the 3 day break, just because like he said, it could show how much I still want him and to appreciate him. But...I was scared that that it would make me realize how much I don't need him and how I'd be fine without him. He said we would still be together and in a relationship, but I would just get to figure out what I needed to work on myself. It was a risk I didn't want to take. I didn't wanna go 3 days without talking. He seems to be doing fine with the whole situation. And I felt awful because when I was crying, I really felt like I needed to tell him I didn't wanna be with him. And it hurt A LOT. And I think it really does hurt because I love him a lot. I told him I was sorry I felt this way, and he told me it's okay and I just thought about how it would feel to just go home and know he's not mine anymore. And that was something that I knew going home, I'd be sad and I would probably call back and wanna get back together. So that's why I don't wanna end things, because I don't know what would happen. We did get intimate and I threw some of it out the window, just so I could relax and enjoy myself. I was high on emotion, that any thought I was having, was ruining what I wanted to concentrate. I just wanted to enjoy myself and be connected with him. Which I could feel it. I remember looking up at him and just smiling and it felt good, because I know in my heart I love that face. I love looking at him. lol...I just started crying. Idk why, thinking about that made me so emotional. I remember having trouble wanting to say I love him during it too. I felt like if I said it, it would make me out to be this liar. I was doubting I loved him. I remember telling him he was my best friend, because he is. And he said you're my love. And I said it back, but I felt like I was lying. Then I worried I was looking at him as just a friend now, not my lover. Eventually that kind of faded and I realize when I worry about the smaller things, they tend to disappear. But after it was all done, I felt fine. And I'm never tired after sex, which is weird. Like I had moments where it wasn't in my head, but I know the harder I try to push it out, the harder it is to deal with and the more real it feels.

Fireworkeyes and Lockheed I'm going to do a combined post to respond to both of your posts!


First off fireworkeyes I commend you for not taking the three day break because even though you may think it would help you the fact matter is by taking a three-day break you're letting your OCD win. You're letting it legitimize the fear of you not being in love with your boyfriend. Lockheed's article was quite interesting in the fact that it deals with both of our problems, I'll talk more about that in a moment. So I don't know if I had mentioned this to you but when I first got my girlfriend I went through ROCD about the same thing of whether I was in love with my girlfriend or not. This anxiety lasted for months and caused me such distress that in my senior year of high school when I first started dating her I was unable to complete a lot more work on the computer as I was always secretly on different forums looking for answers. I can understand how your anxiety and OCD can still be easy to think about while you're at work. I work at FedEx like I said earlier and you would imagine when you're constantly working and loading boxes quickly as you can that you would have time to think, well somehow or another usually when I'm at work is when I think the most.. It sucks not try to take my mind off of it and usually all Obsess for about the first two hours of the shift after that my mind usually coasts for the rest of the shift. Bottom line you love your boyfriend and I wouldn't recommend you do any breaks or anything of that nature as you would let your OCD become even stronger.

Lockheed I really do appreciate your article that you posted brother. The article you posted really gave me some more insight into OCD and I'm going to try to not respond to my thoughts just as the article said. I guess it is easy for all of us to see OCD each other stories but yet we are blinded to see it in our own. Do you have any more articles that can help me whenever thoughts arise about cheating on my girlfriend? Anything that you've come across that can pertain to my situation would be greatly appreciated.

Now a little about what's been going on with me tonight. My girlfriend came back into town today and I was very eager to see her. My anxiety started to act up about three hours before I was supposed to see her. I try to relax but that didn't really help so I ended up taking one of my emergency pills from the doctor that was prescribed to me for when my anxiety spikes really bad. It made me kind of drowsy and to be honest I was kind of disappointed in myself because the fact of the matter is I was only using something to cover up my anxiety instead of dealing with it. It just sucks because my mind constantly when I was with her would dart from different things that I've done in the past and make me question did I try these things while I was with her or were they before I met her. I recognize the thoughts of anxiety but is truly hard to let go of. Throughout most of our two year relationship I had a problem with looking at porn. My girlfriend knew about it and before I even Started watching it while dating her I told her about it. She did not like it but she put up with it and eventually just got used to it. Well here recently I remember a site that I had visited but cannot remember if it was while I was with her or before. Now before you get the wrong idea please read this carefully: somehow or another I found a site that basically was an adult cam site. I know deep in my heart that I have never used a cam site to expose myself or talk dirty to women. From my memory when I found the site the reason I liked it was because when you go to it Will give you an obviously pre-recorded video of a girl doing something. Almost every time he would refresh it it would be a different person but they would repeat themselves so it was obviously pre-recorded. In order to even chat with the women you had to sign up and use a credit card, I never even signed up or used a credit card so I know that there was no way in hell that I actually chatted with a woman or did anything on camera with her. My OCD is making me get anxious at the thought of why I was even on that site and how I found it. Honestly I don't remember how I found it or nonetheless remember if I was with my girlfriend when I accessed it. I got more thoughts floating in but I'm trying to use the exposure technique that walk he suggested. Any comments?

First off fireworkeyes I commend you for not taking the three day break because even though you may think it would help you the fact matter is by taking a three-day break you're letting your OCD win. You're letting it legitimize the fear of you not being in love with your boyfriend. Lockheed's article was quite interesting in the fact that it deals with both of our problems, I'll talk more about that in a moment. So I don't know if I had mentioned this to you but when I first got my girlfriend I went through ROCD about the same thing of whether I was in love with my girlfriend or not. This anxiety lasted for months and caused me such distress that in my senior year of high school when I first started dating her I was unable to complete a lot more work on the computer as I was always secretly on different forums looking for answers. I can understand how your anxiety and OCD can still be easy to think about while you're at work. I work at FedEx like I said earlier and you would imagine when you're constantly working and loading boxes quickly as you can that you would have time to think, well somehow or another usually when I'm at work is when I think the most.. It sucks not try to take my mind off of it and usually all Obsess for about the first two hours of the shift after that my mind usually coasts for the rest of the shift. Bottom line you love your boyfriend and I wouldn't recommend you do any breaks or anything of that nature as you would let your OCD become even stronger.

I'm going to do a combined post as well. OCDfanatic, thank you for your response. I agree, taking a break would have been awful. I was scared to know what I really felt. I don't agree with doing breaks. My boyfriend and I both agree that we shouldn't do breaks because in a real relationship, you deal with the issue in front of you. In his last relationship, they took A LOT of breaks, and she cheated on him a lot. So, I avoid that route. I too experienced that well into the beginning of my relationship. And I never really understood it, because I really did like him when we first started to date. I remember us fighting one day (I thought someone broke into my house, and I called the cops to check on my house and my bf and I were fighting, but he called and we made up like right away). And I remember having those obsessive thoughts, but they went away. I had those maybe twice, but they went away right away. I'm glad your OCD can go away for a little bit, nothing takes my mind off of it. I actually work with someone who works for FedEx too! Last night at work, I was pretty upset because it started to all feel really real, so when I got to work I just didn't wanna talk. But there's a lady I work with and she just made me laugh a lot and it gave me positive vibes. I did have some thoughts that I was scared I was talking to some of the guys because I wanna mingle with other guys and everything, but honestly...that is the complete OPPOSITE of my personality. Which caused me to FREAK in my mind. Which...helped me find some peace for a little bit in my mind. I could FINALLY call my boyfriend "Hun" and "love" without feeling like I'm being forced to do it.

Now a little about what's been going on with me tonight. My girlfriend came back into town today and I was very eager to see her. My anxiety started to act up about three hours before I was supposed to see her. I try to relax but that didn't really help so I ended up taking one of my emergency pills from the doctor that was prescribed to me for when my anxiety spikes really bad. It made me kind of drowsy and to be honest I was kind of disappointed in myself because the fact of the matter is I was only using something to cover up my anxiety instead of dealing with it. It just sucks because my mind constantly when I was with her would dart from different things that I've done in the past and make me question did I try these things while I was with her or were they before I met her. I recognize the thoughts of anxiety but is truly hard to let go of. Throughout most of our two year relationship I had a problem with looking at porn. My girlfriend knew about it and before I even Started watching it while dating her I told her about it. She did not like it but she put up with it and eventually just got used to it. Well here recently I remember a site that I had visited but cannot remember if it was while I was with her or before. Now before you get the wrong idea please read this carefully: somehow or another I found a site that basically was an adult cam site. I know deep in my heart that I have never used a cam site to expose myself or talk dirty to women. From my memory when I found the site the reason I liked it was because when you go to it Will give you an obviously pre-recorded video of a girl doing something. Almost every time he would refresh it it would be a different person but they would repeat themselves so it was obviously pre-recorded. In order to even chat with the women you had to sign up and use a credit card, I never even signed up or used a credit card so I know that there was no way in hell that I actually chatted with a woman or did anything on camera with her. My OCD is making me get anxious at the thought of why I was even on that site and how I found it. Honestly I don't remember how I found it or nonetheless remember if I was with my girlfriend when I accessed it. I got more thoughts floating in but I'm trying to use the exposure technique that walk he suggested. Any comments?

Alright. I bet that was kind of hard to admit online, BUT I'm going to give you some advice from a girl's perspective. I am a VERY jealous girlfriend because of my boyfriend's past and with our issues (IE tattoo models, and some other personal things I don't wanna share haha), it is completely normal for you to watch porn. And it's hard for me to look past it because my boyfriend does it too. Girls get jealous because we find it that you're not attracted to us and it hurts that you have to get off to other women...but...you're not doing anything wrong because you did that now or even in your past. You didn't cheat because you didn't use your cam or pay for anything of that sort. I mean, it's like any porn site honestly. You can find that stuff anywhere, from actual porn to amateur (tumblr is FULL of free porn). I can see why you would feel bad now, because you know how your girlfriend felt about it, but as you said, she just learned to deal with it. Yeah, that doesn't make it okay, but I'm pretty sure if you brought it up to her, I don't think she'd break up with you. You can find videos of random girls masturbating anywhere. Hell, even guys doing it, I've seen it randomly pop up on my dashboard on Tumblr! Your mind is wrapped around trying to find every detail you've ever done wrong in your relationship because your girlfriend means so much to you. So just remember, this is your OCD, and how do I know that? Because you're mind is specifically giving you blurbs of something you did years ago. You don't remember how or when, you just remember that one time. And you know what, it's not a big deal because EVERY guy does this at one point their life and it's not cheating if you're looking at that kind of stuff. I'd be a liar if I said I haven't watched porn. Everybody has at least one time in their life, and if they said otherwise, they're a liar. Porn is more an attraction towards the mall audience and it's okay. Some women like porn, and it's okay. Hell, some couples even watch it together. And guess what? That's okay too! As long as you know you weren't talking or caming along, I think you're in the clear. If my boyfriend told me that, I'd just be like, "You're a freak." I think you're so concentrated on being a good and faithful boyfriend that you just don't want to make one mistake. And having the doubting disease, it's really helpful to know that part of this isn't your fault.

I have had moments that I was worried I did something while I was dating my boyfriend or before dating him. Like I said like a couple weeks ago, I was worried where I thought I asked my friend to go to a concert with me because my boyfriend didn't wanna go. But I didn't remember which boyfriend...so I frantically looked for the messages and couldn't find any. I have a new phone, so it couldn't be on there. But it was like a blurb of a message. And it was to go see a band called Issues. Which it made no sense to me...because the boyfriend I have now got me into them around this time 2 years ago. And it REALLY confused me. I felt awful and freaked out. But, I kind of just let it go because I didn't do anything wrong because there was no concert I would go to with another guy while dating my boyfriend I'm dating now. Learning to let the thoughts be there is rough because you constantly wanna know the truth.

How are you doing as of today? Any other problems you need to vent about? Feel free, we're here to help and support you through this time! I really appreciate the forum, it helps to just talk about it since we all have a form of anxiety and ocd.

That you are not making a decision right now is a really good point of view. Your mind is in an (extremely) anxious state right now, and any decision you make is not based on what you really want, but only on what your OCD tries to make you believe you want.

And yep, you're looking for reassurance. OCD Have you ever tried the extinction response? It's in here: obsessive-compulsive/topic103176.html

By the way, Pure-O and ROCD are the same. ROCD isn't an official term for what you experience, but it only describes the 'subject' of your obsessive thinking: in this case your relationship. In the case of HOCD, whether or not you are homosexual. Pure-O is the official term for all of these forms of obsessive thinking.

Lockheed

Hey Lockheed, thank you for your response. Sometimes I really doubt what I'm going through is OCD, and this is what I really want. Can I get your thoughts on it?

When I was going through my HOCD, that's when it all kind of happened. I've been all over the place with my emotions. I remember looking at photos of my bf and I back from this summer and thinking this was just never gonna be back again. Like I'd never be that person again. But that went away, and it was just a thought and a worry at the time that I didn't wanna be with him. With no reason. And it made no sense, because I was worried that he was going to leave me for the last 2 months. And it just all of sudden happened one night. Like over night, my life did a whole 360 turn for the worst. And it's been the worst feeling ever...but last night I managed to worry about something else. We are hanging out Wednesday and I started to worry I was just going to blurt it out and be like, "I don't wanna be with you!" And then just regret it. And I know in OCD symptoms, like with Harm OCD and what not, you fear you're going to do things like that. So I am leaning towards it's a fear that if I do that, there's a potential that I'd make a big mistake.

I am hanging in there. Last night, I was able to tell myself this is just anixety. I'm labeling it as such. I got very depressed yesterday, and was crying a lot. I even told my mom about it, and she's supportive but she has her reasons to of why I might feel this way, and I'll give you the story.

My boyfriend is not a Christian. He is Pagan/Wiccan. Sounds very far fetched, but he basically just believes in the earth and Karma. What goes around, comes around. He doesn't practice magic, but I find his religion interesting and even looked into it where it could help me with my issues as of right now. I preferred to hangout at his house because where he lives (not with his mom, long story), they trusted that we wouldn't be doing anything bad in the basement. My mom always had to call to make sure it was okay and that I wouldn't go in his bedroom alone with him (mind that I was turning 18). My bf's gardian said I could come over, and she would be home. I got to his house, and I noticed the doorbell was broken. And it didn't help that his cell phone connection wasn't working. My dad dropped me off at his house, and waited to see when someone would get to the door when I knocked. I got inside, stood by the computer to find my dad coming back to the door, wanting to see if his guardian was home and my bf said, "No, she stepped out for a bit. Her boyfriend is home, but he's in their bedroom right now." My friends were coming upstairs from the basement with the dogs, and my dad made me leave his house and I wasn't allowed over because they felt they were being lied to and didn't trust my bf. So...ever since then, I've had to fight for my relationship. He came over to my house for half a year, and my mom didn't want him wearing his necklace in our house, so he felt attacked. And it made him uncomfortable. So we started to go over to my friend's house who lives across from him, and now we just hang at his house every time we wanna see each other, and I prefer that. So basically because of those two things, my mom thinks he's not good for me. Plus, my dad doesn't let us use the car to drive me over there because he has some stupid grudge against my boyfriend.

I have a feeling this is just anxiety and ocd...because it's obsessively there. And to be honest, i just want it to go away. I don't want it here. It's been like this for 2 years, I've been fighting. I'm not giving up. I haven't left yet. I'm not planning on it. I need to just figure out or try to worry about something else. I have OCD symptoms.

1. Obsessively thinking. 2. Mental rituals (checking to see if I feel the same way) 3. Constant doubts 4. Headaches 5. My chest starts to hurt 6. Racing heart 7. Insomnia (I can't sleep at night)

I hate doubting. I love my boyfriend so much, I want it to go away.

Anyways, how are you dealing with your ocd, Lockheed and OCDfanatic? Please both of you, give me your thoughts.

Also, another question.

How did you guys get officially diagnosed with OCD? How do I bring it up to my therapist or doctor? Do I talk about my obsessions and what not?

Can you both tell me your first experience for therapy?

fireworkeyes wrote:Also, another question.

How did you guys get officially diagnosed with OCD? How do I bring it up to my therapist or doctor? Do I talk about my obsessions and what not?

Can you both tell me your first experience for therapy?

Good question and first off I want to say thank you to both of you for even taking time out of your day to reply to this thread so we can all help each other, it really means a lot. I got diagnosed with OCD at the age of roughly Nine years old by a psychologist who I was seeing for panic attacks. Basically long story short I was constantly scared after having scarlet's fever I went through bouts of fearing death, religion OCD, and fearing of dying in my sleep (grant you all this is very bizarre for 9-11 years of age). After all these things as well as a deathly fear of chocking on food as I got around 13-14 they look at my background and confirmed the original diagnosis was correct, OCD, Anxiety, and Panic Disorder. Don't let this info spike you because the simple fact is OCD can become conscious at any point in ones life, it doesn't have to be early on.

To bring it up to your therapists/doctor the best thing you can really do is be completely honest. I know it was hard for me the first time I ever had to talk to someone about my problems because of the simply fact I was embarrassed and thought they would find me weird, however this is not the case. Always keep in mind that doctors and especially therapists a like at some point have ran across people with much worse conditions than yourself, they see PTSD from soldiers, Schizophrenia,and many other more sever mental illnesses (Not saying ours isn't less hard to live with). Just be honest and don't hold anything back, if you're honest you will be better off as you will get the correct diagnosis. Tell them pretty much about all your obsessions and things you've wrote in here, thats your best route.

First time in therapy, ah fun one. The first time it will be pretty awkward because you don't know this person but yet you're going to have to eventually open up to them. From my experience the first sessions is usually for them to evaluate you and ask you a lot about your background so they can get a better understanding to help you uncover the root problem. Just be yourself, and like I said always remember they've seen much worse than you and they've seen others like you before so do not be ashamed. Remember this is your time to get the help that you deserve.


About my day, not terrible but not the best either. I tried using the relabeling technique and to be honest it is working but like anything else it will take time. I didn't have work today (thank God) and it was my girlfriend and I's two and a half years. We celebrated and had a good time, but I did have spikes throughout the day and eventually ended up breaking down and crying on her shoulder. That last sentence is very hard to admit and before I say this I am in no way a sexist but its just harder for guys to admit they cry because its a stigma that other men around you teach you not to do as you get older. It sucked but I've cried infront of her before as I truly trust her and love her dearly. Spikes revolved around multiple things of mental rituals "trying to remember" and put dates on things to make sure they didn't happen while we were together and whenever I couldn't place a specific time frame on something I freaked out. It's annoying but that is my compulsion right there is trying to constantly check to "make sure" I didn't cheat. My girlfriend is still supporting me and guiding me in the right direction, she keeps reminding me that if I had of cheated it wouldn't spark in the blue (like you fireworkeyes said as well) and that I would have felt guilty the entire time like I am now back then if I did it then. I'm trying to remind myself that trying to remember is a compulsion and not something that I need to be doing. It's almost second nature to me now to be honest.

Wow, that sounds pretty trammatic for a 9 year old to have to go through. I can understand because when I was younger, I had a fear of someone breaking into my house because I had a bad dream. I would sleep in my parents bed and I couldn't go to bed until 4 or 5 in the morning because I felt like that was the safe time for me to sleep and no one would come hurt me. I did that for a long time but I eventually grew out of it...so who knows. Maybe that was early signs? I've been obsessive like this my whole life. That sounds crazy that you were diagnosed so young!

Thank you for your response on how to go about it to my new therapist. She is a doctor, so maybe she will see what I'm going through as ocd because then I can finally have a breather and just be like thank god this is my brain and not me. I've only told my boyfriend and basically you and lockheed about my hocd and pocd. If I told my mom...she would freak. But it's like, I didn't want those images in my head? And they were constantly there and I felt awful. I get kind of nervous that they're gonna think I'm crazy but you are right...they have seen way worse than me.

I get that you're having a difficult time with all of this and it's rough because you just wanna have a good time and not constantly be worrying in your head. Relabeling can only take you so far, which sucks because what you're experiencing is so real but I want you to know, you're gonna get through this. And I think it's amazing how supportive your girlfriend is with you through this and showing she trusts you and is by your side, that also shows that you both are gonna get through this together. She seems to really love you. Most people would have just left, but with her staying by your side and not getting frustrated shows how much you mean to her. And it's okay to cry, because this is hurting you. Hell, my bf has cried in front of me a couple times and there's no way I thought any less of him. It's okay to show emotions, you're human. Plus, letting it bottle up inside of you can really take a toll on you. And that's something that makes this forum good. Always spill your guts. Tell us how you feel, and even if you need to talk to your girlfriend just tell her you need some comfort. This is what we're all here for. I know exactly the kind of pain you're going through, and I cried so much when I told my bf everything. It took me 2 months to get over it, and I still have spikes sometimes but I can control it now. And you will too, it just takes time to get back in the groove of things. It becomes second nature because you feel if you're not worrying or doubting or fighting something, something is wrong with you.

Remember, you fear you cheated. You fear you did this. That doesn't mean you did. Ocd remembers things out of the blue and wants you to feel this way. The more fight you give it, the more power it's going to take.

Do you do anything to try to take it off your mind? I heard drinking tea is good for you, going on walks, and I also think that doing some meditation can help relax your mind. Hypnosis works too. I have a good link to one if you'd like it! It stopped my harm ocd in a second and it was amazing! I felt so happy that night because I was free from unessisary obsessions. I think that could potentially help you out too. It's nothing scary, promise.

As for me, tonight I am very depressed. Some nights are better than others, tonight is the rough one. But...I'm getting through it. I just want this all to just stop.

Feeling any better?