The worst plague I've had: Cheating OCD

Lockheed wrote:Hi friend,

You experience the following:

1. You obsess and ruminate extremely
2. You fear of having done the sexual conversation whilst being in a relationship
3. You have a history of OCD related symptoms
4. You feel extremely guilty.

Lockhead, first off thank you for you reply, your words do me and fireworks eyes more good than you can imagine! What you said above does logically make sense to me and logically I know it's true, it's just the other part of me (OCD) keeps ringing back with more explanations such as if you did cheat you'd feel the same feelings you're experiencing now. I keep trying to block that thought out as I know it's not true and the fact is it wouldn't of hit me almost 3 years down the road.

In response to what you said that you struggle with I completely understand; you see I used to think other women were attractive and thought nothing of it until my ROCD kicked back in. Since my ROCD has kicked in if I see another woman I refuse to even think she's pretty because I'm already "worried" about the situation I described earlier in the post. Just like me logically you know that looking at other women isn't cheating as cheating is defined as either an act that involves emotional attachment or physical contact; by checking out another woman you have done neither my friend. We are all human and I guarantee you that your girlfriend thinks other boys are attractive but she won't openly say it. It's going to be alright.

To fireworkeyes and Lockhead my ROCD kicked back in one day when I was laying in bed first obsessing how I "may have been" a bad friend to one of my buddies and then progressed to trying to find critism as to why I am a bad boyfriend. Once that thought kicked in BOOM, I was ruminating and looking back observing memories trying to find ways I had been unfaithful to her. After that my mind started taking memories of things I had done before getting into a relationship with her and whenever I would think "I know it didn't happen because I remember" my ROCD came back with "How do you know for SURE?" Obviously no matter if you remember something there's a chance you could be wrong which is the fear my ROCD feeds from. To combat this fear I started calling girls that were in these memories to confirm I wasn't dating anyone while talking to them. After that fear was gone it latched onto things I couldn't confirm because I didn't know these women online, thus causing uncertainty and fear.

I know she would never break up with me because it would hurt her too bad but she is becoming frustrated. I tell her I completely understand and couldn't even begin to imagine what it must be like to be on the other side of all this.

I completely understand where you're coming from. The first time I talked with my boyfriend, it went fine. But the more I had to tell him, the more I noticed him getting frustrated so I stopped telling him everything and it started to get hard to be around him because the amount of guilt I had on my shoulders. When I went to my friends house with him, I would rather sleep. I slept on the couch, avoiding everyone. I couldn't talk. I felt like I didn't deserve to laugh or be happy. It was hard to look him in the face, I felt so bad.

And it's hard, because you want to tell them everything you're going through. The more you bottle up, the harder it is to talk or even function. So I do suggest you talk about it with someone. And that's how I started to open up to my mom about it, because she listened and helped me through it.

I mean...how do you tell your mom you think you're gay when you know you're not? It was so awkward but it feels SO real.

When you think about your past...everything feels real. When I thought I had cheated, I relived that moment for DAYS. And if it wasn't one thing, it was another. And it was all day, everyday. How do you tell your partner you think you cheated? You would know if you did, but your mind makes up things that were never there. And the guilt freaking sucks!

Do you experience yourself noticing how attractive other people are? Or constantly worry you're flirting with someone even though you know you aren't but it could be taken that way? That's exactly what I went through. I avoided guys, and I still try to not have eye contact with people. Even women, I was scared I think they're attractive or something. Never in a million years did i think that, I was jealous of every woman I saw before this happened.

Im asuming your Christmas Eve went okay? I had Christmas eve with mine too, and it spiked so bad but then it got way better. I had the same thing happen to me though, I tried to just let loose and have fun at his Grandparents house but I couldn't even function, I stopped talking and just sat there and listened. I couldn't look at people because my anxiety was spiked.

I did do some research on ROCD last night (compulsion I guess? looking and googling things) and it brings up a good point that ROCD usually attacks relationships that have been nothing but good, and it attacks the people who are so emotionally connected to their partners. This really means, deep down inside we love them so much and we don't want to hurt them. Which brings some comfort, but then the OCD comes out and it tells me I'm lying to make myself feel better.

But then again, why would I feel so much happiness when that thought goes away and just wanting to show and tell my bf I love him so much?

ROCD is like the dirtiest thing ever. And it sucks, because it screws with what you have.

I too wish I could erase the past. I try telling myself these things were in the past, I figured it out and delt with it before, no need to bring em back up. But it's the OBSESSIVE part that makes you say no, you need to figure it out. And I hate it. I hate it so much. I'm currently not on meds, and my bf really doesn't want me to be on meds.

My brother went to therapy for Depression, and he said meds make you numb to it and then you don't have to deal with the problem. But, I think meds is something you need when you have OCD. I told my bf if and when they tell me I need meds I was going to discuss it with him. Are the side effects pretty bad? Like suicidal thoughts or depression because I don't want that ######6 with my relationship more than my own thoughts have. T_T

[quote]When you think about your past...everything feels real. When I thought I had cheated, I relived that moment for DAYS. And if it wasn't one thing, it was another. And it was all day, everyday. How do you tell your partner you think you cheated? You would know if you did, but your mind makes up things that were never there. And the guilt freaking sucks!

Do you experience yourself noticing how attractive other people are? Or constantly worry you're flirting with someone even though you know you aren't but it could be taken that way? That's exactly what I went through. I avoided guys, and I still try to not have eye contact with people. Even women, I was scared I think they're attractive or something. Never in a million years did i think that, I was jealous of every woman I saw before this happened.[/quote]


Wow, your words almost feel like someone is reading my life from a book! Yes I notice how attractive other people are and before my ROCD came back I would look at other people but ALWAYS understand there is a line between looking and acting. I never had a problem, I'd notice someone pretty and then move on with my life, now if I look at someone I get instant feelings of guilt. I've talked to my girlfriend about this and she has reassured me that she even notices attractive guys and it's normal as long as you don't act on these impulses. Hearing her say that gives me temporary relief but it sti heightens my anxiety. One thing that has helped me with the looking at other people is remembering the answer to the question: what's the number one thing people with OCD/anxiety focus on? Perfectionism, that means that we want to make sure our relationship is PERCECT and no flaw of looking at someone else is acceptable.

Like I said in my last post my Christmas Eve with my girlfriend at first started off jittery but progressed to be really good! Christmas Day on the other hand... Not so much. Christmas morning I woke up spiking (like usual), took my morning 150mg, and tried to move on about my day. As the day progressed everything was great and then my girlfriend wanted to go walk around the town that night, I said sure and invited another couple we know. We all ended up hanging out and which once they got there my anxiety hit the roof, I covered it up very well and only told my girlfriend later that it was spiking. Last night was terrible as I woke up with nightmares over and over and woke up scared. Today seems to be an anxious day and I have work later so I'm going to have to pull myself together.

To answer your questions about medication I noticed that my symptoms aren't as server but none the less still there. Welbutrin is an SSRI that is used for depression but also can be used to treat anxiety; I'm trying to get into seeing a psychiatrist to be put on something strictly for anxiety and also for therapy to help me. Your words about your research on how relationships attacked by ROCD really helped calm me a little so thank you. I've done my best to stay away from googling because I feel helpless when I do. Anxiety will push you to extreme measures and I've even gotten to the point I've been researching how to recover history on a computer after a long time (since my revolves around that one day in April) the only problem is my Girlfriend has hidden the battery and charger claiming that I don't need that reassurance and that if I do get it my anxiety will move onto to another instance. I was really upset at first that my girlfriend wouldn't help me but looking at the situation she's right. If I conquered this instance of finding history to make sure I didn't cheat online I would move onto to another example that may have been a threat. Back to the medicine when I started taking my SSRI I felt numb but over time it wore off and now it helps a little. Your brother is fairly right about the numbing thing it does to your emotions for a while.

Our ROCD makes things feel so real and it's hard to overcome but it can be done. What you and I need to do is come up with ways to combat this illness so we both recover. I've heard of two methods used in therapy used for Obsessive thoughts: flooding and prevention. Flooding is where a therapist tells the client to think about it over and over until they're sick of the thought and this apparently reduces anxiety because you're exposed to it to much. Prevention is where the therapist forbids the client from thinking of the thought and this eliminating it. Neither has exactly worked for me as I find myself either obsessing to the point of mental exhaustion or trying to prevent the thought to exhaustion. From my research that's all I can find. How was your Christmas Day and what have you learned to combat it?

-- Fri Dec 26, 2014 1:39 pm --

[quote]When you think about your past...everything feels real. When I thought I had cheated, I relived that moment for DAYS. And if it wasn't one thing, it was another. And it was all day, everyday. How do you tell your partner you think you cheated? You would know if you did, but your mind makes up things that were never there. And the guilt freaking sucks!

Do you experience yourself noticing how attractive other people are? Or constantly worry you're flirting with someone even though you know you aren't but it could be taken that way? That's exactly what I went through. I avoided guys, and I still try to not have eye contact with people. Even women, I was scared I think they're attractive or something. Never in a million years did i think that, I was jealous of every woman I saw before this happened.[/quote]


Wow, your words almost feel like someone is reading my life from a book! Yes I notice how attractive other people are and before my ROCD came back I would look at other people but ALWAYS understand there is a line between looking and acting. I never had a problem, I'd notice someone pretty and then move on with my life, now if I look at someone I get instant feelings of guilt. I've talked to my girlfriend about this and she has reassured me that she even notices attractive guys and it's normal as long as you don't act on these impulses. Hearing her say that gives me temporary relief but it sti heightens my anxiety. One thing that has helped me with the looking at other people is remembering the answer to the question: what's the number one thing people with OCD/anxiety focus on? Perfectionism, that means that we want to make sure our relationship is PERCECT and no flaw of looking at someone else is acceptable.

Like I said in my last post my Christmas Eve with my girlfriend at first started off jittery but progressed to be really good! Christmas Day on the other hand... Not so much. Christmas morning I woke up spiking (like usual), took my morning 150mg, and tried to move on about my day. As the day progressed everything was great and then my girlfriend wanted to go walk around the town that night, I said sure and invited another couple we know. We all ended up hanging out and which once they got there my anxiety hit the roof, I covered it up very well and only told my girlfriend later that it was spiking. Last night was terrible as I woke up with nightmares over and over and woke up scared. Today seems to be an anxious day and I have work later so I'm going to have to pull myself together.

To answer your questions about medication I noticed that my symptoms aren't as server but none the less still there. Welbutrin is an SSRI that is used for depression but also can be used to treat anxiety; I'm trying to get into seeing a psychiatrist to be put on something strictly for anxiety and also for therapy to help me. Your words about your research on how relationships attacked by ROCD really helped calm me a little so thank you. I've done my best to stay away from googling because I feel helpless when I do. Anxiety will push you to extreme measures and I've even gotten to the point I've been researching how to recover history on a computer after a long time (since my revolves around that one day in April) the only problem is my Girlfriend has hidden the battery and charger claiming that I don't need that reassurance and that if I do get it my anxiety will move onto to another instance. I was really upset at first that my girlfriend wouldn't help me but looking at the situation she's right. If I conquered this instance of finding history to make sure I didn't cheat online I would move onto to another example that may have been a threat. Back to the medicine when I started taking my SSRI I felt numb but over time it wore off and now it helps a little. Your brother is fairly right about the numbing thing it does to your emotions for a while.

Our ROCD makes things feel so real and it's hard to overcome but it can be done. What you and I need to do is come up with ways to combat this illness so we both recover. I've heard of two methods used in therapy used for Obsessive thoughts: flooding and prevention. Flooding is where a therapist tells the client to think about it over and over until they're sick of the thought and this apparently reduces anxiety because you're exposed to it to much. Prevention is where the therapist forbids the client from thinking of the thought and this eliminating it. Neither has exactly worked for me as I find myself either obsessing to the point of mental exhaustion or trying to prevent the thought to exhaustion. From my research that's all I can find. How was your Christmas Day and what have you learned to combat it?

Friends,

What you describe feels so familiar. Thanks for sharing your stories with me. My ROCD was a lot better today. The obsessiveness with my girlfriend is gone, and... just for some reason... I feel really warm feelings when I think of her. Guess that's due to the fact that anxiety's not on top of everything, pushing the real feelings deep inside.

I notice that I have had some compulsions today, though. In my situation, it is with one of my girlfriend's (female) friends. When I met my girlfriend at the introduction week of university (more is in my topic that I posted yesterday - it's quite a long post, though), I had two major spikes:

* I don't feel anything anymore (the morning I woke up after the first kiss) - I now realise that's due to the fact that it's the tension (does she like me? doesn't she? does she like that other guy who is interested too?) that was gone, not the desire to be with her. Spike no.1
* A few days later, she (and me) were very fatigued (as you barely sleep during the introduction period, that consists of many parties, lots of fun and beer and not that much sleep - for 9 days) and I thought: wow, she doesn't look that good today. Spike no. 2

Then - I realise at this exact moment that it's nothing but compulsions - I checked her Facebook profile, where she had a picture with one of her female friends. She's good looking, I admit that, but there are more good looking women on the planet. I don't have any feelings toward her (apart from the fact that she's good looking and attractive), but at that moment extreme anxiety kicked in. And it still does today. I met her a few weeks ago (together with my girlfriend) and she's got some characteristics (in terms of style and behaviour) that I don't like, but hey - due to she being good looking the anxiety (I don't find my girlfriend attractive enough!) kicked in again. So I can say that she's one of the main sources of anxiety. Scrolled through many photos of her to check and reassure myself that I'm not in love with her. Well, there we go. I tell my brain that it's a fair reason to be anxious, which only makes the OCD stronger. I still need to find out how I can completely accept the uncertainty and let the thoughts be there (such as proposed in the stickied topic). It really helps as I was a lot calmer today.

Oh, by the way, these 'in love' quizzes and tests on the internet, they are - yeah, silly! - a compulsion too. Screw them.

Sorry for hijacking your topic, OCDfanatic22, but I'm just posting here as we seem to have a conversation about what we both struggle with. I'm not sure if you and fireworkeyes are aware of the accept the thoughts' presence strategy. (see this topic under 'So how should you respond, then?') If you try to block the thoughts, try to reassure yourself by compulsion or fight against them, you actually tell your brain that the fear is legitimate. That makes the ROCD even stronger and the fear will be stronger next time. That's what I did wrong today as well: reassuring myself. But tomorrow is another day, and let's see what it brings! Already glad with being a lot calmer, and seeing my girl again in a couple of days, so looking forward to that

Lockheed

What's more, I read that seeking for reassurance by others on forums is a compulsion as well! It gives you relief if others say your thoughts are irrational, whilst the OCD will kick in again soon after that.

Have (both of) you explained to your significant others what ROCD is? http://rocd.net/ may help if you haven't, so that they may understand the compulsions a bit better.

Lockheed

Lockheed wrote:What's more, I read that seeking for reassurance by others on forums is a compulsion as well! It gives you relief if others say your thoughts are irrational, whilst the OCD will kick in again soon after that.

Have (both of) you explained to your significant others what ROCD is? http://rocd.net/ may help if you haven't, so that they may understand the compulsions a bit better.

Lockheed

That is true brother! Getting reassurance from a forum is a compulsion as well and in the long run doesn't get you any where. To answer your question my girlfriend is very aware with ROCD and supports me through it. It really helps that her older brother struggles with anxiety and that she's been with me and supported me through my many different obsessions from health, to religious, ect. She truly loves me and I truly love her.

When I just read your story I see many compulsions like the checking the Facebook pages but the good thing is you see it as well! Today is new and we all including fireworkeyes need to try to change our mind to stop treating this is a real treat. It is much easier said than done but to me this seems like our best route like you mentioned above Lockheed. I want us all to go today and try the method of accepting the thoughts and not responding, then after today I want us all to check in and report how it went. Best wishes guys, I hope to read your replies either late tonight or tomorrow!

Hey friend,

It's only 6PM, but I have to tell you that I already had some compulsions. When I saw pictures of an attractive woman on Facebook (friend of another Facebook friend, who liked that picture) I checked out her profile to see whether I liked her better than my girlfriend, so that's the compulsion. I couldn't say that I didn't like the girls, however I clearly can distinguish that I'd rather be with my girlfriend. (So that's good)

And some anxiety in the supermarket as well, from good-looking girls I saw there. But I didn't expect the fear to be gone completely in just a matter of days. As well as one test. Screw that tests, ffs.

What's good, I woke up very calm today - with my girlfriend in my mind (which was one of the triggers of anxiety when the day had only just started, I'm not thinking of her! But perhaps the subconcious anxiety prevented me from doing so, now that I'm calmer, I do have her in my mind). I was also very calm for the biggest part of the day.

Tonight, I'm going to spend my evening with two friends in the cafe. Ultimate possibility of experiencing the anxiety, as there must be good looking girls there. But that I can clearly distinguish between good-looking and rather be with, is a good sign in my opinion.

How has your anxiety been for today (I realise that you live in another timezone and that your day has only started)?

Lockheed

Lockheed wrote:What's good, I woke up very calm today - with my girlfriend in my mind (which was one of the triggers of anxiety when the day had only just started, I'm not thinking of her! But perhaps the subconcious anxiety prevented me from doing so, now that I'm calmer, I do have her in my mind). I was also very calm for the biggest part of the day.

Anxiety truly does seem to hit in the morning! I find that my worst spikes are usually when I first wake up but as I go to bed I'm usually very calm. How did you cafe experience go? Did you spike? If you did its okay, its all part of the getting better process. I know how hard it can be to have to hide your anxiety from your friends, I've had spikes when I'm out with a group of friends but to avoid embarrassment I just keep my mouth shut and deal with it.

Yesterday was an OK day for me, my girlfriend came over and we spent the entire day together. The first few hours were alright as we went shopping for her and then once we got home my anxiety started to kick in. My anxiety started off low (she noticed and told me I know you're thinking honey just relax) and then towards the late evening went sky high. Luckily she calmed me down and I was better. NOW, I did learn something yesterday! After she calmed me down we both agree on something kinda interesting. She agreed that she would reassure me ONE more time together that this event didn't take place during our relationship, then whenever it would come in my head I was to label it as just anxiety and dismiss the thought as we had already rationalized it. I did just that throughout the rest of the night and guess what? I actually enjoyed myself and had a great time!

Now this morning is another story, I woke up anxious after having a calm night but I'm slowly getting it under control, its currently 11:36 am here. I'm going to try to go through that same act of labeling my thoughts anxiety like I did before throughout today and see if it helps again. I did notice last night after I dismissed them and kept moving forward I would think about it less and less! Most people would be mad that their anxiety is back this morning and while I am to a point I am also thankful that I enjoyed just one night of PEACE. My advice to you now is when you go out and notice a girl is to look at her, think shes pretty attractive, and then remind yourself that their is NOTHING wrong with thinking someone else is attractive. Remind yourself that you are HUMAN and that noticing someone else is in your nature and that you still love you girlfriend and this is just ANXIETY trying to ruin this for you. You have to do this repeatedly every time the thought comes just relabel it as anxiety and just admire the woman. You are not cheating by doing this and don't seek any reassurance from google, bing, ect. I want you try what I did and see how it goes my friend! Best wishes!



PS Fireworkeyes, how have you been these past few days? Is everything going okay? Hope to hear from you soon!

Hey mate,

My spikes occur mostly during the morning ("hey, you didn't wake up thinking of her!", "hey! you just had a dream about someone else!" et cetera..) but ruminating continues until I go to bed again. Sometimes, I take a hot bath just to relax, as that seems to help a bit.

Cafe experience was good, but indeed I spiked. Many girls whom I found attractive, of course, and anxiety went skyrocketing at certain moments. But the fun thing is that I can barely remember any detail of all those girls, so it must have been nothing. The two friends know about my thoughts, and one of them even understands them perfectly as he suffers from OCD (not the pure-o form, but the checking the lights form) too. The other tries to, accepts what we worry with, but can't fully understand - which is not too weird as he is a non-sufferer. Try to inform your friends about OCD and what you experience (you don't have to be extremely detailed, perhaps just tell them that you have thoughts of which you know aren't really what you want, but your head won't let you get rid of them), perhaps you'll find some friends who suffer too (but not knowing/afraid of saying!) I didn't know about my friend's suffering too until I told him about mine, and now we know that we can talk about it while we both fully understand.

It's good to see that your day was okay. I'm also happy to see that your girlfriend supports you through the thoughts and has a clue about what helps and what does not (the reassurance seeking). That strategy you two chose, labeling it as 'just anxiety', may be a good one. I'm not sure (as it is years ago), but I think that's how I got 'rid' of my HOCD as well. After finding the site with differences between being really gay, and HOCD, I kept saying "it's only HOCD", and eventually (not in a few days, though) the thoughts went away and I now only rarely have a HOCD spike, but for some reason I can quickly put it off as I know that I'm not gay.

Happy to read that you enjoyed the rest of your day after that small trick I'll try it myself and will report! Over the past few days it's just the good-looking other women that are still bothering me (and sometimes a fear she doesn't like me, that may be ROCD but also some insecurity from my past and past with other women), but - contrary to like one week ago - I now feel for sure that we're together and that I don't want to and can't see myself apart from her, speaking in relationship terms of course. Guess that it's just the wrong image of head-over-heels love/butterflies (from the movies, as I had no relationship before) feeling about what a relationship should be. That, plus the fact that in my original experience/thinking once you fall in love you can't see anymore that other women are good-looking or would be my type physically if I wasn't with my girlfriend, was one of the main reasons to spike I think, together with the two spiking points that I described in one of my previous posts (about the introduction period).

Thank you for your support mate, it has really helped and calmed me down to be able to talk to fellow sufferers, and find ways to get relief. If there's anything I can do for you, let me know.

Lockheed

OCDfanatic22 wrote:

Lockheed wrote:What's good, I woke up very calm today - with my girlfriend in my mind (which was one of the triggers of anxiety when the day had only just started, I'm not thinking of her! But perhaps the subconcious anxiety prevented me from doing so, now that I'm calmer, I do have her in my mind). I was also very calm for the biggest part of the day.

Anxiety truly does seem to hit in the morning! I find that my worst spikes are usually when I first wake up but as I go to bed I'm usually very calm. How did you cafe experience go? Did you spike? If you did its okay, its all part of the getting better process. I know how hard it can be to have to hide your anxiety from your friends, I've had spikes when I'm out with a group of friends but to avoid embarrassment I just keep my mouth shut and deal with it.

Yesterday was an OK day for me, my girlfriend came over and we spent the entire day together. The first few hours were alright as we went shopping for her and then once we got home my anxiety started to kick in. My anxiety started off low (she noticed and told me I know you're thinking honey just relax) and then towards the late evening went sky high. Luckily she calmed me down and I was better. NOW, I did learn something yesterday! After she calmed me down we both agree on something kinda interesting. She agreed that she would reassure me ONE more time together that this event didn't take place during our relationship, then whenever it would come in my head I was to label it as just anxiety and dismiss the thought as we had already rationalized it. I did just that throughout the rest of the night and guess what? I actually enjoyed myself and had a great time!

Now this morning is another story, I woke up anxious after having a calm night but I'm slowly getting it under control, its currently 11:36 am here. I'm going to try to go through that same act of labeling my thoughts anxiety like I did before throughout today and see if it helps again. I did notice last night after I dismissed them and kept moving forward I would think about it less and less! Most people would be mad that their anxiety is back this morning and while I am to a point I am also thankful that I enjoyed just one night of PEACE. My advice to you now is when you go out and notice a girl is to look at her, think shes pretty attractive, and then remind yourself that their is NOTHING wrong with thinking someone else is attractive. Remind yourself that you are HUMAN and that noticing someone else is in your nature and that you still love you girlfriend and this is just ANXIETY trying to ruin this for you. You have to do this repeatedly every time the thought comes just relabel it as anxiety and just admire the woman. You are not cheating by doing this and don't seek any reassurance from google, bing, ect. I want you try what I did and see how it goes my friend! Best wishes!



PS Fireworkeyes, how have you been these past few days? Is everything going okay? Hope to hear from you soon!

Hey guys! Sorry, I was so busy yesterday because it was my 2 year Anniversary and I have been working. I've been trying to stop looking online for reassurance, but this seems to be helping me look and it helps to talk about it. My mom isn't really helping...and I desperately need some advice from anyone? I really really just need to vent, and I'm sorry to just flood it with my problems. I need some reassurance that this is OCD and it isn't really me. I am so depressed, I'm crying so much every day and I feel like crap, hence why I haven't been able to get on. Just been wanting to just lay around and just not do anything.

So...it all started when I went to the 5th of November protest with my boyfriend. It was fun. I saw a boy that I thought was kind of cute? I kept shaking the thought, and said no, you don't look at other people when you're in a relationship. I was fine for the rest of the day, still madly in love with my boyfriend. Couldn't wait to get home and cuddle with him, do things couples do in love.

A couple days later I found myself putting myself in the position of dating this kid I saw at the protest. It made me feel really weird, so I shook the thought and carried on with my day at work, but I still was obsessing. It got worse when I woke up the next day. I was convinced I wanted to date this guy, I needed to break up with my boyfriend. I called my friend, looking for reassurance and I felt good after. I called my boyfriend and we talked about it, and laughed about it and he said I was okay. I felt...better. But I kept getting weird thoughts, but eventually that day it disappeared and I felt good.

I started to think about what I was doing wrong in the relationship. I guilted about if I cheated on my boyfriend. (I even have a post about it on here, if you wanna read it). I was so convinced I cheated on him. Around that time I was so in love with my boyfriend...like fairytale madly in love with him. I would have never done that.

My thoughts started to be intrusive, because my fear was he was going to break up with me. I had sexual thoughts about other people, and I felt horrible. I felt if he knew, he'd leave me. I told him about it, and he said I was okay and I felt better...but only for a couple hours. I had sexual thoughts about people close to him, and that made me even more depressed...like POCD. And that freaking...just freaking sucked. I hated it.

I also worried that I was gay. And my first thought was "I have to break up with my boyfriend to date women." I also hope you know...I've never been sexually attracted to a woman, I've never had a crush on one. I went to gay pride WITH my boyfriend and had no desire to look at women like that. In fact, I just wanted to go home. xD I was so depressed. I cried for days, didn't eat. Couldn't sleep. I moved out of my own bedroom, I don't sleep alone anymore because when I'm alone everything is worse. I also tried tatics like putting myself in the position like watching lesbian porn and stuff, which just made it worse so I stayed AWAY...like far away from that. But at the same time, I realized that stuff is geared for you TO get turned on. Those thoughts went away, idk how, maybe after talking to my mom about it and what not.

I then started to worry about everything I've ever done, if I've lied (which omg I could NEVER lie to my boyfriend. I'd feel awful). And my mind went back in time to when we first met and I stopped eating the way I should have. I don't remember clearly telling him I was starving myself, I really don't remember. I knew I purposely didn't eat a couple times, because that's how I delt with sadness. I worried and worried. I went to the Christmas party with my bf and I was just a wreck on the inside. I couldn't look at anyone. I kept thinking. I couldn't stop, and we finally talked about it and I felt good.

I have had thoughts if I didn't want to be with him or not. The first time I managed to get rid of them and it felt SO good. I would get random spikes, but I was able to dismiss it.

It started when he asked me if I wanted to be with him and I felt like I lied when I said yes. But then again my emotions and my anxiety is so screwed up right now I don't know what's real anymore. I have no idea what's going on with me.

You guys, I LOVE him. I've always been in love with him. We were going to move in together, but he's starting to open his own Haunted House (which he wants me to help do make up and everything when it opens) and because of that money will be tight. We are looking at apartments still, and I know I'd move in with him in a heartbeat. We have talked about marriage, what our wedding is going to be like, when we have kids, how we would be as parents. I even got sized for an engagement ring.

I obsessively, all day and everyday, have a mental debate on weather I want to be with him. And it's all day, everyday. Nothing takes my mind off of it. And it comes in all forms. It's either super bad to the point where I feel the only way I'd feel better is breaking it off. It always goes to me, sitting at the edge of his bed saying, "We need to talk. I don't think we should be together anymore." And just thinking of how he would react. Seeing him cry. Knowing everything he put towards me was nothing. Saying goodbye to him. Not talking to him. And I always get a huge knot in my stomach because it feels so real. It's like my mind wants me to say it to him, but I control and stop it everytime it happens.

But Iv'e been able to dismiss the thought of not being with him. Just 5 minutes ago...it wasn't so bad. I was like, yeah I wanna be with him. And think about our future. Then it just comes back 10 times worse and it hurts so bad and it makes me cry and I just want it to go away.

And it doesn't help that when I have these thoughts, it goes back to the hard times and times when I thought about being with someone else, or even when I thought about ending it. But they were just thoughts. I actually felt bad for thinking about it then, and scared he'd end it with me!

Just the other day, I was scared that I didn't want to be with him. We do what couples do, then after I remember looking up at him, holding him and saying "I want to be with you, no one else. I don't want to leave you. I love you so much." And I started to cry and he told me to stop, because he didn't want me to ruin my make up, haha. And he told me he loved me too, and he wasn't going anywhere. I felt an overwhelming sensation of happiness. Like I could function again. I had a good rest of my night, went to Denny's at 11pm with our friend and we talked about how excited we were for the tattoo convention. (we have the same tattoo artist who's letting us get some work done!)

And then it came back hard yesterday...on my 2 year Anniversary which I was so excited about. I've waited so long, and yesterday was so hard. I kept going back and forth in my mind. My mind kept saying, "Do it. End it right now. It'll make you happier." And it just made me cry. He was sleeping, thankfully. But I had moments where yesterday I was fine.

I've been nothing but in love with him. All of our memories is something I cherish. He's my best friend, My soul. I want to be with him...I know I do. But these thoughts conquer my mind. And it's making me unhappy. I never wanted to ever be like this, and I blame the protest we went to. I love him so much...he's my best friend. If he popped the question, I'd say yes. I'm not willing to throw away everything we've been through. Even if it were true, that I didn't want to be with him, I'd work towards whatever it takes for me be back in the same happy position I once was in.

I wanna go back to this summer. So in love, going to the e-cig shop, getting tattoos and subway, then getting endless apps at TGIF. Wake up and do it all over again. Just being in love again. I was so confident then.

Any incite you guys? I'm desperate and thank you guys for being so supportive it's great to know I'm not the only one suffering from this and I want it to end now.

I'm feeling okay...but it'll only last for so long. I always tell myself if I can get like this now, I can get like this again. I just feel like I'm lying to myself and it just really sucks.

Sorry it's so long...I'm just...so...UGH. -_-; Thanks so much, and I hope everyone is doing well too. I really do, this is a lot to deal with.