The worst plague I've had: Cheating OCD

fireworkeyes wrote:Im replying on my phone, but she can perscribe the medication to me, I just have to get it through my doctor office.

To go into detail, my appointment went very well. I talked about my bf, my parents, and my obsessions and my main obsession. I went into detail about things, and she still felt I was ocd, but didn't understand where it all came from (I blame my ex bf for making me constantly worry). She was very nice, her office is homey and she said she will bring her cat in so I can hold it? Idk, she's very empathetic towards what I've been going through and understands how TIRING it is to go through this. Don't you ever just feel so tired after having a mental battle in your head? I almost passed out twice yesterday at my bfs house because I had so many panic attacks in my head and almost word vomit!

The worst part is, my bf and I have been butting heads a little. His anxiety goes up when we're in a huge crowd and the tattoo convention was obviously full of people, so he was saying some not nice things and it was triggering this anxiety worse. The obsessive Ness was still there but and I realized, if I didn't have these thoughts, I would be having fun. So...that makes me feel like it is my ocd and it isn't me!

Ocdfanatic22, I noticed something that has helped me when I'm obsessing. You were obsessing that you were cheating on your gf. The reason why we are so focused is because we never wanted to hurt the ones we love. We are so fixated on the fact that we thought we cheated, that that's what makes us feel like a cheater! I noticed that with me, the reason why I haven't felt so in love or missing my bf is because my mind is so wrapped around this thought that I'm starting to believe it. And usually, ocd is the opposite of our characters. So that's something that helped me for a bit. In other news, how's your relationship? How's your girlfriend handling things and most importantly, your ocd?

I feel like Lockheed is the only one doing so well. xD so glad to know you're feeling better and on top of the world, you deserve it!

-- Tue Jan 13, 2015 12:30 am --

Also, you say you are almost scared to think, I get the same way. So remember, when you obsess about something new, you weren't thinking about it then, or thought twice, you did nothing wrong and it's your ocd because it wants you to worry.

I have had that happen to me countless of times where my mind is clear and I have to worry about something. It's the worst, it never gives ya a break and if ya do get a break it's brief. ;_;

Wow, I'm glad that your experience with going through your (family doctor?) was a lot easier than my experience with it.. When I was going through our family doctor directly he got to the point he said he wouldn't try to prescribe be anything else without me going to a psychiatrist because the medications were "out of his knowledge" which I understood. The fact was though going through a psychiatrist and getting an appointment wasn't as easy as one would imagine because they stay booked. About you and your boyfriend at the tattoo convention, just like you and I have anxieties that we know are irrational your boyfriend experiences the same. I can understand how both of your anxieties spiking at the same time could cause conflict, I guess the easiest way to handle it would be for you to try to put your own worries to the side and comfort him and then he return the favor.

It does seem that Lockheed is the one that is getting better the quickest lol, but hey we're happy for him! About my girlfriend, she's holding up very well, a lot better than I would of imagined. She keeps saying she trusts me and knows that I wouldn't do anything like that and she keeps saying even if I had she would be willing to put it all behind as long as I never tried to hook up with anyone or try to make advances towards someone we know. It would be too easy to just be like "You know what OCD? You win, I did it, now I'm moving on" but I can't do that. The reason I can't do that is because I know deep down I didn't and that I would never do that to her; personally I couldn't put all that behind me because I would feel tremendous guilt! My girlfriend keeps saying "But I don't have to put anything behind me because I KNOW you didn't do it, it's not who you are and knowing how you are you would have already felt extreme guilt and confessed." It sucks because I know she's tell the truth but I can't fully see it yet... My mind keeps coming up with either things that didn't happen or things that did and tries to twist them in a way to make it look like I was going to cheat. It is the opposite of my character, you're right, just like you truly love your boyfriend but OCD makes you think the opposite. I laugh at myself because it's gotten to the point that I've even thought about taking a polygraph test to prove it to myself... It's crazy but I have had the thought.. It takes everything in me daily not to message these girls that I actually know online to check with them to make sure I wasn't with my girlfriend while talking to them.

Today was a good day again. Don't be fooled by my posts: I still have those declines that are part of the process, but they are way less intense than they used to be. For example, when looking at a good-looking woman today, I spiked... but could get rid of the starting mind-process quite soon afterwards.

Saw my girlfriend today again at a drink of our study association, and it felt really good.

Good to hear that your days have been going well too, you're all doing better!

Lockheed

It's back. It sucks. Hard.

Lockheed

Lockheed wrote:It's back. It sucks. Hard.

Lockheed

Hey Lockheed glad to hear back from you, where I am at in the US it's Thursday January 15,2015 so I'm assuming if it is the same date where you are that you may not be seeing your girlfriend right now as it as the middle of the week. My anxiety general tends to be the worst when I am away from my girlfriend but tends to be at ease when I am with her, the same maybe true to you. I also always find that once I've gotten a lot better and then suddenly relapse it is extremely hard to get back up. What you need to do is remember that this is all fake and that you care genuinely about your girlfriend despite what your anxiety may say. You have to stand up to it and say you know what even though I've fallen down you don't control me and I am getting back up. I feel your pain my friend, my day hasn't been 100% great either. Hope to hear back from you soon.

Fireworkeyes I hope to hear from you soon as well.

Yes, true. In fact, I haven't seen her a lot in the last two weeks due to exams, which I'm really not proud of... as she's been moving to this city as well (we live in students' houses) and wasn't able to help her move. However, I spoke to her about my "chaos" (that's the term that I use whenever I talk with her about it) and I'm now a lot calmer again, thankfully.

I live in Europe and indeed it's Thursday Jan 15, but it's evening.

Hope your day will become better

Lockheed

So guys I am currently talking to a girl I met at the protest and she's trying to educate me on her "ocd" and I'm getting slightly pissed. Because she's talking about how she's ocd bc she has to refold her laundry if someone does it wrong and how she's ocd bc she organizes things and I'm like listen here you stupid bitch,

I have ocd. I have obsessed about being gay. I obsessed over not thinking about hurting my boyfriend. Thoughts of him stabbing himself. Stabbing his brothers. Me hurting him. Sexual thoughts about kids. My friends step dad. Scared to hold a knife at my job (Which I have done for a year now with no troubles). Scared of sexualizing my friends little brother to where I didn't wanna be around the kid because of my thoughts. Now I'm scared I don't wanna be with my bf, even though I do and my mind is so wrapped around it that I'm be living it. I lost weight bc of my cheating and hocd. And this girl has the nerve to talk about ocd with me? Like she has it rough?

We have ocd. All 3 of us know how #######5 it is to obsess to where it's ruining our lives.

And i hope you guys are doing good and I'm sorry I haven't been on I've been so depressed and with my bf. Our ocd will not win, it will not consume us.

I'll write about what I'm going through and my advice to you both tomorrow.

Stay strong guys, we're gonna over come this. I believe in both of you.

Hey fireworkeyes glad to hear back from you! As for the woman you are referring to well unfortunately OCD is down played a lot in society, whenever someone is putting stuff in order the first thing they say is "Oh I am so OCD!" Unfortunately people don't realize how crippling of a disease this can be and how it can get so bad some people can't even leave their house because of fear of the unknown. I wish we could change societies view of OCD and anxiety to show that it is as serious as any other disease; when's the last time you ever heard someone say "oh I'm so schizo"? Probably rarely because it's consider a serious disease.

As to you not writing back hey we're all human and can't be everyone at once,'I'm just glad you came back! So what's been going on with you and your boyfriend? You mentioned bad depression and other factors? Just remember that part of the healing process is going through tough patches, I'm going through a rough one as well. So what is it that has happened in the past few days that is causing you to feel depressed?

Update on my girlfriend and I: we are doing fairly well. I am currently in therapy and on medication but the thoughts still remain and unfortunately they've taken on a snowball effect on my mind. Right now I'm scared that when I was house sitting for a friend of mine that I went through his sisters underwear drawer and it's just now coming up.Then this morning it's making me wonder have I ever hide a camera in their bathroom and filmed her after a shower? Things I wouldn't do but my mind keeps going what if :/. OH even better it's focused on now what if I took photos of my girlfriend and uploaded them online. UGH, I HATE this disease. I swear every time I get one thing under control it moves on. I literally feel like I sound like a lunatic to you two saying these things, it sucks.

Hey guys. It's currently almost midnight, I went out to eat with my bf and my friend, went to the mall and then went to our friends house.

That girl, made me so mad when she was trying to prove to me how ocd she is and how long her panic attacks last and I'm like, are you kidding me? It all just seemed so fake, and then my friend had the nerve to message me about her relationship issues with her bf and how she thinks she has rocd and I'm like seriously go the ###$ away. And it really made me mad because she always texts me with her issues but when I'm upset she doesn't do jack $#%^ about it, so I ignored her text and went to bed. I'm thinking about uploading some vlogs on youtube and my blog to educate people on what ocd is and so people can understand. I explained to my friends mom how I have been diagnosed with ocd and she didn't believe me. So I explained and she understood. It's not being a clean freak, it's about obsessive thoughts that we want out!

My depression is basically because these thoughts are consuming me to the point that it feels very real. But I still fight them, ignore them and stay with my boyfriend. Lately, it's been mild and I think it's because I don't have coffee in my system so I'm staying away from it. I am getting coffee with a friend tomorrow but I think I'm gonna get tea or hot chocolate. It'll be nice. But, tonight wasn't as fun as I hoped. I think what I'm needing from my boyfriend is more affection and I told him I need more cuddling because it releases the bonding chemical in your brain and it helps a little for me, it makes me feel closer to him. He fell asleep the other day on me and I didn't mind, we had a great day but today I felt more like friends than lovers. And as we go more and more into the years together I know the affection becomes limited, but right now I need to feel important and loved. He keeps telling me I'm wearing ocd as a label because I talked about it openly but it's because I want to educate and need to talk about it. And I noticed we have been butting heads a lot which is causing my anxiety to go off the walls with negative thoughts. I also have noticed when I think about not wanting to be with him its the thought that's making me panic. I'm really feeling it though...is that what ocd does to you? I've been finding myself thinking about good times with him like when we first got together to try to feel something, but my mind won't let me. But I'm fighting for a reason. I love him so much, I think what I need is more therapy and to talk about it because I haven't opened up about it a lot. I keep it bottled in to the point my chest hurts, can't breathe and a headache. I'm not letting my ocd tear me and him apart. I was obsessed with him before and overnight it went away. It has to be ocd if it's all I think about. What do you think?

As for you, ocd loves to attack the people we love. When I went through the whole cheating ocd and I still have some reminders here and there, your brain is so fixated on obsessing that it purposely looks for negative things for you to worry about. So remember, if you didn't worry about it then, you didn't do it and it's not real. And it's so hard. Believe me, having a clear mind is like a blessing but you still feel like you need to worry about something. How has your thoughts been other than those two random worries? I can assure you you wouldn't expose your gf in that light, I'm asuming it's opposite of your character to ever let anyone see her like that. And I mean, I'm gonna be honest I've seen my friends underwear drawers, who are guys and I'm worried I shouldn't see that. Remember, if even if you were snooping around the house (something I'd do, haha I love looking around people's houses idk why!), you could have or might have just been snooping. Or...you never did it. If you don't clearly remember, I can assure you its no big deal and it's okay. Your ocd is targeting your gf and it wants to make you look horrible, so remember it's going to try to bring you to times or lie to you to make you lose someone you love. That's your fear, and it's doing whatever it takes to tear you 2 apart.

Sorry for not posting much lately, I've been busy. I hope everyone is doing well, thanks for keeping this post up. It means a lot and thanks for the support you guys.

Lockheed, how are you feeling? Any news? Remember, you will fall and rise again when everything is going well. Ocd loves to remind you its still there and wants you to be alone and to feel like an awful person. Head high, remember looking is one thing and acting is another. You love your girlfriend and no one can make you think otherwise.

I'll be on tomorrow!

You see, I'm not sure if this is ROCD, but at this point in time, I'm so afraid about losing her as my girlfriend. Over the past two weeks I was able to see her only once, as said, due to exams. With previous (serious) dating with another girl, not seeing her for a couple of weeks led to her cheating on me. I'm not saying that my current girlfriend will do so, but I'm just so afraid that it'll become less.

But thankfully I'll be seeing her again tomorrow, as the exams are all history now.

Lockheed

Hey fireworkeyes I'm sorry you're going through a tough time but just remember OCD isn't a disease that can be cured, it's a condition that can be controlled and managed; I have to keep reminding myself that as well. I can crumble your OCD thoughts with one thing you said "I'm really feeling it though... Is that what OCD does to you?" That statement right there is your OCD looking for reassurance thus proving that it is OCD and not your real and rational thoughts! I do agree that you creating a vlog wouldn't be a horrible idea as you can help bring light to this issue so others can find hope. The whole reason I started this thread was because I saw posts here and there about cheating OCD but not very many so I took it upon myself to bring light to it... As well as get reassurance haha! But about you and your boyfriend butting heads, this is common in any relationship and if we both didn't have ROCD we wouldn't be scared by these normal events. Remember OCD thoughts start off innocent like mine one day started with someone talking about cheating and my mind wondered "OMG what about that one night I went to that party without my girlfriend and drank a little and also had an innapropiate thought about this girl there... Did I cheat on my girlfriend?!" From there it went all down hill into a snowball effect of questioning everything. The same is true with your thoughts, you know every couple fights but your ROCD wants to latch on and make you think it's a "sign to leave" when in all actuality it is 100% normal to fight. It's crazy how our OCD can make us feel. I'd advise that you remind your boyfriend that your ROCD is just as real as his OCD/anxiety and that you just need some him to have some more sympathy for you during this time. Just remember he suffers with some fears to you and you two can help each other! I promise you your thoughts are not real and all is well!


Thank you for your help understanding my situation. I'm realizing its OCD but the mere thought that causes me to spike. It's crazy its like when I'm with my girlfriend I am calm but during the week when I'm alone and have work ect I feel guilt and fear. It comes up with anything it can to try and ruin us and it sucks. I tried to explain it to my girlfriend that my thoughts are literally like my making her a sandwich right infront Her and then telling her that it's not a real sandwich. It feels real but its actually not, it would drive anyone crazy! My OCD is at bay because I'm with her (she's asleep next to me) I just keep getting different memories and it tries to distort them to make them look like I cheated. It sucks because I'm generally a very honest person but I keep getting thoughts of how I'd sometimes thing another girl was really fine and "check her out" with my eyes it makes me feel guilty looking back at it and makes we wonder did I make advances? Then my mind starts "making up memories" that didn't happen ugh.