Fear of being a psychopath/sociopath

Hi everybody,

This is my first post on this forum so I'm gonna go ahead and introduce myself really quick. I'm a 23 year old guy whos suffered from OCD for 8-9 years now. Been in and out of mental hospitals more times than I can count, and just recently started school after being out of school for a long time.

I'm gonna try to make this as short as possible, but I apologize in advance if it ends up being too long anyway.

So as I mentioned I've had OCD for about 8-9 years, and I've had all sorts of fears. For the past 4-5 years I've had a ton of fears thats caused me so much pain. They are all somewhat different, but I guess they share a somewhat similar "trait". I guess I could put them under the category of "my fear of being an awful person". I've been terrified that I was a pedophile, I've been terrified that I sexually hurt my girlfriend, I've been terrified that I've watched something terrible without knowing it, I've been afraid of being psychopath etc.

As of right now its the psychopath/sociopath thing thats bothering me. I've had a couple of rough weeks, and I've now spent the entire day lying in bed thinking about this. Scanning my thoughts, thinking about all the things that could speak for and against me being a psychopath. The thing is, I'm not even sure if this is OCD? Does an OCD theme about the fear of being a psychopath/sociopath even exist?

I'm genuinely afraid that I am a psychopath. As I mentioned, my brain has been going through all the thngs that could speak for and against it. Theres so many things that tells me I'm a good humanbeing. But the few things thats telling me I'm an awful humanbeing, is just so much more convincing!

*May trigger*
I have to get this off my chest, and I really hope you guys wont judge me. Like most other 23 year old guys, I watch porn and masturbate frequently. Sometimes (although very rarely), I have this rape fantasy. Now I've done some research, cause this fantasy has scared me a lot, and it seems that this rape fantasy is one of the most common fantasies we humans have. Both female and male.
Also I read an article today when I felt terrible and had to do some research. It basically said that an actual rape and a rape fantasy, does not even deserve to be compared. Cause while the actual rape is an act of violence, the rape fantasy is more like "that woman is so sexy, I have to have her now, no matter what". It really really gave me a sense of relief, because that is the exact way I think, when I have this fantasy. I don't think about hurting people. Thats not the thing giving me pleasure.... I think? I guess that the terrible thing about OCD. Its even making me question that. Sometimes I even question myself if I even have OCD, or if I just use it as an excuse, to cover up for me being a sick freak?

Bottom line is that I feel absolutely terrible. I'm so afraid that I'm a psychopath/sociopath, or maybe I'm just a sadist who enjoy watching people get hurt? I don't know anymore. I just know that I wont be able to live with myself if it turns out to be true.

Thank you for reading.

Hopefully this will help ease your mind. Right off the bat I can say you are most definitely not a psychopath or a sociopath. If you were, you wouldn't be scared of being one and you wouldnt even care to wonder about it. I have severe harm-O thoughts and have the same fear as you at times. So to answer your question an OCD fear of being a psychopath/sociopath is very much a thing. As for the rape fantasy, like your research told you, it is very common so you dont really need to worry there.

As for all the questioning if you really have OCD, that is VERY common with pretty much everyone with OCD. I have doubted my diagnosis many times.You also said you are pretty sure you dont like seeing people hurt so you are also probably not a sadist.

Little bit of advice, you said you would lay in bed and think how you could and couldn't be a psychopath listen very carefully when I say DONT DO THAT. It only makes is a million times worse. You had no reason to question your sanity before and you still have no reason now.

To wrap this up: try not to worry too much about it. OCD sucks and will try a lot of tricks to scare you but dont let it. You seem like a nice guy and the farthest thing from a psychopath/sociopath.

Hi Legion,

Thank you so much for anwering and thank you for your very kind answer. You really made me feel a lot better about myself!

I'm aware that it's bad for me to lie in my bed and think about this, but it's just so hard not to, you know? :/ It literally hurts psychically if I don't. I can't function properly when I have these terrible thoughts, cause my brain is telling me I don't deserve to be happy.

Really, OCD (if it is OCD), is judging my every move. Especially everything related to something sexual, and it's really getting the best of me. I've always been very aware of what I watch, when watching adult movies. Obviously I'd never in a million years search for something illegal/someone getting hurt, but sometimes my mind is like "Stop! Are you sure this is isn't a video of someone getting hurt?". A lot of times I'll skip the video and not watch it, despite the fact that I'm like 95% sure it's just another adult video. However, sometimes I do watch it, despite not being absolutely 100% sure. Why would I watch it anyways if I'm not sure it's okay? I can't figure out if it's my rational way of thinking that's finally working, or if it's my sick and psychopathic fantasies that take over.

I seriously can't stop worrying about this. I'm not lying when I say that I will never be able to function in my life, if I did something so terrible. I literally won't be able to get out of bed. It hurts me to my very core just thinking about it! :'( Then again, why would I ever deserve to be happy if I did something so terrible?

Im glad I could help a little.

I know it is really hard trying not to think about it especially when you first start. I sometimes catch myself doing it but the longer you try the easier it gets.

As for not being sure about the adult movies, I am pretty sure everyone here (including me) has watched some questionable movies. It is just you being curious which is totally normal.

The very fact that you are so scared of hurting someone intentionally means you probably never will.

Now I have a few questions: Were you officially diagnosed with OCD? Do you have intrusive thoughts about hurting others? Do those thoughts scare you?

From what I have heard you absolutely deserve to be happy. View your OCD as a monster that feasts on fear. The more you feed it, the stronger it gets but if you starve it, it will eventually die.

You definitely help me a lot. Thank you, I really appreciate you take the time to do that.

Yeah, I'm really trying hard to stop doing stuff like that, cause I know it only makes it worse. Most of the time, I'm quite good at it, but sometimes I just get these really "dark" moments, and its almost impossible for me not to try to reassure myself.

Yeah, I guess it is. Sometimes I guess I shouldnt be so hard on myself.

I sure hope not! It really is the scariest thing I could ever think of.

Yes, I've been diagnosed with OCD since I was 15. When I say I've had OCD for 7-8 years, I mean thats how long I've been diagnosed. I've probably shown signs of OCD for way longer than that. I've had so many intrusive thoughts throughout my life. I've had intrusive thoughts about being a pedophile, about hurting girlfriends while having sex with them (to the point where I'd constanly question them about it, and they'd end up getting annoyed about it), about being a psychopath. A lot of intrusive thoughts basically. They scare me more than I could ever explain. I can't explain the feeling I get whenever I'm truly convinced the thoughts are real. Its like my world just darkens, my stomach starts to hurt, I start to feel like I'm having a fever and I get really really tired. I don't know if it makes sense.

As I also mentioned, I've been in and out of mental hospitals 10+ times (one time due to a suicide attempt cause of intrusive thoughts), and every time but one its been because of intrusive thoughts.

I'm glad you say that. Sometimes I truly feel like I wasnt meant to be happy. The things that I sometimes convince myself that I am, is scary really.

I will try all day to help. Especially since I know what kind of pain you are going through.

Trying not to reassure yourself is very hard. I still struggle with that and I definitely understand those dark moments. I almost had one yesterday but managed to pull myself out of it.

Here is the number one thing to know about intrusive thoughts: They are the exact OPPOSITE of everything you stand for. You never have to actually fear acting them out. The odds of you changing your entire personality are pretty much nonexistent. Also, i can absolutely relate to that feeling when they convince you. It has happened many times and is terrible but you can always pull through it.

You really know how to break my heart dont you? I am younger than you but can still say you have so much to live for. This OCD can be a very big problem but once you beat it you will feel amazing. I dont know what your faith may or may not be but I will be praying for you.

My OCD has convinced me of a lot of things that looking back on now are completely ridiculous. I am not saying I am completely well, like you I too have a while to go until I get there. You need to remember that there will be some bad days but you just need to stay strong and pull through them no matter what your OCD says or does.

If you need any help at anytime dont hesitate to contact me. I am in the process of making a kik account so if you ever want to ask anything you think is too private for here you can contact me there. My username is Legion.. (dont forget the two dots)

Thats very kind of you!

Definitely. For me its almost impossible at times!

Yeah, I'm glad you say that. I'm constantly trying to tell myself that, and sometimes it does ease the pain. Sometimes it's just hard. Especially right now, when they feel so real.

I'm gonna go ahead and explain something, cause again I need to get this off my chest. This is kinda what triggered me a few days ago, and made it all worse. I stumbled upon a documentary about porn on youtube. As stupid as I am, I decided to watch it, even though I knew the chances of me getting triggered were big. It showed how a lot of girls who enter the porn industry, suffer a lot from it later. How they regret doing it, and how it damaged them. I can't really say it surprised me, cause I figured a job like that isnt for everyone, however it instantly triggered me, cause... well, I watch porn. Now obviously I know theres a lot of happy porn actors, just like there is a lot of happy strippers/escorts/prostitutes, but lets face, it seems a lot of people also really suffer from these industries. Despite knowing this, I still continue to watch porn. Somehow that worries me a great deal. I continue to watch this, even though I know some girls in the industry suffer from it. Honestly that kind of tells me that there is something very wrong with me! Why would I continue watching!?

I'm sorry about that. I just thought I'd explain how painfull these thoughts are to me.

What exactly is kik? I've always wondered, but never really bothered to find out.

Your main problems seems to be OCD trying to convince you of being something you absolutely hate. Mine has been hard at work doing the same thing to the point I am avoiding the things I love to do. I used to absolutely love horror movies and technically I still do but I avoid them because I let my OCD get the better of me. Do not under any circumstances start avoiding the things you like because of your OCD. You are letting it win if you do that. Fixing this fear is a little tricky and I am still working on it. The best way to go about it is just pretty much intentionally trigger yourself. (Note to anyone reading this with HOCD or POCD or something of that sort this does NOT work) In my case, that would mean I intentionally watch a pretty brutal horror movie or play a really violent game. This will most likely raise anxiety at first but after a while I realize "hey i still love playing or watching these." In your case, just continue to watch porn as you normally would. Dont let your OCD tell you anything that scares you. If it does, just push on and give it no power to scare you.

When you get far enough into the recovery period when you dont get anxiety from OCD fears try not to fall for something called a "backdoor spike". Many recovering people with OCD fears of being a psychopath/sociopath, murderer, etc will get to the point where they have an intrusive thought or see something their OCD made scary and not feel anxiety. This is normal and good it means they are going back to normal. A lot of people believe they become their fear of being psychopath/sociopath when that happens and go right back into crippling anxiety. I nearly had one a few days ago when playing a violent game and was wondering why I had no anxiety when my character stabbed another one in the face. I was finally enjoying the game like I used before my OCD made it a problem.

And kik is just an instant messenger app. I use it to keep in contact with internet friends and some real life frienfriends.

Im going to warn you right now, this type of OCD will try to use every little trick and every little detail to make you fear something ridiculous. The biggest thing it hss used against me was, I used to read a lot about serial killers. Not because I liked what they did but because I had no idea how a person could do anything they did. That was before I knew what a psychopath/sociopath actually was so I understand now. When this OCD started it used that interest to make me fear I was a psychopath. And of course, looking back on that now, I can see it was a completely irrational fear.

Which just reminded me, one of the worst parts about all of this is just the complete irrationality of it. Such as, right now I can think rationally and realize these fears mean nothing but I can guarantee that sometime in the near future I will be panicking again because the OCD makes them seem so real. It is a terrible cycle but it can be broken. You just need to be patient.

Hi Legion,

Apologies for my late reply. I've been busy for the past couple of days with christmas.

Oh yeah my OCD definitely is trying to convince time. All the time! As it is with OCD, I want 100% certainty, but I'm just not gonna get that ever really. To give you an example: A big fear of mine has been about hurting my ex girlfriends, when we were together. I'd be terrified that I somehow hurt them (both in a sexual and non-sexual way), to the point where I'd constantly ask them. Even after breaking it off with them, I sometimes asked them. A few weeks ago I contacted my first girlfriend, a girl who I had not spoken to for about a year and a half. I contacted her cause of my fear, so I could get reassurance. The answer from her, and my other ex-gfs (cause yes, I've asked them all. sad, I know), is that I never hurt them, and that I shouldnt worry about it. Now this has to be the biggest reassurance I could get, right? This should give me certainty, but somehow it still doesnt. Cause whos to say they don't lie to me? Then I ask myself "why would they lie to you? If you hurt them I'm pretty sure they'd let you know when you asked them". Then my OCD goes "but its possible they could be lying, right?". Now obviously it is entirely possible, and guess what - then I'm not 100% sure and my OCD continues! It's ridiclous!

Yeah, I know what you mean. Been at this for far too long, and I've both had ups and downs, and been doing very good with recovery. Sadly right now is not a very good time!

Oh okay. Maybe I should try it out

Im going to warn you right now, this type of OCD will try to use every little trick and every little detail to make you fear something ridiculous.

This right here should be the very decription of OCD. My OCD will use everything and anything against me, and its so painful!

Hope you had an awesome christmas

Writing here again, as I'm really struggling. It's insane how painful OCD can be. Its wierd how the biggest bully can be inside your own head! I'm definitely having a hard time with OCD (as you probably noticed) at the moment. Normally I'm doing good, but right now I'm struggling. Luckily I'm on christmas break, so it hasnt intefered with school yet.

Does anyone else experience the constant switch in OCD fears aswell? For me, most of them revolve around sexual stuff, but they constantly switch. When one fear is gone, the next one takes over, and when theres no more fears left, they just start over. It's a neverending circle!

A big fear of mine has been about hurting my ex girlfriends, when we were together. I'd be terrified that I somehow hurt them (both in a sexual and non-sexual way), to the point where I'd constantly ask them. Even after breaking it off with them, I sometimes asked them. A few weeks ago I contacted my first girlfriend, a girl who I had not spoken to for about a year and a half. I contacted her cause of my fear, so I could get reassurance. The answer from her, and my other ex-gfs (cause yes, I've asked them all. sad, I know), is that I never hurt them, and that I shouldnt worry about it. Now this has to be the biggest reassurance I could get, right? This should give me certainty, but somehow it still doesnt. Cause whos to say they don't lie to me? Then I ask myself "why would they lie to you? If you hurt them I'm pretty sure they'd let you know when you asked them". Then my OCD goes "but its possible they could be lying, right?". Now obviously it is entirely possible, and guess what - then I'm not 100% sure and my OCD continues! It's ridiclous!

This is now the fear my OCD has "chosen" to bother me with. I desperately try to fight the fear, and not give into the OCD, but its so difficult! I don't get it. I should have all the reassurance I need, right? I mean for christ sake, the girls that I fear I hurt, told me I didnt. What more do I need? It's like I'm actually the one who think I did something wrong, not them. Again, I'm really trying not to think about, and I'm trying to fight it. Yesterday I went to a christmas party with family, even though I didn't really wanna go, and I'm hopefully going out with friends tomorrow, to get my thoughts away from this, but its really really difficult right now, and my OCD is using every single thing it can to break me. Anyone got any good "strategies" for coping when it gets really tough (to the point where you feel physically awful)?

Can't wait to talk to my therapist after the christmas break. Thank you for listening to me, and I hope everybody is having a good christmas, despite their OCD!