constant guilt. I can't stop thinking!

I've always thought that maybe I was just over thinking things, but it's come to find out that I have ocd. It started a couple years ago when I had essisive doubts. I would obsessively think about these things, but then once I started to date the guy I'm dating now, it all went away and I could control my thoughts.

I've always been cautious to what I do and how I am with the opposite sex. I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years this month and it has been the best and happiest moment of my life. He's amazing in every way and I love him to bits and pieces. But everything just slipped when I went to a protest with him, and I saw a guy and I continuously thought he was cute even when I told myself no. I dismissed the thought, but then found myself guilting about it days later to th point where I couldn't even function! I know I didn't think that, so why couldn't I let I go? I was so scared I was going to lose him if I really thought this.

Well we talked about it, and he was okay with it and just thought it was silly and joked about it. But then my obsession started to get worse. My biggest fear is losing my boyfriend. But ever since then, I have consistent thoughts that I have been a bad girlfriend. Weather it was me checking another guy out to its me even flirting with another guy!

I work with mostly men, which I talk to everyone. And I'm always very cautious with how I say or what I act. There's a boy there who I always kind of joke around with, and it's always just a funny kind of joke. He knows I have a bf, he has a gf. And one night, we were just joking around like usual, with another co worker. I don't even remember what we were joking about but I remember saying his name, and then I just kind of laughed in a way and I remember turning around saying "did I just flirt"? And I remember confidently saying no, I did not because I knew myself then. I trusted myself. I knew I would never cheat on my bf and I love him so much, why would I even do that? Did the way I laugh and say his name imply I was flirting? I like joking around with people, this kid even bugs the crap out of me when I'm at work and its busy. And I talk about my bf to him.

And now I'm guilting. This happened months ago, wouldn't have I guilted about it then if I really did? How did I go all those months without thinking about it? And now I'm scared and just constantly thinking about it. I have been able to dismiss the thoughts before, and just carry on but then it would just spike and come back. And whenever I tell myself, no I did not flirt, I feel so much guilt and I feel like I'm lying to myself. I like joking around with my Co workers. Is it a good thing that I questioned myself when it happened? Was I questioning myself or was I just being a good girlfriend and checking my standards? I'd never intentionally flirt with another guy, was I just being too friendly in my tone and thats, what's screwing me over?

But I've dismissed the thought before. Multiple times and it made me feel good and free. I've never guilted about it before. Am I guilting about how I said his name? If he was flirting with me? Because I know his tone and he even jokes around like this with a woman twice his at my job! I'm not at attracted to this guy at all. I don't even remember what the joke was about so doesn't that obviously mean I didn't do anything wrong? I love my boyfriend, I always thought I've been faithful but I feel like I have to be guilting about something. If I've went this long without even thinking twice, I'm obviously overthinking and it's making it into something else because I'm obsessing over it now trying to find the truth!

I hate having ocd because I obsess over these thoughts. They turn into something it never was before in my life. My biggest fear is losing my bf. He's the one I want to be with for the rest of my life and he said I need help, so I can be who I was before. I'm really scared that I did and it hurts me a lot because I know I was so in love with him around the time it happened and we were doing so well. Never even crossed my mind and I'm so sad because of it. I can't sleep or eat or be myself.

I want to stop obsessing over the thoughts. I want to stop over analyzing all of my actions and just be free but it makes it so hard when I live with constant guilt.

Can someone please help me find some guidance? I wanna be happy again.

hi fireworkeyes.

i'm sorry you're struggling. it sounds to me like nothing happened. trust me. and you love your boyfriend. perhaps you know it from the deepest part of your heart. yet you still keep doubting yourself.

stop analyzing. the more you analyze, i know it's not easy,though. but it's not helpful to you, to be honest.. please don't let your doubts ruin your happy relationship

hang in there, you will certainly be happy again