This is feeling way too real. (HOCD) *Tw*

For the past year, I've been battling with HOCD. If you read my previous posts, you'll get a little bit of a feel of how I acquired this.
I'm living in constant fear now.

"First of all, I'd like to say I'm a teen and have never had a boyfriend or kissed a boy yet. My first crush was in grade 2 or 3, and have always lusted after men. I never liked girls that way. At least, I don't think I did. I'm pretty sure I'd remember that. Even when my friend had to hold my hand for this science demonstration at this observatory (you know, that thing that makes your hand stand up? So cool!)I hated it and found it weird.
It started in the summer. I think I was overthinking about my life as I do a lot, and thought "what if I'm gay?" this caused me to fall into a spiral of anxiety and fear.
Even before this, I went through an experimental stage. I used to go on Cleverbot and do roleplay with it as a boy and girl. Eventually it got boring and so I did it as a girl and a girl. I probably found it different and got me somewhat aroused. I would even daydream about it. But every time I would, it would never be me as the other girl. Even to this day girl-girl stuff arouses me. I even tried using myself in the equation and I didn't like it. While this little experimental fantasy went on, I still had no doubt in my mind I was straight. I've read that other women prefer girl on girl porn rather than boy on girl."

This is an excerpt from my very first post on here. when I mention the roleplay thing, I mean I was around 13. I had no doubt in my mind I was straight. God, I wish I could go back to when my mindset was at that. A few months ago, still with HOCD, I discovered masturbation. And now, the only thning I can reach climax to is if I can imagine a girl doing stuff to me. Oral. Nothing else, just that. I can think about guys no problem when I masturbate; it actually is what turns me on in the first place. But the only way I can get to climax FAST is through that. I always feel so disgusting and upset and downright scared after I masturbate to that. when I try to imagine the same oral thing when I'm not masturbating, it grosses me out. The worst part is my mind has crafted my friend doing it. I feel like I'm almost testing myself while masturbating. But it grosses me out when I'm not and I feel sick to my stomach. It happened today and as I'm writing this I feel like crying. I looked myself in the mirror and kept saying "You're gay!" and now I'm starting to believe it. But I can't see myself doing that; I feel my chest tighten and nauseous and anxious. I can't stop the instrusive thoughts from coming and I can't STOP testing myself.
This fear is becoming greater and greater by the day. I don't have the money to go to a therapist, and I want to get rid of this on my own.
-my fear of being gay is so bad right now because I've never actually been diagonosed with OCD or anxiety. While I've been a worry-wart in the past, was anxious often and had a lot of signs of OCD, Ive never been diagonsed or tested. Personally, I think I have a form of OCD. Googling things and testing and masturbating are like my compulsions.
-i fear that I am in denial. I'm only in my mid-teens and I don't even know if I'm finished puberty yet. All I know is that a scary thought randomly popped into my head a year and a half ago "What if I'm a lesbian?" and it has ruined my brain all together. I never thought about gurls that way, even during my weird experimental phase.
- but all the while, when my panicky feelings have subsided somewhat, I do not feel like I am a lesbian. Sure, because of my 'fantasies' I know I'm not 100% straight. Straight with some lesbisn fantasies maybe?
-I thoroughly enjoy thinking about men. I love making up cute relationships with boys I find attractive in my head. I can;t imagine doing that with girls. Though with mu HOCD, my attraction goes on and off. I'll see a hot guy, think he;s hot, then my mind will go, "do you really find him hot? would you date him? are you sure you aren't gay?" even with random girls I'd test myself, "would you date her? kiss her? you sure you aren't gay?" I really like this guy right now, but all the while I STILL QUESTION IT!!
I've decided to stop masturbating. It's making everything far worse and my mind is now putting my friends into that equation. (it's disturbing it think about, really.) I've felt so ashamed after it I've cried a few times. I don't really like looking at girl on girl stuff any more; it just makes me test myself and makes me feel gross. I more have to imagine it myself. Sometimes I feel like it isn't even me being pleasured by the other girl when I masturbate.
Does anyone have any other ways to make this stop COMPLETELY? I might go to a guidance counsellor or maybe if I can find a cheap therapist to actually give me a diagnosis of OCD and/or anxiety.
Thank you to everyone on here who has helped me in the past, it truly means the world to me. Sorry how explicit this was, I just needed to get my point across. thank you so much, have a great day sorry if this is a little confusing, lol.

the things we fantasize about are not things we want usually. The only way to get rid of your OCD is through ERP therapy. Type it in google or go to page 2, 3 or 4 on this site and find the post that takes you through the steps of ERP. It should say something like "How to get rid of OCD with ERP techniques" The person who wrote that described what I did with my therapist.

Thank you for your response I looked it up and I'm confident I can do it.
I just don't understand how I can do ERP with masturabatiom/fantasy. I usually feel very anxious after I do but it's the only thing that can get me to climax fast. They're not very good climaxes when I do to girls; I'll think of a girl doing oral to me and it'll turn me on, but almost at the point of climax I think of a guy and it's much more stronger and enjoyable.
Would the simple solution to that problem just to be to stop masturbating? Again, when I'm not I think of the same thought I was thinking to get turned on and it grosses me out and doesn't get me turned on at all. Plus, I can't imagine myself actually doing that with any girl. thank you

"This is feeling way too real"

I've heard that exact phrase from hundreds of Pure-O sufferers. It doesn't even vary much.

You sound like you are hurting a lot, I hope that you can find peace

People say that it is not uncommon for straight people to have some gay fantasies during their lifetime.

If the thoughts help you to orgasm then maybe you are bi but tbh idk.