HOCD or am I just in DENIAL? *TW*

EXPLICIT CONTENT:
GUYS PLEASE HELP I AM SO SCARED I DON T KNOW ANYTHIGN ANY MORE.
Alright guys I know this has been posted many times and i have read 20 of these posts.However, after reading some these I feel good for a while then worse and worse.




I have been masturbating to girls and women since the age of 11. I have always had crushes on girls and never felt attracted to men or boys in my school. They were just my friends. I have more guy friends than girl friends. I have also never had any sexual encounters or even kissed a male, but i have never kissed a girl either. The most i have done is grind on a girl ant dances, i also remember getting erections from these dances. I have had many crushes on girls but i was never able to kiss them or make out with them, so i am very inexperienced and never experience anything wiht a girl at all, but i have always been attracted to them.

At the end of my junior year i lost a tremendous amount of weight (75 pounds), but as the year progressed i realized that i masturbated less and less. I didnt think much of it then, but after the events that will happen next it thought more of it.

So this started about 6 months ago, when I was cast in a gay role for a theatre show at my school, I am 18 btw. So i started to think that sicne i was given a gay role maybe people think i am gay. I grew up in an islamic family so they never accepted gay people, but i never minded cuz i knew gay people. As i was cast in a gay role and masturbated less than i did in my 16s and 15s i was scared that i stopped liking girls. This lead me to doubt my sexuality and cuased me to be scared if i am gay. I dont want to be gay, due to many reasons its not who i thought i was, im scared y family wont love me anymore and i was always attracted to girls.
So the summer hit and i would masturbate constantly trying to prove that i am straight. I would always be aroused but my erections would be weaker and weaker every single time i masturbated. then whenever i would hang with some of my guy firends i woudl constanly check my penis ot see if i was aroused,i never was. After time i started to think that i am straight, then i am i started receiving these thoughts of my future life where i was married to another man. I wasn't comfortable with this so i believed i was gay, at that point i started to due fantisies about gay sex but was never aroused. I then had family over and i had my cousin and i wrestled and I checked to make sure that there was no erection there was not, but i woudl keep repeating these activites to make sure i woudlnt get an erection around men.

I then met a beautiful girl where i had the biggest crush, and actually told my friends that i was dating her (overseas) before i even met her. she was a family friend. She has a boyfriend so nothing took off. i still think she is beautiful and would love to date her. then theses thoughts cam on and off about me being gay . I would be fine for a couple of days and ten really #######5 on the weekend. When i d feel #######5 i would feel my heart pumping, and i wasnt diagnosed with anxiety by a professional but that s what i thought. I then strated testing to see if i was gay so i woudl check gay porn then nude girls. Never aroused by the gay porn, but then i woudl have an erection with the strait porn. I felt really good for a while until my gay theatre teacher told me when a graduate just came out as gay and i was curious why he told me that. So then i thought maybe he thought i was gay. and if a gay guy thought i was gay maybe im secretly gay. I had really bad times, i was angry and my parents knew i wasnt myself but thought i was just a teen. So i continued to look at both gay then straight, then gay then straight and i was never aroused by the gay porn. Until one day i said im probably forcing myself not to get an erection to the gay porn so i stroked my dick will watching gay porn nothing would happen (it would expand then go back to the original position) then i would check straight porn and get erect and then i would stroke and it would stay erect. I did this for a while until, i did it to many times and at one point i think i masturbated to gay porn ( when i say masturbated i somewhat forced myself to get an erection by stroking and then watched gay porn, no cum came out but i thought that was due to the over masturbation.) i hated and felt so uncomfortable about it i want to an online chat room asked people about my situation they said that it was normal and that they( straight men ) have also done this but never thought anything of it. After that chat i felt good about myself and kinda stopped with the gay porn, felt happier, my erections were stronger to nude fanitises or girls, and i didnt have any stress at all. Then this week that exact situation happened again. and i am scared that i am gay.

Whenever i look at nude pictures of guys i dont get aroused to do feel a tingle in my area, but no erection. When i look at girls i get a semi-chub or maybe a erection, but im scared that i am gay.

is it HOCD or am i just in denial. I dont want to tell anyone because i am scared people will just say i am gay when i dont think i am and when i dont want to be.


Please help and how can i fix this.

Hi -

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

You are in a panic now. The first thing you need to do is slow down that brain from overthinking. STOP the checking, it only makes your mind confused. Your anxiety is never going to allow you to figure out the truth by watching porn or thinking about guys and women and evaluating things.

So slow down. You're not going to end up in bed with a man, or date one, or any of that if you really don't want to. You say you really like this girl, ok, so, there is your answer. But just like anxiety/OCD is wont let things be, because it is the anxiety that stirs up doubt, not the "signs" you seems to see.

The lack of sexual response happens to everyone at certain times in life. Almost anything can cause it: stress, change in diet, change in environment, depression and yes, anxiety.

The problem with people who suffer OCD (HOCD), is they see conspiracy in a combination of events that occur at almost the same time. For instance, someone is suffering a little depression. Lack of sexual response makes the wonder what is happening. At the same time they hear about a friend of a friend admitting to being gay. Add to this everything one could lose because their culture and family look down on homosexuality. These thing come together and put the person who is predisposed to anxiety and OCD in panic.

Even thought there is no evidence the above says anything about the person, they fear anyway. It isn't about logic.

On top of it, you are young, so your body through changes. Also you haven't had much experience in sexual matters (nothing wrong with that at your age). All of this will make things even more confusing.

So when you are in a panic you will do anything to get away from the fear, I understand. It's like have a fire lit under you feet.

Homosexuality and heterosexuality is NOT just about have sex with opposite/same gender. It's about the emotional connection, it's about seeing the other as your intimate partner (outside of sex), and a host of other things.

But I sense you know most of this.

Try and slow down. Stop the checking. Stop the porn. If you like a certain girl, go with that feeling. Do your best to stop asking yourself "What if" and going down that rabbit hole.

HOCD is OCD. OCD is anxiety. Sometimes getting past the HOCD will cause some other kind of OCD to occur.

So please seek help if this is getting out of control.

Otter.