Pure O and rituals

Hey everyone,

I will make this short. I have posted before but will give another quick rundown.

Well, I have struggled with OCD my entire life. Pure O to be exact. I had my first real SPIKE about 6 years ago and only had 1 or 2 hard core spikes since. Lately I been going through a ton of life stresses. Broke up with a girlfriend of ten years and moved into a new place. Also a ton of other things I wont bore you with. But I am 36 and have been dealing with this since I was 10 so I think it is time I try something. I have not gone to a therapist yet but if I cant do this on my own I will look into it.

Basically, I just recently realized what specific form of Pure O that I have. Its called emotional contamination. From what I was told, this is what it is. Lets say you sat in a chair that a gay guy sat in or a pedophile. You would fear that you would catch gay or pedophilia.

My OCD centers around sickos like serial killers. If a weird thought pops into my head I have to neutralize the thought with another thought or series of thoughts to feel the anxiety ease and feel like myself again.

So, the emotional contamination I have isnt about physically being in contact with something because its all in my head with thoughts. But the same principle. Like if a thought pops in my head that I am in a killers house or wearing cloths I saw them wear on a tv interview that I accidentally saw, I will freak out and have to cancel the thoughts. If any of this makes sense.

Anyway, lately I have been doing well with letting the thoughts be there and trying to not do rituals....

The other day I was at the dentist and he was fixing my teeth cosmetically and the moment he finished with his tool I thought of something bad. It has been driving me crazy all week. I can very easiy go back to him and have him do something again, since it is cosmetic I could just say I want it more this way or that way and he will subtly change it. But I want to keep the anxiety and let it pass so I can finally get over this. I guess it is almost like ERP. It has been a week and it is all I can think about. I know all I have to do is go back and make sure I think good thoughts right before he finishes and I will be GOLDEN... Better then golden.. I will be on top of the world. I am sure you know what I mean. when you finally get that relief you are looking for you become high with life and enjoyment. Color comes back into your world. It is short lived of course, but you can move on.

Anyway, I feel like I have this itch that I cant scratch now. I am on vacation from work next week and I cant get excited for it because this is all I can think about. I just want to go back to the dentist so bad and get that good feeling when I complete the ritual... (although there is always the chance I can make it wiorse. I can think of something even more horrible and then be screwed... Almost like if I try to hard to think of good thoughts it will make it that much harder to think good thoughts.. if you know what I mean)

So here is what I am asking.. Although I am sure I know what everyone will say....

Should I continue to go on with this horrible anxiety and try to push through it? Or should I go back to the dentist, for no reason other then get another shot at completing my ritual?

I know in the short run if I get the ritual right I will be on top of the world... But in the long run it isnt helping me. But maybe I just need to feel better this one last time and start smaller... THIS IS KINDA ONE OF THE WORSE CASE SCENARIOS for me. Its a teeth thing, which I am hugely anal about. It is something I cant easily do a ritual for because I have to go to a dentist to complete it. ETC...

Basically I thought of a serial killer right before he finished my tooth. So now I feel like I am contaminated with his weird sicko essence or something. I just want to go and think of something or someone good so I can feel like myself again....

I know this is completely ridiculous and makes no sense and its just stupid thoughts. Believe me I know this. lol... But... OCD is like... hmmmm,,, but what if.... You know.

Does any of this make sense?

I just want tio feel like myself again and I cant with this annoying itch that wont go away. Its been almost a week and its actually getting stronger, not lessoning. For year I have been saying, Okay this is the last ritual then I am going to power through not doing them anymore. But I always say, one more time. this one isnt a good one to go out on. As strange as that sounds.. So this is a pretty set in stone one. I can say my last ritual was this tooth right here. But, its SOO hard. I just want to go back and get that good feeling of feeling like me mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. But right now I feel gross and weird and anxious and UGH! just not myself at all. Like 180 degree difference..

Anyone understand this? Any Advice?

hi surfingislife..

i'm sorry to hear what you're going through.

surfingislife wrote: It is something I cant easily do a ritual for because I have to go to a dentist to complete it. ETC...

i've had the similar obsession - one of my OCs. (not dentist, i went to eye hospital LOL) so yeah i feel your pain.

surfingislife wrote:should I continue to go on with this horrible anxiety and try to push through it? Or should I go back to the dentist, for no reason other then get another shot at completing my ritual?

generally speaking, compulsions will always fuel the future obsessions. it doesn't always gonna be like that based on my personal experience. it depends on many factors.

however, in your case it seems like it will just make you feel stuck in the vicious cycle so i won't suggest you to go back to the dentist.

i'd suggest you to see a Pscyh at this point but it's certainly possible to overcome this nightmare without meds/pdoc (self help, willpower, your own method - with the good understanding of your disorder) but i think meds/therapy/pdoc will help you to help yourself.