some more help needed

I am an ocd sufferer. I think that i have staryed to like the contents of my intrusive, immoral , pedophilia, incest and jealousy thoughts. Is this my ocd becoming more severe or i m turning into a bad person? Please reply. I am confused. I dont want to act on my thoughts at all

HI ocdkill,

If you suffer OCD (been diagnosed) then your intrusive thoughts, no matter how seemingly "real" or desirous, probably stem from that.

That said, I cannot tell you exactly what is happening to you, because I am not you and I don't know you well.

This is a complicated subject in the OCD world, and not easily answered. The general idea is that most fear based, intrusive thoughts are not the same as a real desire and impulse for something. That makes sense.

Otter

I didnt get u otter. Please explain more

Sorry ocd, i am always worried about giving a 100%, don't worry answer without any substance.

Perhaps it's best if I talk from my experience. It worked like this for me.

At any given time I would have "thoughts" that jumped into my head. Thoughts about harming others, or any number of things that might be considered immoral. The thoughts really had no emotion involved, except fear. They were like lightening bolts, flashes.

So I would have these thoughts, and then start thinking about what they meant. I attached them to all sorts of horrible things I might become, or that I was already.

The combination of the thoughts, and then me thinking about it afterwards started to become so intense I got to a point where I didn't know what the truth was. All I knew was I was frightened and depressed about it.

But! If anyone were to ask me if I REALLY wanted to do any of these things, or felt good about it, I wold answer no. In other words, I had no desire for these things.

As I read about people who actually did these awful things, I realized that the difference between them and myself was that they really did want to do them - that is why they ACTUALLY DID THEM.

But the fear and intensity was so bad, that even that logic didn't help me.

That is the way my OCD hit me. I'm not sure if that is exactly what happened to you, but that is what happened to me, and how I started to understand the difference between thoughts and true desire.

My OCD doesn't affect me like that anymore.

Otter.

I am on path of recovery. But i m little confused so is my therapist. My thoughts have decreased in frequency but i feel i m developing desires to contents of thoughts. Suppose of stabbing my child to death. When this thought comes now i feel comparatively lesser anxiety but somewhere in my mind i feel that i will like to see her bleeding body n death of her.. This liking does not come always but only sometimes. When i like the thought then i feel more guilt and anxiety. I will never stab her but sudden impulse generates. I dont know whether i m in path of recovery or worsening. I have no second choice of therapist in my vicinity. Can ask him and you only. Waiting for your reply.

We are in murky waters here OCD, so I will try and be as clear as I can.

First, I'm not a professional, like your therapist. Second, I am not sitting with you and able to see how you react and ask questions back and forth.

Anything I say here is "in general". I can't give you absolute assurance about what is happening inside you and what the issues are.

So...

First: in general, everyone who suffers OCD will have thoughts that disturb them, in some form or fashion. For many, they can be extreme. Many times in my life I have had thoughts that made me ashamed of myself. I couldn't fathom where they were coming from and they crippled me inside. I was helpless to stop them. I went from concept and thoughts, to fear, disgust and depression. And they always seemed to happen at the wrong time, or were triggered by them.

Second: It's important to note, that I have had sexual fantasies that were taboo. I would never want them to happen in real life, but I did WANT to have the thought. They were not intrusive. Years later, I would discover a psychological reason why they existed, but again, they were not a manifestation of my OCD.

Lastly, IMPULSE. Some disagreements might had when discussing impulses and OCD. Of course, impulse is in play when we talk about compulsions. But in general, I believe that the impulse to actively do something is not created by OCD itself. I may get come flack for that, but in general, I don't see a an act (against ones wishes) in the real world can be compelled by OCD.

Here is any example.

Let's say, every time I leave work I see the same guy coming in my direction. And every time he passes me, my thought tells me to trip him and hurt him. So every time I see him I get anxious and I have this thought. After a while it has gotten to the point where I really think it is going to happen. I am afraid to even seem him anymore.

Someone with OCD will never trip the person. They will spend all the time feeling the intense anxiety and intrusive thoughts about the act, that will confuse them into thinking they are a mean person and the kind that would hurt someone for nothing.

Now let's take one definition of impulse:

a sudden strong and unreflective urge or desire to act

Impulse, is the desire to trip this man and hurt them. Someone who sees the man, has an impulse to trip, and then DOES trip him and hurt him, has different problems. To me, this is not OCD.

I'll bet you are suffering intrusive thoughts, not impulses. But it is not for me to say. Get with your therapist and discuss in detail, how the process of these thoughts start, what you go through and how they resolve. Discuss when they happen, how long they take, how it affects your body and whether there are any true impulses, as defined above, or whatever definition your therapist has for impulse.

Otter.

I m severly confused. Writing as much clear as i can. Just now i was thinling of my life after getting a good job. I was happy in my thoughts enjoying the free life. Just then a thought came that i will be free if my family dies. That freedom will be same. I became happy with that freedom also. Then shot up the anxiety thinking that i want death of family. Feeling hell og anxiety that god will punish me severely for liking such heinous thought . this is the hell i m living in... Please reply asap