Am I a pedophile? Desperate for some help and perspective.

Hi.

I made an account here a couple of years ago, but then never used it.
Now I'm at a point where I feel this is the perfect place for some answers to what I'm going through.

I'm a 17 (18 soon) year old male, and I'm very worried, that I'm a pedophile.


Now, through some recent findings, I've realized this might be another manifestation of Pure O OCD, something I've had before.
So I'll be posting this both in the OCD section of the forum, and in here to try and get as many opinions as I can, to then take the next step.
(I hope posting this in both is allowed, my apologies if not.)


Anyway, onto how this began and what the problem is.

This happened when I was 15 years old.
The worry started with a thoguht. The thoguht was, "What if I'm a pedophile?"

What followed, was me looking back into my past, in a panic, to try and remember if I'd ever been in some instance, sexually attracted to children.
To my horror, I found that there had been a couple of cases.

The first one, was while I was watching a TV show.
On this show there was a little girl that at the time I thought I was attracted to.
I remember getting a semi erection ( I think), and then trying to masturbate to the thoguht of her.
It's incredibly difficult for me to write that down for people to read, too.

When I remembered this, I was really, really anxious about it.
I felt sick, and it just felt like the end of the world.

The first thing I did once I'd remembered this, was to go back and watch the program again, to see if I was still attracted to this girl.

What I found though, was that I wasn't. Not at all.
I can remember her in my head now too, and thinking about her, I'm not attracted to her at all.


The second thing that I remembered in terms of attraction towards children, was when I was 10 or 11 years old.
I remember there was this girl, about 6 years old, that for a period of time ( can't remember how long exactly but it wasn't very long at all)
I had these intense sexual thoughts about.

Again though, now, looking back and thinking about this girl, I have no sexual attraction to her what so ever.


However, these two instances have sparked this whole thing off, and now I really don't understand myself.

When they happened, they just went away very quickly, and I thought nothing of them.
They were just a blip in my other wise very strong, hetro sexual orientation towards girls my own age and older, and always has been.
I've never had any other random feelings like that since.



After remembering those two occasions, in a shaking panic, I went to the internet, and started to search for as much information as I could on pedophiles, to determine weather or not I was one.
I wanted to know weather a 15 year old could be one, what age pedophilia develops, weather having thoughts like that makes you a pedophile, what the symptoms were, what exactly the condition is, etc, etc, etc.
It just went on and on.
I was looking for every little detail possible, to try see if there was something wrong with me, or more importantly, to try and prove that there wasn't.

Doing all this research didn't really lead anywhere, and whenever I found something that would somehow prove that I wasn't a pedophile, I'd be relived for a short while, until I had another doubht or "what if?" thoguht, and then I'd be back down the same track again.

Nothing got resolved, the relief I got from finding things that were reassuring was very temporary, and I was really in despair.



I'd like to mention my sexuality in general.
Since I was about 9 years old, I've been into girls my own age and older.
My first sexual experience, was masturbating to the images of an attractive woman, when I was 9.

Ever since, I've lived an entirely hetro sexual life.
I've had numerous crushes on girls my own age and older, and lots of celebrity crushes too since then.
And of course, I still have all those things.
I'm at college now, and there are lots of attractive girls I fancy, various different crushes on both girls my own age, and women, that I've had in the last year or so.

Never, apart from those two instances I mentionsd from when I was younger, have I felt the way I do about girls my own age and older.
When I think about what turns me on, it's women, and girls my own age.

Until this worry, I wouldn't have ever questioned the fact that I was attracted to girls my own age.

It's this uncertainty that came on from what I explained happened above, that made me question weather I was attracted to children also.



Back to the story . . .


Along side this vigerous and extensive research for hours and hours on the web, I would try to test myself in various ways, in attempts to see if I was attracted to kids, and so a pedophile.

One way I did this was to simply think about them, either just normally or in sexual situations, to see if I was attracted to them or not.
While thinking, I would try to see if there was a groinal response, or to try and think in my mind weather I felt attracted or not.

This never really worked.
Sometimes I would get these groinal twitches, and I'd become very down and presume that I was a pedophile, but often, nothing happened, and as far as trying to tell weather I was attracted, I could never tell. Occasionally I thoguht I felt what was attraction, but then that just made my anxiety worse, and even then I couldn't tell if it really was attraction or it wasn't.
Thinking about women and people my own age, I could instantly tell when I got the feeling of attraction, but when thinking about children that was never there. ( I don't think, but maybe it was? )
Just this overwhelming anxiety, that got even worse when there was any inclining of a possible attraction to whatever I was thinking of.

Something else I tried occasionally was masturbating to the thoughts.
I would try but then never really go through with it.
Instead of proving weather I was attracted or wasn't, all that did was cause me immense anxiety and feeling of guilt.
occasionally, perversely I thoguht I felt I liked the thoughts, but then again could never really tell.
This again causing me great upset.
I also could never decide weather the thoughts disgusted me, which greatly distressed me.


When I was out and about, I'd look at kids passing by to see if I was attracted to them, too.

While all this research, reation testing, etc was going on, Inbetween all that I'd get more "what if" thoughts, about what would happen if I were in fact a pedophile.

"What if I can't ever have kids for fear of being attracted to them (can't change nappies without being aroused, bath time etc?"


"What if I can't have a real relationship because his worry will always be at the back of my mind?"

"What if I start to become more and more pedophilic?"

"What if I start losing my attraction towards adults and people my own age?"


There were honestly, dozens upon dozens of these.
Pretty much for each one, I'd go online and research it to try and prove it wrong.
I'd find some good news and that thought would then be irrelevant, only to be replaced with another one.

After a couple of days of this I began to doubt my attraction to mature females.
This comes and go's, but when the anxiety is at it's worst, sometimes I feel I've lost my attraction for women and girls my own age.

I then started to look for pictured of cute children or pretty children on the web, (not pornograhic obviously, just normal images) again to test if I was attracted to them.
I'd look at the same picture for ages, trying to decide weather I felt attracted or not.
Often I'd say, "no, I'm not at all, I'm being rediculous", and then other times I'd be on the verge of tears ( Sometimes I actually did cry) because I thoguht I was attracted.
I'd then often go away, come back to the image that got me so upset to test again, and then think "actually I'm not attracted to her"
This cycle might go on a few times, and the same with different photos.

I'd then also avoid little girls, not because I thoguht I'd abuse them (I know I could never do that) but for fear that I might be attracted to them.

I felt I couldn't differentiate what I thoguht was cute, from sexually attractive.
I would always ask, "do I just find here cute? Or is it something more?"



All in all, after a few weeks with this, all of the above often took up hours my day, and I was left with this feeling of pointlessness to everything in my life.
Understandably, I just so desperately wanted things to go back to how they were before I had these worries.



This same issue has been going on for three years now.

During that time, I've often reassured myself that I'm not a pedophile, but it never lasts very long.
The longest it went away for was a few months, but then while reassured, a thoguht popped into my head, "what if actually, I'm just in denial about being a pedophile?" , which set the whole thing off again.

That time period of a few months where I wasn't worrying, were due to an article I found while searching for information about pedophiles.

throughout those 3 years, and through my extensive research into the matter, I came across a form of OCD called POCD.
There was an article by a man called "Robert Lindsay".
He addressed an OCD "Theme", where by the OCD'er would worry obsessively that that they were a pedophile.
As he went on to describe what "POCD" was, pretty much every symptom he mentioned, I resonated with entirely.

Those points I described above, allot of them he mentioned as being key signs of POCD.


Now, I do have intense OCD.
I do allot of compilations. (counting, hygenes, etc;)
I have a routine that lasts about half an hour before I go to bed.
And I worry about things ALOT.

For example, I have this ongoing, what is said to be totally irrational fear, of developing a blood clot, and dying.
I have to go on long walks, to loads of stretching to do what I think is preventing it.
All the stretching has to be an equal amount of times in each leg, and not too much for fear that that in itself could cause a blood clot.

I've had other what I realize now are likely "themes" of OCD too, but often they come and go and get replaced with others.
There have been maybe three that have stuck for a long time.

Funnily enough, I also worried for about a year once when I was 10 years old, that I'd accidentally clicked on child porn on the web , and that at any point the police were going to come and knock down our front door, and take my dad to prison.
I remembered searching on the internet for "hot 10 year olds" (I was 10 years old myself), which obviously at that age I had no idea was an illegal.
I worried that some how the police would go to google and it would flag up on the system and like I said, they'd send a swat team and take my dad to prison because they thoguht it was him who searched it.

If this pedophile worry is in fact OCD, then I believe it to be a replacement of the other one about child porn and the police that I've just mentioned.

That worry went away, only for me to then worry a few year later "What if I"m a pedophile?", which replaced it as I realized the first one was an irrational fear.


OCD has been controlling my life to a large degree for a few years now and it's gotten worse, so maybe this pedophile worry is just another OCD fear?
I really have no idea what to think at the moment.



This is the first time I'm telling other outside of my family, and I'm hoping to get some answers on what exactly I am.

On this site, the advantage is that there are both pedophiles, and people with OCD.
Both parties I figure are going to recognize instantly weather this is some form of OCD, or pedophilia, so I ask both of you to please help me figure this thing out, so then I can hopefully try and move forward somehow.


What do you think I am?


Thank you very much, and sorry it was long.


- J

Never, apart from those two instances I mentionsd from when I was younger, have I felt the way I do about girls my own age and older.
When I think about what turns me on, it's women, and girls my own age.

EDIT:


Never, apart from those two instances I mentioned from when I was younger, had I felt that way about young children.
When I think about what turns me on, it's women, and girls my own age.



- Got mixed up there! :p

LoungeLizard96 wrote:To my horror, I found that there had been a couple of cases.

If it was just like a one time thing then it probably doesn't mean anything.
Pedophiles don't just have a couple of cases where they found a child attractive. its an everyday thing for us.
It sounds like you have POCD. I think that you have nothing to worry about. ^_^

Definitely nothing to worry about. Trust me, if you were sexually attracted to children, you would know it.

I find it interesting that you worry so much about it when there's really no evidence at all that you're a pedophile. You say that you're attracted to women your age, and every time you try to "test" yourself to see if you like children, you find that you're not attracted to them, but you question yourself about it, almost as if you're trying to force yourself to be attracted to them. If you were a pedophile, you wouldn't have to question it, and you wouldn't have to test yourself to find out, or force yourself to be attracted to a child.

It definitely just sounds like pocd. I wanna be able to tell you to not worry about it anymore cause i see how distressing it is for you, but i know it's not that easy. But you really don't need to worry about it.

Dita's very right. You don't need to worry about these attractions. From the sounds of it, you're worrying yourself too much. The only thing you need worry over is the distress your POCD is causing. After all, you're clearly not on top of the world.

I hope that what reassurance you can get on PsychForums will assist you in your recovery from these thoughts, but it might not be sufficient. Don't be afraid to chase up some more help offline if these thoughts don't recede. As far as I'm aware, we're simply another form of research that you could very well dismiss with time. And we don't want that to be the case; I'd hate for your stay here to only be a short pause in your worry as opposed to real relief.

My best advice is to avoid your compulsions. Try not to "check" or "test" your attraction – and even though it's tough, try to cease the research into it too. Considering our versatility despite being a minority, it can't be too difficult for someone to find a coincidence between themselves and other paedophiles, and then obsess over this.

Focus instead on the evidence against. I don't know how difficult it would be, but try to engage yourself more with what you believe you're really attracted to. Fantasies are there for your enjoyment, not for your disorder. Don't be afraid to enter a relationship with a woman that you want to be attracted to.

I'm sure that's all far easier typed out than it is done – but we're pushing you forwards because the last thing any of us want is for you to drag yourself down with your upset. You don't deserve this. You deserve to enjoy your sexual and romantic experiences. Don't let OCD bring you down.

Rinkusu wrote:

LoungeLizard96 wrote:To my horror, I found that there had been a couple of cases.

If it was just like a one time thing then it probably doesn't mean anything.
Pedophiles don't just have a couple of cases where they found a child attractive. its an everyday thing for us.
It sounds like you have POCD. I think that you have nothing to worry about. ^_^

Well, yeah.

I mean I've never had that since. Its just when I test myself, I can't tell weather I'm attracted or not.

Thanks for the reassurance. Your comment was the first I got, so thanks very much.

-- Thu Oct 16, 2014 5:08 pm --

Dita wrote:Definitely nothing to worry about. Trust me, if you were sexually attracted to children, you would know it.

I find it interesting that you worry so much about it when there's really no evidence at all that you're a pedophile. You say that you're attracted to women your age, and every time you try to "test" yourself to see if you like children, you find that you're not attracted to them, but you question yourself about it, almost as if you're trying to force yourself to be attracted to them. If you were a pedophile, you wouldn't have to question it, and you wouldn't have to test yourself to find out, or force yourself to be attracted to a child.

It definitely just sounds like pocd. I wanna be able to tell you to not worry about it anymore cause i see how distressing it is for you, but i know it's not that easy. But you really don't need to worry about it.

Well, I don't think I'm attracted to them, but I don't know.
Sometimes I just can't tell.

Like I said, with my normal attraction to women, I can instantly tell I'm attracted.


You said it right when you said about forcing myself.

When I'm doing the testing, it becomes incredibly frustrating.

I try so hard to tell weather I'm attracted or not.
Sometimes I feel I am, and it really freaks me out.

The main thing in that Regard is the fear of denial
.

I'm worrying that I can't tell weather I'm attracted or not, because I'm in denial.
That actually, I'm subconsciously not letting myself know that I'm attracted, because I don't want it to be true.


If it's POCD like you've all suggested, then hopefully the worrying about denial is just another manifestation of the constant worrying.


Thanks allot for the reassurance, it means allot.

Sideline wrote:Dita's very right. You don't need to worry about these attractions. From the sounds of it, you're worrying yourself too much. The only thing you need worry over is the distress your POCD is causing. After all, you're clearly not on top of the world.

I hope that what reassurance you can get on PsychForums will assist you in your recovery from these thoughts, but it might not be sufficient. Don't be afraid to chase up some more help offline if these thoughts don't recede. As far as I'm aware, we're simply another form of research that you could very well dismiss with time. And we don't want that to be the case; I'd hate for your stay here to only be a short pause in your worry as opposed to real relief.

My best advice is to avoid your compulsions. Try not to "check" or "test" your attraction – and even though it's tough, try to cease the research into it too. Considering our versatility despite being a minority, it can't be too difficult for someone to find a coincidence between themselves and other paedophiles, and then obsess over this.

Focus instead on the evidence against. I don't know how difficult it would be, but try to engage yourself more with what you believe you're really attracted to. Fantasies are there for your enjoyment, not for your disorder. Don't be afraid to enter a relationship with a woman that you want to be attracted to.

I'm sure that's all far easier typed out than it is done – but we're pushing you forwards because the last thing any of us want is for you to drag yourself down with your upset. You don't deserve this. You deserve to enjoy your sexual and romantic experiences. Don't let OCD bring you down.

Thank you for the kind words.

If it's POCD, I need to look forward to getting better.

Hopefully the kind people I've met on here some far can help me with that.


Good advice on trying to not do the compultions.
I guess that's the wahy forward if OCD is what I've got.

From a little research online today, it seems the therapy is fairly simple, but very difficult.


Thanks allot, really appreciate it.

LoungeLizard96 wrote:Thank you for the kind words.

If it's POCD, I need to look forward to getting better.

Hopefully the kind people I've met on here some far can help me with that.

You're only too welcome; that's why we're all here. If you ever need any more support, never hesitate to drop me a PM – or the less intimate alternative, you can just come back to the forums. But I'll always be willing to provide my substandard input.

I think what you've stated above is a really important message to hang onto. Recovering means that the intrusive thoughts will dissipate, thus you can relax.

It's pretty easy to feel defeated when you first try to recover: nobody handles it well at first when they realise they were believing something untrue, OCD or not. In the long run, the satisfaction of deluding your mind through "so I was right!" will only further your distress as you believe all the disadvantages attached to paedophilia apply to you.

Recovering from POCD, to me, is like losing a battle to win a war. It can be difficult to look past your initial defeat, but once the enemy surrenders, that's when you truly get peace.

Sideline wrote:

LoungeLizard96 wrote:Thank you for the kind words.

If it's POCD, I need to look forward to getting better.

Hopefully the kind people I've met on here some far can help me with that.

You're only too welcome; that's why we're all here. If you ever need any more support, never hesitate to drop me a PM – or the less intimate alternative, you can just come back to the forums. But I'll always be willing to provide my substandard input.

I think what you've stated above is a really important message to hang onto. Recovering means that the intrusive thoughts will dissipate, thus you can relax.

It's pretty easy to feel defeated when you first try to recover: nobody handles it well at first when they realise they were believing something untrue, OCD or not. In the long run, the satisfaction of deluding your mind through "so I was right!" will only further your distress as you believe all the disadvantages attached to paedophilia apply to you.

Recovering from POCD, to me, is like losing a battle to win a war. It can be difficult to look past your initial defeat, but once the enemy surrenders, that's when you truly get peace.

Wise words, thank you.

Thanks for the PM offer, that means allot.

Sounds like the usual POC story.

Usually I wouldn't use the word pedophile at all. It's a label, and labeling people doesn't respect the living soul which is a person.

I'd use instead an expression like' sexual thoughts and feelings about girls'. Put like that it's not such a big deal; lots of people have sexual thoughts about little girls, some have more, some have less. I doubt there are may guys who have had none.