Really bad OCD and anxiety?

Hi everyone! This is my first post on Psychforums, so I apologize if this post isn't on the right forum.

For nearly two years now, I have been going through quite an episode of OCD, anxiety, and hypochondria; and it's getting to a point where I'm concerned that something is serious is wrong with me.

This current phase of my life has its roots in my early teen years. My mom decided to start homeschooling me and my sister when we were in seventh grade and tenth grade, respectively. Over the next four years, I developed pretty bad social awkwardness and a disinterest in school. Since I was home all the time, I had unlimited access to the Internet, video games, and other things I liked more than schoolwork.

Then 2013 arrives. For the first few months of the year, two things began to happen: my mom got a job for the first time in me and my sister's lifetime, and I started to have intrusive thoughts about swear words (which actually started in December the year before). Once my mom got her job, I sat home alone for most of the time and did nothing. I didn't want to apply myself in homework and I was very preoccupied with my intrusive thoughts.

Once the summer hit, I started my first job, my intrusive thoughts got worse (and I eventually ended up SAYING my thoughts as a compulsion), and my view on life began to change because of all of this. When the fall arrived, I let my mom now about what had been going on (I was too ashamed to tell anyone ), and she quit her job about a month later (for partially unrelated reasons). During the fall, I was having a great deal of trouble doing homework. When I would try to think on a complex level (e.g. algebra 2, English comp) it would almost feel as if my mind was blocking up and I physically couldn't think any further.

This mindset continued (and got a little better) until the end of this past March. What happened at the end of March was the single event that triggered my hypochondria that has continued to this day. I was home alone one day, I got out of the shower and went to my room and closed the door. When I closed the door, however, I imagined that there was a black monster with tentacles in my living room. I initially freaked out because of the thought and from the fact that I closed myself into one room in my house when no one was home (if that makes sense), but after a few seconds, I walked out of my room to prove to myself that there was nothing there.

As I stated earlier, this was the single moment that sent me into a huge bout of fear that I was going crazy (I will also add that my aunt developed schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder the year before, and this also affected my a little bit). Ever since that moment, however, I've been obsessively looking up the symptoms of schizophrenia, particularly the prodromal period, and the things that I've read about it have made me incredibly concerned about my mental health.

I've been afraid of the prodromal period of schizophrenia because I match quite are large portion of the symptoms. There are a lot of other symptoms that I don't match, such as attenuated psychotic symptoms, but others such as irritability, anxiety, and disinterest in things I match quite accurately.

Some of my thoughts include stuff that schizophrenics mainly think, such as being watched, poisoned, and followed, and things not being real. But, I don't know if this was caused by me googling so much or what. My pica disorder experience is interesting too. I ate sand out of the sandbox when I was four and I ate notebook paper when I was 11 until just a few months ago. I think I did both of those because I liked the sensation in my mouth.

One of my compulsions to "prove" that I don't have schizophrenia is looking at the hollow mask illusion. But I've looked at it so many times that I can kind of tell that the mask is hollow when looking at the edges of the mask. I also think quite a bit about my risk factors for schizophrenia to "make sure" that I am or am not going to get it. My risk factors are having OCD for as long as I can remember, a mildly fantasy prone personality, pica disorder, one relative with psychosis, multiple changes in handwriting slant, acting out one-person conversations and fantasy scenarios (I've always done these though), I sometimes say things multiple times under my breath (I'm a combination between Jimmy Two-Times from Goodfellas and Brick from The Middle), being smart as a young child, eccentric clothing (I like to wear shirts with interesting things written on them and a high-visibility sweatshirt).

I will also add that I've let my sister (she has a bachelor's degree in psychology, is working at a psych clinic, and is starting her graduate studies soon) and my personal care physician know about my concerns, and they both said that I'm not schizophrenic.

I just don't know what's going on right now. I'm afraid that I'm prodromal because of what I've been going through: thoughts of a schizophrenic nature, poor mood, my risk factors, my age (18), and a very small family history of mental illness. Can you tell I've googled too much?

I'm not looking for a diagnosis because that isn't possible over the internet and it's against the rules, nor am I trying to dispute a diagnosis because I've never been officially diagnosed, but I am looking for other people's thoughts on all of this. And I want this to be my only post on here because I don't want to be that person that always complains on the forum about my issues. One last thing, here's some of my information: I'm 18, never done drugs and don't plan on doing so, never hallucinated, have ADD or something similar, and my risk factors listed above.

I will appreciate any and all answers and will provide details upon request. Thanks for your contribution!

Hi WG -

I have mirrored this to the OCD forum. Even if you don't intend to return or make another post I would like this to be part of that forum too. Responses will appear in both forums.

I think what you are attributing to hypochondria, might be OCD symptoms or something else, but not hypochondria.

You are right, that we cannot diagnose. However, a lot of what you have gone through, I have gone through as well. I have been diagnosed with BP, schizoaffective disorder and OCD. Most of what you described was a manifestation of my OCD.

Having your GP, and sister with the Psych training, tell you that you are not schizophrenic is a good starting point. My advice would be to be to seek out a therapist or psych, that isn't family, and put everything before them.

I would stop doing research at this point as well, or do it in conjunction with a therapists/pdocs advice. Research can be an excellent way to sort out the confusion and fear we might be having, but at some point it can turn on us, or simply stop being of any use because we don't have the training to draw conclusions, or may be heading in the wrong direction.

I don't think posting here would be seen as complaining. You seem like a thoughtful and intelligent person, who knows how to write well. I and others would be interested to know how you proceed and what decisions are made, if you are willing to share.

Whatever the case, good luck to you,

Otter.

Worriedguy65 wrote: family history of mental illness

THE CRUMBLING PILLARS OF BEHAVIORAL GENETICS
By Jay Joseph

http://www.councilforresponsiblegenetics.org/genewatch/GeneWatchPage.aspx?pageId=384


The “Missing Heritability” of Psychiatric Disorders: Elusive Genes or Non-Existent Genes?

http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10888691.2012.667343?journalCode=hads20

No genetic influence for childhood behavior problems from DNA analysis.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24074471


Being Democrat or Republican runs in families too, do they think that is genetic as well ?

I guess what I meant by this being my "only post" is that I don't want to use psychforums as a means of reassurance and end up writing a million and five posts on here. I'm also quite surprised at how much information I left out of the post despite its length.

I'm not able to see a therapist because I asked my parents so much about my problems that they both told me to not talk about my problems ever again.

On top of that, when I told my mom about my fear of being in the onset of schizophrenia, she threatened to commit me to a psychiatric hospital because I "was so crazy." She did this out of frustration and shock though as she didn't believe I was truly psychotic.

@Copy_Cat It's funny that you mention political parties because I'm learning in college right now about how a family's political party might be genetic. I don't know if that's true, of course.

You really do need to see a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist can put your mind at ease regarding schizophrenia and also get your OCD/hypochondria/anxiety treated. Your parents also need education about your disorders to deal with their frustration and hopefully get them to stop their unhelpful reactions. You probably know better what would work with them, but if it were me, I'd stop trying to get reassurance from them regarding your schizophrenia fears and just ask them point blank to see a psychiatrist. If your mother really thinks you're being "crazy" she might see the logic in it.

If that doesn't help - talk to your primary doctor and get their support. They may be able to convince your parents. I don't know what age you are, but you may also be able to get mental health treatment without needing your parents' consent.

I also agree with Otter researching on the Internet can really fuel hypochondria. If you can stop it, or cut it down - do.

Nobody can ever tell you for sure you will or won't get schizophrenia - on some level you have to accept the unknowables in life. But the "prodromal" symptoms you're worried you have in schizophrenia are completely nonspecific. They can't be used to diagnose. Even people who have attenuated psychotic symptoms (which you don't) - the majority do not turn out to become schizophrenic.

You also may want to start working on accepting some of the existential realities of life. Not only are some things unknowable, a lot of things are uncontrollable. We're human - we can get sick. We can die. And one day we will. We can't stop that train. The best we can do is try to take care of ourselves and live as well as we can right now.

@angelina4 I'm 18 years old. I have absolutely no idea how I'd be able to see a psychiatrist because of how my family is acting about me. I haven't told anyone that I'm still struggling with my problems since about early August, and no one has really noticed anything is (still) wrong with me. I guess I can act real well.

But, as far as my parents acting weird about mental disorders, both of them have a strange view. My dad has the stereotypical knowledge of mental disorders. If someone is worrying about something or is a perfectionist, he labels that person as "OCD." He also, depending on the type and severity of the issue, will tell someone that they just need to "get over it." My mom has a better view of mental disorders, but my issues, and even my sister's previous issues, made her very annoyed us. See, my sister was struggling with the whole intrusive thoughts/OCD stuff when she was starting high school (it has long since stopped). I remember her telling me that she was having images of murders popping into her head, swear words, and other kinds of intrusive thoughts.

When she finally told my mom years ago, my mom apparently got mad at her and told her to "take authority over those thoughts" (we're a Christian family, if that explains anything). Which, of course, doesn't work with OCD, as I have seen this entire time.

For the last several days, I've been trying to avoid googling, which is working pretty well, but ever since then, my weird complex where I feel like I can't get organized, focused, getting bored easily, and feeling like I'm directionless has returned. I'm not sure. I just wish that my old state of mind would come back to me and that I could go through these critical years of my life with a clear mind that won't affect my decisions.