ROCD: help for the one without it

Hi,

To be honest I came across this forum when I was googling for support for those of us in relationships with partners who have OCD/ROCD. There was a post about a year ago on here from someone who I completely identified with and after reading the responses I figured I would post myself to get some more clarity.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 years. He was diagnosed with OCD 13 years ago. He is currently taking Zoloft and as of recently clomazepan (I think) and on a waiting list to start behavioural therapy. His OCD is primarily obsessional thoughts and our relationship has never been the subject of choice of his OCD until this past Saturday.

I try to understand OCD as much as possible, have done a lot of research and have always encouraged him to seek help. I bought him "The OCD Workbook" which is he currently working through. Ultimately though, as I do not have OCD I do not know what he is going through.

He is on the verge of wanting to end our relationship temporarily he says because he feels enormous guilt for having all these doubts about our relationship now. He tells me deep down he knows he loves me but can't help feel like any good thing about me is always counteracted by an irrational negative thought. At one point he analyzed photos of us together to make sure my head wasn't larger than his.

I am at a complete loss at what to do. He doesn't know what he wants. He says he can't decipher reality from not reality. And as much as I'm aware it's ROCD, it's hard not to feel heartbroken, insecure and irrational myself over all of this. I can't help but feel like he's choosing to end things because it will lessen his anxiety and make him feel better because he is "sparing" me from all his negative thoughts about out relationship without any regard for my feelings, no matter how often I tell him it's not what I want.

I am desperately reaching out to anyone who can provide me with some support who has gone through anything like this with their partner. How did you cope? Did you stay together or separate? I need someone to tell me what to do because after all this time it feels like my entire world is crumbling beneath me and everything I ever knew is falling apart.

Any help would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Hi Alh,

I'll tread carefully here because I have never had POCD (one of the few that I haven't), nor have I had a partner who had it, but I had some questions and a few comments about OCD in general.

Did he go into to detail about why he felt compelled to examine both of your heads to make sure yours was not bigger? Is there a reason for this, even if it is irrational, as so many OCD thoughts are?

It's good to know that he is proactive about trying to treat his OCD. I assume he has been seeing some sort of doctor to get his Zoloft refilled, but is it a Psych or just a GP? A good many time people who suffer OCD have other issues to deal with, like depression. But sometimes this goes undiagnosed and untreated.

You say he is on the verge for ending the relationship because of his OCD. Perhaps you can temper this by telling him to wait until after his therapy has been going some time. At the same time, maybe he can go back to the doctor who gives him Zoloft and tell them that the Zoloft doesn't seem to be helping the severity of his OCD.

Relationships are difficult thing, even without OCD. I am sorry this is causing such confusion and pain. Maybe by setting up a timeline to reexamine things after he has started his therapy will stop him from vacillating for the time being, and obsession from moment to moment, about the relationship.

Otter.

Hi Otter,

Thanks for replying. To answer some of your questions, it was his GP who prescribed him the meds. And when all of this started happening it was his GP who sent him to a crisis team who upped his medication and said someone would contact him for therapy shortly.

As for the head sizes, his ROCD makes him search for flaws. He was thinking that if my head was bigger than his that A) something was wrong with him and B) we weren't meant to be together.

I have attempted to discuss with him waiting until his new medication dosage and the therapy starts before making any decisions but in his mind he feels like he is sparing me from pain. He says he can't look at me and feel all these doubts. He feels like he is lying to me. Which I suppose I understand but I keep feeling like pushing me away is to only make himself feel less anxious and less guilty.

I just don't know how to cope with it. Do I give him space or not?

Thanks for your help.

alh022 wrote:Hi Otter,

Thanks for replying. To answer some of your questions, it was his GP who prescribed him the meds. And when all of this started happening it was his GP who sent him to a crisis team who upped his medication and said someone would contact him for therapy shortly.

I have never dealt with a "crisis team" after a GP's recommendation. I assume a crisis team is probably for short term, and therapy (when he gets it) is more prolonged. Since he is on medication it might be helpful to think along the lines of Psychiatric help at some point. There he will have someone who is trained to deal with medication and symptoms. I guess we can see what "therapy" means in this case (i.e what kind and how long).

alh022 wrote:As for the head sizes, his ROCD makes him search for flaws. He was thinking that if my head was bigger than his that A) something was wrong with him and B) we weren't meant to be together.

This is a tricky one, so take it with a grain of salt. Maybe someone who is closer to ROCD can chime in. In my experience with OCD a point between "thoughts" and "beliefs" is where I get stuck and where the anxiety hits worse. For instance (slight trigger warning to others), let's say I come home from a hard days work and I wave to my neighbor. He is kind of a creepy guy to begin with and this time he looks at a little longer and gives me a short wave. Suddenly my thoughts start to tell me that he is going to do harm to me very soon. I can't stop the thoughts, and I start to panic. Deep down I know I am thinking irrationally, but I can't stop the thoughts from telling me "what if". I don't act on anything (like buying a gun), but I am in battle with my thoughts.

It can be debated at what point something stops being symptoms of OCD and become something else. In other words, let's look at it as a process - 1st - thoughts, 2nd - belief, 3rd - actions. For me, all of my irrational thoughts linger between 1 and 2. I never really believe my irrational thoughts, but I can't stop the "what if". I think once belief is total, and someone takes actions on the belief then we are talking about something else, perhaps co-morbid with the OCD.

So, I wonder how much he actually believes in this "head" theory, or are they just intrusive thoughts that he is trying to satisfy with compulsion (by looking at your heads he is satisfying the thoughts that wont leave him alone.) That would be more like what I have experienced (doing something to make the thoughts go away - not the actual belief in what the thoughts are saying).

alh022 wrote:I have attempted to discuss with him waiting until his new medication dosage and the therapy starts before making any decisions but in his mind he feels like he is sparing me from pain. He says he can't look at me and feel all these doubts. He feels like he is lying to me. Which I suppose I understand but I keep feeling like pushing me away is to only make himself feel less anxious and less guilty.

I just don't know how to cope with it. Do I give him space or not?

Does he suffer depression? It seems like it might be there. It is not uncommon for it to exist with OCD? Perhaps you can give him some temporary space. Not a complete break, but space. I say this because he is in transition to getting therapy. Since it might not be a long time between now and the time his therapy hopefully start to do good for him, maybe a temporary slow down is in order. This shouldn't be an all or nothing situation. It is a time of change - hopefully for the better.

But discuss with him.

Otter.

Thank you for posting this! While I do not have any advice for you, it is comforting to know that I am not the only one going through this.

My boyfriend and I have only been dating 5 months... and the first three were great. Recently he's been on a torrent about worrying if he is actually attracted to me, and seems to convince himself that he really is. Most recently, however, he worries about if he is showing me that he really does love me and questions every gesture or comment he makes or doesn't make.

How are you coping with this? I'm at a loss how to help him (although he has said he will see a therapist).