OCD and anxiety ruining my life

I'm fairly certain that I've been OCD for most of my life. As I kid, I would often stay up and ponder life and death and the fate of the universe. I probably watched too many movies or something, haha. It was clear to me ever since I was a child that I had a bit of an unusual obsession with death. I feared it so much, and would always take steps to ensure my safety (touching things xnumber of times, etc.) It started off in a way where it was not intrusive, and frankly it was very minuscule when all my other issues were factored in.

When my anxiety gets bad, I begin to experience racing thoughts. And I genuinely fear for my safety and for those around me if I don't walk a certain direction, look a certain way, tap things. There haven't been any dangerous manifestations thus far, but I always worry that I'll get it into my head that I have to do something like touch a scolding plate or something stupid. For the record, I don't have any violent impulses or anything along those lines. Never have, would imagine I never will, but I dunno.

My anxiety and OCD got really bad after my grandmother died unexpectedly. It was the worst moment of my life (I found her), and I almost instantly spiraled out of control. I stopped going to school, began to isolate myself almost entirely. And I would not interact with my friends or loved ones. I was kicked out of jr. high for this reason, and had to be home schooled. Losing my grandmother--and I guess having death impact my life after years of fearing it--that was the clincher. I haven't been the same since occurred.

I ended up going to college for a year, and had some minor health problems at the time. Because of those health problems, my anxiety came creeping back. This resulted in me losing my honor roll status and eventually being stripped of my financial aid.

I was a college student with an 8th grade education. That's what mental illness has caused me.

I consider myself to be an entertaining, engaging person. I work retail, and part of my job description entails selling to customers. I'm great at small talk. Customers love me. But it occurred to me the other day that I don't have any work friends. And I'm pretty sure a lot of them hang out together. And it's even more apparent to me now that I don't make friends anymore. I used to have tons of them. One by one, they've all sort of slipped away. And now I don't know how to actually establish meaningful friendships. I don't allow myself to get very close to people, mostly due to my anxiety.

I go to the doctor a lot. I'm constantly worried about all kinds of random ailments. I worry about EVERYTHING. I fear just about everything. And even typing this has my OCD acting up.

In sort, I'm a bit of a mess. But it sort of feels refreshing to come out and say it. I've been this way for years, and it's only going to get worse if I don't seek help. So I'll be doing that soon. I don't want my life to be dictated by mental illness. I want to live a long and fulfilling life. I've let the better part of a decade slip away from me, and I don't want to continue down this path of self-destruction.

Hello Strange_Days

I have read you post and I found it inspiring and encouraging. You have a story which is not easy at all. But you don't give up and say "It's not fair. I'm not going to make the next step" no. Instead, you say "I don't want my life to be dictated by mental illness. I want to live a long and fulfilling life."
With that attitude in mind you're going to reach great things.

I believe that your anxiety might have caused your friends to leave. I'm not sure if I should call them friends as they disappeared.
Please go on and "seek help soon" as you said, the change is waiting right next to your door.

Thank you so much for the post. I'm really encouraged to act with confidence in my own life.
Good luck!

Octopus wrote:Hello Strange_Days

I have read you post and I found it inspiring and encouraging. You have a story which is not easy at all. But you don't give up and say "It's not fair. I'm not going to make the next step" no. Instead, you say "I don't want my life to be dictated by mental illness. I want to live a long and fulfilling life."
With that attitude in mind you're going to reach great things.

I believe that your anxiety might have caused your friends to leave. I'm not sure if I should call them friends as they disappeared.
Please go on and "seek help soon" as you said, the change is waiting right next to your door.

Thank you so much for the post. I'm really encouraged to act with confidence in my own life.
Good luck!

I actually cut them out of my life. I became a recluse and refused to be around anyone. There were days where I'd go to school, even enter the building, then leave. I didn't want to be around anyone.

I see. But once you better control the anxiety, you will know you can let yourself have close relationships and there will be no problem. So don't worry about that, just find the help and you'll be fine!

octopus

SDs, I had a terrible fear of death obsession when I was younger too. At my College we had to take 2 classes in philosophy in order to graduate and when I took it the only class offered was "Death and Dying. Can you believe it?? It was actually awesome. We started out with E Kubler Ross and some other philosophy and then moved toward the concept of "life after life". There is a tremendous body of literature now on life after death, but at the time I had never been exposed to it. (This was the 70's). I think just being exposed to the concepts helped me put my fear in perspective. It reduced my fear of dying and being separated from those I loved.
The class that I thought would be my undoing was actually my salvation, this seems to often be the case with OCD obsessions. The obsessions are a million times worse than reality!

do not watch final destination, you might want to steer clear of that series of movies lol

OCD is quite a common thing among people though. It shouldn't stop you from getting on with life though..