Emotional Contamination and Stuff

Hey Liz

Thanks!

I know what you mean by the lack of support I'm getting to handle my exposures. That's exactly what I feel. It has only been recently that my eyes were 'opened' so to say, I became a bit angry and frustrated that after 3 or 4 years of therapy I still don't have any clue which direction they're guiding me in, no plan, no diagnosis, no mental 'toolbox' to handle anxieties. At this point I even trust myself and my own intention more than them (which is quite ridiculous, because I have fairly low self esteem). I don't want to miss the opportunity to study on HBO or University, and time is pressing.

Because of this new sort of self leadership, I thought I could handle it alone. But that proves to be very difficult. I'm feeling supported by you on the forum. This topic is, combined with that article about emotional contamination, what has helped me most in finding my direction. My mother has helped me a lot too, but I'm still taking the lead when it comes to planning how to get out of this and all that sort of stuff. She's more like a very nice listening ear, with a welcome part of reality. My sister helps with that reality part too. She has a very active and interesting life, it's actually what helps her cope with her own problems.

I've sent my psychiatrist an e-mail. That way I can easily write down what I want to say, without losing my words. I have written about my sugar problems. Lately I have experienced a lot of over-sensitive reactions to sugar. I get nauseas, dizzy and tired whenever I eat something that I'm over-sensitive too. Diabetes is one of the complications my medication can cause, and it also runs in the family. When I put down all the side effects I'm experiencing, I thought "is this even worth it?" I don't think so anymore. I want to wait until I have built up therapy before I start discontinuing them, but I detest those medicines. They seem to break more apart than they 'heal' for me. Maybe because of my fast working liver. My blood contains the maximum amount of rest product my body could handle (rest product causes side effects), while the active substance is only about 50% of the average effective dose. I forget things easily, I have concentration problems, bowel and food problems, hormonal problems, panic attacks/hyperventilation et cetera... But I'm careful with trying to discontinue it, because the last time I tried discontinuing it went horribly wrong. I think I could still do it though, with therapeutic support. I'm not going to do that part alone though.

What I am going to try to at least start on my own, are the preparations and exposures. I've started with the no-repeat and no-reject part. Every time my mind tried to put something on a pedestal and/or put down OCD-incorrect parts, I tried to regard my life on a rational level, and tried to search for something to keep me busy. I'm taking small risks again with things I save on the computer, and maybe I could do something small on the days that are usually more difficult. I think I can do that. I can continue these things, and I can look for breathing exercises and mindfulness on the internet before I continue with further challenges. It would indeed be wise to load my mental toolbox some more before I can start/continue ERP in Ikea-style (or with therapists if the time arises).

Good job with the exposures! I think it's best not to focus too much on work ahead of you. Think only of the present, taking one step at a time. My sister and I used to go running when the weather was brighter than it is now. It's half an hour total with short breaks in between. At first I didn't know if I could do it. My physical condition was/is really bad, so I started from the absolute bottom. My sister was like, "Just see how far you can run this time." "Can you go for one more minute?" And I thought, "Yes, one minute is overseeable (? Dutch word: te overzien), I can do one more minute." And after that minute was over, there was a minute just walking and taking it easy, and then after that we went for another minute or maybe two minutes and so on until the time was up. Then the next time running I could go a little longer and a little further. This progressed over time, and was part of a Belgian program she had downloaded called Starting To Run (or something along those lines). I think it works like that with ERP too. Key is not to focus on what is ahead. Just focus on one bit at a time and draw strength from completed challenges from the times before. Try for a sustainable tempo, aim for the finish but focus on the present. I'm sure you can do it

TS

Hiya TS

You sound stronger, I am glad you are okay.

I would recommend that you ask directly to your psychiatrist and psychologist that you want

a) a diagnosis, they have done enough tests and assessments, it is time

b) a treatment plan, how do they plan to help you?

You need to pin them down and really get these answers.

I am glad that you have started tackling the exposures but don't get disheartened if you can't do them some days. I could not start alone and I think you are really brave and strong to get going. I hope you make good progress.

When I do an exposure this is what helps me:

1) I do breathing to relax. I breath in for 4 secs, hold for 2 secs and breath out of 6 secs. I do this for 2 minutes.

2) I use mindfulness and catch the intrusive thought and do not engage with it.

3) I say to myself that I don't want to be trapped by OCD anymore and I want to live again

4) I distract myself.

5) after the exposure I reward myself with food or a TV show.

I use these websites to learn mindfulness:

Www.smilingmind.com.au

Www.freemindfulness.org

I hope some of this helps.

Let me know how you get on.

Liz x

Hey Liz,

I will ask the therapists next time I see them. Which might take until mid January, but oh well.

Thanks for the tips! I'll find time to practice these things somewhere in the upcoming week (holidays are kind of the only socially active days of my year so I don't know when exactly).

Last Saturday I accidentally exposed myself to 'Cat' compulsions. I forgot about them. After that I thought, 'Might as well level them down a bit.' So I did. Going great so far. Not total 100% exposure but still quite a level down from my previous ritual.

Thank you

TS

Hiya

Well done on the cat exposures.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas!!!

Liz x

Hello!

How are you doing now?

I'm currently trying to tackle the Day compulsions. It helps me not to think or analyse the OCD. I'm making progress. My psychiatrist hasn't mailed back and I don't think he will at this point, because the next appointment is on the 8th. I still don't have a new appointment with the psychologist. I haven't heard from her since the 18th of November. Pfff, ridiculous. I'm having difficulty not just looking for a different practice. It's just that my mother thinks they're not going to give me second-line mental health care elsewhere, and because it's not a guarantee that they will actually help me at another practice. Maybe I will make a call to inform about it. I will also try to gain information about the therapy I am currently receiving when I go to the practice next Thursday.

Take care,

TS

Hi TS

Happy New Year! I hope 2015 will be a good year for both of us.

I am still working on my exposures in the outside world (outside of my home). Next I need to tackle exposures in my room, and finally exposures in the rest of the house. So a long way to go. I am making slow but steady progress.

Have you asked your psychologist when the next appointment is? Definately contact her and ask her to give you an appointment straight away. Did your psychiatrist help at all?

Liz x

Happy New Year Liz
I'm hoping for a good year too. I'm definitely going to fight for it!

I am glad you are still making steady progress. Stay positive, you're getting well

I'm planning to pick up activities with previously isolated objects of affection. I've adapted some new beliefs and let go of others. Don't know how this will work out, but right now I'm positive and convinced I'll find a way to overcome any problems that may follow.

The practice notified me of a reschedule of the appointment as my psychiatrist couldn't make it. New appointment is next week. It's okay though, I'm going my own way mentally. It's a bit frustrating in regards of medication though, but it explains why he didn't answer my e-mail, so I feel less offended.

I should probably send and e-mail to the psychologist like you have suggested, but to be honest, I'm not looking forward to an appointment with her. Though I'm curious about my diagnosis. We'll see.

I'm going to sleep now
Good night!

TS

Hiya, yes email the psychologist. You at least deserve a diagnosis after all the tests you did. Hope your appointment goes well.

Liz x

The appointment with the psychiatrist went super well
I was able to say what I wanted to say without losing track, thanks to a piece of paper with key words.
He sees how much I've grown in the past years. I think he also sees how response prevention has helped me so far. I will gradually reduce the amount of medication I am taking. Today I will discontinue the last 0.5mg of Risperidone. If all goes well, I will also reduce the Clomipramine to 112.5mg after two weeks. Let's see how this goes
(I hope I won't forget about this good appointment with the psychiatrist)

The psychologist has sent a letter without me needing to call her. Appointment / diagnosis will be on the 27th of January. My mother will accompany me. Maybe I'll manage with this one after all. I could practice giving feedback, and I wasn't planning to rely on anyone anyway. Her professional knowledge might be good enough, regardless of clashing personalities.

I've also had big victories in the Cat department :b
I can clean now
I don't know if I've told this before, but had already started casually cleaning the house and stuff.
It's not an obsessive kind of cleaning but more of a 'take life into my own hands' sort of thing. My mother helps me mentally, but she's somewhat overworked physically. Sometimes she doesn't get to cleaning, so if something ever gets out of hand, I can help her. I also feel able to do the normal agreed house tasks (unloading dishwasher, my own laundry, vacuum cleaning house, ...). It is nice to help around, and it is nice to feel that I don't have to rely on anyone to 'save' myself in an uncomfortable situation. I feel more independent.

Also Cat department: I can pet her whenever, regardless of her previous activities. I don't need to wash my hands with soap afterwards.



TS

Wow you have made excellent progress. I am so impressed. Well done on reducing the meds.

I am glad you can do the cleaning. I am getting to grips with trying to clean in a more 'normal' way. It used to be such a horrific task because of the issue of spreading contamination. I can clean a bit more regularly now. This is much better for me.

It will be interesting for you to hear what the psychologist says, she has kept you waiting so long.

Well done on touching the cat without washing after, this is something I need to tackle.

Things are going okay for me. One third of the way through my exposure list. Today I was so tired, I think the exposures drain a lot of energy. It is worth it in the end, because I am slowly training my brain to realise that when I do touch something I feel is contaminated, nothing actually bad happens, I may feel a little discomfort for a few minutes but the anxiety passes and before I know it I am not even thing about the contamination anymore. I hope this info helps you too.

Keep in touch about your progress x