Emotional Contamination and Stuff

Hiya

Your mum is right. Say what you are thinking to your psychiatrist. Start by writing down what you want to say and the points you want to make. I find when I write things down, it takes the anger out of it, and I can be more rational about what I am trying to get across. Then memorise the key points of what you want to say, and when you see him this week, say what you need to say. Take the written words with you too, because if you feel too nervous or emotional, you can read it out, or just give him the paper. I have done this before, and it worked.

As to living my life, I guess I once had a full life. But I have always had problems with anxiety and also with my relationships with people. I just find trusting people very difficult, and this makes life more difficult for me. It has always felt like an uphill struggle. I keep climbing up the hill, because I want to live, but I guess I eventually ran out of energy and have reached the situation I am in now. I need to get these issues sorted out because if I don't they will keep recurring and putting a stop to my life.

I totally love most types of music, and I like learning about the history of underground music cultures. For example how jazz came about, and then the Northern Soul movement which happening in northern England in the 1960s, then disco, punk, rave. It is just so amazing learning how a new kind of music brings people together, and creates an underground scene. I was lucky to be part of this, with my time as a DJ, but I was not the first to lose myself to an underground music scene and I will definitely not be the last!

I am still doing exposures with my therapist, but it is stressful. Every week I do two exposures with her, and have to do some at home. Overall my OCD is a bit better, but the exposures are quite stressful. I guess they are not meant to be pleasant. I am looking forward to have some time off at Christmas!

Liz x

Hey,

Sorry for my late reply...
I'm having some sort of panic attack but it doesn't have to do with OCD. I'm going to talk about that first because I hope it will put my mind to rest...

I pay a little bit more than €600 'kostgeld' to my mother every month. I don't know the English word but it is to pay for everything that I use, the house, food, electricity etc. Now I'm taking alternative medicine. Probiotics and Omega 3-something-with-fish. That costs me €40 a month. I receive €750 every month from the social welfare institution thing (I don't know what all these are called in English). Anyway, I have like a €100 left every month which I need to use to pay random unforeseen stuff (like a broken bicycle), clothes, any future hobbies, public transport when necessary, Christmas and birthday gifts (soon), books or education or an actual desk to work at if I ever start enrolling into society again... My head is spinning. I can't oversee this. Other people seem to pay between €100-€350 'kostgeld' and I need to pay €600. My mother freaks out every time I try to talk about money, because she's stressed and she has a lot of debts. But I can't oversee this. My sister doesn't listen to me because she thinks I'm rich or something because I don't have student debts (yet, but the system has changed and if I ever want to have a higher education I will end up with double the amount of debts as she as). She doesn't take me seriously. Nobody takes me seriously. I can't talk about this with my psychiatrist. He doesn't structure our conversations and I can't structure it myself. I end up talking about mental things and forget talking about the physical complications and the money and social issues. It's just too much. And nobody can hear me. I've mailed my sister and she doesn't mail back. My mother freaked out yesterday because I gave her feedback on cleaning issues (she doesn't allow me to clean certain things but then doesn't clean the things herself regularly because of her own stress and coping mechanism of chaos/'freedom'). I'm scared. My mother is going to sit down with me and calculate the money I pay her again when it's around New Year, but she says she already has all the calculations ready and that it's still €600+. I don't know how I can let her know this and that it bothers me. She has it 1000x worse than me because she is around/more than €10000 in debt and she tells me it's normal that I don't have anything to spend on hobbies or unforeseen stuff etc. because she can't even buy clothes for herself. But I'm..... I feel so hopeless. And frustrated. And powerless. Like I'm screaming again a wall and it doesn't move. Of course, it's a wall. But I don't want to break down my mother because she is my only social contact in physical reality. I only see my psychiatrist once every 5 weeks and my sister one or two days every 2 or 3 weeks. My mother gets really angry sometimes, though she never gets physical so it's okay, and I know she's just really stressed. When she gets angry she talks about all the hardships she is going through and nearly starts crying. A year ago when I didn't want to lend her €1000 she got really disappointed in me, and I think that's even worse than the anger. She said that she honestly thought it was really selfish of me and that she was already being generous to let me lend it to her instead of paying her that amount of money in actual permanent contribution. My sister agreed with her. Eventually I lent her the money and let her keep €200 of it permanently. But I don't have anyone to tell me what is normal, and even if I had, my mother wouldn't take me or those sources seriously (because she has already calculated everything by herself). The Nibud or objective institutes don't give any examples, just list a lots of different possibilities to calculate it. I'm .... I can't....

I can't answer the rest yet. I had already read your recent reply and I remember that it cheered me up and that I wanted to wait with replying until I had been to the psychiatrist (whom I've talked to yesterday). But I can't reply now. I'm too light in the head, and my breathing is uneven and I don't have the things straight I can't oversee daily life in physical reality I can't do it. I've given subtle hints to my mother that this is bothering me, she got irritated and told me that I had to wait with asking her those things until after this weekend. This because she needs to fill in job application forms to change jobs so she doesn't have to drive two hours every day to her work, and do the groceries, and engage in creative stuff to keep her head straight.

But this is too much. I can't do this. I don't know what to do...

I think the 'panic attacks' are related to the medication. I had one today too, while I was in the middle of feeling good. The only known relation between these two incidents is that they occurred around one hour after I had taken my medication. I think I'll mail the psychiatrist on Monday.

I've also calmed down now, so I can reply to the rest.

Thursday I told the psychiatrist about my insecurities regarding the therapy. I started with talking about the psychologist. He was very understanding and took my arguments seriously. I'm going to wait a little while longer until I decide to search for a different practice. After all, good health care is scarce, and at least he knows me here. The psychiatrist also asked me if I could relay the feedback to the psychologist in the same kind of way that I've done to him. I'm going to do that and see what happens. I haven't given the psychiatrist my feedback towards him yet, but I think I will do that next time, because I can't talk about side effects and physical troubles if he doesn't ask for it. I made a paper with key words by the way, but didn't have to use it. It was mainly to remind myself of the point I was trying to make in case I got a black-out or something like that.

You're right about needing to take care of the underlying problems if you want to permanently get rid of the anxiety and OCD issues. I might sound too much like the psychologist that I don't like, but if the OCD has a 'function' in as a coping mechanism for the anxiety and social difficulty, the manifestations of that will only be relayed. But if you work on that core and rebuild it in a strong way, I think you can permanently beat the OCD and have a full life again (maybe even fuller than before).

I'm personally really weird with people. I'm very transparent about everything I do and think, but I don't let myself get attached to them easily. They can do anything they want but they won't capture my heart! I don't know if it's unhealthy though. I'm harsh, I cut people from my life easily. I even cut myself from my life easily. Maybe that part is unhealthy, but I do want to keep some of it. It makes me feel strong.

It's refreshing that you love most types of music. I'm only really familiar with the alternative genres. It's really cool that you know about all those different kind of music and can value it, I think it enriches you as a person.

It is good to hear that you are still making steady progress with the ERP. I can believe the exposures are stressful. My progress is really sporadic. One day I'm doing lots of exposure and the next I'm giving in to all kinds of compulsions. I'm not really pleased with how it's going, but at least I have the axis system now.

hi TS ..

i'm having trouble accessing my PF account. but just wanted to let you know i am reading. and i'm really glad, it seems like you're working hard. there's long and bumpy road, but i hope that you can stay strong and just keep going. i know one day you will get through this. i envy you (ofcourse, in a positive way LOL) and lizinlondon, i'm glad you're making progress as well. big hugs to you both!

Hi TS

The money issue sounds very stressful. €100 is not much for you to live on. Did you and your mum talk about this? I hope she gets that job she is applying for.

I definitely think you need to tell your psychologist what you told the psychiatrist. Take your paper with you to make sure you get all your points across. Your psychologist really needs to come up with a plan of action and to structure your exposures. When I tried my exposures alone I found it difficult. I would do an exposure one day and not handle it the next. What worked for me is that my psychologist helped me structure a schedule of exposures. We started with an exposure that only caused 2.5% anxiety and I had to repeat it with my therapist until the anxiety was zero. This is what you need help with.

I guess that before I started exposures I worked with the psychologist to dig down to why I was using OCD to cope. It is abit like what you say. Before I used OCD to cope I started cutting people that had hurt me out of my life. Then it got to the point that I had cut everyone out and then I started using OCD to keep people out of my life. For example I would say I don't like strangers touching me or brushing past me in the street because they invade my personal space and leave contamination on me. What I realised is that as I drop OCD I will be letting the world back into my life and I need to get my confidence back in myself that whatever this world throws at me I will handle it and be okay. That I won't run back to OCD world for safety. This will be hard.

Hope this makes some sense. It is true that you will benefit from discovering why you use OCD to cope so that you can develop healthier ways to cope. The thing that will help is to keep sight of your goals, the things you want to be able to do when you get better.

I also agree that you need to feedback to your psychiatrist the next time you see him.

I really hope you are feeling better this week. It is a shame that you have to wait so long for your psychologist to help you but you are being very patient, brave and strong.

Liz x

Hey Torrent, Hey Liz,

Wow, my reply is really late... I haven't been doing very well. I don't really want to look back, because this evening my mother talked to me and it has helped (I think). But I still feel a little lost. I know I want to be free, and quit the OCD. But quitting OCD also feels like letting go of an ideal that I've never secured. It's scary.

It was 'easy' when I felt hopeless and didn't care anymore. But now I care, and perhaps I could be OCD-correct if I really set my mind to it. Maybe. I don't know. But I'm not. And it's hard to justify for myself if I'm not. So I was giving in to it more lately. I wasn't being very 'successful' at it I guess. I don't know.

My mother has talked to me this evening. She says I should use my biggest strength, my ability to appreciate, to get out of this. That I should accept and value my appreciation for things even if they can be associated with the / are imperfect.

I'm going to do that. I'm going to let go of the ideal.

I'm just really scared. And sad. It feels like giving up on love.

Instead of using it as a strength. Probably because it's a different kind of love. This one is a free kind. It's good. ...

It feels weird choosing for this free and uncontrolling kind. For the millionth time. I don't know how to do this. I'm still going to, because it's only natural that I don't know. But I'm just scared.

But maybe it's good that it's not ideal. It's more life and basic if it's not. And I can do stuff...

Damnit now my head is getting light again and breathing getting weird.

...

Ok a cat has calmed me down. The black, male one. He is is very sweet. Calm too.

Hmm... I can appreciate him.

I'm going to bed...
Maybe I'll post again tomorrow. I'm still going to fight for freedom.

Rules for myself:

- I will not repeat processes to 'improve' objects of affection
- I will not control them objects of affection
- I will not reject appreciation

- I will freely appreciate and let go of control

...

Ok. Take care you two.
Liz, I'm looking up to you. You're really brave. It helps knowing that you're on a steady track and making progress and also working on your self confidence. It gives me a bit more faith in the path towards actual life. Thank you.

Oops now I really need to go to sleep. My sister wants to go to bed.

Hiya TS

I am glad you have a had a chat with your mum.

You wrote:

Rules for myself:

- I will not repeat processes to 'improve' objects of affection
- I will not control them objects of affection
- I will not reject appreciation

- I will freely appreciate and let go of control

------------------------

Yes this is brilliant, this is your key out of the prison. If you follow these rules, and not the OC-correct rules, you will get out.

It is natural to be scared. I am bloody terrified everyday. Every compulsion I drop, I move towards the real world, with real people, who could hurt me. In OCD world, I am hurting all the time, but at least I can control the hurt. In the real world, people can hurt me and I can't control this. What I need to learn, is that I can cope with being hurt in the real world, and nothing bad will happen, I will handle it and move on. In fact recently, two people in my life have let me down, and this hurt. Rather than sterilising everything those people touched, and changing my clothes, I dealt with the hurt they caused me, by just feeling the hurt and rationalising why they might have let me down. This is what I have to do instead of decontaminating so I can live in the real world.

So you see, it is natural to be scared. We have to move forward with the fear, feel the fear and do it anyway.

How has today been? Have you been able to resist any compulsions?

Hi TwistedSpoon

Hope you are feeling better today.

Liz x

Hey Liz,

I'm sorry for the late reply again :'(. I was procrastinating checking into this forum because I didn't want to be confronted with the fact that I am or was slipping away. Thank you for your advice and talk about that feelings of being scared are natural. I'm actually crying right now. I want to get out of this OCD thing. I really want to get out. It's hard for me to 'justify' going through/exposing myself to the anxiety part until I've built up enough confidence to let life be OCD-incorrect and still enjoy it, but I still want to do it. I think you're very on spot with that with OCD it feels like at least you can control the hurt. I feel like every time I 'slip up' (according to OCD-rules) can be attributed to myself or the situation or something within control. Letting go of the OCD is like letting go of control. I'm conflicted. I know I want to fight against OCD but it's so very difficult. But I need to be brave and do this if I ever want to get an active or functioning life again.

I feel so insecure... Is the insecurity natural too? Is it okay if I am not a 100% sure that this is the right way and whether I want it or not? I mean, I know I want it, but my value system is screaming that I don't so it's very confusing.

Am I in control of getting out of this? Maybe I am? If I control my behaviour I could get out of this, couldn't I? ... Giving up control ...

----

But where do I start?

Most of my avoiding/rejecting/neutralizing compulsive behaviour right now are 'caused by':

1. Cat
2. Food
3. Thoughts
4. Bowel problems
5. Days

Organized from heaviest to least heavy.

Maybe I can start like this. With the compulsions that bother me most. I don't have to map down every single compulsion I could have or ever had. I can just start at the bottom of this small list of current main compulsions.

But I would have to expose myself to my thoughts first too, not just days, because otherwise my OCD checkmates me by giving me bad thoughts on the days that I would otherwise expose myself to (my thoughts have become bad recently and I haven't had much 'success' trying to neutralize them with compulsions).

Maybe this could get me started? But isn't Days + Thoughts too heavy to start with? Or should I first expose myself to Thoughts because it will help me overcome Days better?

Maybe I could at least try to apply the rules I set in my previous post again. The ones you said would get me out of this.

No repeat. No reject. No control. Still appreciate.

The plan I've made in this post is mainly a tool to gradually give up my control part. I think.

----

How are you doing now? You sound like you've really grown a lot by being able to feel the hurt and rationalising the let-downs by those two people.

Thank you again.
I feel bad about not having checked into the forum sooner. I really appreciate you and I'm sorry.

TS

Hi TwistedSpoon

I am so glad you are okay. Don't worry about the late reply, I understand.

To be totally honest with you, I really believe that your psychologist should be giving you the support you need to draw up a programme of exposures, and also give you alternative coping mechanisms for dealing with exposure anxiety.

Maybe it is better to wait to do any more exposures until your psychologist is working with you. When I started doing exposures with my therapist, she taught me breathing exercises and mindfulness so that I can deal with the anxiety.

It is really hard doing exposures alone, and I think you need more support.

I have got to the more difficult exposures now, and I am struggling abit. My psychiatrist has put up my medications to help me. I am finding this week hard, and I still have over 20 exposures to do!

How do you feel about waiting until you see your psychologist to do exposures? Can you hold on til then?
Liz x