Emotional Contamination and Stuff

Ever since I was 12 years old (now 21) I've been afraid of pollution or contamination of myself, my perceptions and the things I care about. I've rejected several of my past selves, some others and parts of the world multiple times and I battle any thought or thing that has any relation to it. In order to neutralize I use counters. When I think of a bad song for example, I can counter it with a thought of a right song. But these thoughts are often very prominent and persistent, even after neutralizing. It doesn't help that triggers can be found everywhere either. With so many things to be afraid of, everything seems able to be a threat if I question or criticize it hard enough, in search of minimum security, something I can be guaranteed to fall back on.

Anyway, I've always had trouble with stuff I care about, which is difficult, because I like to care about things. But when I do, I'm obviously afraid of losing them, or worse, contaminating them. I obsessively 'protect' the things I love, because I want to keep them 'clean'. I thought, still think, I wouldn't be able to love them, find comfort in them, enjoy them, and regard them as safe if they're not 'clean', and that there's no point in living if what I love is not clean and safe (which isn't to say that I want to quit life, but life just loses it's purpose to me and becomes void).

I also used to have rhythmic compulsions. First with the number 4 and later, after rejecting another part of my life including the me that belonged in it, the number 3. I've been able to suppress it with Clomipramine now though, so it doesn't bother me anymore. My psychiatrist has refrained from diagnosing me as OCD because he thought I might be psychotic or have a thinking disorder alongside of it, yet not quite, because I still know that what I'm doing isn't normal and realistic. Kind of. Either way, he wanted to be sure about the complete diagnosis first. I've also taken Risperidone, but I'm currently discontinuing it because I don't feel that it helps. Maybe it has made the intrusive thoughts less prominent, but it's hard to tell, because the battling is still and always has been entwined in everything I do. After tests, it turned out that my liver works overtime. Apparently it works so fast that most of the working substance of Clomipramine is already broken down to the ineffective rest product before it has time to do its job. But if I take more, the rest product becomes too high (it's already maxed), and it won't be healthy. I don't want to take medication to slow down my liver function. I'm not seeing a psychologist (yet?), because my psychiatrist thought I was too unstable for it. But he said he was going to look into it about a month ago, because I've made progress? I'm posting in this forum because I found the following article about a week ago, and it makes me feel like I really do have OCD, because I recognize a lot.
http://www.ocfoundation.org/EO_Emotional.aspx
I want to ask help from people that are familiar with the intensity.

Aside from battling thoughts and things related to the forbidden parts of the past, I also battle anything I regard as filthy. This last part has become particularly more prominent. Last week was horrible. I did nothing, I just sat on the chair in front of my computer and... waited. Afraid. I felt filthy. Afterwards I spent several days cleaning, but there's going to be another week like that next week, so I'm really scared. There have been other times like this, and most of those times become forbidden parts of the past afterwards. I'm not allowed to think about it etc.

Anyway... My mind has a way of criticizing everything and questioning everything. After a while, nothing feels safe anymore. Even times where I used to look back on with a smile feel inferior to what I'm aiming for now. Memories and imagination have become corrupted due to over-thinking with the wrong thoughts, but it also spreads to the idea that the actual moments were bad. I'm not allowed to love it anymore. I'm not allowed to find comfort in it. I'm not allowed to regard it as safe. Because to me it just isn't. And it also feels unsafe to think of it in another way than unsafe. It feels like I'm lying to myself if I pretend it was all okay. It feels like I'm becoming inferior. Like I'm giving up perfection. There have been moments where I've ignored the thoughts and just did the thing I loved to do. Everyone around me keeps telling me to quit, but they never say how. Or they just say 'response-prevention', without explaining how or guiding me through it. So I tried. But whatever I do, I can't look back on it without seeing the bad things, the flaws. The things that make it unsafe. And I can't bring myself to love something like that. It haunts me and tells me the thing I loved to do where I ignored isn't good enough. That I have to make it good enough, safe. But I keep waiting for the right moment to try, the right circumstances, and when I do, even when I think everything is right, it still ends up not being good enough. I make a mistake again. I have to reject it again. And when I really love something, I keep trying like I'm doing now. There's a television series which I love so much that it has managed to beat the fear on occasion. I want to secure it, but no matter how often I get it, it doesn't feel OC-correct. There's always something in the vicinity that's not safe and clean, or my thoughts that aren't right. But I can't give up on trying to reach perfection. I can't let it go. I just want to secure it, I want it to be safe. There's always a possibility that if I try hard enough, it will be perfect. But so far, those feelings have only been temporary, and ultimately regarded as unrealistic. I can't bring myself to give up, because giving up on this is like giving up on the ultimate love to me, or at least the possibility to it. And I just want to secure it. It's worth being safe.

I've tried to set up my reason against my feelings, but it's difficult, because I only know that it's not realistic in a common agreement-kind of sense. When I think about it, philosophically, analytical, I can't find the answer. I don't know if the things I love are safe when the circumstances aren't safe. When you put dough in the oven it becomes bread. So you can't say the circumstances never impact the individual thing. I'm not good at exceptions when they don't follow a certain definition, they're too ambiguous. And either way, the moment isn't perfect anymore. Some people say perfection doesn't exist, but how can you prove something like that? Perfection is dependent on the person and their perception, but the perception is dependent on both the individual and the world perceived. It's not just solely the individual. So when you aim for perfection, and obtain it, the source is regarded as perfect. Or at least, when you believe you love the thing for the thing itself, and not for your own perception. But how do you know that? If that's true, then what if you don't know everything about it? What if the interpretation isn't good enough, because I'm flawed myself? It's not complete. It's not the source. And what is part of the perception? How do you filter the details from the whole? The thoughts from the world etc.? And if a mental perception filter-system exists, how could it work? How can you prove it works? Or what if you weren't safe the first time your perception of the thing was made. How does reinterpretation work, and will it ever be completely independent from before?

In the end, I never seem able to find find the answers to the questions that would help me. My mother and psychiatrist try to convince me every time, but the insecurity is just too strong. There are too many unknown factors. For me to rely on an argument to be stronger than the fear... I don't know if that's possible with minimum security. But I can't give up without knowing it's not possible. I want to though. It would be easier. Is that bad? It feels like letting go of the ultimate dream. Without obtaining it. When I think about it like that I want to keep fighting again. But will it ever end? It's a battle against myself, so as long as I'm there, the enemy will be there too.

Everyone around me keeps acting like I don't understand something, and it only drives me into discussions with myself further. The only thing that has helped so far in order to get me moving is blind trust. But how can blind trust be stronger than fear? Than even love? A life purpose? Because I do love the feeling of being safe and clean. How can I give that up? How can I give up the dream?

What I mean to ask is:

1. Is it possible to enjoy life when the world, I or both aren't OC-correct?

2. What can my life purpose be if I don't aim for 'perfection'/safety anymore?

3. Is there something I need to understand? Do I need to keep searching and thinking in order to understand what the realistic people mean?

4. Is it possible to know things for certain? With minimum security? What is the least I can rely on?

5. Do you think Exposure and Response Prevention could also work in my case?

If yes:

6. When doing something like ERP, would the things I love that I contaminate lose their safety?
Some of the times where I've prevented a response in the past have become rejected. They don't feel safe and I can't stop thinking about what was wrong when I look back on it, which causes me to stop appreciating it.

7. How can I motivate myself to do ERP, despite all the fear etc.? And is searching for the motivation something I need to actively pursue? How do I find it if I don't search for it?

8. Does ERP make me any less afraid of the things that I regard as bad right now? Will it change my opinion? And if so, isn't that unsafe?

hi Twistedspoon.

to be honest, i can relate to what you're saying, but not all of them. i see some similarities between our OCD, but still in different theme and i admit i feel triggered when i read through your post i don't know exactly why. it's rare for me though. and i'm really sorry i can't be of much help to your thread. just wanted to let you know i am reading and you're not alone. and i really hope someone else will give you feedback.

Hi Torrent!

Sorry I triggered you... to be honest, even healthy people sometimes get triggered when I talk about it, so I understand. My mother is really sensitive to my rants too. She refuses to explain love to me, and I understand and respect that choice. It may also have triggered because I seem to have developed some kind of Stockholm syndrome with my OCD. Sometimes I talk about it as if it's the best thing in the world, but it really isn't. I have been disqualified for work since I was 18, I quit all my hobbies, I don't have any RL friends. Most foods are emotionally contaminated, people too, and music, activities, places, words, animals, and then there's the new kind with the things that aren't clean... Every time I find something I like, I put it away in fear of contaminating it. But even then, it doesn't feel safe. There are a hundred reasons it could have triggered though, maybe I shouldn't go into detail again. Either way, I appreciate that you tied and that you read. I do feel less alone by reading the other threads in the forum. Even though my case is a bit different, I recognize some stuff, mainly the loophole questions etc. So thanks!

hi TS.

no problem. i feel triggered because there are many things in your thread related to my situation. in fact, it has helped me. because i feel like i am not alone. i think i have the weirdest OCD. so knowing that people suffered the same makes me feel better,although i don't wish they are going through that. i am sorry this is happening to you oh no TS, its ok. actually those who want to response sometimes they need more information, so it'd be the best if you go into details. i really hope things will improve for you soon.

I'm glad that recognizing things from this thread has helped you, Torrent.

My OCD feels very weird too. It's like a maze or matrix I've made for myself, like an alternative reality I'm living in and having difficulty breaking free from. Reminds me of the choice Neo had in The Matrix (movie). Do I take the blue pill or the red pill? Do I stay in Wonderland or do I wake up?

To me it feels like I have to give up a dream right now. It's not even the OCD's 'fault' per se. My dream was living a life without the attacks (or spikes - not used to that word yet) and triggers, but with the feeling of safety, and also within my OCD rule set. But that's not possible. The world is full of triggers, and the fear just keeps expanding. Battling 'the enemy' is like looking into a mirror. It won't stop feeling dangerous until I stop being afraid, because the fear is coming from me.

It's the fear that's causing the struggle, but it feels like a harness, something that's supposed to protect me. In the end though, I can't move within this harness. I don't even fit into it properly and have to reject parts of myself. I'm not complete, and can't see the world completely. Plus, what's the point? This harness of fear has been designed to help me manage life, to help me survive. But does it really help me handle life? If I look at myself from a distance, I see someone who is afraid to try new things, afraid of loving anything, because that would mean she would have to 'protect' it. I see someone who has quit almost all the things and activities she likes. I see someone without fulfillment, due to constant criticism according to that single aspect; 'OC-correctness' (it's not a word but I don't know what to call it otherwise, it's life according to the OCD's rule set to me). I see someone without a place in society. I see a person that doesn't function. OCD doesn't help me manage life anymore.

Another dream was the possibility of 'perfection', I can't prove it isn't possible, but after countless times of criticizing and rejecting, I've lost hope. Life has lost its shine, it's magic. I've lost the will to fight. The struggle is still a part of my life, because I don't know how to quit, but there's no purpose in it anymore, because I've stopped believing. Sometimes, on a 'good' day, I try really hard and feel satisfied when it seems to work. But it only results into falling down, disappointment and rejection after the critique. In the end, it's still not OC-correct, still not perfect. Like I said, it doesn't give fulfillment anymore. The cons don't outweigh the pros. A life of rejection and struggling doesn't outweigh that hopelessly slight possibility of perfection's existence. I even feel ready to take 'the risk' on occasion.

The more I think about a way to let this go without security (because there's no point in deciding if you can obtain the permanent security), and as I read about other people's experience, I feel that the way to freedom is to stop caring. I always thought love conquered fear. It did a few times. But ultimately, when I love something, I'm afraid to lose it. I'm afraid to trust, rely on and love something that could turn out to be unreliable. So I try to secure the thing, manipulate it according to the OCD rules. In the end, love more often than not causes the fear.

With 'to stop caring' I don't mean to 'to stop loving', but to reinvent the way how I'm loving. So far I've been loving stuff by essentially altering the natural world, including my thoughts, out of fear. I think I need to let go of how I handle the fear and need to start accepting.

To me this brings forth the question of how to recognize when it's healthy to interfere and when not. For example, washing my hands is not wrong. What to accept and what not? I'm looking for a definition, a rule, but can't find it. I guess it's the gut feeling, the guide-light. I do have a sense of feeling for what is normal or commonly accepted and what isn't. It's just so very faint, because I've ignored it for so long with all my behavior acknowledging the validity of my fears. It's hard to rely on a feeling instead of knowing something for sure. However... haven't I been relying on 'fear' this entire time? If I can rely on the possible validity of my fear, then surely I can also rely on the just as possible falseness of it, right?

Trusting the norm leaves an uneasy feeling though. Not only is it unfamiliar, but I've also been raised to question and criticize everything in life, through recurring exposure to philosophical and society-rejecting preaches starting from a young age until I was able to stand up for myself. It created or aggravated the pessimistic feeling that I'm the safest within minimum security, something I would be guaranteed to rely on under any circumstances. But by always anticipating and relying on the minimum, you can crush the potential of the maximum, or anything higher than the minimum for that matter.

So... I've given up the dreams. I'm trying to gradually let go of OC-correctness. Small step by small step forward. It's going to be difficult, and I'm going to feel insecure and afraid. I know now that the path towards release is not OC-correct. My values will change. In order to get out of this I must trust the norm, and act on that. I need to stop caring about the reliability of what I care about and the way I care. Carefree appreciation so to say. Accepting the possibilities, but acting in the faint direction of the guide-light instead of the fear.

i understand how you feel TS. you're not weird, if i read you correctly, trust me i've been there too (not 100% the same,though) i am sorry i'm lost of words..... i don't know what to tell you. and... hmm. but i can say that i'm going to discuss this thing with the therapist

Hi Twistedspoon

I have emotional contamination OCD as well and I can relate to everything you say. I have sufferred for seven years, it started off small and expanded to take over my whole life and now I am classed as severe. I got help only recently and take 40mg fluoxetine and 150mg seroquel. The meds have just started helping after 2 and a half months. My feelings of uncertainty have decreased and I feel more confident to resist afew compulsions. I am also having CBT with exposure therapy but I have not been able start exposures because I am too unwell.

When I do exposures it will be for example touching a contaminated CD and transferring it to a book I enjoy reading. Hopefully nothing bad will happen, and I can continue to read my book.

I can keep you informed as to what works for me.

Have you any advice on how I can move forward?

I appreciate that Torrent, please let me know if you think the therapist said something that could help.

--

Hey Lizinlondon,

My first reaction upon seeing your post is being speechless. I never imagined I would be able to talk to another person with this variant of OCD online. It helps knowing that I'm not alone, it acknowledges that this is an actual mental complication and not some loophole in reality. I'll keep on fighting and I hope we'll both eventually manage to live in freedom.

Things that are still helping me:

1. Rules are only rules when you acknowledge them and start abiding by them. You're the ruler. You have the power.

2. Your inner-world is shaped by your beliefs. All of your feelings and thoughts are determined by what you believe. It can even affect your behavior unconsciously, and your behavior affects it right back to form a full circle of reinforcement. You decide what you believe, but if you don't believe something yet... act like it anyway! To break the circle you need to bluff. You decide what you do, and this is more realistic to control than belief. If you bluff the right amount, you end up believing it. By believing it, your feelings and thoughts will change. You can change the entire way you experience the world. It's our ticket to freedom.

2. Follow that guide-light. Acknowledge it, act in its direction, and it will grow stronger.

3. Love > Fear. While love also causes the fear, I've noticed that when I love something previously-contaminated more than I fear it, it decontaminates. It has only happened a few times for me though, and that was only after gaining new (safe) experiences that sparked the love with the thing in question. It's worth noting though. This might also mean that if you continue engaging in new experiences with the thing, it 'flows' or 'lives' in a way. The thing does not only consist of a moment where it wasn't perfect. The thing has a whole 'life'. Sadly I'm not good at relying on this one. I'm impatient, especially when I've just started the thing and it doesn't have many experiences yet. I often want to secure it by having at least one OC-correct experience. When you give in to this, it loses its freedom, and it becomes a battlefield for endless wars. It also loses its innocence and spontaneity. The price for control is too high.

4. Concentrate on the here and now. Search for distraction. When your mind wants you to engage in the battle after you've ignored the need to do a compulsion, you can concentrate on the things around you, the things you sense. (Continue to) Watch a movie, read a book, play a game, talk to someone about their life, let them tell you stories and try to concentrate on them. You risk triggers, but it's usually better than being alone with your own thoughts, criticism and insecurity, which only fuels the negative side. If your mind zones back to the thoughts, ignore them, be carefree, until you forget. Also allow yourself to forget. What you believe is how you experience it. Anything can be possible in your inner-world, so you should take care of yourself and make it a positive place.

5. Carefree appreciation helps. This kind of OCD is entwined with our value-system. Giving it up feels like giving up the security of everything you love. I've also likened it to inflation from time to time. But when you stop caring about the possibilities and take on a kind of 'YOLO'-stance, you can move forward. I've done a few mental jumps off a cliff, ignoring almost everything that didn't go OC-correct and continuing life as if nothing had happened. What happened was that I forgot. The bad feeling didn't stay. It's only after I've engaged the battle and possibly lost, or if I've obsessively cared about how OC-incorrect it was, that the bad feeling stayed. So by bluffing correctly and not engaging in the battle, you can actually have a good shot at saving what you love. The only reason I wasn't able to continue that way, was because I started noticing how much I loved it, and went flat on my face again trying to 'secure' it with compulsions when it was being attacked. The key is staying carefree no matter what. Act like you've got nothing to worry about.

6. Never argue with the troll, because doing so would mean he wins. The OCD being the troll in question, if you acknowledge it may be right, it grows. Don't let it grow, don't feed it with affirmations, and it will starve to death (or eternal slumber, I don't really know).

7. Wei wu wei.
Wiki: "Wu wei is an important concept in Taoism that literally means non-action or non-doing. In the Tao te Ching, Laozi explains that beings (or phenomena) that are wholly in harmony with the Tao behave in a completely natural, uncontrived way. The goal of spiritual practice for the human being is, according to Laozi, the attainment of this purely natural way of behaving, as when the planets revolve around the sun. The planets effortlessly do this revolving without any sort of control, force, or attempt to revolve themselves, instead engaging in effortless and spontaneous movement."
"Wu may be translated as not have or without; Wei may be translated as do, act, serve as, govern or effort. The literal meaning of wu wei is "without action", "without effort", or "without control", and is often included in the paradox wei wu wei: "action without action" or "effortless doing". The practice of wu wei and the efficacy of wei wu wei are fundamental tenets in Chinese thought and have been mostly emphasized by the Taoist school. One cannot actively pursue wu wei. It is more a mere observation of one's behavior after they have accepted themselves for who they are and release conscious control over their lives to the infinite Tao."
"This is not to say that a person should not exert agency and will. Rather, it is how one acts in relation to the natural processes already extant. The how, the Tao of intention and motivation, that is key."
"Best described as letting go of thoughts/actions that may hinder or block the spontaneous flow of events that take place naturally."

I think you're really brave for doing exposure therapy. Please keep believing in yourself and keep allowing yourself to enjoy the book. I'd also be very grateful if you could give me advice too, or tell me if you've made progress if that's okay with you.

--

My psychiatrist's practice still hasn't informed me about a possible appointment with a psychologist. It's really bumming me, because it's been around a month ago since he told me he would do that. I really want to start the CBT too, this life is driving me crazy.

Your message has come at just the right time. I am feeling awful today, there is so much I want to.do but I can't touch anything I love. I am a prisoner. I will print out your reply and start following it. You have really.given me.hope. I.am in the early stages of CBT and I get the feeling my psych and therapist are still getting their heads round the idea of emotional contamination. I do have a brilliant psych and therapist and I will.keep you informed as to how I crack the code to release me from my prison cell.

Take care x

Thank you for this feedback, it really means a lot to me, hearing this from you.

I recognize how you feel. I sometimes 'isolate' the stuff I love the most. To me this means permanently locking it away, so I can not experience or touch it, and am not even allowed to think about or remember it again. It hurts a lot, but to me it feels like I'm protecting it from myself. I'm always very proud when I manage to continue enjoying something for more than one time. Some things have even lasted me more than a year, though I don't do them on lesser days. Unless I'm feeling courageous of course, like today.

I've recently made a priority list. Because there's limited time in life, I have organized the things I like to do on a scale of how OC-incorrect I can be while doing it. This way I can prioritize, so that I can always do at least something. Maybe I can post the example while leaving out some details (I don't know if they would trigger):

Stage 1 - 0% - OC-correct
Stage 2 - 7.7% - Thoughts XS
Stage 3 - 15.4% - Environment XS
Stage 4 - 23.1% - Thoughts XS + Environment XS / Thoughts S
Stage 5 - 30.8% - Thoughts S + Environment XS
Stage 6 - 38.5% - Environment S
Stage 7 - 46.2% - Thoughts S + Environment S / Thoughts M
Stage 8 - 53.9% - Thoughts M + Environment S
Stage 9 - 61.6% - Environment M
Stage 10 - 69.3% - Thoughts M + Environment M / Thoughts L
Stage 11 - 77% - Thoughts L + Environment M
Stage 12 - 84.7% - Environment L
Stage 13 - 92.4% - Thoughts L + Environment L
Stage 14 - 100% - Threat-level at maximum capacity

</=5 - [the thing I love most]

</=6 - [creative thing A]
</=6 - [films A]
</=6 - [nice game]
</=6 - [certain difficult side-aspect in several games A]
</=6 - [Tumblr A]

</=8 - [novel of the thing I love most]

</=9 - [Tumblr C]
</=9 - [anime I haven't started yet]
</=9 - [creative thing B]
</=9 - [writing]

</=10 - [editing photos]
</=10 - [films B]
</=10 - [certain difficult side-aspect in several games B]
</=10 - [drawing]

</=11 - [reading]
</=11 - [inbox]
</=11 - [Tumblr B]

</=13 - [random activities to pass time]
</=13 - [creative pixel stuff]
</=13 - [lurking on a competitive gaming website]
</=13 - [interesting TV-series I can't get into]
</=13 - [helping in the household]

The higher the stages, the more threatening/OC-incorrect it feels. I've also divided the kind of things that can be wrong in my thoughts and environment into XS, S, M, and L (they work like clothing sizes). I don't have XL (yet?). Maybe I should have included it. I have difficulty differentiating stuff lower than Stage 13, because it all feels like mental torture and I won't be able to do anything at those stages. </= means at that stage or better here.

Examples: I've managed to reduce the requirements of my favorite activity to anything that feels safer than Stage 5 (</=5). This means that my thoughts are allowed to be bad, but still ignorable with distraction (Thoughts S), and that there can be physical imperfections that are relatively easy to ignore in the environment (Environment XS) alongside these thoughts (+). These physical imperfections can stack up until they no longer feels like XS combined. If I'm at Stage 6 or lower though, I'm not allowed to engage in that favorite activity anymore. But I could still play a nice game (A), or watch a nice film (A), or do something creative (A), etc. At stage 6 I could naturally also do stuff with lower requirements, like reading a book (</=11) or drawing (</=10). Stage 5 and 6 still don't happen very often though, I'm usually already lucky if it's at Stage 8. Or at least, that's how it feels. I feel like I keep getting more OC-incorrect as time passes. But that doesn't have to be a bad thing if I can still enjoy life and do stuff... I think. I'm still struggling with that though.

Tumblr A, B and C require a bit of background info. I separate art or graphics I find there into different folders on my computer. On A-days (good days) I use folder A for that month, on C-days (mediocre days) folder C, and on B-days (bad days) folder B. I created A and B first, because I used to only separate in good and bad. But after noticing the more common days that I was feeling in the middle, I created C. I created the folders before starting to call the days that way.

I used to aim for everything at Stage 1, or at least the things I love most, but by working with priorities I can make better use of my time. Some things take less courage to do on lesser days than other things, and sometimes I'm so caught up with a bad feeling that I forget that I could also do things with lower requirements. It really sucks having to discontinue what I was doing on the good days, but I could slowly lower the requirements over time if I'm brave.

I've tried to make things more comprehensible/tangible/overviewable (Dutch word: overzichtelijk) by making this, so maybe it can help you too. I don't know how useful it will be on the way to improvement yet, but at least it makes visualizing the different layers easier for now, and priorities can be a good initial guideline. Having something to do on the days that you feel bad can go a long way in helping you feel better, or could at least give you enough distraction to help you ignore the attacks and flaws of the moment.

Stay strong, I believe in you