OCD or beastiality? Really, really worried!

The reason why I ask if it's OCD is because I have suffered from HOCD and I'm currently still suffering from POCD. I literally had a huge memory flashback today and I'm freaking out.

Okay so when I was a kid (I think I was around 9-12? Something like that) I did some things I'm very embarrassed to admit in a sec. I don't know if it was just me being curious and horny (can 9-12 yr olds even be horny back then?) but I remember I would youtube dogs mating. I guess it was just the sexual act itself that made me get turned on but what if it's not? I also remember getting my old dog to lick my groinal area (I had my pants on), I NEVER harmed the dog and I would feel so bad if I ever did harm an animal. I also remember I use to get my toy (cheetah) whenever I was feeling horny and I would hump it or something. Thinking back of those acts now and I'm seriously freaking out! Did I do those because I AM into beastiality or did I just do it because I was a curious kid back then?

I'm actually so worried if I am into that kind of stuff. Did I get turned on because it was sexual or did I get turned on because of the animals? I'm 17 now and for the past few years I've NEVER looked at animals sexually, only that they're really cute, you know? I'm freaking out right now that I could possibly be into that stuff since I remembered all of that stuff today. I'm really freaking out

Please no rude comments, I'm already suffering enough

I honestly feel like killing myself right now I don't know how I'm suppose to live with this POCD and now apparent beastiality #######4 for the rest of my life. The licking my groinal area is mostly effecting me because why the ###$ would I do something like that? Did I like it? I remember enjoying it, but I don't think it's because of it being the animal that's doing it. I think I enjoyed it because of it's sexual relation (can't ######6 explain it), I don't really remember much of it to be honest. I probably just did it because I was horny and I wasn't attracted to the animal itself. But by saying that, what if I'm just saying that because I don't want to face the truth? Is it OCD? I'm doubting everything in my life right now and I don't know how much longer I can take it D: What if I'm just forcing myself to be freaked out by it because I know it's not accepted by society? What if the anxiety I'm feeling is fake? ###$ my life, seriously. I apologise if nothing I said made sense.

I think you are just worrying too much, it seems OCD can find the littlest things and turn them into worries, us as humans just do weird things, or let things happen out of curiosity, I can recall same $#%^ with dogs happening to me just like that, and I'm pretty sure when I was 10 I humped a stuffed dog. In a worse case scenario, if u let the dog lick you because it felt good, that's all it is, just the feeling, u don't want to have actual sex with dogs, and any type of sexual thoughts can cause a reaction, but people like me and u tend to worry about it, instead of shrugging it off

But then I think, "what if I do want to have a sex with a dog but won't because of how beastiality is viewed by society?" "What if I'll actually like it?" I swear, yesterday I was worrying about being a pedophile with the exact same thoughts (had that worry ever since June) and now I'm worrying if I'm into beastiality. Seriously, wtf is wrong with me. Now that I'm worrying about beastiality, POCD isn't concerning me right now. I'm actually wishing that I'm worrying about that instead of ever overthinking about what I did as a kid. Here's hoping I do have OCD since I just self-diagnosed myself haha.

OCD acts fast and can make someone worry about anything, my OCD literally made me think "what if I like animals" soon after reading this, but I easily shrugged it off because it's OCD trying to get at me. I feel like I am completely sure u don't like animals that way, sounds exactly like OCD the way you describe your fears, any feeling you would ever have had with a dog would have been physical or curiosity, not actual attraction, you probably never thought about animals in that way before ocd kicked in, from all my experience with my OCD in the past, I am sure in saying you don't have attraction to animals, once the chain of worrying about something starts, and you get over it, OCD will find something new.

I guess what you're saying is true. Now everytime I look at a picture of a dog or any other animal, I ask myself if I'm attracted to it or not, and then I get a groinal response, but I guess that's just caused by anxiety and me focusing on that spot. But what if I'm just saying that lol. I was normal with animals before all of this stupid worrying started. Ugh, it just feels so real.

I apologise if I make you have another theme haha.

Literally for me with pocd I felt a groinal response for every child I would see, even in a non sexual way, which I never felt before the pocd, OCD definately has to do with it, and causes extreme doubt in ones self.

I just feel so ashamed right now. I feel like I'm the only person in the world who has ever done that type of stuff as a kid. I want to go to a psychologist but I'n scared how he/she would react.

People do all kinds of crap as a kid/young adult and lend it special significance. Fact is, if you're worried about being attracted to animals or children you're not attracted to animals or children; as ordinarily the desire for this alternate sexuality would overtake any need for caution or worry of broader society.

I was worried previously that I had this awful potential to be a killer, and part of me thought maybe if you killed someone then you could finally know one way or the other if that's "you" as a person. However, I came to realise I didn't actually want to hurt anyone and so to do that test would make me unhappy - likewise I doubt the idea of mating with a dog holds any personal attraction to you so the mere thought of it won't make you feel good. Inherently, this invalidates the test in the first place.

Try and expose yourself to the situation of being with dogs alone (offering to walk neighbour's/families' dogs for example) and see how you feel. Also if you do happen to go see a professional and they are judgmental, find a different professional as the former clearly wouldn't be properly qualified for their job.

I still feel ashamed from doing those things as a kid. The more I think about it, the more embarrassed and wrong I feel. But what if I secretly like those things and I'm purposly suppressing it because of how it's viewed by people and that's why I'm getting so anxious by it? I honestly just don't know how I feel.

I understand that I should expose myself to the triggers or w.e but I really don't want to.