Identifying

I read many of the posts here before registering. I wanted to respond to some of them but they are years old, so I thought I would open my own.

I was diagnosed earlier this year with OCD. The symptoms that led me to a "shrink" were severe anxiety at work, sleep anxiety and personal concerns that I would harm myself or others. The thought of pushing the accelerator in my car and driving into a tree was a regular one. I was overworked, not because anyone forced me to work 12 - 14 hour days, or work weekends, or get up at 4:30 am to log on to my computer and work- it was because I had to, driven by the fear of being fired and ending up homeless, where I would probably have to kill myself.

The beauty of this diagnosis is that it is allowing me to accept some lifelong patterns and understand them. I have always felt weird, out of place, different, and had that "if anyone knew what I was thinking they would leave me" syndrome. I am on the outside a very well-adjusted, likeable and productive person- probably my biggest assets are being very smart and being very good with people relationships. Now that is more true than ever, I used to call myself a fake and a hypocrite.

Here are my personal tell-tale signs that lead me to accept this diagnosis, provided by a psychiatrist to me in February 2014:

I have always been obsessed with fears of things out of my control. People dying, people being assassinated, people being hurt when I can't help them. The fear of things happening to me that I cannot control, even coming from my parents.

As a child between 6-8 became obsessed with pornography. My brother kept it under his bed. I would look at it, and even though his bed was 5 feet from mine, I would cut out pictures to keep them closer to me.

I was obsessed with two illnesses, sleeping sickness and elephantiasis. I feared if a fly landed on me it would lay eggs on me and I would get one of these illnesses. I was afraid to sleep for fear of it happening when I was not watching. I feared greatly that my genitals would swell up and I would have to use a wheelbarrow to carry them around as I had seen in pictures.

I grew up during the cold war and obsessed at night about atomic war and who's house I would go to when a bomb went off- who had a bomb shelter and who did not.

I loved science fiction and monster movies and books- they were my escape. I knew they were not real. Everything else was real and frightening.

I used to think I was mentally ill and people were treating me normally to be nice to me. I used to take quick glances at people when they weren't looking to see if they were making fun of me.

When I started masturbating around 12 years old I would do it as many times in a day as I could- I realized I could do it again every hour, and would look for every opportunity to hide out away from family to do this. I am 60 years old and still have obsession with masturbation.

As a teenager, I went from no religion to a Christian Minister in three years. 7 years later I left that belief and tossed about trying to find other meaningful beliefs. All or nothing.

Sexual obsession has been my drug of choice, but there have been many. Drinking and drugs (cocaine) became a huge problem and I attended AA meetings for 2 1/2 years, then realized I was not an alcoholic but just liked the people. I went to meetings every day.

I went through 2 marriages destroyed by sexual obsession- I have been a respected professional in my field for 35 years, but I have had secret lives and have spent more than $50,000 on prostitution in my life, much of it while married.

I have attended Sex Addicts Anonymous for 12 years now, and have gotten some comfort in that, but mostly in reinforcing my personal belief that I am a terrible person who does terrible things, because that is what addicts do.

I started going to Alanon which led me down another path, one that has helped me to cope and to learn to love myself better. Although, I do not necessarily identify completely there any longer.

My tools that I have used this year to get better:

Meditation, breathing, self-hypnosis and medication before bed has eliminated my sleep anxiety almost entirely.

I accept medical solutions- for me Sertraline and Laematril, and trazadone for sleep.

I have discussions with myself that keep me from doing things and thinking things that lead me to worse mental states.

I accept masturbation as an indication of my OCD and a means to relax and accept myself. I no longer feel guilt or shame over that, but I do watch over myself as an adult to keep my behavior safe and sane.

I see myself as in "Transition"- I am lying in a beautiful field, full of flowers and fantastic smells, and I just lie there. I know that God exists, but in what fashion I cannot understand. I know that in one direction people say there is an answer. In the other direction other people say there is another answer. I can listen to them if I want to, but do not have to respond to any of them, as there is no need to respond.

I do less, not more.

I find relief in three 'M's- Meditation, Medication and Masturbation.

Your responses are welcome.

Hi Air,

That is quite a story, thank you for sharing it. Welcome to the forum. It's nice to have someone older here, who has experienced a lot, living with OCD (although you didn't get diagnosed until recently). I am 49, but I was diagnosed in my 30's. That didn't stop me from first self medicating by binge drinking, drugs and pornography.

I am quite interested in what you did to help you with sleep anxiety. My OCD (symptoms of) are all but gone, and I rarely have flare ups (but I do). But I still suffer anxiety at night when I try to sleep. I think it is anxiety. Over the last few years I have been experiencing very strange symptoms when I try to sleep, or during sleep.

At any rate, I will reread your post, and look up the meds you are taking. My Psych gave me Seroquel, which is an anti-psychotic but has an off-label use for sleep. It doesn't work that well, and has side-effects I want to get rid of (by giving up the meds).

Anyway, thanks again for your candor and tips.

Otter.

Thank you Otter. Trazadone is also an anti-psychotic medicine but rarely used because the dosage would be too high, and it is generally prescribed for sleep.

It's nice to have this forum. It's hard to talk to people about this- generally they want to downplay it or explain it away. There is freedom in accepting that this is part of who I am.