Could this be H-POCD? Pure OCD? Please help me. *tw*

First of all I should start by saying my official diagnosis is BPD, but I'm posting here because I am pretty sure I have POCD, along with other types of OCD, probably. I should also put a big TRIGGER WARNING here for discussion of pedophilia / general abuse.

This all started when I was about... Maybe 12, 13 years old. I have had access to the internet since I was young (maybe 9, 10), and by that time I was pretty familiar with everything forums, downloading stuff, etc. Anyways, I was browsing the internet and I shared a computer with my father, and I happened to stumble upon videos of women and horses having sex in his hard drive. I was curious and watched them. That was the first particular event that is related to weird sex stuff that I can think of. So, I started watching these videos and I would masturbate to them because that's what I thought was /the thing to do/.

Fast forward a couple of years, to me being about 15, I stumbled upon a picture of what seemed to be a young girl's genitals (but I couldn't tell, maybe it was just well-shaved enough that it looked younger). I was extremely curious. I didn't think much about it and I just ended up on me searching cp, downloading it and masturbating to it, as well as reading cp stories and also masturbating to them. I did get turned on but I didn't see this as problematic behaviour and did it for about 5 years, until I was 20. I kept this a secret because I knew I was wrong but I kept doing it anyways.

I should probably mention that I hardly ever had any fantasies about real children, and I never got turned on looking at real children or being around them. When I had thoughts while masturbating it was about going back on time and abusing myself, or of being a child and getting molested by other adults in my life. I do not have any real memories of getting molested so I can't answered if I was sexually abused as a kid. I did go through a lot of emotional abuse.

When I was 19 I found a person I fell for, who was the same age as me and I had a relationship of a year with them. In that time I finally opened up about this, telling them that I wanted to stop, that it wasn't who I was, that I needed help. I hadn't been to therapy yet at that time. They helped me 'get clean' but after I broke up with them I had a relapse (of only reading stories, not watching it anymore). That's when things started getting really bad for me. I would spend every day terrified I was actually a pedophile, checking on the internet for other sufferers of this condition and seeing what they did to live through it.

Last year I met my actual boyfriend, and my anxiety got so much worse after I started dating him. Along with the 'am I a pedophile?' obsession, which had me going to the hospital at 4 am multiple times because of a panic attack, some other violent intrusive thoughts have come to me, such as 'what if I put my cat in the microwave?', 'what if I put a finger in my cat's ass?', 'do I really love anyone or am I a psychopath who's uncapable of feeling?' and lots, lots more. They have lead to me having panic attacks every time, and I just want to find an answer to what the hell this is.

I like to think that I'm not a pedophile, or a violent person, and that I'm fully capable of loving, but I have thought about it so much I'm not actually sure of anything anymore. I just need to know SOMETHING for sure but I can't stop thinking about worst case scenarios and I am just clueless. How can I know I'm capable of loving and not a psychopath who wants to hurt anyone and everyone who comes across me? I'm scared, I'm terrified and I just don't know what to do anymore.

-- Thu Aug 28, 2014 10:41 pm --

I should mention that I also have suicide phobia, which I have read about in here. I don't want to die, I just want all my stuggles to go away and I think about death a lot because I get desperate, but I really want to be able to live a happy life and nothing more.

Just wanted to say I am sorry you are going through this and I understand a lot of what you are saying. I have known people with the "wondering" thing (your cat stuff). I won't go near a ledge, bridge or anything high up exposed because I think I will jump off. Not fall off, jump. Why? No reason. My solutions are in trying to "even the score" with these obsessions- to understand and tell myself they are not real. Like so many science fiction and horror stories, if we believe things they become real. If we don't believe them they don't. Hopefully. I also relate to your suicide phobia, I hadn't heard it termed that way but I have felt so much psychic pain at times that I would rather be dead than alive. It has nothing to do with wanting to die, just getting rid of the pain.

I hope you find some comfort in the fact that you are not alone!