Am I a pedophile or is it POCD?

Hi guys, this is my first post and I apologise in advance if it's long and I start to ramble. I suck at explaining things on my phone compared to in person so just bare with me here.

I'm a 23 year old man and I'm constantly thinking if I'm a pedophile. These reoccurring thoughts started in June and it hasn't subsided since. It all happened one night when I was masturbating and an intrusive thought of my niece popped into my head. I stopped the activity though and started again when I imagined an adult man (I sound so creepy just saying that). After I finished with the activity, I questioned why she popped into my head, which caused me to question myself if I did so because I'm a pedophile.

Ever since that thought, it hasn't gone away SINCE. For that first week of having it I was very stressed out and anxious. After a couple of days, during a bad episode which led me to a few tears, I googled 'am I a pedophile?' I was too scared to actually click on the links of people who are indeed pedophiles, purely for the fact I was scared in case I match up a pedo's criteria. I then came across POCD which gave me relief... But only for a few seconds/minutes.

Let's just fast forward to now. I just can't shake off these thoughts and they're all making me doubt who I am. I even doubt if I actually feel the doubting and anxiousness and then it makes me think if I'm just making myself feel that way because I don't want to be a pedophile (sounds silly, I know). But then I ask myself, "what if I don't want to be a pedophile because of the stigma attached to it and if it was socially acceptable, I wouldn't be worrying as much?" "What if I really AM a pedophile and I'm just blaming it on POCD?" "What if I've been suppressing my pedophile side until now?" These thoughts are seriously on repeat in my head. It's all what if's, what if's, what if's. I even question myself if I MAKE myself feel anxious because I don't want to face the truth that I am one. I also ask myself if I make myself have all these what if's questions on purpose because I don't want to face the truth.

Before these thoughts happened I never really worried about being a pedophile. In fact, I actually couldn't stand being around kids. But, because of that I ask myself, "what if you hated kids because you were a pedophile back then and didn't want to admit it, so it was easier for you to say you hate them, or 'pretend' to hate them?"

I guess this isn't my first obsessional thought since I had one back when I was around 13 or 14. It was centred around being a homosexual. The thoughts were on and off and now after a few years later I realised that I'm not gay. So what I'm obsessing about now can/will have the same outcome?

There was also that one time when I was obsessing about developing alzheimer's disease or dementia... Even though the logic part of my brain knew that it doesn't run in my family. But that quickly left since logic won. But then there was also that time when I was afraid of going to sleep at night in case I wouldn't wake up the next day. I forgot how long both of those obsessional thoughts (would you even consider them obsessional thoughts?) lasted for.

Then I was obsessing if I can't understand what I'm reading and I couldn't understand words, which was TOTALLY STUPID since obviously I do understand words lol. That lasted for a while but logic won in the end.

So, yeah, basically I'm worried if I am a pedophile or if it is in fact POCD? I just can't shake the thoughts and I constantly check myself to see if I am attracted to kids or not

Thank you for reading this novel sized post haha. I hope to see responses.

Ugh, I'm constantly doubting my doubting! What if I'm really not doubting but I'm just making myself doubt on purpose so I can fall under a symptom in OCD???? I can't explain it! Replies are welcome... I just want to hear what you guys think. I sound so stupid right about now.

hi - sorry about all the suffering and obsessions and intrusive thoughts you are having. your whole post describes the way I felt in my peak days of OCD.

It's all what if's, what if's, what if's.

Also, as you can see your worries and intrusive thoughts bounce from one subject to another, each one seeming as real as the one before it. Now, you are worried about being a pedophile. We have had people post here who are afraid they are a pedophile and then two weeks later they post that they are no longer frightened of being a pedophile, but now they are afraid they like the same sex (HOCD), etc.

Have you had any support for this? Have you seen a doctor?

Otter.

Hi Otter, thank you for replying.

I have told my mum and sister about it but they're not really taking it in account how serious the thoughts are. They just tell me to shrug it off. My sister said that if I wanted to, she'll book in an appointment for me to go see a GP. But I'm scared to tell the GP all of this... What if it's not OCD? What if they misdiagnose me? Those are the two questions that are constanstly swimming in my head.

I'm also doubtful if this is OCD because I don't think anyone else in my family has this disorder. I guess just thinking that is 'feeding' my OCD... If I do have it.

From the beginning I never saw my GP, so I can't say how they would handle things, but I imagine they would refer you to someone. At any rate, maybe it would be better to ask for a referral.

Where I live, unless you are perceived as a danger to yourself or others, they can't do anything to you because of the thoughts that you have. And I have had them all - the most bizarre. It didn't make my Psych flinch each time I told her the latest bizarre thoughts. If you're seeing a professional who is trained for this sort of thing, I doubt you will shock them.

No one in my family has OCD or any anxiety disorders and I suffered bad OCD for a long time (until I sought help).

Don't "live with it". Get some help. I know it's difficult to bring it out to strangers (or anyone for that matter). It was difficult for me and many who have posted here. But it could be the start of feeling better.

Otter.

Sometimes I get groinal responses when I see or think about kids. Is it really because my body is being aroused by it, or is it caused by anxiety? I googled the symptoms of anxiety and I don't really relate to any of the symptoms. I mean, I feel this adrenaline rush type of thing in my chest and my breathing stays the same sort of. I can't really explain it. Is that anxiety? I know everyone experiences anxiety differently from others. But idk... Like i said before, I'm doubting if I actually do feel anxiety from this. Did you also doubt you had anxiety from whatever you were obsessing about?

I found this article (http://ocdreflections.blogspot.com.au/2 ... o.html?m=1) and I can relate to it so much. The first few comments in the comment section is also very relatable to me as well. But in saying that, I'm doubting if I do relate to it or if I'm actually just forcing myself to. Omg... My brain is all over the place. I apologise if I'm being annoying lol.

I first saw a GP with harm OCD, literally saying "I'm worried I'll break my fiancée's neck" with my fiancée being in the room and the GP wasn't worried. Having said that, on other occasions I've seen other GPs in the same doctor's surgery (the UK term for where they hang out for whatever reason) and they've said things like "Have you been playing violent video games or watching violent films?" which is completely missing the point - so ultimately mileage may vary. However, you're never going to get locked up for talking to a GP in confidence, and the key distinction with all of these disorders is when you approach a GP you would always lead with something along the lines of "I'm worried about being a a paedophile" whereas a paedophile might say something along the lines of "I'm pretty sure I'm attracted to children - what can I do about it". Sexual attraction is ultimately governed by pleasure, not by guilt, and so if you were truly aroused by children your guilt may very likely be lesser to your attraction.

However when I've masturbated I've had my nieces pop into my head in that unpleasant way; I've had nieces since I was 10 and now I'm 24 and despite having these thoughts I've had nor wanted zero sexual encounters with them. Just because you brain has hardwired a complex fear into your head, definitely doesn't make it true. In a broader sense my harm OCD has always been about showing me up in front of society, and though I was mainly preoccupied with murdering people paedophilia certainly fit that bill and to a lesser extent my brain tried that one on me too. I'm not a medical professional, but I'd suggest babysitting kids (or your niece if you live close enough) would be great exposure for you. Do that enough and eventually you'll be able to normalise yourself.

It sounds a lot like OCD, I wold recommend finding a Psychologist (Familiar with this sort of OCD). Additionally support groups would be helpful. You're definitely not alone. This is a article I think you will find helpful.

http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/15/5/332.full