HOCD is messing with the wrong girl....

Hi guys! I need to vent and I would love to hear some advice.

I originally had ROCD (didnt know I had ocd until HOCD) and I do have a mix of ROCD and HOCD. for example, when im with my boyfriend my mind goes "you're using him to look straight. You dont miss him enough to love him. Why dont you miss him? Why dont you feel love? You would rather be laying with a woman instead of him. You're lesbian/bi. You are going to get bored of him/men and leave him and get with a girl in the future." I can keep going.

I hit the backdoor spike not too long ago. I still get some thoughts. But they are very silenced you can say. I still can never get away from them for more than 15 minutes. They dont really bother me or impact me anymore, but at the same time, they do (I mean its like a bully in my head following me calling me a lesbian/bisexual all the time, searching constantly for evidence that im gay). i feel like "normal" isnt too far. But i do still feel distant/disconnected from myself and my boyfriend.

In fact my feelings are very numb. I feel incapable of feeling emotions (love, happiness, anger, jealousy, etc) its more of just a blank, sleepy state of mind. I dont feel anxious that much, but some things are still capable of spiking me and sending me thoughts (seeing a woman with a nice body, seeing cleavage, thinking a girl is gorgeous, admiring a pretty person) and sometimes it'll even bring gross thoughts, but I let them go. I still notice women but not as much. I feel like my brain might finally be starting getting back to normal, but I still feel uncertain and blurred in some aspects of normal...idk if that makes sense.

I got a lot better when I stopped compulsions (searching the internet, imagining myself as gay until I feel the right amount of disgust) there is still doubt but I do hold on to my hope.

Any advice for dealing with an outdoor spike would be lovely