Obsessing Over Lovers

hey guys,

I am with the girl of my dreams, let me get that out first. Shes smart, funny, attractive and gives me everything I could ever want in a person. I struggle with her sometimes because of the OCD obessions I go through imagining her past sexual expirences some of which are very colorful. I have had alot of help through counceling and I believe Im dealing with the obsessive thoughts well, that said I tend to be overly possessive.

I have a very soild picture of the person I want to be, one who is able to hold rational control over his emotions and not obsess about things I cannot change. It seems though, that I want to have all of her when I love her... control over her past as well as her future. I know this is impossible but I muse over her past like it impacts me today. It doesnt, except for the fact that one day if I do decide to marry this amazing woman, I want to make sure that she wont leave. I want to be able to give her everything I can and sometimes I do it to a fault.

Sometimes I wish for the relationship to be over, just so I wouldnt have to deal with this anymore. But I realized early on that I get like this everytime im in love and that ending this wont change a thing except leave me regretting not being with her. I truly love her more than I could ever put into words and look for strength every day to make me a better person.

michael12 wrote:hey guys,

I am with the girl of my dreams, let me get that out first. Shes smart, funny, attractive and gives me everything I could ever want in a person. I struggle with her sometimes because of the OCD obessions I go through imagining her past sexual expirences some of which are very colorful. I have had alot of help through counceling and I believe Im dealing with the obsessive thoughts well, that said I tend to be overly possessive.

I have a very soild picture of the person I want to be, one who is able to hold rational control over his emotions and not obsess about things I cannot change. It seems though, that I want to have all of her when I love her... control over her past as well as her future. I know this is impossible but I muse over her past like it impacts me today. It doesnt, except for the fact that one day if I do decide to marry this amazing woman, I want to make sure that she wont leave. I want to be able to give her everything I can and sometimes I do it to a fault.

Sometimes I wish for the relationship to be over, just so I wouldnt have to deal with this anymore. But I realized early on that I get like this everytime im in love and that ending this wont change a thing except leave me regretting not being with her. I truly love her more than I could ever put into words and look for strength every day to make me a better person.

I hope you can find a way to deal with it because it sounds like you have something really great with her.

I am sort of the same as you. i am very demanding in my relationships...sometimes even from people who i'm just getting to know. which can be very hard. this guy that im trying to get over...he is the second one in 6-7 months who thought i was too needy and it hurts to hear that he doesn't want me. the reason he doesn't want to be with me is also due to the fact that there's another girl that he met before me and he likes her more then me. but what hurt me was that he said he couldn't handle my over bearing neediness. it was pretty much for the same reason that the guy before him got fed up with me. HE also thought i was needy and couldn't handle it so he just stopped all communications with me. I've NEVER been turned down like that before that time, im usually the one rejecting guys, even as i was recovering from very severe ocd, i stil had guys wanting to be with me but as my germ phobia and a couple of other ocd related phobias are gettin lessened, my neediness and jealousy in relationships have been getting worse and i don't know how to control it, i hope next time i like someone i dont mess it up again.......

Kali, I'm in the exact situation right now.

I can't sleep or eat, obsessing over them , losing them, and them taking off with the one before me .

What do we do to stop this madness( I call it).

boy do i miss her, after almost a year of me trying to cover up my obsessing we broke up a few days ago. Shes so great...i hope I can be with her again one day when I am better. I know I can, but this hurts so badly...

^You'll feel better soon Mike. I used to have those obsessive thoughts about the girl I was in love with and they made my cry but after Zoloft things changed significantly.

sometimes you have to allow things to leave your life if they arent working. There was something not right going on in the situation and now that I look back 6 months ago I was trying to force something that just wasnt for me.

There was a reason for my obsessive behavior, i had low self esteem and always thought i had to hold on for dear life to any girl i ever had. In actuality, some time being single has made me see how many fish are actually in the pond. Its nice

The girl I was with then, despite how i told her that I did not want to know about her past, had no tact when it came to approaching the subject. I realize now that she was a great friend, but only stirred up my inadequacies because she was oblivious to the fact that she was hurting me.

Yes maybe i did need to "toughen up" but maybe she should've learned some restraint and realized there are some things that arent good to talk about in relationships. I loved her, but the way she dumped her unresolved issues on my lap was callous and repulsive. I deserve better.

I am much happier now, out on my own, with my own place and happily single for now. I owe alot of it to traveling, and the fact that sometimes when you have a moment to take a look at things from different place you can see a lot clearer. I am off lexapro and feeling overwhelmingly optimistic. Thanks for all the kind words guys, i was in a rough place with her for a while!

michael12 wrote:There was a reason for my obsessive behavior, i had low self esteem

Exactly the same reason for mine, man.

Michael12 - your words sum up my feelings quite nicely. I'm gonna elaborate - a bit too much, I'm afraid.

I've been in a wonderful committed relationship with Anthony for over 1 1/2 years, and we've been living together for most of that time. Before we got serious, we were friends for about 3 years, during which time we were dating other people. During those three years, we were intimate with each other many times, and were unfaithful to our partners. Neither of us is proud of that, but we've reconciled with those individuals and moved on.

There is a lot of passion & fire in our relationship - always has been. We're living in a farmhouse now, together, and we've built a big vegetable garden together. He's working on a novel that's very important to him, and I used to perform with a popular vocal group...but the group is now finished, and I feel like I have no creative outlet.

I have many OCD tendencies - complex counting obsessions and patterns that I can't seem to silence. I'm a perfectionist about certain things, like setting the table or lining up canned goods in the pantry, but I constantly avoid things like paying bills and calling people back. I constantly make "to do" lists, but I can NEVER check things off.

I have been without health insurance for a couple of years, so that's why I haven't seen a professional yet...but I'll be getting insurance through work in 2 weeks. So, a visit to a good doctor will be first on the list.

I've pretty much self-diagnosed myself with OCD and avoidant tendencies. Over the last year or so, it's made daily life very difficult. I spend so much time counting in my head that I'm unable to think about important things, or UNimportant things, or anything creative. I miss writing stories and songs, jamming with friends, etc...but every time I try to write or get together with people, I freak out and just can't. I'll get a few words on the page, and just freeze up, or start counting and can't stop, or tell myself that what I've written is terrible. When I'm singing, I never count. It's the one time I have that peace.

Anyway, I'm rambling now...but I've been wanting to post on a forum like this one for a very long time, but I've been avoiding it because, well...heh.

The major point I'd like to make is that my obsessions with my lover's past women friends are driving us apart in a major way. We've talked as openly as possible about it, and I just have to keep telling him that I'm trying to trust him. I accidentally stumbled across a letter to a friend of his in which he says something to the extent of, "This fidelity thing is new to me, but it's pretty great. Challenging, yes...every day...but it's worth it." So I feel like I NEED to trust him. I owe him that much.

But then I see a letter from or to him from one of his exes - who were friends of his before they were anything more - and just go ballistic. I start to question EVERYTHING - I'm not pretty enough, not spontaneous enough, I'm driving him crazy, the house is a mess and he hates it, he wants to leave me - and I confront him in a bitchy or vindictive or depressed or hopeless way. And all he can do is hug me and repeat over and over again that he loves me and he's true to me; he's being honest. But lately I've been freaking out so often that he's more likely to just get upset and blow me off. I always storm off and sob uncontrollably until I come down, realize that he's telling me the truth and that this is all due to OCD and self esteem issues, and go back to him to apologize.

HOW can I break this cycle?

I feel like I can't control it.

Please - I would really like suggestions, no matter how silly.

-Cat