Trapped in my own head, HOCD or not?

Hello everybody,

I've been lurking around the forums for quite a while and reading everyone's posts. I've been struggling with this HOCD - if its even real - for quite a long time. The first time was in my youth and it seemingly disappeared. Then, about 5 or so months ago, it slowly came back. Now in the last month it has gotten to the point of almost insanity.

I constantly question my self on a daily basis. Almost like a religion I wake up and look at other people, men, to see if I have a reaction. This can be in person or on TV or the internet. I stare at them and try to convince myself I do not have a reaction. Usually this leads to a HUGE anxiety attack - even more so when I have a random thought like "Hes cute.." in my head. Which I don't think I would ever think rationally.

I'm having a hard time finding the truth and what is reality. I've been with many woman in my life and had long term relationships. One of my first lasted almost 4 years and it took me a LONG time to get over it. Then I moved onto another which, arguably, was even harder to get over. Most recently I have left a relationship of almost 4 years.. I know I am attracted to woman I just constantly question it. I should also add I ended up getting HPV before my last relationship which has made sex.. difficult. I was always scared they would judge me or I would pass it on and I couldn't live with that fear.

Now it brings me to present day. I sit here and constantly wonder if HOCD is even real. I'm a point that the thoughts of being with a man don't disgust me - as I have always accepted homosexuals and their life styles - but it always feels as if.. its not for me. Then I question the feeling its not for me.. and rinse and repeat. How do I know whats real?! I can't remember ANY time in my life I wanted a relationship with a man or had butterflys like I do with woman. I can't even remember having a SINGLE fantasy! The only thing I can think of is.. I used to look at Shemale and Futanari. I enjoyed it too - but I always found I enjoyed seeing them with woman, never with another man. I mean I'd stumble on it and I wouldn't be disgusted just wasn't for me.. I think. I dunno.

I guess my question for everyone is this.. how do I know its HOCD? How do I know I am not in denial? Everything inside me screams I don't wanna be Bi I don't wanna be gay.. and it scares me. It's messing up my life. I literally get pains when a thought hits my head and I flinch. Recently I have been going to a psychologist and they think its either Anxiety or.. Bi-Polar - manic thoughts.

How do I know I am not gay??!.. I've tried thinking but it doesn't work for me. Like I said I don't find gay people disgusting AT ALL so when I try to picture another man or gay sex.. it doesn't gross me out but I don't find it. alluring? Is that the right word? But then I yell at myself for even THINKING like that. How could a straight man feel this way!?.. I've never doubted it HARDER then I have now.. and I can't think of a SINGLE MAN in my life I have ever DESIRED what so ever!

What is this!? Is this denial or HOCD..? Is HOCD even real? Can I believe that its all in my head and I'll someday be better!? I've tried saying I am gay outloud but.. it just doesn't feel right and other times it feels neutral.. is my non hatred and non disgust of a man show that I am gay? I even did that "Lets watch gay porn to see if I like it" and I remember I saw a man give another man a blow job.. and I got hardish. Scared me RIGHT to death and I had a MASSIVE anixety attack.

Anyway.. please help.

Hi man, sorry to see you're also struggling.
Although i can't diagnose you, I think you have OCD. You're obviously not gay, considering you're not attracted to men. And by the way, stop watching porn altogether, it's terrible for OCD sufferers. And that part you wrote about men being 'cute'.. it's completely normal to notice that a guy is attractive, every guy does that, trust me.

I suggest going to a therapist, maybe someone that is an expert in OCD, not someone that will falsely diagnose you and give you even more anxiety.

Best of luck!

I've been seeing a therpist for a little while now.. and at first she was confused with the idea of HOCD> Then she says it makes sense and maybe its something under neath causing it. Now she believes that I may or may not be Bi-Polar. It's.. interesting. I'm seeing an actual psycologist today as they want me on medication. We'll see what they say..

I just hate the fact that I can't tell fiction from reality anymore. I even doubt HOCD exists at times.

Under-qualified therapists are horrible, they can also trigger your anxiety like crazy. For example, I went to a terrible therapist few years ago, and she told me I don't have OCD because i don't have observable compulsions like washing hands and such.

The thing is that with pure O, you don't really have observable compulsions, your compulsions are all about your thoughts, you're always trying to make perfect sense out of things, to rationalize, to 'put everything in order' in your mind, and when you have a slightest shred of uncertainty, you totally over-analyze. Then I went to a good psychiatrist/sexologist who told me that i clearly have pure O.

One of the characteristics of HOCD is that it at some point starts questioning itself, and that's just the way it is, don't worry. See how it thrives on any uncertainty possible, it's just incredibly annoying, i know.

Also, see if you could start CBT with your new therapist. Good luck!

Thanks for the replies I appreciate it. They ended up putting me on some new meds and want to do some testing to see if its OCD or Bi-Polar etc. Its tough to go down this road as there are times I doubt if I even have OCD or Anxiety and I am just hiding my true nature. It's so bizarre to live in your own head and question things like this.. its hard to think we have thoughts that are not our own. It's funny because over time I find myself arguing with facts and logic.

Anyone who has gotten over this how did you do it? What thought finally triggered it? I know your supposed to avoid thinking about it and just accept it but I find myself to the point of saying "If I somehow am gay then I don't wanna live.. i'd rather die." and it scares me. I just can't see my life in that light and I can't accept it could even be possible because I'd hate myself because of it.