Don't watch porn! OCD experience

Hey all, I've got a personal story to share with you that can change your way of seeing that whole 'internet porn' thing

I'm 19, been suffering OCD for 5 years now. It started on New Year's eve 2009, with a sudden obsession about my sexuality. (I've always been kinda OCD-ish, some checking,counting, but mild). I was watching a show on MTV and there were some gay dudes. It suddenly hit me: 'What if you were gay?' (not that i have anything against homosexuals, i'm actually really supportive of their rights, and i despise homophobes. But, as many of you know, OCD is ego-dystonic and just wants me to question my own personality. I then developed an obsession of 'not being able to relax'. For example, i relax and start doing something like listening to music, and then it hits me: 'you are relaxed not, you should be obsessing!' etc. I fought with that for a while.

And that year, i got in a bigger mess. I remembered that i used to watch 'shemale' porn at the time. I felt terrible, started questioning my sexuality, sanity etc. It just felt uncomfortable. After that there was checking with gay porn, to see if i was aroused, constant checking if i was aroused. There were dozens of small obsessions along the way. For example: 'do you like the penis?' (that one was terrible).

After that mess, i started going to a therapist who prescribed some antidepressants, and diagnosed me with Pure O. I went to counseling for some time and it really helped(along with meds).
Eventually, when i felt better i stopped taking them, with his advice of course.
After that i thought i got rid of everything that bothered me, only to start remembering that when i was younger i watched 'incest' porn. Now i check everything, every emotional contact with my family, hug.. I could never imagine myself doing anything like that.. I love my family, but not in a weird way.
i got to grips with that, and it's tolerable, but i still have millions of intrusive thoughts and checks during the day. It's unbearable sometimes, and i noticed that alcohol tends to worsen the thoughts.
I stopped masturbating a month ago, because whenever i try to masturbate, millions intrusive thoughts pop up in my head.
I also started losing hair because of stress and i have terrible weird dreams.

There's also POCD, along with this, but i can brush it off most of the time.

I'm a complete mess still, but i think i can win the fight. The problem is that whenever i want to talk to my parents, they dont seem to understand that this is an ILLNESS, not my wish to be obsessive over things. They won't even accept that a certified therapist diagnosed me with OCD. They are supportive, but they think that it's my 'wish' to think this way and that i can stop if i 'wanted' to, so i don't even talk to anyone about my problems anymore. (of course i would never tell them what bothers me exactly).

So, I realise that it's different for everyone, and that not everyone reacts the same to pornography, and that i got it bad. But please, have it in your mind not to watch it, it can lead to some terrible things, like you can see from my story.

Best of luck!

thank you for sharing your experience. i am sorry to hear how your parents reacted. 'you can stop whenever you want to' i've heard this sentence many2 times and it's awful. but it's nice seeing you're really optimistic. keep going .

Thanks for your reply, torrent!
I think though i'm going to break and tell my parents that I have to go to my therapist again, maybe reintroduce the medication. It's incredibly tough.
On another note, along with being a total wreck, i'm also angry. Maybe i sound like a crybaby, but how come that I, who never hurt anyone in my life, always been kind to everybody, helped whenever i was asked(or whenever i felt the need to help), have to deal with this enormous burden. I guess that this kind of thinking is characteristic of OCD.. but there isn't a day when i don't think about this. Just why?
I mean, i'm almost 20 and my freaking hair is falling off!! All because of stress and evils brought on by pornography, something that is taken so lightly by everybody else nowadays. Why do i have to be so sick and watch that odd stuff?!

Thanks again, it's great to see there are also some nice and supportive people on here!

hmm, i never had experience of hocd/pocd. and i dont watch porn. so i apologize i can't give you some advice about that but i just wanted to offer my compassion, and i am sorry how it really makes you sick. meet a therapist is a really good idea, let us know how it goes..

You should actually use the porn as exposure. That's how you will get over all of this.

Lml8514 wrote:You should actually use the porn as exposure. That's how you will get over all of this.

Can you maybe explain better what I should do?

Gosh have I heard that sentence too often 'you need to relax' 'stop obsessing and being silly'
People who don't have it or have any knowledge on the illness don't understand. Sorry to hear about the trouble you've been through I've been through Hocd, Harm ocd and obsessing about the health of me and my family I don't wish for any more obsessing!

I'm sorry you are struggling. That's really tough about your family. Very upsetting when people think it is something you can switch off.
I do agree though that porn or any triggers should not be avoided, but used as exposure. If you avoid things that you normally do, it will nurture the fear in your brain and will lead to further obsessions down the road, and you will never properly learn how to embrace them as opposed to avoiding them.
I hope you feel better soon. Cut the compulsions, checking etc., and doing exposure and acceptance exercises are a good place to start.