Guilt from Past and OCD *of a sexual nature*

Hey everyone,
New to this part of the board and thought it would be a good idea for me to come here and vent, share and get some opinions.
I have been dealing with OCD all my life, but the pure -o started about four years ago. It was anything from false memories, to HOCD, to ROCD. It was a rough year. Before I started feeling a bit better. And a few years went by where it was quiet.
Now I am obsessing over my past. I feel remorseful, guilty....over some sexual experimentation that was done with a sibling and a friend of mine (all a year or two apart).
Of course there are times where I feel like I am making up memories - but there are snippets of memories that have come up that I can't let to of. This was about 18 years ago too.
I know it wasn't abuse. I know it was experimentation.....
But the OCD takes hold and I begin to think "maybe you did abuse" - "maybe you forced" - "maybe you screwed your sister up totally" -
There is no reason to believe that my sister is having problems from this at all. We are close to this day.
But I don't know what to do with all these thoughts in my head!! There are moments of clarity where I say "just let it go! You were 11/12! That's not u now and you were young and dumb!" But then there come moments of utter dispair where my thoughts tell me I am useless, disgusting, worthless, I don't deserve happiness and don't deserve to move on from this and that I am a monster.

How do we let go of past memories and live with the uncertainty?! I don't want to bring it up to my sister as it is embarassing and if she forgot about it maybe she wants it to remain that way but I am so lost and feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown!!


Thanks for listening.

sound exactly like my OCD. After a year I myself are finally getting better so let me say YOU ARE FINE!

Hey alostgirl, i just read your post and i'm so sorry you're going through this. I myself have ocd guilt over past mistakes and events and my god it's horrible. I've had HOCD and harm ocd but the guilt one is the one that always comes back. Stay strong, there are days like you said where you can brush it off and its a moment of clarity that things aren't that bad and you try to remember that for the next time the guilt ocd comes but it's difficult. From what i've read on all these forums, you're not alone, seriously. This type of ocd and sexual experimentation guilt is so common it's unbelievable.

Feel free to pm me anytime you want to talk or vent. Good luck.

Same here. I experimented with my sister and a 2 year old boy when i was 13-14 and had no knowledge about sex. Now i feel tremendous guilt of what i did 15 years back and never repeated. My ocd is POCD. Uneanted sexual thoughts about my little daughter and family members. Suffering a lot with guilt n ocd. Hopefully things will be fine. Just agree with ur thoughts like i m trying. Dont do compulsions. Stay firm that u will not engage urself with the thoughts. Let them come. U say I AGREE and avoid repeated thinking of thoughts. Hope it helps

Can you believe it's been over a month since I have been on here and on a whim I decided to check out the forums and received two replies from you guys on the same day. What a coincidence.

The guilt ocd is especially hard to deal with. Because it involves more then you. I guess.
I would like to thank you both for sharing with me and for the advice.
I have been doing good the last little while but sometimes those niggling thoughts tend to reappear and try to creep up. I am trying my best to accept them. I also feel like my harm-O is trying to flare up too. This ocd thing just sucks!!

Sanjay - it will be okay. We just need to work on this. It is a mental illness.

Startingover - I think I might just take you up on that offer. Thanks so much.
May I ask you both how you deal with it when it gets particularly worse? Sometimes the anxiety is just brutal that comes with it.
Anyways. I do hope you are both well.
Thank you again.

Hey alostgirl, you can pm me anytime Its so tough to deal with the anxiety. When i first remembered the guilt event i was so struck with anxiety it completely wrecked me. I felt so bad and couldn't get my head around it. It consumed me, everyday, all day. My 20's have been consumed by various types of ocd including this one and i'm in my early 30's now. I'm better than what i was but there are still days it's tough. But the thing to remember is that while yes, you feel guilty and bad about whatever happened, you are not a bad person. I used to think i was the worst person in the world and that i didn't deserve any good in my life but the fact that you're here, talking to people in the same position and that you still feel bad about this 18 years later proves you are a good person and never forget that.

I just try to remember that if there's ever been a day i've felt good or i've mentally come to put the ocd at rest, even once, then it's possible to feel that way again. Tomorrow could be the best day of your life. You are not alone in this. Another thing i've noticed too is that in these cases people also suffer from false memory. I've thought this too and the fact that ocd has to be 100%, it makes it tough. So we can just let the thoughts come and say 'hey, maybe this happened, maybe it didn't, i'm a good person and ocd won't let me think otherwise'. Also it helps me to try and take my mind off it by doing something else. As cliche as that sounds it does help. Listening to music or watching funny videos has helped me escape the ocd for a while at least. I hope you're keeping well and stay strong. You will feel better.