scared i might have molested sister (tw sexual abuse)

Um, hi...I am very worried and upset over an incident that happened a year ago when I was eighteen. I had been having lots of sexually intrusive thoughts that were making me very distressed and was having a difficult time with it, I had a lot of groinal responses that upset me sooo much. Oneday I was laying in my older sister's bed with her just talking to her while we watched movies and things like this on her computer and my groin was kind-of lined-up with her leg. The groinal responses were so bad at the time that anybody touching me at all made me obsess about 'what if I get aroused from this' and so then I would, so I immediately felt a sensation of arousal where I was touching her leg. It felt good to me and I acknowledged that and then started to pull away because it made me really uncomfortable and upset to think about that. But I don't think I pulled away quick enough like I should have... and as I was pulling away I kind-of squeezed my thighs together to cause a pleasurable little wave of sensation in me. And I feel so guilty about doing that and I can't believe I did it. I feel like I molested her. I remember thinking about how wrong it was to squeeze my thighs together on purpose to give myself a pleasurable feeling. But I can't remember if I thought that before or after I did it, like did I just squeeze my thighs together as a reflex because I often do it when I'm aroused normally? Or did I do it on purpose because I liked the idea of how wrong it was and knew that what I was doing was wrong? I can't remember and I feel like I'm going crazy...

I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm ever going to get over this and I know I don't deserve to. I want to tell her I'm sorry but I don't think she noticed, not at all, and I don't want to potentially traumatize her by telling her about the incident...and to be honest I'm also a horrible person and I'm scared of her judging me. I am absolutely horrified by stories of sexual abuse and have lots of friends who have been and I think it is literally the worst thing in the whole world that can ever be done and it is the one thing that is completely unforgiveable. So I don't know how I could do that...how can I be such a horrible person...I really just wanted to confess here...thank you for listening to me if you read all of this. ;.;

I really do empathise with you. This, for me, was the worst type of spike to have. I once got a groinal response when my little sister was sitting in my lap. I didnt even move but convinced myself that because it felt vaguely sexual and I might have 'liked' it on some level, that I had molested her. It took me 6 months of meds, hospital and countless professionals to let it go after which I realised it was all OCD's tricks. The doubt you have is what is fuelling this...and there is generally no doubt when it comes to real abuse. I wont even talk about molestation because this is no where near it. I know how hard it is, but you HAVE to let the anxiety and fear be there. Dont run from it, it will come back stronger. Let the thoughts be, dont try and figure it out because that is useless against OCD.
About 4 months ago, I was giving my little brother and sister affectionate kisses. I got a vague groinal response after the first 2 or 3 kisses, but I wasnt anxious at all, I am used to them now. I recognised it as a sort of nice feeling (mixed up with affection and probably slight physiological arousal to human contact, or who knows), let it be there and then automatically went and gave my brother another kiss. Now, letting the thoughts be there and not engaging with them is what you are supposed to do. But it felt like I enjoyed the feeling a little, then gave him another kiss as a result. So I panicked and thought I had kissed him for somewhat sexual reasons. This is apparently a backdoor spike (one without anxiety) and it is harder to understand because I wasnt having the usual OCD thoughts. I feel like a monster most days but am working hard not to obsess and see a CBT therapist again. It's upsetting because I have been recovered for some time and it's a set back.
You have to get to the point of not caring, which I know seems impossible right now. Let it go, say 'whatever, I'm not going to deal with it right now.' I do understand how painful this is though, I hope things get better for you soon.

Oh...thank you sooo much for your reply, it is really helping me. I told my sister earlier tonight about what happened (I did not say that it was her who it happened with, because I thought it might upset her, but just said it happened with 'somebody'), and she knows about my OCD and she said it wasn't my fault and I cried a lot and she kept saying no, no, it's okay and that I'm not bad and it made me feel a lot better too. Thank you so much... I just keep doubting and worrying but it's getting better. ;.; Like I just think like, why didn't I pull away faster? The response was not directed -at- her...the sensation felt nice but most sensation does when it comes to arousal I think maybe...but I just feel like I shouldn't have relished it as much. It was wrong to stop and appreciate the feeling when it happened when we were touching, even if I pulled away. I know I should have pulled away sooner. This is the part that is upsetting me most now. I've come to terms with most everything else, I just really wish I had not kind of relished the sensation of my groin rubbing against her leg as I pulled away from her. I wasn't directing the sexuality of it at her, I wasn't trying to include her in anything sexual whatsoever, but it was bad of me not to immediately and quickly completely cut off contact.

But I think I will have to learn to deal with this and the obsessing is getting better, I think I'll be okay soon. Your reply helped so much and I wish I could tell you how grateful I am...and thank you for sharing your experiences with me even though they are very personal, I'm so happy you are feeling better and I wish you the veryveryvery bestest forever. And I hope oneday that you can give your brother and sister kisses without fear and show them all the love you both deserve. You sound like the sweetest person and I hope you know that and can believe it! Thank you with all my heart...

Thanks hun. Private messaged you just now x

The key is to let go, using the reason it's just OCD, and not allowing bad intentions to be placed on this, or powerful guilt trips and/or false 'signs' to trick you out of letting go: obsessive-compulsive/topic144944.html