Heterosexual OCD

Sorry but this is going to be a long post, I've been lurking around these forums for 2 years and I felt like I had to face this problem once and for all.

Hello, I'm a 20 year old male who identifies as gay (I hope). I have a strong history of OCD and have been diagnosed for 2 years. I'm currently taking Zoloft as well. To recap my history of OCD, I've dealt with hypochondria most of my young life, mostly involving cancer. When I was 7 I also was worried about being kidnapped. And during summers when I stayed at my grandparents while my parents went to work I always had to say "Goodbye, I Love you, and Be Safe" before my mom left or I felt that something bad would happen. Hypochondria remained to be my only OCD issue up until High School, I did deal with intrusive thoughts but I always thought it was from the Devil (I was raised in a religious household) and I would do rituals such as praying and apologizing to God and praying that what ever I "wished" or thought in my head wouldn't happen. Fast forward to Junior year I developed Harm-OCD. This randomly came one night were an image popped up in my head of a dead body, this caused a groinal response (wasn't an erection, but tingling and stiffening) It later evolved to me obsessing whether or not I was attracted to violence and was becoming a sociopath. Because of it I stopped playing some of my favorite video games and watching some TV Shows. This caused distress for about a year, but it slowly went away by avoiding such things (which is odd considering exposure would've helped) At this time I wasn't diagnosed with OCD and I actually didn't even know it was a symptom until I developed my Heterosexual OCD.

My Straight OCD started following the end of my harm OCD in my senior year. As far as the history of my sexuality goes, my early years are kinda sketchy. I did like male actors in movies and sometimes felt giddy when they came on TV, this was when I was 5-7. I also had a crush on my male principal in grade school, I was shy every time I saw him. There was some other guys that I liked such as coworkers of my fathers and the youth assistant at Church, but for some reason they were never my age. However when I was a kid I did say I liked girls, I would say "Oh she's pretty" and I would say I had a crush on them resulting in me being annoying to them. Looking back I'm not sure if this is something that might have been sociologically thrown upon me as boys were supposed to like girls and vice versa. In middle school when I went through puberty I discovered even more interest in men. I remember I used to look at hot guys on myspace and felt something in my pants (I didn't know anything about masturbation then). Later on I eventually looked at Gay Porn (solo at the time). I also seen pictures of naked women but I didn't do anything for me and I had no desire of getting off to it, and I felt and I still feel the vagina is gross (sorry ladies). It was around this time that I got back into watching wrestling with my dad. I then developed crushes on several wrestlers and then fantasized about them. However I did say I liked a couple of female wrestlers who I felt were pretty but I never thought of them in a sexual way, I just admired them. In 7th grade I developed interest in guys my own age and thought several guys in my class were hot. Fast forward to sophomore year one of my best friends who is a girl asked me out. I knew a head of time that this was going to happen and the whole situation felt rather awkward. I said yes due to the fact that everyone else was dating someone. That whole day was pretty much crappy for me, I felt sick and awkward and I was like 'wtf did I do?' My family was like ooh thats so good and were happy for me but I really wasn't, I actually cried because I felt I got myself in a horrible situation. At this time, although I loved men, I never even conceived I was a homosexual, I thought it was just a phase. The next day at school I told her sorry I didn't want to date so we "broke up" and she went on vacation for two weeks and when she came back I felt bad and said lets try again, and the following day I just said no again. I just couldn't date a girl, it felt weird. She understood and we still are very good friends, although I'm more close to her twin sister now. The next year for some stupid and bizarre reason I started masturbating to girls, one who is the girl that I "dated". Let me say that I am and was no way attracted to any of the girls that I fantasized about, In fact I never looked at a girl with lust in my life, I only lust after men, I love the male body and everything about it. Anyway, for some reason the experience turned out to be different most likely because I was addicted to porn and masturbated several times a week so I needed a new fix. I think its also worth mentioning that I always had this obsession that my arousals aren't real arousals, and I feel the need to find a better one and would be obsessed whether or not my erections weren't full or not (I know it sounds weird but its hard to explain).
It wasn't until senior year that I grasped the idea that I was gay. It actually was after I played one of my favorite video game and it included the option to have a gay character and romance. I know it sounds stupid, but it was because of that I realized that I would love the be in a relationship with a guy. (Before I just fantasized and lusted after them, I think realizing my orientation allowed me to think of it past just sex). But the video game wasn't the only reason I came out, it was also because of my HOCD (Heterosexual OCD). I'm not entirely sure exactly when or how the straight OCD came about. One issue that happened at the time was that I totally lost my arousal to gay porn and hot guys, I would constantly check and see if it came back but nothing. At this time I also had my first job as a cart pusher at a grocery store. There was a really pretty girl that worked there, of course I told my dad (who worked there too) that I liked her. Despite her being really pretty I never looked at her like "damn I want to sleep with her" or anything instead as always I liked looking at the hot male customers and workers. But for some reason I felt really shy and nervous around her to the point I hated it and hoped she wasn't working the same shifts I was. In my mind this really disturbed me because my I love men and I felt like "why the hell do I feel this way around her, I don't want to be with her nor have sex with her". I eventually blocked her on Facebook because I feared that I would see a pic of her and be aroused or something. That issue propelled my Straight OCD even further to the point where I finally wanted to seek medication. However an issue stood in my way, I had to come out in order to even mention what was wrong with me. My friends were totally excepting and some weren't surprised, my parents on the other hand was a different story. My mother was actually the one who asked me because she knew I never was interested in having a girlfriend in High School. I told her yes I am gay. She actually was fine with it despite being a devout Christian, she has a gay friend though too. My dad took it horribly and was angry and due to my mom's weak heart (she has heart problems) the drama sent her to the hospital because they thought she was having a heart attack again. My dad and I are better now, he still loves me and hasn't cast me into the street like some fathers have. We don't talk about it anymore but i still think he's in denial still.

After I came out I saw my doctor and I was officially diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I was put on Lexapro. I then got a job at a retail store and started acting flamboyant so girls would check me out or flirt with me because before when they did it made me feel sick and awkward. Acting flamboyant was also a compulsion of mine to prove my homosexuality, I had to. I was nervous around pretty girls still when before my HOCD happened I didn't even care about girls. I acted so gay around them so they wouldn't ask me out or something (I know how paranoid it sounds). I actually still feel nervous around them, but now its not even pretty girls, they can be totally unattractive, but if I feel that they may like me I feel nervous as crap. Fast forward to today, I'm back working at a grocery store (I actually went through 4 jobs since 2011 due to most likely bipolar issues, I haven't been diagnosed officially but I certainly exhibit the symptoms of it and explains my reckless spending and quitting jobs, but I do actually like my current job thankfully) I'm now on my third medication which is zoloft. Ive been on Celexa and Prozac previously. Lately my HOCD is getting stronger and I think its evolving some how to where previous stuff no longer bother me, but new things arise that make my life a living hell. One issue that to this day that bugs me is sometimes I feel the urge to to give in to straight thoughts and masturbate to them. This is usually worse at night when I'm bed trying to sleep, the thought arises giving me a erection and a strange feeling in my stomach and my heart rate beats fast and I can feel it, this scares me as according to the internet this is symptoms of sexual arousal, but I never felt this intense with men, when with a guy I feel more calm and happy. When I masturbate to these thoughts my body loves it but I feel possessed sometimes while feeling like this I feel like coming out as straight or something, but afterwards I feel like crap and feel like throwing up. And whats even worse is that sometimes I do this on purpose because I like the feeling of it. It may arise from a intrusive thought saying "Give in, you know you like the feeling" or I just end up checking my arousal to gay fantasies compared to straight ones. Everyday I have to watch gay porn so today I was trying to see if I can get the same feeling but I didn't, so I tried to check and see what would happen if I watched lesbian porn. (I was already hard at the time) so I started masturbating to it and the feeling came back, I hated it but the feeling felt so good. Could someone please tell me whats wrong? Is this arousal addiction caused by porn? Is it hypersexuality from OCD and bipolar? or am I actually straight? I don't want to be straight, I want to be with a man and want to marry a man one day and I really want a boyfriend as I never had one. If I'm straight then I'm just going to be celibate because I can't just see myself having sex with a woman let alone dating one. Is this OCD or am I really straight?? Any help would be appreciated.

TRIGGER WARNING

Listen, there is a way to stop this OCD.

You must 'accept' the thoughts. That doesn't mean agreeing with what they say or imply. You are accepting the PRESENCE of the thoughts.

DO NOT LOOK FOR REASSURANCE OR TRY TO PROVE ANYTHING WRONG OR RIGHT,
Reassurance gives you a moment of relief but it actually (and silently) makes the OCD STRONGER, and not just a little bit.
You need to accept, acknowledge, and ignore the OCD thoughts, even if they tell you something completely horrifying, deranged, etc.
The OCD will try and trick you into continuing the obsession, but don't allow it, even if it pulls really powerful guilt trips. Intrusive thoughts will fade over time if you follow this advice.

obsessive-compulsive/topic144944.html

Thanks for your reply bendib, I did actually do this technique with my previous harm ocd and it ended up actually going away or rather stangnate to the point that no longer bothers me. However although I can see the logic in hindsight I still can't stop obsessing over this striaght ocd. Most topics on this site and others are from heterosexual individuals whom worry about becoming gay, when I'm the opposite so it's hard trying to find similar experiences to make me feel better, and also the arousal issue I have isn't something I came across in other posts involving HOCD. It's making me scared that I'm actually straight when I don't want to be. Logically the whole idea of that sounds stupid as homosexuality is unfortunately frowned upon by conservatives and religious groups and all the hate surrounding it that fearing becoming straight would be more odd than someone fearing they are becoming gay. I guess it's because loosing my attraction to men which I had my whole life bothers me as a straight man would be bothered to lose attraction to women. However is the arousal issues also caused by porn addiction? Even though I hate the thoughts I just do them for pleasure as I no longer find my usual gay porn stimulating? I just need answers because I don't want to become straight, I like and want to stay gay and I want to have a husband one day. Sorry if I'm ranting, it's just that I've held this in for 2 years.

You need to decide what's worse, the pain of the OCD or being straight.
You can stop obsessing if you really want it, but you must follow the advice.
If you are expecting some legitimate answer or insight from the OCD, you won't ever find it. You'll just end up BELIEVING you are what you don't want to be in an illogical storm of nightmareness.

This is not about truth and it can't give you truth, but it will lie to give you fear.

You're right bindib. I need to stop checking for reassurance, it's only going to make it worse and it's not going to get better. I did it back when my harm ocd was driving me crazy, and I can do it this time. I just need to let it go like you said, I know deep down I'm gay and always have been, I just have to stop listening to the lies that my ocd fills my mind with. It's going to be a long road ahead, but I'm feeling much better than yesterday. Thanks again bindib.