Obsessive guilt ruining relationship

Hello all! I am new to this page. I've recently been experiencing a lot of guilt, to a point I've never felt it before and I know I have ocd, I've always obsessed over death and had random "phases" where I thought I was a lesbian, murderer yada yada... For god knows what reason. But I didn't realize guilt was a part of it. I'd always been pretty sheltered and never done much I could regret. Well I've been in a relationship for a little over 3 years with an amazing guy. It's my longest relationship. Throughout it ( I want to say last summer) I talked to other guys both emotional and sexual. I feel like each played different rolls one I only talked sexual to, the other was strictly emotional and more so his emotions. (I need to feel needed) and snapchat selfies. I never hung out with or sent dirty pictures to these guys.

Well just a few nights ago it all hit, like I hadn't thought about it in a while and it just hit an I felt devastated. People reassured me it's in the past and I didn't do anything and to not tell my boyfriend. But I had to, I felt terrible like I was lying to him. I told him simply I talked to other guys and felt as if I cheated on him. He let it go, forgave me, but I still can't let it to. I'm obsessing. I have no appetite, I get sick, all I do is sleep, I feel stuck in my head and can't focus attention where it should be, (on him) I thought after I told him it would all be better. But I'm digging deeper, distorting reality, I can't think of the exact time frame it happened, exactly what was said, I feel like I'm making up or forgetting things. I feel it's worse than it is, or what I'm feeling is not as bad as it really was. I have no desire to look good, I feel guilt when I'm with him more than when I'm out with friends. I can rationalize it away but then it comes back. It's like I don't want to forgive myself.

Anyone have similar experiences? How can I overcome this before I completely ruin my relationship? I feel like I'll never be able to let this go, it'll just keep creeping back. I know if I can make this a learning lesson I could be a better person for him, and the longer I'm mistake free the less he past will bother me. But I feel like I've made the whole relationship a lie, that I'll never be good enough from here on out. I know I won't do this again, but I feel like I just keep needing to tell him more, every detail real or not... But that wouldn't be fair to him. He doesn't need to know. It would only make me feel better... How can I get past this? When i can't even quite recall how it came about or what happened...

Hi, I mirrored this into OCD. It will appear in both forums.

Britnem wrote:Hello all! I am new to this page. I've recently been experiencing a lot of guilt, to a point I've never felt it before and I know I have ocd, I've always obsessed over death and had random "phases" where I thought I was a lesbian, murderer yada yada... For god knows what reason. But I didn't realize guilt was a part of it. I'd always been pretty sheltered and never done much I could regret. Well I've been in a relationship for a little over 3 years with an amazing guy. It's my longest relationship. Throughout it ( I want to say last summer) I talked to other guys both emotional and sexual. I feel like each played different rolls one I only talked sexual to, the other was strictly emotional and more so his emotions. (I need to feel needed) and snapchat selfies. I never hung out with or sent dirty pictures to these guys.

Well just a few nights ago it all hit, like I hadn't thought about it in a while and it just hit an I felt devastated. People reassured me it's in the past and I didn't do anything and to not tell my boyfriend. But I had to, I felt terrible like I was lying to him. I told him simply I talked to other guys and felt as if I cheated on him. He let it go, forgave me, but I still can't let it to. I'm obsessing. I have no appetite, I get sick, all I do is sleep, I feel stuck in my head and can't focus attention where it should be, (on him) I thought after I told him it would all be better. But I'm digging deeper, distorting reality, I can't think of the exact time frame it happened, exactly what was said, I feel like I'm making up or forgetting things. I feel it's worse than it is, or what I'm feeling is not as bad as it really was. I have no desire to look good, I feel guilt when I'm with him more than when I'm out with friends. I can rationalize it away but then it comes back. It's like I don't want to forgive myself.

Anyone have similar experiences? How can I overcome this before I completely ruin my relationship? I feel like I'll never be able to let this go, it'll just keep creeping back. I know if I can make this a learning lesson I could be a better person for him, and the longer I'm mistake free the less he past will bother me. But I feel like I've made the whole relationship a lie, that I'll never be good enough from here on out. I know I won't do this again, but I feel like I just keep needing to tell him more, every detail real or not... But that wouldn't be fair to him. He doesn't need to know. It would only make me feel better... How can I get past this? When i can't even quite recall how it came about or what happened...

Britnem, the past is the past. We all have pasts. We all have said and done things that we're not proud of. Things we wish we could change. The simple fact that you feel such guilt goes to show that you're a caring and loving person. There are people out there who continuously cheat and feel absolutely no remorse whatosever. That's not me saying that you cheated - I'm just trying to give you a comparison.

I'm guessing you're young. I am too. Young people make many mistakes, it's part of growing up and the important thing is to learn from these mistakes we make. You're not a bad person but I suspect you will do some damage to this relationship if you let this guilt continue to consume you. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you need to accept that you made a mistake and come to terms with the fact that there is absolutely nothing you can do about the past. I'm just an outsider and I can see from what you've stated in this post that you seem to be a great person so hold your head high and realise that you don't deserve to continue torturing yourself about something that can't be changed. I'm sure your partner has made mistakes and said and done things he's not proud of so try your best to move on from this and cherish the love you have - that's precious.

The fact that you are sorry means that you should now forgive yourself. That's all that matters. Your boyfriend forgave you and I would have forgiven you.

Thank you both so much. I do know I have to forgive myself, and probably deserve to. I can't fix the past but I can become better for it. It's just my mind won't allow that rational thinking to come through, it demands pain and torture. It demands perfection that I can't possibly obtain. me and my boyfriend are working to fix this, he's been nothing but amazing throughout all of this and I know in my heart I won't take him for granted again.