Suicide Phobia? Pure-O?

I'm at a loss and can't really find anyone that may have the same condition. I have a constant fear of suicide and think about it constantly. I want to clarify that I DO NOT want to commit suicide, but the thought of it is always in my mind and scares the hell out of me. It seems like I'm always thinking about terrible things happening and obsess over suicide. This has been going on for at least two years and the obsession and thoughts just don't go away. I then start thinking to myself, "well what if I loose it one day and the thoughts take control and there's nothing I can do". I know these are intrusive thoughts and not what I want to happen/commit, but it wears me out mentally and physically as it causes me constant anxiety which flows into panic attacks. I want to do whatever I can to get better and be back to my normal self. The two meds that worked best for me in the past were Celexa and Cymbalta. I had to switch off of the Cymbalta a year and a half ago because it seemed to have quit working as well(was on it for 7 years). My pdoc then moved me to Prozac(60mg) and Wellbutrin. Just recently went off the Wellbutrin for Abilify(2mg). The Abilify has seemed to make my anxiety worse and I also had horrible akathisia on it. Just this past week my pdoc had me stop both the Prozac and Abilify and start Pristiq(50mg). Hopefully the Pristiq helps. Anyhow, my main goal with this post was to see if anyone else out there has this "Suicide Phobia" or an obsession with it and how they were treated or being treated. Maybe this is actually a form of Thanatophia, I'm just not sure. I just know that I can't shake it and it's always a dark cloud over all of my thoughts. Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Those people with that particular OCD do exist here, stick around long enough and you WILL find them. My sympathies, but I do not think you are a suicide risk from what you've told me. Some temporary comfort in the truth there for you.

Thanks for the reply Bendib! I just wish I knew of a reason that caused these thoughts/phobia. I have great family and a relatively good life, so as far as I know I have no source that would cause this. I think that scares me more than anything.

I don't know that there's going to be a reason. OCD can be pretty random. The starting points that I've read from people here. Have often been chance. On another day or for another person, they wouldn't have been any problem.

You might find some other people with the same sort of experience with the search term "self harm OCD." But it is possible that they might trigger you, too. So watch out for that as best you can. obsessive-compulsive/topic103176.html is a good general read about this kind of OCD.

obsessive-compulsive/topic141231.html
obsessive-compulsive/topic140828.html

I know exactly what you're feeling! I find myself to be a relatively happy person, have suffered with anxiety since I'm a child- but lately I've had obsessive thoughts - mostly relating to suicide. I do NOT want to have these thoughts, and they are so opposite of the type if person I am, which is what makes them so intense and scary to me. I have had these exact feelings a few times before (once while in college and a friend passed away in a car accident) and my intrusive thoughts became so intense I had to begin taking medication for it. Once I reached the right dosage of anxiety medication I noticed the feelings and thoughts would dissipate and I could live my normal life without fearing that I was going crazy of becoming suicidal. Trust me, were not. In fact the reason I joined this site was after already going through this phobia/obsessive thought pattern and surviving it - I have once again caught myself in the trap. This time around it's most likely due to the fact that I tried with my therapist to decrease my medication, but perhaps it was too mich, too fast. My body has become accustomed to being on the meds for several years now! I too am currently feeling worried about suicide, even though it isn't something I wish for- it's almost like my mind is tricking me, and making me feel unsure of myself. I feel the need to validate that I am not suicidal, just fear it (which is the reassurance part). The fear is just so scary that it makes you feel like you are experiencing the absolute worst. Everyone says to remind yourself that these are just thoughts, and thoughts cannot hurt you. In my mind I wonder why I'm even having these thoughts in the first place. When you feel so anxious and have such constant negative thoughts it is east to start to feel depressed because of it, but we have to remember that with the right help/medication/therapy/whatever it is that you need, we will be okay. R

You're having them because they are called intrusive thoughts, and they are a symptom of OCD. To understand OCD, read these two things:

obsessive-compulsive/topic103176.html
and
obsessive-compulsive/topic144944.html

It's extremely important to differ between "why am I having suicidal thoughts?" and "why do I have obsessive suicidal thoughts?".

The answer to the first question is: You don't. You have no idea how many Pure-O'ers who is asking that exact question (or another question related to their obsession), for example: "I love my girlfriend, why do I have thoughts about murdering her?" "I love my life (or at least I don't find it that sucky), why do I have suicidal thoughts?" or "I love women, why do I have gay thoughts?" You shouldn't ask that question because you will never find an answer. Cause there is no answer. You don't have your thoughts because you want to die (for some unknown reason). If anything, you have the thoughts because you are AFRAID of killing or harming yourself (which is the closest answer and indeed the opposite of being suicidal).

The answer to the second question is more difficult. Some people develop OCD because of unwanted (egodystonic) phenomena in life (stress, unhappy relationships, problems at work, etc.) and find their OCD to reduce as their stress symptoms reduce. Most people with OCD, however, have no clear reason for having the disorder and searching for answers is actually counterproductive. Because, there is likely no answer.

The important question is; how to get rid of your OCD? Acceptance is possibly the most helpful technique. You'll need to accept that you (as every other human being) may end up killing yourself, but the chance of you doing it is not higher (it's actually lower) than the average human being. We need to accept death as quite uncontrollable, no one knows why and when we are going to die. We should take reasonable steps to avoid death (living healthy, avoid smoking/binge drinking, avoid risk behaviour) but otherwise, all "efforts" to avoid death will most likely end up reducing our life quality.

Thanks for your response. The hardest part for me to deal with these thoughts is seeing my way out of them. I know in my heart I have a good life and I have a loving family but I keep questioning why my obsessive thoughts revolve around such morbid things. It almost makes me wonder if I really am becoming depressed/suicidal, and then I freak out because i don't want to be. When you get caught up in these thinking patterns/obsessions it feels like it will never go away! No matter how many times I go through it whenever the obsessions come back I keep seeking reassurance that I am not crazy or going crazy or doomed or eventually going to become suicidal. I know mindfulness is a great approach but it's hard to be mindful when you feel crummy!

Hi everyone,

I try to stay off forums lately as I tend to use them for reasurrance! However I wanted to post so that I can make abit of sense of what's going on in my head at the minute.

I have been dealing with these intrusive thoughts of committing suicide on and off for about 3 years. U have had periods were they don't bother me as much but I am having abit if a blip at the moment.

Like you guys they terrify me and make me feel sick to the stomach and I question whether I realy am depressed and picture myself as 'the girl who killed herself' and it's so hard.

I know they keep coming back, because I am so scared of them, and then if I don't feel scared of them then I start to think it's something I actually do want and I am not so repulsed by it and so on and so on.

Truely terrifying. At the moment I am trying some mindfulness and also confronting the thoughts head on my writing them down on flash cards a number of times a day. See how it goes.

I honestly thought after all this time I would be bored of it by now but no, it still feels as scary as it did 3 years ago.

Anyway you are not alone xx

CAH_05 thanks for sharing. You sound to have similar thoughts as I do, and it is a constant fear of mine that no matter what I do keeps coming back. I too envision myself as "that girl" and it is terrifying. Feel free to PM me and we can support and work through this together!

-- Mon Aug 04, 2014 3:35 pm --

CAH_05 thanks for sharing. You sound to have similar thoughts as I do, and it is a constant fear of mine that no matter what I do keeps coming back. I too envision myself as "that girl" and it is terrifying. Feel free to PM me and we can support and work through this together!