Suicide Phobia? Pure-O?

Funny you should mention three years. I "celebrate" my two year anniversary for this stupid obsession today =)

Anyway, PM me anytime if you want to talk.

Sorry to see that there are others going through the same thing.

It's such a horrible theme, although I know every theme is horrible to the suffered as OCD will latch onto your worse fears!

And this is truly my worst fear, before the last 3 years this thought was so far away from my mind and I would strongly believe I would never ever be capable of even thinking that way.
I love my family so much, I enjoy my job have great friends and social life.

What gets me the most when having a relapse are thoughts like 'maybe my family would be better off without me' 'they would just carry in living' 'maybe I do want to die' 'do I even enjoy life?' I know this is the opposite of the truth but sometimes they feel so real which then puts me in a state of panic for days because I had that thought and I didn't want it.

CAH05 wrote:What gets me the most when having a relapse are thoughts like 'maybe my family would be better off without me' 'they would just carry in living' 'maybe I do want to die' 'do I even enjoy life?' I know this is the opposite of the truth but sometimes they feel so real which then puts me in a state of panic for days because I had that thought and I didn't want it.

That is what I am most relating to now as well. Is anyone else having similar experience? It freaks me out to think those kind of thoughts. I know people say you should just accept your thoughts as they come - because they are ONLY thoughts, but it is very hard to accept them when they are so negative and morbid. It almost makes me feel like I am convincing myself I do not want to live anymore -- and that scares me! I have been through this OCD/anxiety before - and I have survived it. I just fear that it is taking over my life.

I am right there with everyone. I wish I knew of a source that causes these thoughts. Not having a reason for these thoughts and fears is probably my biggest fear. Maybe that's the source??? I'm not sure if that really even makes sense. One of my obsessions is that when I hear or read about a suicide I become fixated on why that person committed suicide and why they could not be helped. My mind then goes into, "what if I ever get to a point where I can't be helped and that happens to me". Sometimes it feels like i'm in a battle between myself and my mind. Then not knowing why I have these thoughts just makes everything worse. I do believe medication helps. I've been on Pristiq for about 7 weeks now, but I still have my ups and downs. It seems to cycle from week to week, sometimes quicker. I've been looking into possibly starting CBT therapy to help as well. I've never had that type of therapy, but it seems to be the go to for this type of condition.

Hi everyone, I just wanted to post as an update to my posts 2 1/2 weeks ago. Often I notice when people start to feel better they don't revisit these website forums due to fear of recurring anxiety, triggers or whatever. I wanted to provide some positivity to this forum, and let others suffering from this phobia know that they will be OKAY
When I posted back in the beginning of August I was suffering from intrusive obsessive thoughts about suicide. Mention of the word made me feel sick. It consumed my mind all day long, and I was an emotional wreck because of it. It was not something that I truly wanted but yet couldn't get it out of my head, and this was hard for me to understand. It was frightening.
Since then, I have upped my setraline back to 200mg and today although the thoughts are still lingering, I can say that they are NOT interfering with my life the way they used to be. I was on setraline for quite a few years, and started to try to decrease in April (under supervision of my therapist) because I wanted to eventually become pregnant and didn't think I needed to be on the medication. I got down to 50mg in July, and was doing okay for a while… until -- Bam! It hit me! I was anxious and the intrusive thoughts started consuming me again. Turns out, at this point in my life, I need the medication to feel good. Some people are against medication - some are open to it. If you are feeling the way I did, I would highly recommend talking to someone and starting therapy/meds because they help dramatically. I can actually enjoy my day to day activities without feeling upset and down for no reason. My obgyn has assured me that it is SAFE and fine for me to stay on the setraline when trying to conceive and throughout my pregnancy. When I was at my worst (2 weeks ago) I found it very difficult to see ANY LIGHT at the end of the tunnel. Here I am 2 weeks later, and the light is shining through. I hope this post gives anyone with this fear/phobia a glimpse of the light. You are going to get through this!

It's good to read your update, Breathe. And that's an insightful point you made about people "disappearing" in order to avoid triggers. I appreciate everyone needs to do what's right and comfortable for them. But it is REALLY good to hear from people coming out the other side of these feelings. That the thoughts are not a permanent state. That getting through them is possible. That if they come back, they can be beaten again too.

So cool!

I know this thread is a few years old now, but I just wanted to reply and say that I had an episode like this last year that lasted about a month. I was also (and still sometimes am) terrified that I will commit suicide. Its a sad obsession that I seemed to be fixated on bc I have been suicidal in the past and even attempted suicide several times. Theres also a family history of suicide, so if there is in fact a genetic link, the likelyhood that i die of suicide is very high.

But, those are just statistics. Once you realize you aren't crazy and that you just have a phobia bc one part of your brain is overreacting to protect itself, then you'll feel empowered and able to kick it in the ass.

I also have a phobia of meds, so when this episode occured i quit taking everything and started journaling and seeing an excellent psychologist for cognitive behavioral therapy.

Unless you're schizophrenic or have some other cognitive disorder, you really shouldn't be taking an antipsychotic. Just my two cents. Get a second opinion.

Hey
Your entry was the first I've read (the title caught my eye).. I have absolutely no idea if I'm doing this right..
I have a similar thing. For example: When I have to drive a curve with my car, I always think for a split second that I could just drive straight ahead in a tree or whatever there is. That just feels weird for a moment. But when a trains coming in I fear that my body just jumps.

These strange moments fortunately don't bother me that much, I just wonder about my sanity sometimes

If I have fears or anxiety, I try to analyze it rationally. Look at your fear from every side.
For example: Are you afraid of death? Then why are you afraid? Do you feel that someone else can control your body besides your brain? Has your body ever done something you didn't want it to do?.. Well and so on..

I don't know if that helps

all the best

I throw this kind of thing in with harm OCD- for decades I struggled with intrusive thoughts of killing myself or others. Until I finally realised that they're just thoughts, and thoughts never made me do anything.

I think, in my case, so I'm assuming for other pwOCD- we frequently equate the ability to do something, with the desire to. A Non gets the idea they could swerve into that guardrail, or pick up a pistol and shoot themselves, or someone else, and they think, "what an odd thought", and it passes. But because it's physically easy to do something like that, pwOCD think OMG, I could just do that!!! And we obsess over it. Because I think in our mind, knowing we have the power to do something terrible, and the fact that it occurred to us at all, gets conflated into a fear that we actually wish to do something like that.

BreatheStretchShake wrote:Thanks for your response. The hardest part for me to deal with these thoughts is seeing my way out of them. I know in my heart I have a good life and I have a loving family but I keep questioning why my obsessive thoughts revolve around such morbid things. It almost makes me wonder if I really am becoming depressed/suicidal, and then I freak out because i don't want to be. When you get caught up in these thinking patterns/obsessions it feels like it will never go away! No matter how many times I go through it whenever the obsessions come back I keep seeking reassurance that I am not crazy or going crazy or doomed or eventually going to become suicidal. I know mindfulness is a great approach but it's hard to be mindful when you feel crummy!

^ right there....